Drowning in a sea of fluff

So, a lot has been going on lately... to the point where I've yet to be able to take it all in. Through each 'growth' experience endured, I feel myself becoming stronger, but at the same time weaker. It is as though the range between the peaks and valleys become wider, meaning when the next 'growth' experience occurs I feel like the depth of pain fallen to is deeper and the point to rise above it is farther away. The positive spin on this is that the new point arisen to [if capable of enduring the depth] is higher than previously reached.

The routine of emotional oscillation does not feel nor does it logically seem like a productive way to move through life... but what other choice is there? One option is to simply ignore and not deal with life's occurrences, but frankly I've tried that and am still working towards undoing the by-products. The approach as of late has been to allow myself to delve into the emotions, giving them the attention they are wanting, screaming for, like a child, and once satisfied, they are content and I can move on my way. This approach has been more beneficial than the one previously stated, but the moving on part is where I seem to get hung up.

Forgiving and forgetting has never been something that came easily to me. However, as you may have guessed, holding grudges is second nature and is something I have been and still am diligently working on trying to overcome. Holding a grudge, building walls, and retreating feels ingrained and once hurt, there is little one can do to reconcile it, although taking responsibility for one's actions has always been a positive act in my eyes.

This all sounds self-centered and possibly self-righteous and hey, maybe I'm the f*cked up one who needs to get with the program.... but it just doesn't seem right. Hurting someone you care about just is not acceptable to me. Perhaps I'm the only one who feels this way and is simply not ready to be ostracized. Intimacy is the beautiful glue that holds relationships together, without it people are simply animals in close proximity. The lack of intimacy in relationships that occurs as we get older is what feels ostracizing b/c the rest just seems like fluff.

A daze work

With most of time being consumed with work, it's not surprising that the majority of my posts are work related. So,in keeping with the recent trend, I've posted the pix below.



It's a map of the study area of the project with the shoreline change rate for two sites within the study area. I'm hoping to map the entire area, but may not be able to due to time constraints. Thought some people might find it interesting to see what I'm always yapping about.

Kings Of Convenience - Misread

So truthful and simple.... as relationshps should be.

Half way there....

The semester has begun and with it the aggravation of a university system that makes previous institutions, like UF, once thought of as in effective uses of state monies now look like exquisite examples. Yet another bur to irritate the already infected sore that this new 'growth' experience called a Master's Degree.

Why such a dismal outlook, you may ask, from someone who is generally a pleasant person. I wish I could say, but it is just one thing after another that has made this 'experience' more aggravating than enjoyable. Only 1.5 years left... that's what I keep telling myself. Then, I can go on to where ever to do whatever. I just hope it is more enjoyable than the present.

One ending and a new begining

The year 2006 has ended... and 2007 has begun. Spending the past week and a half in Florida was sullenly refreshing, as contradicting as it could be. It was wonderful to catch up with family and friends, some of which I had not seen in many years. Although many encounters were brief, it was refreshing to reconnect. There is a fine space in time when a visit becomes too much and it then turns difficult to leave. The familiarity becomes comforting and leaving causes sadness. That time was surpassed during the visit, but regret the visit, I do not. It makes me ponder plans post master's degree and if I will be returning to Florida. There are many positives that are lacking here and North Carolina has yet to be a place I'd enjoy calling an extended home. However, that time is still in the distant future and much is to be accomplished before then.

As for the new year that lies ahead.... I am focusing on health, clarity, and simplicity.

Is it Friday yet?

It's almost 5 p.m. and I have yet to print the poster I finished late last night (see below). Even tho it was a pain in the ass, I'm proud of the thing. I'm itching to get outta town though.... got the bug.



If you want to read the information on it, just click the pix. a larger image of the poster will open in a new window.

Fire Coming Out Of The Monkey's Head

Once upon a time at the foot of a great mountain, there was a town where the people known as Happyfolk gloond.(Chorus in background humming)Their very existence a mystery to the rest of the world, obscured as it was by great clouds. Here they played out their peaceful lives, innocent of the litany of excess and violence that was growing in the world below. To live in harmony with the spirit of the mountain called Monkey was enough. (Chorus stops humming) Then one day Strangefolk arrived in the town. They came in camouflaged, hidden behind dark glasses, and no one noticed them; they only saw shadows. You see, without the truth of the eyes, the Happyfolk were blind.

Falling out of aeroplanes and hiding out in holes
Waiting for the sunset to come, people going home
Jump out from behind them, and shoot them in the head
Now everybody dancing the dance of the dead
The dance of the dead
The dance of the dead.

In time, the Strangefolk found their way into the higher reaches of the mountain, and it was there that they found the caves of unimaginable sincerity and beauty. By chance, they stumbled upon the place where all good souls come to rest. The Strangefolk, they coveted the jewels in these caves above all things, and soon they began to mine the mountain, it's rich seam fueling the chaos of their own world. Meanwhile, down in the town, the Happyfolk slept restlessly, their dreams invaded by shadowy figures digging away at their souls. Every day, people would wake and stare at the mountain. Why was it bringing darkness into their lives? And as the Strangefolk mined deeper and deeper into the mountain, holes began to appear, bringing with them a cold and bitter wind that chilled the very soul of the Monkey. For the first time, the Happyfolk felt fearful for, they knew that soon the Monkey would stir from its deep sleep. Then there came a sound. Distant first, it grew into castrophany so immense it could be heard far away in space. There were no screams. There was no time. The mountain called Monkey had spoken. There was only fire. And then, nothing.

Oh, little town in U.S.A
The time has come to see
Oh nothing you believe you are
But where were you when it all came down on me
Did you call me now?

~ Gorillaz

...going thru the motions

never could stand what i saw
under a light looked so wrong

the spotlight is on

had to be sure it's not me
had to be pure conscious free

the feeling is gone

going thru the motions

to be sure....

                                          ~ The Mysteries of Life

Distractions

As the semester closes in, I find myself looking feverishly for distractions. Why? I have no idea; they are the last thing I need, but none the less are what I am focusing on. So, I bought a fluorescent fixture and tubes to light the sun thirsty plants that must reside inside away from the freezing temperatures. Unfortunately, the two aloes look like they are not going to make it, as the cold over the past few nights has caused their succulent leaves to grow limp form the water freezing and expanding, bursting the cells.

However, being that the fixture was only $8 and the tubes were not much more, I decided it would a low cost hobby and would allow me to spend time learning something I have been wanting to do for ages anyway. So, I plan on buying some seeds and trying my hand at propagation and will hopefully have some little seedlings by the time winter break is over. Since I am going to be in Florida for about a week at the end of the month, I am going to start some seeds at the green house under the light benches there.

It is exciting! Just in trying to figure out what type of light and fixture to get, there was a plethora of information. Reading up and researching has always been my favorite part of learning something new. I just hope it does not increase the electric bill; that is the main reason I had not started growing plants inside before. What has changed my mind? Surely it is not the decrease in the price of nrg.... no, but the fluorescent lights are supposed to be good on nrg consumption and the way things are going, I felt like I needed something pleasant and rewarding that was not time consuming. So, in essence I'm being selfish; however, since I plan on sharing the plants, giving them to others, I feel that offsets the selfishness.

Get your tix while they last.....

After posting the MOFRO info and songs, I saw they are playing three shows at Freebird, leading up to New Year's Day. The tix for the show on the 29th and 30th are only $18each night, whereas the New Year's Eve show is $28. Since I am most likely going to be driving north on New Year's Eve, I am hoping to attend one of the earlier shows. So, if you are going to be in Jax. and want something fun to do on the 29th or 30th, I recommend heading to the beach and trying to catch the show. However, showing up the day of may be futile, since the other concerts have been sold out.

Music soothes the soul

The colder weather and culmination of holidays makes me home sick. The holidays have not been a very joyous occasion as far back as I can remember. I have tried various tactics to make them more enjoyable, but every year, they still drag me down a bit.

This MOFRO song is prolly my favorite of theirs and their front porch FL music soothes a home sick heart....

hOt cHoCoLatE

Who knew there were so many different ways to make hot chocolate... and for those less informed there is a difference between hot cocoa and hot chocolate, described here. Tomorrow I plan on cooking up cup... I'll let you know how it goes.

... and now for educational purposes....

The United States and capitols




and.....

The Nations of the World

Evolution of dance

What a beautiful morning......

Today is the first day of the last month of 2006. The year has come and is going by quickly... about as quickly as my life ended a few minutes ago while biking to campus.

A slight drizzle began to fall during my four block commute to work this morning. After waiting for the walk sign and appropriate light signal, I began to enter the intersection. After looking to the right and noticing a large size sedan maintaining constant momentum, I began to slow down, when normally I would proceed being that I have right of way. During this time a Lois and Fargo truck has entered the intersection and is waiting for me to cross through the intersection so as to turn across my lane. As the car is approaching the where it should already be stopped at the light, the driver must have finally noticed the large Lios and Fargo Truck infront of it and began to apply the brake. While sitting in the now heavier falling rain, I watch as the sedan comes within a few feet of slamming into the side of the Lois and Fargo Truck with screeching brakes, which is coincidentally the place I would have been, if I had not been PAYING ATTENTION and stopped.

So, since when is it acceptable to NOT PAY ATTENTION to traffic lights and intersection, especially when visibility is hindered due to weather?

Perhaps each infant should be flooded with the feelings of the repercussions that would ensue if they were to perform every action possible, then maybe, just maybe people would pay a little more attention and not have to F*&#% up other people's lives to learn their own damn lessons. I think it's damn selfish that other people have to succumb to the ignorance and/or learning experiences of others.

seems there is something to monopoly afterall!

All morning I've been anxiously waiting for the battle inside my head to seize. I've been going back and forth between to want and desire to drive down to FL for the tx-giving break and staying here to work, study, and have some personal time. It is one time that I am angry I cannot have my cake and eat it to and like a child, I'm on the verge of throwing a tantrum. Guess these reactions to life's dilemma's never stop, we just decrease the intensity with which we display them.

Although a little voice in my head keeps piping in with soon, I may be further away and will not have the ability to travel for the holiday, but the rational side consistently drones on about the lack of financial funds and the added stress that will be waiting when I return to write a paper and take a test that I did not study for or research.

So, I have accepted the logical conclusion and will not be traveling down, now I must embrace this decision so as to actually use the time effectively and not waste it, then I will merely hate myself for not driving down.

..... listen up

Supposed To Be

Maybe it’s up with the stars
Maybe it’s under the sea
Maybe it’s not very far
Maybe this is how it’s supposed to be
This is how it’s supposed to be

Maybe it’s trapped in a jar
Something we’ve already seen
Maybe it’s nowhere at all
Maybe this is how it’s supposed to be
This is how it’s supposed to be

Looking forward as we rewind
Looking back is a trap sometimes
Being here is so easy to do
If you want to

~ Jack Johnson

Essay from Take Home Midterm

Q# 2: Summarize and explain factors that control relative sea level.

Pirazzoli (1996) groups the causes of sea-level rise into three main topics: changes in the quantity of ocean water, deformation of the shape of the ocean basin, and variations in water density and dynamic changes affecting the water masses. In analyzing the components of the hydrological cycle, Pirazzoli (1996) points out that the volume of ocean water can increase from ground water due to overpumping. This can lead to relative sea-level rise through an increase in the volume of ocean water from ground water that was deposited within the earth years prior being released into the oceans as runoff. Changes in ocean water volume that can lead to relative sea-level rise also include deforestation and draining of wetlands (Sahagian and Zerbini, 2002).

Regional subsidence, uplift, and changes in isostasy can deform the shape of the ocean basin, influencing relative sea-level rise. Being that the Earth is composed of layers varying in density, these layers move and react at different time scales. However, sea water reacts instantaneously and the lag time reaction of the land aids in relative changes in sea level (Pirazzoli, 1996). Relative sea-level changes over the past hundred years has been attributed to the subsidence and uplift caused by loading and unloading during the Little Ice Age in the coastal area of Juneau, Alaska (Motyka, 2003). Thomson et al. (2002) discuss how drought conditions in the Mississippi River Delta Plain lead to primary production stress by increasing the salinity and decreasing the amount of sediments delivered to the delta. This study further discusses how the lack of primary production can decrease coastal stability turning vegetated marshes into unvegetated mudflats, which would exacerbate the rate of relative sea-level rise (Thomson et al., 2002). Overpumping can lead to land subsidence, causing relative sea-level rise (Pirazzoli, 1996). The compaction or subsidence of sediments with a constant water level would aid in a relative sea-level rise decreasing the elevation. Subsiding Holocene sediment deposits in the Mississippi River Delta area were found to have doubled the rate of sea-level rise (Penland and Ramsey, 1990).

Thermo-isostasy is a term used to describe the increase in density that occurs at the mid ocean ridges. When new material is produced and extrudes from the mid ocean ridges, it cools on the ocean crust, increasing in density and subsiding the material underneath (Pirazzoli, 1996). This occurs in tropical waters where corals grow and increase in size, as the ocean floor beneath subsides. The depression of material due to lava repeated extruded has been termed volcano-isostasy (Pirazzoli, 1996). As the lava flows and cools, the material becomes dense and depresses the underlying material.

Conversely, areas undergoing tectonic uplift or isostatic rebound, due to glacial retreat, would exhibit a decrease in relative sea-level is the rate of uplift and rebound is greater than the rate of sea-level rise. In Juneau, Alaska there has been debate on whether the rising earth is caused by tectonic uplift or isostatic rebound from deglaciation (Motyka, 2003). Motyka (2003) dated the locations of coastal forests and marine terraces finding a correlation between uplift and regional glacier retreat during the mid 18th century, identifying glacial retreat and expansion as the primary mechanisms responsible for subsidence and uplift in the Juneau area during the last several hundred years.

Changes in sea level are affected by changes in sea water density. Sea water density controlled by the temperature, salinity, and pressure of sea water. Density of sea water increases with depth and with increasing salinity and pressure. However, as temperature increases, the density of water decreases. Lower density sea water requires a larger volume due to the thermal expansion of water molecules. Over 400 m an increase of 1°C or a decrease of 4 ppt in salinity would cause a 60 cm rise (Pirazzoli, 1996). With temperature increases caused by climate change, thermal expansion is thought to be more influential in sea-level changes. In a study performed by Lombard et al. (2005), the authors looked at thermosteric sea-level changes, changes in sea-level cause by temperature alone, over a 50 year period (1948-1998). Lombard et al. (2005) found regional sea-level trends from 1993-1998 were mainly explained by thermal expansion. The authors also found that thermosteric sea-level trends have a decadal lifespan and are influenced by El Nino Southern Oscillation, Pacific Decadal Oscillation, and North Atlantic Oscillation.

Works Cited
Lombard, A., Cazenave, A., Le Traon, P., and Ishii, M. 2005. Contribution of thermal expansion to present-day sea-level change revisited. Global and Planetary Change. 47, 1-16

Motyka, R. J. 2003. Little Ice Age subsidence and post Little Ice Age uplift at Juneau, Alaska, inferred from dendrochronology and geomorphology. Quaternary Research. 59, 300-309

Penland, S., and Ramsey, K. E. 1990. Relative sea-level rise in Louisiana and the Gulf of Mexico: 1908-1988. Journal of Coastal Research. 6 (2), 323-342

Pirazzoli, P. A. 1996 Sea-Level Changes: The Last 20,000 Years. John Wiley an211 pps. 211pp.

Sahagian, D. and Zerbini, S., eds. 2002. Global and regional sea-level changes and the hydrological cycle. Global and Planetary Changes. 32, vi-viii

Thomson, D. M., Shaffer, G. P., and McCorquodale, J. A. 2002. A potential interaction between sea-level rise and global warming: implications for coastal stability on the Mississippi River Deltaic Plain. Global and Planetary Changes. 32, 49-59

All and all, I guess today is going quite well. The same sh*t is still hanging over my head and work has not changed, but I found out the Subway on campus now sell the veggie patty sub, which used to be a staple of my diet before moving to the nonvegetarian friendly town of Greenville. Also, I busted ass on a take home midterm the past few days and turned it in on time yesterday, allowing myself to partake in watching a sneak preview of the Tenacious D moving coming out: Tenacious D in 'The Pick of Destiny'.

The government looks as though it may start moving in a more positive direction, finally! Unfortunately, it seems that things have to get horrible before people think about how their actions influence others. How long will it last? Prolly not very long, but let's hope it long enough to make somewhat of a difference in the current state and at least lasts through the next presidential election.

Plans for the weekend don't look very exciting, but I really enjoyed writing some of the essays for the lengthy midterm I recently completed and am hoping to get some more accomplished this weekend. I haven't decided what the topic of my final paper is going to be yet, but I'm leaning towards 'Sea-Level Rise: Causes and Effects'.

Events in our lives happen in a sequence in time, but in their significance to ourselves they find their own order the continuous thread of revelation.

~Eudora Welty

Road........ trip

Tomorrow morning I'll be racing up the highway in a van packed full headed to The City of Brotherly Love, i.e. Philadelphia, which happens to be the fifth most populated city in the U.S.

.... and it couldn't have come too soon.

I've been on edge the past few weeks and finally snapped yesterday; however, I'm putting that behind me and looking ahead. The end of October is going to be rather busy and work has been going less than pleasantly lately, so a small break and new place will offer a much needed shift in perspective.

At the current moment I am just trying not to think about being stuck in a packed vehicle with a/c on for 10 hours straight.... I'll let you know how I fare in that venture.

Well, it's official, when I die I will be struck down by a meteor!



Click the pix above to determine how your end will come.

The United States has grown to a poulation of 300 million. Here is a run down of price comparisons over the past century.

Changing seasons

Winter has come and with brings darkness
the sun is out fewer hours each day
it is as though it shines brighter
to make up for the hours that are stolen

Influential speaker

On Thursday evening, after failing to accomplish work, I headed over to Chapel Hill to see Michael Pollan speak. Having only visited Chapel Hill once prior, I had forgotten how much I liked it as I rolled onto town. The college just appears from curving residential roads, it seems. The area reminds me of Gainesville, but with higher elevation changes. Seeing the plethora of bicycles chained to every building made me miss the times I enjoyed riding in Gainesville.... going to the Hipp to catch the movie of the week. Ah, but those days have past........

I was able to quickly find a parking garage and although I made it there 30 minutes early, a line had formed around the corner and into the arboretum. The half hour passed quickly, and soon we were filing inside, srambling to find a seat. The room filled quickly and had I arrived on time, instead of early, I would not have had a seat. Quietly waiting, I glanced around the room and took in the perfect people watching opportunity. It was an interesting crowd and made me ponder what growing up in an academic family would be like. Many of the young parents brought their children with them and I wondered how exposure to such events shaped the children's lives.

After lingering on that thought for awhile, a gentleman approached the microphone and the room became quiet. There were a few introductory speeches and then Michael Pollan came strolling up to the podium. A very casual person, he was one of the best speakers I have seen yet. His comfortable approach and delivery makes one feel like he carrying on a personal conversation with them.

The topic of the night was the topic of his recent book, The Omnivore's Dilemma, the dilemma being "what should we eat for dinner?" Throughout his speech, Pollan read excerpts from his book, offered background information, and discussed problems he encountered along the way. It was an entertaining and educational experience. At the conclusion of his speech, I felt fulfilled and was happy to have made the 2 hour journey.

I hope to have the opportunity to hear his speak again and look forward to reading The Omnivore's Dilemma.

For some reason, this add does not say contacts to me.....

Free tea

So, I received an email today with a coupon code for a $10 Gift Certificate with no minimum purchase. Why am I posting this here? Well, although the coupon code can only be used once per person, it can be used by an endless number of people.


Therefore, if you are tea drinker click here to check out the teas they carry and if you find something you like, enter the following code:

Promotion Code: WCF1096

NO minimum purchase required. Valid only on purchase of tea. Limited to one use per customer, expires October 31st 2006.

Enjoy!

New muzak.... yipee!

After waiting through what seemed like and endlessly long weekend, I was able to listen to the cds I ordered what seemed like years ago. With the aid of commercialism in society today, I seem to become more and more impatient. It actually wasn't that bad and was worth it. Getting two good albums for a mere $3.... I think I'm going to get spoiled.

The MOFRO album is great, encompassing many sounds including blues, soul, and country front porch story telling. It is soon to become my new favorite Florida cd. Listening to the sultry music pulls on my heart strings feeding that longing of Florida, family, and all that makes sense.

The debut album by Etienne de Rocher is good. I must admit,I had high expectations for this artist and they were definitely met. Although the artist has been playing music for awhile now, one can still hear the developing artist nurturing his talents. Perhaps this is because this is new label with which he constructed this album. However, the artists experience is evident within his lyrics, yet he keeps the songs simple and potent with the lingering essence of his message.

Whoo hoo

So, I have to rave about The Herb Goddess. It is a great site for herbs, oils, tea, and tea accessories. In addition to free shipping their orders are processed and mailed quickly. I have received and used a tea strainer I ordered from them and have yet to even get an Amazon order I placed days before this one. Within the package they sent, I received a pen, with their business name logo on it, the tea strainer, double the number of cloth reusable teabags I ordered, and a scratch off coupon for 10% off my next purchase.

Now, somebody knows how to do business... I'm definitely going to be a repeat customer. At least not every business has lost the ability to conduct good business.

The weekend is here, but almost gone.....

This weekend seems different for some reason. Perhaps it's because there are things to do and things to be done. So far, it's been wonderfully productive and very service oriented. Last night the Pitt County Humane Society had their 4th annual Martini Party fundraiser, which I happily helped out at. It was an interesting night and being that I did not know anyone, there were lots of people to talk with. I am not much of a social butterfly and seem to be unable to mingle, but overall I had a nice time and got to try a few martinis, including the Felime, Red Hot Chihuahua, and Pomeranian. It made me think that our next party should be a martini party with science themes.

After getting home later than anticipated, I quickly fell into slumberous sleep to be awoken very early this morning by a loud alarm clock. The weather outside look chilly and I was reluctant to get out of bed, but I was able to make it to the Town Commons area in time to help with the Big Sweep this morning. It is held once a year, where people pick up garbage along the Tar River. There was so much trash to be picked up... it was horrible. Many odd pieces were found: a few tires, a bed mattress, some unknown items, and lots of plastic bags and bottles.

So far the weekend has been nice. The weather seem to have gotten colder as we on the river and it's only October. I'm not looking forward to the winter this year.... but then, I never do. I just keep thinking that before long, this will all be in the past, clumped into a time period when I did my Master's, and hopefully I will be living somewhere warm and coastal.

That is my happy thought for the day.

Sitings

Apparently, a southern Baptist preacher from Georgia has found a large population of 'sinners' amongst the ECU students. Walking back from an unsuccessful free lunch (unsuccessful because it was lacking in vegetarian options) I bore witness to that which is apparently a new thing for students around here. As we walked past, unacknowledged the bible bearing babbler, I noticed that the few people who had paused to take in the spectacle were not reacting nor engaging the emphatic speaker. It seemed to me that he was speaking to hear himself speak. It just seemed to me that such an energetic soul could do so much, but instead he chooses to focuses his energies elsewhere.

It makes me realize how much nrg I waste. If each person was more conscious, it would make a huge impact on society today.

Old new music

So, apparently I am a little slow with the posting possibilities. Apparently posting a video is as simple as posting a pix nowadays. The video below was taken last winter when MOFRO played with the Jacksonville Symphony Orchestra, which I believe they are due to do again soon.

It was at the show that I saw and heard MOFRO for the first time. Almost a year later, I get around to ordering one of their albums.

....better late than never, right

Due to a $25 amazon coupon, I was able to order the latest MOFRO cd, Lachloosa, and another artist on the same label, Etienne de Rocher.

MOFRO concert

MOFRO with the Jaksonville Symphony Orhestra 11.26.05.

Propinquity

A friends blog states the word propinquity. Curiously, I looked it up and found the following definitions:

the tendency for people to work better or bond with those geographically near them

one of the main factors leading to interpersonal attraction. It refers to the physical or psychological proximity between people. For example, two people living in on the same floor of a building have a higher propinquity than those living on different floors.

It surprises me b/c I have noticed it before, but seem to be immuned.

Birthday dinner

Tonight I was fortunate to be treated to a belated birthday dinner at the Curiosity Shoppe, in Washington, located 30 minutes east of Greenville. The meal started out with some delightful bread perfect for dipping into an oil mixture. Then, we ordered martinis, a first for mwah and after tasting the other two ordered, mine by far was the best one. Next was the appetizer. Since there were three of us we ordered an appetizer, dinner size salad, and dinner entree and split all three. For appetizer we delved into the crab cake with flat bread. It was de-lish with fresh blue crab, yup that's right, no k-rab there. Then, there was the organic mixed greens salad with marinated cherries and toasted nuts with a gorgonzola cream dressing. Scrumdiliumptious! However, it was topped by the garlic mashed potatoes and seared yellowfin tuna we had for dessert. Perhaps I'm showing my roots, but those mashed taters make my mouth water just thinking about them. Smooth and creamy with a bit of the potatoe skin in them, I couldn't get enough. For dessert, we had key lime pie, the thin homemade style that is slightly creamy, topped with fresh strawberries and few blueberries.

It was a wonderful evening. I was pleased to get dressed up and go out, something not done often enough. Dinner was followed by a stroll on the boardwalk, but alas we had end the evening and venture back to reality.

Last night, I went and saw the new Zach Braff movie, The Last Kiss. He did not write nor direct this film and the soundtrack was no comparison, but the story was somewhat similar in tone to his previous film Garden State. It was a bit older, hitting on the late 20's approaching 30 years old. Being that my birthday just recently passed, I can say that I can somewhat relate. However, in the film the main character are 'settling' into the family time in their life, a period I cannot relate to presently.

Perhaps this is because I am not in a relationship, but the period of marriage and/or children does not seem near in my future. Truthfully, I am not sure if I want to have children and I am not hard pressed to be married either. Not to say I do not want to make a long term, i.e. infinite, commitment to someone, I just do not think marriage is necessary. I am going to step away from that soap box before I start.

Ah, another year has passed and I have once again survived to see it. Each day time moves more quickly and there seem to be additional tasks to accomplish. Weekends, once reserved for fun and new experiences, are now a time to catch up and perform additional work to get ahead. Keeping busy is a positive thing, but the lack of personal time can be draining.

The passing of another year, leads to thoughts of family, memories of the past, and yearnings to see those one cares about. Sometimes I think keeping busy is merely a distraction, distracting me from the sadness that lingers inside. Then, smiling faces look back and it all doesn't seem that bad.... but is it just a time of making due?

Regardless, things are going well. My day of birth has come and gone, during which I enjoyed laughs and good conversation. Considering the past few birthdays were on the verge of unbearable, this year is a step in the right direction.

It's all a daze

Summer has ended. Although it is only the beginning of September I can feel it... there is a sadness in my heart that aches to see it go. Ernesto, the first tropical storm to impact North Carolina this year, past through last night. It was a mere rain storm to me. However, the college is closed today, the first day of September.

Overcast clouds outside staring back coincide with stagnant emotional lull I feel. Missing things that will never be, saddened by what is, and not having anything to look forward to. What is it all for?

Melancholy retrospective days with urges to create. How does cluttering up the earth with new creations make existence worthwhile?

Cool air, a long sleeved shirt, and curling up watching the daze pass.

Time and stress

The semester is approaching and already I can feel the crunch of time. I am already planning the next six months, including meetings, academic related trips, and trying to figure out when I will have time for myself and to see those I care about. It seems as time passes, these things become more juxtaposed and it takes more nrg to address both.

So, what does this tell me? It triggers questions of present choices and those that will be made upon the conclusion of this transitory time in my life. However, that is too much to deal with at the moment. Instead I hold the happiness of fun weekend plans and tend to the plants.

Morning realization

thine age is told
by the grey hair shown
on thine head
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Translation: Damn! I'm gettin' old......

  

Charting the Neuse

Over the weekend, I had the opportunity to help the North Carolina Power Squadron monitor a few areas on the NOAA charts within the Neuse River Estuary. It was quite a nice surprise, being that the area we were checking lies within the study area of my project.

It was really nice to be out on the water cruising around looking at maps. What more could someone want? A friend from Raleigh rang early Saturday morning saying they were driving through Greenville and would I like to go to New Bern and help with the Coop Chart Meeting. Unfortunately, they only have one per year, but perhaps next year I'll be able to go again.

The call of the open road

Every morning when I straddle my bike and start off toward campus, the invigoration starts to run through my veins. Faster, harder, faster harder, the words roll over and over in my head, wanting to go further and within seconds I am on campus.

The loyal and lovely yellow steed I ride carries me well, but I do often ponder about the addition of another higher precision beauty and today I came across a couple beautiful subjects. The Biomega Copenhagen bike is gorgeous in addition to the more natural innovations, like Calfee's Bamboo Bike and the more casual Xylon Bikes.

Passing time

The last few weeks have been trying, to say the least, and through the depths from which I have bottomed out and risen from, I am finding lingering feeling of unwanted nonessential. Generally, in times such as these when something or a series of things brings me down, there is something, a thought, or resulting action that would not have occurred otherwise, but seems essential or necessary for future circumstances. However, the depths to which I sink seem to keep getting deeper, the peaks shallower, and less significance results overall.

Is this a new trend?

I sure as hell hope not. Every time I travel further down, I feel as though I will not be able to overcome it and pull myself out.

Are others dealing with similar circumstances? Sometimes I look around and feel everyone else is dealing with their own personal tragedies fine.

Weight of emotions

The hardest thing about getting older is growing farther apart from those I care about. Yes, there is added stress and responsibility, which are very tasking on one physically and psychologically, but growing apart is and has had more of an impact than all other things. Perhaps it is my ill ability to simply accept that that is the way things are going to occur and be satisfied with it. Accepting that would make things a hell of a lot easier, that is true, but it is something I do not seem to be capable of doing.

It can also be looked upon as though I brought it upon myself by moving away from home to pursue an education and in thinking this, I often ponder if I have made a mistake. It was not an easy decision to make and was very scary, for a variety of reasons. However, it has been an enduring growing experience and although if given the chance I may have passed on the opportunity to have some of these experiences, I hope they were necessary and will be a benefit in the long run.

What it comes down to is this: I should be grateful that I have been fortunate to have such wonderful people be in my life, cherish those memories, and not be sad or disappointed that future moments of time spent together do not occur. Energy in these areas only subtracts from that in the present and what can occur there and in the future.

Perhaps one day I will be able to listen to my own advice.

During and inlightening read on web material, I came accross an upcoming film, Who Killed the Elecric Car. It's a documentary on the reasoning and dissapearance of an alternative to cars using solely gasoline and is due out at the end of the month at select theatres and hopefully nationally following.

Door Posting

Good neighbors are a wonderful treasure!

During the remaining course of the visit, I took the Cal train into the city and walked around. It was really nice, wandering through the various areas of San Francisco. Heading towards the Mission District, I came across this fabulous little Vegetarian Cafe that also has
massage and yoga. It was a nice little place filled with lots of positive energy.

After a nice lunch, I continued walking and made my way north wandering into China Town and then stopped at a park and took a knap. It was a great place to people watch. People came with their dogs and let them run around the park. A park surrounded by buildings. It was like a
haven of grass in a cemented environment. A few blocks over was the Fisherman's Warf, which was very touristy. On another trip into the city, I made my way over to Haight Street and Ashbury Street area, near Golden Gate Park. This area was also touristy, but locals also frequented it as well.

On another outing, while Shawn had some work in Sacramento, I spent the day in Berkeley. It was a nice town and had a good feel. It was weird to look over and see the mountains so close. While walking I came across an awesome restaurant, called Cafe Gratitude. The food
was glorious and the people working there were really nice. It would be nice to have a good restaurant like that in Greenville.

The holiday was good on so many levels. Shawn and I were able to finally hangout and we cooked so many good meals. I use some cooking lessons from him, that's for sure. Erik and I also were able to hang-out for one day and we visited the De Young Museum in Golden Gate Park. They had a unique and diverse selection of contemporary artists, including a gorgeous painting by Georgia O'Keefe.

The trip also gave me opportunity to explore on my own. In the few trips I have taken, I have not explored much on my own and this trip allowed me to branch out in that area. However, I have come to the determination that more time exploring is still needed. Perhaps I will
be able to do more traveling after my degree is completed. We'll see what opportunities are revealed....

Over the weekend, Shawn and I headed over to Yosemite National Park. It is a huge park and is booked well into October, but he was able to get us a campsite. Though it was car camping and we had an annoying family next to us, we made the best of it and had a great time. We arrived late in the afternoon and eagerly made our way to one of the trails in the valley. Being a national park, it was much more developed than we had anticipated. They had buses that looped through the valley, stopping at various trailheads and scenic areas.

After exiting the bus, we started hiking on a trail that would give us a good view of Half Dome. Half Dome is a large structure composed of one piece of granite. On the left side of the photograph are two other structures called Achilles Heel. Mirror Lake is located between them and was a popular recreation area. However, today it appears rather small and unavigatable.

That afternoon we hiked around five and a half miles. For dinner we had brought lots of veggies and a few potatoes to grill on the fire, in addition to some bananas and pineapples for desert. Dinner that night was the best camping dinner I have ever had, and that isn't because of my appetite that evening. The vegetables came out so good, mm... it makes my mouth water just thinking about it.

After a good nights sleep, we decided to do a short hike up to some waterfalls in the southwestern portion of the park. The falls were beautiful; so powerful, roaring over the precariously piled rocks, smoothing them. The water was very cold and the wind coming off the falls was dry and brisk. We sat on one of the smoothed stones lying horizontal and took in the beauty of the area. I was amazed at how the power and roar of the waterfall was greater than that of the ocean.



Before heading back to San Bruno, we drove farther south to check out a Sequoia grove. The trees were amazing. They are in the same family as the Redwoods and are very similar. The sequoias were used for timber and were over exploited. This has to do with their reproduction needs. To start with, these trees need bare mineral soil to germinate with an open canopy above. If the tree does germinate it grows rapidly and does not bear cones until it is mature at an age of 150 to 200 years. These cones can stay on the tree for 20 to 30 years and are then only dropped from the tree by external forces, such as storms. Fire is also a necessity, to keep ground cover down and also as an agent of releasing seeds from the cones.

We hiked until mid afternoon and then headed back towards the house. The roads are extremely steep with switchbacks one after another. I was so happy I was not driving, because it would have taken us two days to return home. We drove through these fields of windmills, generating energy. The windmills were so large and beautiful turning on the hills. Shawn was telling me that there has been some controversy over them because they can actually change the wind pattern and migrating birds become confused.

After arriving late Thursday night and visiting shortly with Shawn and Erik, I headed to bed. The next day after attempting to work some, Shawn rang and said he was finished with work. Since it was early afternoon, we grabbed some lunch and headed over to Golden Gate Park. Before the fog rolled in, we eat lunch and enjoyed a game of chess. After loosing the game, although with somewhat of a fight, I was eager to roam around the botanical gardens in the park.

The grounds were beautifully kept and there were sections within the
garden with plants specific to various areas, such as Chile. I could have spent all day wandering around the botanical gardens. It made me ponder how wonderful it would be to work at a botanical garden and help maintain the plants. Ah... that would be nice.

Was it a dream?

She awakes this morning, disoriented... was last night a dream? As she looks at the clock, she remembers her appointment is earlier and she does not have much time. She scrambles about her apartment, trying to focus on what’s needed for the day... all the while wondering, was it a dream?

Successfully clothed and everything in order, she speeds off. Things are moving like clockwork. With little time to spare, she makes it to her appointment on time... just to sit and wait. Still in a haze, she checks the accumulated messages on her phone from the night before. She hears his voice and thoughts rest.... is was not a dream.

Smiling, she snickers at how unexpected the evening played out. Meetings such as these though once semi frequent in the past have become scarce. She smiles, thankful. Thankful to share conversation, embrace, and something so comforting... to talk, laugh, question, and listen to another’s story.

A night that could not have been spent more positively, for those moments are what living encompasses.

Fun in the sun

This past weekend Dave and I headed out to the Tar River to paddle about. The weather was perfect, the sun shone brightly allowing my pale skin to feel the warm rays. It was the first time I'd taken the kayak out, since I'd moved up here last June... almost a year ago. It's amazing how time flies by.

We drove up river and put the kayaks in at Faulklin, a small town west of Greenville. From there it was eight natuical miles to the Town Commons, where we planned to pull out. Slowly we crept down the river, taking the scenery and inspecting the shoreline along the river edge. Not long into the paddle, we paddled into one side creek, it was so quiet and peaceful, reminded me of a place alligators would love to linger. Though we wanted to continue up the creek, we realized we were a mere 10% down the river stretch. So, we continued on. Farther down river, we stopped at a point bar on the river were the river meanders and sediment is deposited on one side. It was nice to get out and stretch our legs, take a bathroom break and enjoy the view. It was a pleasant venture and I look forward to many more.

What was still is

Reading over a friend's blog this morning, he was discussing those friendships that are made during the impressional highschool years and how they those people know you more than others who meet you in your adult years. This is something have been noticing as well. It seemed that people we meet now in our twenty-something years, never quite know you as well as those you knew when you were younger.

This post prompted some reflection and what even cemented it was when I went to the Triple J website to plug into some music and get started working. In reviewing their selection, I saw a recent NOFX mixed tape. An excitement quickly ran through me, as NOFX was my absolute favorite band throughout highschool and beyond. I still enjoy them today, though not the same extent. Let's just say that while in highshool, those who knew who NOFX was were much cooler in my book compared to those who didn't. Anyway, I plugged in and have been traveling through various memories of the past.

I often think of those whom I no longer keep in touch with, and it saddens me. We grow apart, that is life. I am thankful for those who have stayed in touch and just hope everyone is doing well and happy. Perhaps we will meet again someday.

Weekend events

This weekend has been pleasant. It seems as though a lot has happened, yet not really. After volunteering at a memorial ride for a girl who was killed while biking by a negligent driver, a group of us headed over to the beach to set up camp and see a few shows at a free music festival in Beaufort, pronounced 'bo-fort' here in North Carolina.

We set up two tents right on the beach at a place names Squatter's Campground. It has a few tent sites, RV sites, and some permanent trailers that are rented out. Granted it wasn't the most rustic, not pristine place, but we were just going to crash and waking to sound of the ocean waves crashing on the shore wasn't too bad.

Originally, I had planned on getting up to see the sun rise, but having not slept much the night before, I was relunctant to wake to watch the sun rise over the water. The moon has been becoming more full and although it was not a full moon, it looked beautiful over the ocean last night.

We arrived just in time to hit the facilities and watch Maxwell Mosher play. They were members of the Squirrel Nut Zippers and play similar swingesk sounding music. It reminded me of how I'd like to learn to swing dance. The show was good and it was a great place to people watch. The little kids had the dance floor. After Maxwell Mosher,the Avett Brothers were scheduled to play. People started gathering infront of the stage before the show started. The crowd was eager, but patient, which was a good thing because there were technical difficulties initially and their instruments were not keeping up well throughout the show.

However, the show was great and everyone had a good time. Even though they are touring for their new album, Four Thieves Gone, they played a nice mix of old and new songs. It is so refreshing to enjoy music with people, in a crowd, and not worry about getting burned from someone whose drunk and cannot keep up with their cigarette or reeking of alcohol from spilt beer. Everyone seemed to enjoy the music and the two people in our group who had not seen or heard them before, really liked the music.




We retired to our campsite, after grabbing a bite to eat and I quickly fell into slumber. It was a fun day. This morning after finally getting out of bed, I realized how the beach lifestyle, the laid back lifestyle within I grew up and which I yearn for year after year, is so beautifully simple. It's not about what new thing you need or how big your house is. It's about being happy and getting by. The night before, at the festival, people were out with their kids eating and drinking, I was great. You don't get a babysitter everytime you want to go out and your job isn't a separate entity; it's not compartmentalized. One's work is their life, and their life, their work. It just makes more sense to me and is something I miss so dearly.

Memory is a wonderful thing
if you don't have to deal with the past.
~Celine, Before Sunset

oh, tell me please,
that i don’t have to read
between the lines.

hey, this is me,
u don’t have to keep
something heavy on your mind.

did u sleep?
not a wink.

well, neither did i.

i’ve never been
too good at reading in
b/t the lines.

so, babe spell it out,
but u don’t have to shout
when you’re talking to me.

do u care?
do u care?

are u there?
well neither am i.

don’t lock you’re door,
everyone is poor
between the lines.

and i could never steal
the saddness that u feel
when you’re changing your mind.

oh my dear,
can you hear?

well neither can i......

i wanna live
and i want you to live
happy and free.

but i don’t know how
to separate the now
from what used to be

will you sleep?
not a wink.

well, neither will i.

           ~Avett Brothers

Movie madness

Lately, I have been almost to the point of obsessed with the Richard Linklater films, Before Sunrise and Before Sunset. I am not normally so not care much for the romantic mooshie movies and perhaps it is my current heart broken state that is reinforcing such entertainment, but I have watched those movies repeatedly in the past week.

I had seen Before Sunset previously and enjoyed it, but not enough to watch it over again. However, for some reason it seems to encompass something familiar and perhaps hopeful. Although I cannot identify with either one of the characters fully, there is something about each of them that I see within myself. The pain that they each endured over the years they were apart, finally to be reunited.

I know it's a sappy love story and maybe I am projecting too much of my life on a fictional story or I am hoping my reality mimics that which is carried out on screen. Who knows, all I know is that even though I am sad when either one of the films end, it leaves me with something hopeful.

They are a good watch. Kinda slow, only two characters, played by Ethan Hawk and Julie Delpy. It is the realisticness of it that keeps me coming back.

I feel drawn to my blog today, as if there is something I want to express. Yet, every time I come.... there is nothing to be said. It is as though there is something trying to get out, it just is not quite ready, like a small child looking into a swimming pool who wants to jump in, but just cannot make himself do it. I do not know where the restraint comes from or what it is that is trying to be released, but I feel as though I am waiting for for someone to open the dam and let the water run free. Perhaps it is I who will trigger the release, just not now.

Maybe it is part of what is to come this summer. I have been feeling as though something good is going to happen. I do not know if this because I desperately need the positiveness in my life or because something truely grand is going to occur. Maybe it is a desperate attempt to turn my hopes into reality because I cannot handle anymore sh*t, but I would like to think more of the later in that I am anticipating what has yet to occur.

Regardless, what is, is and what will be, will be. More than anything I hope that I make choices I will not later regret, cause as little pain and disruption on others as possible, become closer to those I care about, who feel so far away, and am open to all that is to come without a bittered perspective from unrelated baggage.

Fortune

Strong and bitter words indicate a weak cause.

Wetlands controversy

Listening to NPR this morning, they were discussing the cause of wetlands degeneration in Louisiana. Scientists have deduced that the oil and gas industry are the culprits because they dug canals that essentially killed the wetlands, but they were dug decades ago legally. Although the wetlands were identified by the Army Core of Engineers as important ecologically and financially.

So, the blame to placed on the oil and gas industry and the bill to replenish the wetlands is being placed on them. These wetlands protect the Louisiana coastline and there are oil and gas pipes within the coastline. The loss of these coastlines will not only lead to increased damaged along the coastline, but also disrupt the oil and gas production, if the pipes were damaged.

Who will foot the bill? Perhaps instead of trying to manipulate the coastline yet again, we should let it regenerate on its own. Yes, this may cause damage from high energy storms, but let the oil and gas industry be responsibly for their pipes and let the coastline naturally regenerate. Filling in the canals would aid in the wetlands regeneration, but may not be cost effective.

Ah... the relief starts to percolate and settles in as her muscles, tight from stress and anxiety for the past few months, begin to relax. The relaxation is almost trance-like and she feels on the verge of slumber, a slight sleepiness glazes over her eyes.

She is relieved, the termination of a hectic and stressful time, but hesitant to begin what is now necessary. It was the end of a new beginning and she feels exhausted, drained from the process. Emotional and physical stress, her body does not deal well... and the result is utter exhaustion.

However, the tasks do not subside and in order to achieve that which she desires most, time with those she loves, she must continue on. Desiring to escape, she thinks of the future and what has yet to come.

A response to questions unasked

A day to day conversation of common small talk is not something I am able to afford you. The pain you have caused now runs deep and is not due solely to our break up. Being ostracized, as I have conveyed multiple times, is an extremely hurtful action, especially under the conditions with which your friendship was needed.

If you do not want to cause pain, then why do you? It is not necessary, just as the false proclamations of affection that once flowed freely from your lips. I denounce them as false, because it is the only way you could move so easily on.

Perhaps we should take a step back. What is your definition of a friend and why now is it important to you?

The truth is that we are all potential fossils still carrying within our bodies the crudities of former existences, the marks of a world in which living creatures flow with little more consistency than clouds from age to age.

~Loren Eiseley

Truth, more painful than fiction

and soon you will be gone, disappeared, leaving a meandering path of lies. no phone, no email, a connection lost. words trusted, words of love, a meaning skewed, foreign to the lips from which they come. for if the words were true then truth would be said, but as it stands, the foundation built is crumbled, built on lies. for lies are weak, and from weakness they come, leaving bitter distaste, and unresolved emotions.

how can something beautiful turn odium?

move on your merry way, leaving hearts bandaged, spit out by the same lips which were once so sweet, and held such joy, which now spew sewage, contaminating those within range.

the joy you once brought and the moments shared, are now tattered illusions of what was once real. A flawed fantasy, for it simply bides time, goals and aspirations unmet, the used cast aside.

a means to an end and nothing more?

Late night

Papers to edit, things to do and I bake. What more could one want to do when stressed and not caring. My adviser sat down next to me at a seminar today and I was pleased b/c I never see him and I thought it would be nice to chat. However, shortly after sitting down he asks about the project and what I'm doing and I started to get nervous b/c it didn't seem like I was giving him the answer he wanted. Not what I was expecting, not enjoyable.

On the brighter side, Katye is coming to visit on Friday for the weekend. It will be nice to see her. It's been almost a year, yet it seems like yesterday we were hanging out at Brian's talking about life, the universe, and everything. It was nice to be distracted and get to plan a get-a-way for the weekend. Friends are what make each day worth while.

Sorrow of today and tomorrow

The weather coincides with her emotions as the rain drops like tears from the clouds, but unlike the clouds, her sorrow lingers. Overcast clouds dim the sky a dull grey as the green leaves dance intercepting the drops of falling water.

How can something once so beautiful be cast away unwanted and unloved? Like any living thing this has an impact, impacting a weak being already struggling to keep going, although she no longer wants to....

but time continues to pass and she hear the voices of others, saying time will ease the pain, but all she knows id that time keeps passing and things just become more complex. If she could only walk away... but where would she go? It is going to follow her now, no matter where she is.

Why look to that which hurt her, for he said he cared. A friend, that is what he said, requesting to stay in her life. Will she ever learn, that his words have no validity, for his actions do not display the same sentiment. Perhaps eventually, she will move forward and stop moving in circles. For it is a familiar pattern, tat he initiated and she followed.

When will she not feel like the victim? Soon, she hopes... when she finds the answer she feels she so desperately needs.

The air is feeling a bit warmer

Today was the first day that actually felt like spring. Although it is the middle og April and warm weather should have coome sooner, in my humble opinion, the winter weather has been slow to leave. The weekend forecast looks promising and I am eager to go for a mountain ride... if all goes well. It seems like the best reasont o take a break of work.

So, with spring inthe air, I took a few pix of the flowers. The african violet I bought shortly after moving to Greenville has finally started to flower. I was so excited to see the delicate shoots emerging from under the velvety leaves a few weeks ago. They have finally made it all the way out and are bring much needed joy and happiness to the apartment.

Outside the landlord came a few weeks ago and mowed the chaotic mixture of grass and weeds. It made the yard too so much larger, for some reason. In appreciating the sun and warmer weather this morning, I noticed these little yellow flowers that have emerged from the sparsely vegetated ground. They were each unique and so happy, I had to include them as well. As spring moves forward and the sun's warmth generates more flowering, I hope to share those moments with you as well.

Broken

What is it that makes life so hard? It seems that as we age, things become more and more hard.... it makes it difficult to enjoy the good times that briefly occur sporadically. Instead of the fit hitting the shan on those rare occasions, I feel like I'm being pelted continuously.

It seems like a reciprocal relationship... as our health deleteriously decreases with age, we have to deal with combating larger and larger obstacles. Should we have not done this when we were younger and more resilient? Because I feel like I'm trying to be broken.... and truthfully, I could give a sh*t as to endure it.

What's it all for? No matter if one takes the to research and consciously try to make good decisions, they get f*cked! I don't get it. I'm not trying to play the martyr here.... I just don't get it.

I just feel like I've put up a good and I don't think I have the motivation to endure much more. Truthfully, I don't really think it makes a f*cking difference.

Ecological intricacies and their understanding is important to the welfare of both humans and the earth.

Circularity of life's emotions

She stares, as her mind wanders, all the while trying not to think. Surrounded by a field of wild flowers, her sorrow keeps her from enjoying the moment. This moment like other will pass, yet the sorrow does not diminish.

In class, her professors talk, but she fails to hear them. She is consumed by all that she cannot change, a life half lived with no motivation to continue.

Has she lost hope? For she feels hopeless, as though there us no point in living. Like a molecule of water being moved in the circular motion as a wave approaches shore, never moving close, just returning to the same place.

Researching on the water

Watching the sunrise this morning was so beautiful, coming back into port was a sad moment. The past four days being out at sea on a research cruise was wonderful and surprisingly, it wasn't because I learned a great deal; it was simply because we were out on the water.

It was an educational experience and there were a few new faces, which is always nice. We worked hour shifts and there were three shifts per day. I worked the 8 p.m. to 4 a.m. During the cruise we were collecting data using a side-scan sonar multibeam system and chirp, mapping the seafloor bottom and sediments underlying it. Additionally, we collected some water samples at varying depths using a CTD, which holds cartridges that are fired off at varying depths and collect conductivity, temperature, and depth readings.

Being surrounded by water, watching the sun rise and set, felt so right. Making coming back feel so sad. It was a wonderful experience and I'm very happy to have been able to participate. I hope another experience comes along soon.

Between sunrise and sunset, what have you done?

The stress of surviving often clouds the act of living. I have posted on the difference between surviving and living before and yet again, it comes 'round. As the years pass and I become more aware that I am not just an adult but am immersed in adulthood, I question what that means and why the turbulent times seem to be harder to deal with.

Are they becoming more strenuous or am I simply becoming less equipped to deal? Logically it seems over the years and events that roll in and through, one would become more accustomed to dealing with life's ups and downs, but for some reason, that doesn't seem to be the case lately. I want to settle on the events are getting harder.

If that is the case, when do we hit the threshold... the learning curve. Don't get me wrong, I love to learn and grow, but sometimes, when it comes to emotional bullsh*t a person can only take so much. It explains why people are so hard and bittered. Then there are those who have just given up and operate in a blissful existence. How do they not care? How can one live within a society and not be affected by it? This is a topic that I have yet to understand.

How does one live in society, but not be apart of it? It seems against human nature. Humans are social animals. I feel I am diverging from the topic at hand, which occurs quite frequently. So in returning to the topic I ask, as we get older is life about making it thru a day at work, looking to the future for satisfaction, and hoping that you are the one that is not diagnosed with cancer?

Because if that is the case, I'd rather exit now. I tell myself it's not, but sometimes when I stop and think about it, I wonder if it's a lie. I do believe life is a matter of perception and I try to look on the positive side; that seems to begetting smaller and smaller as my time here becomes longer.

I wish this time would pass.

However, there is too much to get accomplished in the meantime. I just wish I could get outa this funk. I feel like I'm sad and depressed and bringing others down. Don't blame them, I wouldn't want to be around me right now.

Just don't get it. I keep trying to tell myself it's b/c I need to get away and I haven't done so in a long time. But, I do not think that encompasses the melancholy state I'm in. Whatever it is, it needs to go. This is the 21st century, people don't have time for that kinda sh*t. We have things to do and tasks to be stressed about... I mean, really!

So,there is no specific point to this post, perhaps it is a cry for help. At this point I think the only thing that will help me is time. More of it and for it to go by quicker would be a nice start.

Hell, I'm going to be 27 this year and don't have a clue as to what I'm doing... how's that for uplifting. Yeah, I got a ton of them.

Thoughts of your well being

To hear your voice
and know you're well
would settle my nerves
put my mind at ease.

Hearing ventures
with other girls
stifles breath
and pains my heart.

That time will come
and sad I'll be
but it is better now
to be free.

The road is harder
without support
and your kind eyes
to lift me up.

Your embrace
I will miss
the safety of your arms
from all that is wrong.

I wish you the best
and hope time will heal
the pain and loss
of one's first love.

Costly coats

So, I just bought a winter coat and boy was it pricey; it was even marked down 40%. I've been looking for awhile now and thought I would catch the after winter sales. However, one must be more on top of things aparently, b/c not everyone marks their stuff down at the same time and I was finding I had waited too long. Thankfully, when I went to buy ear plugs at Overton's, an outdoorish type store in town, I rechecked their sale rack and found one that fit ok and had a feece/down jacket layer that can also be worn separately, which was what I have been looking for. It was $$$ though. I can't imagine growing up in the north and/or having to buy coats for kids, who outgrow them every year.... that would be horrible. It's not a nice jacket, in that I couldn't wear it to a dinner party, but I'm hoping to get a lot of use out of it in the future.

So, after a break up... when does one's life become theirs again?

It seems like it would be easier considering it was a long distance relationship and perhaps it is but where ever I go I am haunted by memories. Being that we were not able to spend much time together, granted there are not very many memories... yet it makes me wonder if I want to include someone in my life... to only be haunted by those instances later.

Perhaps I sound a bit bitter, after all the topic of this post does not represent the various feelings I have concerning the relationship nor the break-up. However, I can't help but keep thinking about it... being that I cannot focus on what I need to be focusing on, hell I have all the time in the world to entertain such thoughts.

I mean, let's put aside the fact that even though I feel like I'm eighteen, I am going to be 27 this year and like an eighteen year old, I have no idea what the f*ck I want to do. Granted the years have supplied me with some ideas, but as for what is realistic... dunno.

When I was younger, I wanted to have kids young and perhaps that was because it was all knew at the time, but now everyone seems to be having kids left and right and I so do not feel compelled to have one. At this point in my life, I could not be a good mother... I don't even have enough time for Karza, and she doesn't need a lot of attention. Regardless, I'm pretty indifferent when it comes to having kids and as for right now, it's not like I'm with someone I'm dying to procreate with.

Which brings me back to my topic for this post. How do you get over a break-up? I missed those introduction sessions highschool and thought it was a good thing I didn't waste my time getting my heart broken when I really didn't know what the hell was going on. However, if I had entertained those things... would it make this all easier?

It doesn't really matter b/c things are as they are. What I want to do is sit with it and work through it. Not dwell, per se, but allow myself to be upset and so then when a memory hits, for instance as I'm walking out of the movie theatre of when 'we' went to see a film, I won't be on the verge of breaking down. Sh*t! I wore a t-shirt the other day with a smiley sunshine on it, to make me happy, and when someone commented on it, it was I could do to walk out of the room with out sobbing. That isn't healthy!?!

It's coming to the point where I'm starting to get frustrated with myself, b/c I'm not getting things done and that just isn't what I need right now. Although, I guess there never really is a good time to break-up. Some may be better than others, but this would have suxed regardless. I think I'm doing a good job at accepting it, better than before and maybe that's why... I've had practice, but not quite enough.

I guess what bothers me is that I want to include others in my life, but when it comes to romantic relationships, it's like it has this negative component that is absent with other relationships. Because when you are to break-up, those memories still linger forcing you see that you have failed. That even though you tried and tried, it wasn't enough and the result is the loss of that person.

That is what gets me the most.

I have noticed in my life that all men have a liking for some special animal, tree, plant, or spot of earth. If men would pay more attention to these preferences they might have dreams that would purify their lives. Let a man decide upon his favorite and make a study of it.

- Frances Densmore
Teton Sioux Music, 1918

What is age
but additional knowledge?

What is time
but an infinite measurement?

What is work
but exerted effort?

What is today
but a day without you?

Non-ignorant thought

Staying focused,
feeling strong,
working towards that-
which we don't belong.

Efforts and stress,
exerted with pain
for a greater good
with little fame.

For the health of the earth
and the health of its beings
each day's endured
and work is done.

Is it in vanity
or work in vain?
As the earth slowly creeps
and is more dismal each day.

Inanimate beauty

Silence and snow

Last night the temperature was expected to drop below freezing and the residents around here were full of excitement with the thought of snow. Being a native Floridian, it's hard to look past the fact it's just too cold to anticipate snow, especially since I have yet to see it.

Last Sunday, there were snow flurries that stayed intact but did not collect in bulk on the ground. It was beautiful to watch them move. There was this silence, peculiar to one who is accustomed to the variety of music that rain plays as it dances from the sky to the ground. The snow however, had no sound. It was a bit hard to accept... seeing these white clods of frozen water and other particulate matter moving about, but creating no noise.... silence. It made me realize how much I enjoyed and took for granted the wonderful sounds of rain.

I have always enjoyed the rains and love to watch the water flow. I get a kick out of watching it move and flow, how it interacts with barriers and carries material. Sometimes, I wish I could do it all day. Perhaps that is why I love the ocean so and can watch and listen to the waves rise and fall. Imagine the ocean without sound. That would be a cruel joke to play on someone. It also makes me feel for those who are not capable of enjoying the symphony of sounds. I like to hone in on one particular sound and then slowly bring myself into the grand concert by noticing adjoining sounds, slowly adding them, until a blissful symphony engulfs me.

However, I originally started this blog entry to say that when I awoke this morning the residents anticipation had been met. There was snow sitting and waiting to be noticed. Unfortunately, I was late rising this morning and did not witness the falling of the snow. As of now, it disappearing... quickly. It was just a preview of what is to come. In joining the others, I anxiously await its return. Perhaps I'll be able to touch it and make a snowball this year!

Rant for the semester... to be repeated

Over the course of time I have dedicated and wasted to the most ridiculous class of the semester, I have learned about Glacier Bay National Park, a lot of government agencies that manage public lands, and Glen Canyon Dam. However, I have yet to learn anything useful about writing. Oh, I take that back I did learn one thing. Last night I learned that you do not hyphenate 'like' words unless there are 3 Ls in a row. However, I have spent a multitude of days working on these papers and have yet to learn anything about how to properly edit them, go about composing them, or effectively deliver the information.

It is just a crude reminder of useless ineffective hurdles one is required to fulfill. For some reason, I thought I was beyond that...not above it, just beyond it!

During a seminar course this morning I found myself asking question after question. Not that this is something new, however after the class, I asked the professor, also being one of my advisors , if I had been asking too many questions and diverting the conversation. Posed with this question, he gallantly answered "no, you are a skeptic... and I should be able to inform you..." Hearing the word skeptic somewhat offended me, but I tried to think about it more logically, replying "I see myself more as simply trying to rationalize the the use of the topic."

As I proceeded onto my next course, in which I am one of the few students voicing my 'skepticism', I recalled how at a young age I continuously inquired, trying to understand the world around me and posing question after question to my peers. Although this was often not welcomed and eventually conditioned me to limit my inquiries, it was also the main reason I entered into the field of science. It is here that questions spur research and they are the foundation of the scientific community.

Therefore, as the second course ended and I had asked many more questions, I realized.... I am a scientist, perhaps not a geologist, but one who is looking for answers. Answers to understand the world around me and ultimately to be used to help decrease the strain and negative impacts on the earth we are all apart of.... and I will not stop until they have all been answered!

The St. Augustine News

And what does a concerned children's story book author do to protest child pornography????

Why he dresses up in a tiger suite, breaks into the St. Augustine Lighthouse, but leaves a note, and responsibly climbs to the top with a flag blazing Myduke (the name of the tiger in his children's story).

What does pornography have to do with any of it?

Ah...and it makes so much sense....

According to ever wise myspace postings, the day of my birth designates my tree to be a lime tree.

meaning....

Lime Tree (Doubt) - intelligent, hard working, accepts what life
dishes out, but not before trying to change bad circumstances into
good ones, hates fighting and stress, enjoys getaway vacations, may appear tough, but is actually soft and relenting, always willing to make sacrifices for family and friends, has many talents but not always enough time to use them, can become a complainer, great leadership qualities, is jealous at times but extremely loyal.

If only I knew this long ago, life would have made been so much easier....

Film frenzy

Lately, I have been escaping into films. Though this is not uncommon for me, it was how I chose to spend my free time, visiting the Hippodrome weekly in Gainesville, before moving up here to North Carolina. However, after relocating and sadly finding there was no art house or local theatre playing foreign and or non-mainstream films, I turned my attentions elsewhere when free of work and class obligations.

Recently, even though I have not had the luxury of free time, I have been escaping to the theatre on campus that shows two movies changing them each week. Generally, the films include one blockbuster and one less mainstream. This is where I saw the film 'Junebug' that I reviewed on the movie blog I contribute to, which is listed under my blogworthiness links. Even if it was not a movie I had been wanting to see but was unable to afford a tix at the local cash only, no student discount theatre here in town, it is a nice break that I would otherwise waste on non-efficient activities.

The recent films have been well chosen; I must give props to whomever is picking them out. The film 'Junebug' was thought provoking. It was very well done. I had not seen anything the director had done before but I was impressed with his representation of the story. It was an interesting storyline as well and the acting was well performed. Though it seemed so simple, it was a very intricate lending to a variety of unspoken topics and perspectives that could be expanded upon.

This past weekend, 'Stay' was showing at the theatre, in addition to the blockbuster 'Saw II'. I saw 'Saw' and thought it was good, plot wise, but too gory and the director did not expand represent it as well as it could have been shown. Needless to say, I was not interested in seeing 'Saw II,' but decided to check out 'Stay'. After looking it up on IMDB, I was excited to see that Ryan Gosling was in it. I have only seen him in 'The United States of Leland,' which was a good film; so good that I had to buy it. I enjoyed his acting in that film and was interested to see how well of an actor he was and have been looking to see him in something new. Additionally, Ewan McGregor, who I first saw in 'Moulin Rouge' and have enjoyed his later performances, including the young Ed Blum in 'Big Fish,' is also in the film. Naomi Watts is also in the film, but she seems to play similar characters or she seems to play her characters similarly, in my opinion; however, I have not been following her career.

Getting back to the movie 'Stay'; my overall opinion was that it was good. I would give it a 4 out of 5. The film was well acted, the cinematography was good with some interesting shots, and the story was interesting.. leaving one something to ponder as they left the theatre; however, there seemed to be something missing... something more that didn't have to be there but could have been. What is it that I am speaking of? I'm not sure at the moment, I'm still trying to figure it out. The film was well done and effective, but I guess the message it was trying to get across didn't seem as heavy or significant as it could of been. I did feel the film tried something new and was not a trite story or reliance of one, which always a pleasure.

I would not say it is a must see, but it is an enjoyable watch. Something nice to watch to get one's mind thinking about something different for a change.

With Arms Outstretched

Its 16 miles, to the promise land
and I promise you, I'm doing the best I can
now don't fool yourself
in thinking you're more than a man
cause you'll probably end up dead

i visit these
mountains with frequency
and i stand here with my arms out
now somedays they'll last longer than others
but this day by the lake went too fast

and if you want me
you better speak up i won't wait
so you better, move fast

don't fool yourself
in thinking you're more than you are
with your arms outstretched to me

now its 16 miles to the promised land
and i promise you i'm doing the best i can
now somedays they last longer than others
but this day by the lake went to fast

and if you want me, you better speak up i won't wait
so you better move fast

and somedays they last longer than others
but this day by the lake went to fast
and if you want me, you better speak up i wont wait
so you better move fast

- Rilo Kiley

Simple saturdays

Yet another day is coming to a close.

The wind roars outside, mimicking the sound of the ocean as I can't quite recall the last time I was within its vast greatness.

Darkness has come, outside the small apartment window and the light inside does not allow me to witness the trees bashed by the roaring wind, disguised as ocean waves to my wishful ears.

The sweet melody of Rilo Kiley plays on the stereo accompanied by her cynical lyrics, delivered with a soft light voice slightly jaded by life.

Partial satisfaction of work accomplished while ignoring all that is still to be done. A few more hours will lend to greater satisfaction....

and a life less lived, by one's perception.

It's only temporary... the words run through my head. Perhaps if I keep hearing it I will one day listen, and accept that more is yet to come.

Though more is not necessary, we look forward... yearning for it... effortlessly working harder to achieve it, though what it is, we do not know.... exactly.

Now is nice. More experiences would be nice, but less things. Less hoops to jump through and less busy work. Additional experiences to broaden my thirsty perspective, anxiously waiting to be pushed, pulled, and expanded.

Will tomorrow be the same? Hopefully not....

Rilo Kiley
The Execution of All Things

soldiers come quickly, i feel the earth beneath my feet.
i’m feeling badly, it’s not an attempt at decency.
and if you’re well off, well then i’m happy some for you.
but i’d rather not celebrate my defeat and humiliation here with you.

someone come quickly, this place was built for moving out.
leave behind buildings, the city planners got mapped out.
bring with you history, and make your hard earned feast.
then we’ll go to omaha to work and exploit the booming music scene and humility.
and we’ve been talking all night….

oh god come quickly, the execution of all things.
let’s start with the bears and the air and mountains, rivers, and streams.
then we’ll murder what matters to you and move on to your neighbors and kids.
crush all hopes of happiness with disease ‘cause of what you did.
and lastly, you’re all alone with nothing left but sleep.

but sleep never comes to you, it’s just the guilt and forever wakefulness of the weak.
it’s just you and me….

the execution of all things.
the execution of all things.
the execution of all things.