It seems like it would be easier considering it was a long distance relationship and perhaps it is but where ever I go I am haunted by memories. Being that we were not able to spend much time together, granted there are not very many memories... yet it makes me wonder if I want to include someone in my life... to only be haunted by those instances later.
Perhaps I sound a bit bitter, after all the topic of this post does not represent the various feelings I have concerning the relationship nor the break-up. However, I can't help but keep thinking about it... being that I cannot focus on what I need to be focusing on, hell I have all the time in the world to entertain such thoughts.
I mean, let's put aside the fact that even though I feel like I'm eighteen, I am going to be 27 this year and like an eighteen year old, I have no idea what the f*ck I want to do. Granted the years have supplied me with some ideas, but as for what is realistic... dunno.
When I was younger, I wanted to have kids young and perhaps that was because it was all knew at the time, but now everyone seems to be having kids left and right and I so do not feel compelled to have one. At this point in my life, I could not be a good mother... I don't even have enough time for Karza, and she doesn't need a lot of attention. Regardless, I'm pretty indifferent when it comes to having kids and as for right now, it's not like I'm with someone I'm dying to procreate with.
Which brings me back to my topic for this post. How do you get over a break-up? I missed those introduction sessions highschool and thought it was a good thing I didn't waste my time getting my heart broken when I really didn't know what the hell was going on. However, if I had entertained those things... would it make this all easier?
It doesn't really matter b/c things are as they are. What I want to do is sit with it and work through it. Not dwell, per se, but allow myself to be upset and so then when a memory hits, for instance as I'm walking out of the movie theatre of when 'we' went to see a film, I won't be on the verge of breaking down. Sh*t! I wore a t-shirt the other day with a smiley sunshine on it, to make me happy, and when someone commented on it, it was I could do to walk out of the room with out sobbing. That isn't healthy!?!
It's coming to the point where I'm starting to get frustrated with myself, b/c I'm not getting things done and that just isn't what I need right now. Although, I guess there never really is a good time to break-up. Some may be better than others, but this would have suxed regardless. I think I'm doing a good job at accepting it, better than before and maybe that's why... I've had practice, but not quite enough.
I guess what bothers me is that I want to include others in my life, but when it comes to romantic relationships, it's like it has this negative component that is absent with other relationships. Because when you are to break-up, those memories still linger forcing you see that you have failed. That even though you tried and tried, it wasn't enough and the result is the loss of that person.
That is what gets me the most.
1 comment:
...and what will heal you the most is time. There isn't anything else in the world. Trust me, I'm old and know these things.
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