Drowning in a sea of fluff

So, a lot has been going on lately... to the point where I've yet to be able to take it all in. Through each 'growth' experience endured, I feel myself becoming stronger, but at the same time weaker. It is as though the range between the peaks and valleys become wider, meaning when the next 'growth' experience occurs I feel like the depth of pain fallen to is deeper and the point to rise above it is farther away. The positive spin on this is that the new point arisen to [if capable of enduring the depth] is higher than previously reached.

The routine of emotional oscillation does not feel nor does it logically seem like a productive way to move through life... but what other choice is there? One option is to simply ignore and not deal with life's occurrences, but frankly I've tried that and am still working towards undoing the by-products. The approach as of late has been to allow myself to delve into the emotions, giving them the attention they are wanting, screaming for, like a child, and once satisfied, they are content and I can move on my way. This approach has been more beneficial than the one previously stated, but the moving on part is where I seem to get hung up.

Forgiving and forgetting has never been something that came easily to me. However, as you may have guessed, holding grudges is second nature and is something I have been and still am diligently working on trying to overcome. Holding a grudge, building walls, and retreating feels ingrained and once hurt, there is little one can do to reconcile it, although taking responsibility for one's actions has always been a positive act in my eyes.

This all sounds self-centered and possibly self-righteous and hey, maybe I'm the f*cked up one who needs to get with the program.... but it just doesn't seem right. Hurting someone you care about just is not acceptable to me. Perhaps I'm the only one who feels this way and is simply not ready to be ostracized. Intimacy is the beautiful glue that holds relationships together, without it people are simply animals in close proximity. The lack of intimacy in relationships that occurs as we get older is what feels ostracizing b/c the rest just seems like fluff.