Some pictures taken one of the days we were working in field.... This storm got us moving quickly.

It is a nice field site. I wouldn't mind having to go out once a month and collect data. We were collecting data and taking various measurements of the wells, the circular things in the ground we had put in earlier in the week, for Ari's project. We had to dig out the holes, usually put casing in, which is a large expensive hollow pvc pipe, and then insert the well. The well consists of a smaller pvc pipe with a plastic filter on the bottom, to let water in but keep sand out. She then lowered lagers, which collect data at set intervals.

These sites are located near SR 12 on the OBX. It's like A1A in Florida. It's the main road that runs down the barrier islands.

Here's a pix of JP, one of my advisors, and I working at sites farther North from the others, hence there is no storm.

This pix was taken on the sound side of the road. Ari, the one with the laptop, Twaumly, and I workin' hard.

Return from OBX

Survival in the Outer Banks was tough....naw, just joking. It was more like a vacation. Hot and sweaty working all day in the sun, a dip in the ocean afterwards to cool off and clean up and then dinner and getting to know knew people. Mixed in with a few late nights and some exploring and then high tailing it back west. Further exploration is definitely a must.

Were we were at, near Jockey's Ridge State Park and Kitty Hawk, the ocean water was calm with waves rolling in close to shore, not good for body boarding. Being over there made me realize how much I miss it.... just being on or near the ocean.

Hopefully, one day I'll be able to call a place near the beach my home and watch the changing shoreline being wisped away and return. But for now, I am here in Greenville, enjoying my time and keeping busy with an endless list of 'To Do' activities. Anxiously awaiting a visit from old friends and those soon to come.

Off to the field....

The weekend in Fl went well. Did not have much time but I think it was nice to get to visit with a few people. I arrived Friday afternoon and was soon there after dragged into the 'family photos' at Matthew's mom's wedding. The pix are going to be viewable online; when I get the link, I'll post it here and you can take a peak. The wedding was held at Hanna park in North Jax. Beach. I enjoy the park so much... it's beautiful. Shortly after the ceremony we headed down to the beach for a quick dip. It was great! Unfortunately though, due to the weather, there were a lot of strong rip currents.

Sunday afternoon, I headed back north to Greenville and today, I am going out to Nags Head, on the Outer Banks, to join the others for some field work the rest of the week. We are going to be staying in Nags Head and working north of the thick part of Cape Hatterus, where is turns in, towards the mainland, and also south of Cape Hatterus, in the Buxton area. The house is located on a wildlife preserve and there is no television so, it will be nice. I hope to get some good pictures, take a stroll around the preserve, and get to enjoy the beach some.

I hope all goes well and I do not get sick with the flu. I was able to get away without catching it Saturday, may have been infected Sunday. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

You have to read this I don't know about you guys but, I can account to having been apart of 5 or more of the listed items, which apparently means that I am a devil worshiper and desperately need help and have "gone astray from the Lord." It severely saddens me that there are people out there that truly believe this sh*t!

Busy bees buzz merrily

Things have been a bit crazy lately. Not crazy interesting, just crazy busy. I'm going to be heading south tomorrow morning to attend Matthew's mother's wedding. It will be nice to see you guys again. I was hoping we could have a beach day Saturday, but it looks like the rains from the tropical storm may intervene. It may still be possible though.

After driving back up Sunday morning, I am supposed to meet a group of people over on the outerbanks to help with field work for the rest of the week. I'm excited! Days spent sweating toxins away and working my nonexistent butt off, yipee! And that is said without a hint of sarcasm. Unfortunately, I will not be able to bring Karza with me, but a few graduate students have offered to take care of her for me. I am very grateful, but feel a bit weird about the whole thing.

All in all, things seem to be working out well. I've been making lots of maps recently, which is good, b/c I need the practice. It is so nice to be able to make something... guess that's why I like GIS.... I get to play with and make maps.

Hopefully, I'll be able to take some shots at the wedding and out in the field. I posted some more pix on the online album. There are some from the summer I spent in Panama and some more photos added to already existing albums. Unfortunately, I have met the maximum capacity of free space offered. I am not sure what I am going to do yet. If anyone has any suggestions, that would great!

Sweet patchouli

Here are some pix of my precious patchouli plant.  I transplanted it when I moved, and it has increased a lot in size.  Just think, it was a small propogated plant in a 4 inch pot, when I bought it.  I must admit, it is my most spoiled plant, if any are spoiled.  It definately gets the most attention.  You can smell the patchouli fragrance a little now, but I can't wait until it flowers.

Sunday music in the park...

A dime story

Walking out of the store, I glance down see a dime and continue walking. A dime, 10 cents, which today is worthless on it’s own. I barely remember being able to buy a piece of cheap sugar candy when I was a kid. It’s amazing how much inflation has taken place over the course of my lifetime, a mere 25 years.

To remember when a phone call was a quarter, just what a kid could store in their kangaroo sneakers. Now, gas is increasing daily and is thought not to decrease, ever. In listening to NPR today, there was a discussion of gas prices and going rate for oil. It is expected that by the end of the year supply is going to be able to meet demand, which means that the wealthy will be ones able to enjoy the luxury of long distance transport. What does that have to say about plane flights? The airlines are in great trouble now; higher gasoline princes are going to make things worse.

Where did it all go wrong? That answer is varied, however, our current president is not helping the matter. What were Americans thinking electing a man funded and devoted to the oil industry? It angers me to see people agree with the band-aids set forth, instead of trying to deal with the source. Buying more oil is not the answer, drilling our oil is n to the answer, the only answer is finding another way. That is where research money should be going… not into health cures. What good is it to keep people alive when there is nowhere for them to live or a way for them to live?

However, I am a hypocrite in saying this, even though it is what I believe. Yet I drive my little 4-cylinder engine and burn gasoline, hell I’m typing this right now, using up energy. We, as humans, think our satisfaction is above all else, even other people’s satisfaction. I wonder if I will ever be able to practice what I preach. But still, I am just a hypocrite, pointing out what most educated peoples also see. Perhaps if I keep my little candle burning, it will attract others and soon there will be a fire burning so powerful it will blanket the earth and no ignorant, selfish person will be able to stop it!

Size small

In a search for a desk, I entered one of the many commercial chains taking hold. Before making my way to the furnishings area, I was sidetracked by their clothing sections. Though I’m not in a position to buy any new clothing, I peruse the racks anyway. Finding a pair of cropped yoga pants, size medium, I head to the dressing room to try them on. Surprisingly, they are too big and I have to look for a smaller size. I locate a pair labeled small and gleefully head back to the fitting room. I cannot remember the last time I have worn a pair of pants or shorts sized small.

I try on the pants and end up purchasing them, partially because they are a small and fit and partially b/c I have been considering purchasing a pair. As I left the store, with clothing unneeded and no desk, I begin to think about my motive for purchasing the pants… because they were a small and they fit, when I am normally a medium, on a good day, if not a large.

So, what’s the big deal? Why did this short-lived ego boost [I later noticed the pants were mislabeled and they are in fact a medium] linger in my thoughts? Well, it made me think about societal norms and how I too am influenced by them. Striving to be thin, a thin that would normally be considered unhealthy. I think that I am a string individual, with my own thoughts, ideals, and desires. Yet, some are shared by others, some I often question… as to whom they belong.

Time alone

This time alone has been wonderful, like a much needed vacation. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the company and do miss the time spent with friends, but there is just something that feels so good about it... that just feels right.

Things don’t normally feel that way for me. More often, they are a struggle and had I known how much of a struggle, I would not have pursued them so. Now, I can see things from a different light. It is wonderful to feel and experience what I had witnessed for others.

Sometime, after returning from Tennessee, I feel like something happened and I had come to and understanding or acceptance with what I was about to undergo. I was alright that Matthew was going to be an 8-hour drive away and that I was not going to interact with the people I would look forward to seeing on a daily or weekly basis. Whatever happened, I am grateful, because I do not know how I would have fared through this experience otherwise.

Though I do miss the people I would talk with and spend time with, I am relishing this quiet time. So, no offense to anyone… I still love and care about you all. This time is much needed and is a preparation for what is to come. Soon, I the loneliness will set in, but I hope I will be able to accept and deal with it. It’s nice to be anonymous and to have things be new and unknown. Though it doesn’t last long, I guess I’m just enjoying it.

Relocating....

Sitting here at The Tispy Tea-pot, a local bookstore, tea, and now coffee house [the coffee house next door went out of business, so they are accommodating us pesky java junkies], I stopped in to use the free wireless internet to check email and look into some bills.

Things have been going well with the move and all. Pulling the trailer was not that bad actually. I am enjoying my truck more and more these days. It's becoming quite the everything vehicle. Luckily, we did run into much trouble during the travel up. I was rather frustrated with myself though b/c we had a late start. However, I had only myself to blame.

Thursday was very pleasant and I am so fortunate to have friends willing to donate their time to help me move. We sent out to Satchel's, my favorite pizza place, and had a good dinner. The food there is always great, I'm really going ot miss it... and the company!

Matthew and I arrived very late, Friday night, and ended up crashing on the hard linoleum floor. Not the best sleeping condition. The next day we unloaded the trailer, or I should say Matthew unloaded most of it. His help was wonderful and having him here for the transition has made the world of difference. It just feels so right... and that is a wonderful welcomed feeling, I'm hoping to become more accustomed to.

The weekend was filled with various trips to the dreaded conglomerate named Wal-Mart. Because of my picky, also called frustrating, way of going about things, these various trips were more intensive than what Matthew had in store, but he endured them well overall.

The begining of the week was spent at the DMV and various other offices, trying to receive a drver's license and start extablishing residency. Many hours and an empty pocket book later, all was successful.

The apartment is great! I really like it and it is wonderful to be living alone. I was worried about Karza, since she would not Bailey to play with anymore, but every surrounding neighbor has a dog. There is a guy moving in at the end of the month on the other side of me and we will see how that goes, but so far things have been great! The back yard is really nice, good sized, with plenty of space. There is a bird's nest in the corner of my A/C unit and I even got a bird feeder for the other birds.

As for the town, it's reminding me more and more of Gainesville. There are all your main corporate stores and restaurants, i.e. Best Buy, Ruby Tuesdays, Target, Circuit City, T. J. Max, Bed Bath & Beyond, etc. but it looks like they have a lot of local stuff too. Once I get my hands on a phone book, I'm hoping to utilize the local places more. On the other hand,Greenville is like the polar opposite of Gainesville in that the people are so nice and helpful. It's wonderful to go into a store and ask for something and actually have someone try and help you find it, if they don't already know where it is. The South does have some perks.

Overall, I'm really happy with my decision, just wish I could bring you guys up here with me. You'll have to some up and visit! My door is always open and I'll save a spot for ya on the floor.

Bonnaroo experience

The Bonnaroo festival was a fun experience, though I am not sure if I am going next year. The music was great, but the weather was not. However, from talking with locals, it seems usual for Manchester, TN around that time.

As we were heading up we drove through downtown Atlanta. I had never been so it was eye stimulating experience. The buildings were so beautiful. There were many of the old brick buildings with beautiful architecture. Katye took the picture below...

This was the entrance to the main stage. Each time we entered we were searched. It was interesting to me how one becomes conditioned so easily. You become accustomed to what they are gonna check and they don't have to even say anything. We are all just Pavlovian mice.

The camping area was outside 'Centeroo', which was where the bands performed. Having been checked at the gate, once you move into Centeroo, you would find there are randomly placed things, such as pinwheels, flashing lightning bugs, a group of red flags, the Magic Mushroom Fountain, Happy Men on sticks, and others. Upon seeing this sign, after having just entered the Centeroo grounds, I felt like I was in Dr. Seus land at Islands of Adventure.

This continued on because the stages the artists played at were named What Stage, Which Stage, That Tent, This Tent, and The Other Tent. This Tent is where we saw most of the shows.

Ah, the Magic Mushroom Fountain. I was enchanted with this precariously placed device and was sad not to have partaken in its wonderful flowing waters. Katye and I had planned on getting in it but the weather turned rainy and then a bit chilly, so bathing in the Magic Mushroom Fountain did not occur. I'd like to have one at my home one day though.

So, how did the dirty festival goers remain somewhat clean and not stink out their neighbors? Well, there were water stations placed next to the Porto-potties where one can brush their teeth, bathe, wash dishes, and gather water. The water came form a well on the farm and was really good. It was cold and reminded me of mountain water form the highlands. Unfortunately, they did not remain very clean. Americans are such filthy, lazy animals.

These Happy Men were located on sticks, placed on a row on one side of Centeroo. They were each different and decorated uniquely as well.

For Matthew

Love is....

  the happiness with anticipation
    of our next encounter.
  your smile cupped by a dimple
    in each cheek.
  the embrace of your arms
    as they hold me tight.

Love is...

   the saddness overtaking me
     knowing we will part.
   the whiff of your scent
     as I lie in bed, alone.
   wanting to share every detail of my day,
     because it felt like you were there,
     but somehow missed it.

Love is...

   the pain felt, knowing you are
     miles away.
   feeling helpless being able to comfort you
     with only words.
   a wonderfully painful gift
     I feel towards you.

And my favorite pix from the evening....

Though we didn't get around to playing cards that evening, it was nice to relax at Backstreet's, drink a Black Velvet and ease into the realization I would be unable to do just that in a few weeks.

Oh, the stress of foosball! I was not a very good foosball player but managed to score a goal.

The art of foosball is a serious matter. Note the concentration in Dan's face and the power of the lollipop.

And we can't forget the players......

Matthew and Ginger this past weekend at the coffee shop after a rigerous game of foosball. When did he become an angel? I think there are some things they do not know.

Saying good-bye is not an easy thing, for me. That is prolly why I was not looking forward to this past weekend. The weekend went well and I am very happy with it, but it's still hard knowing I won't be able to see people I care about somewhat frequently.

Part of the reason I find it hard is because I often feel that things could be better. That the relationships could be stringer, at least with family. I feel like I haven't done enough or tried hard enough, when all that I can really do is accept things as they are.

That is where the true problem lies... with accepting things as they are. Why is it so hard? I do not understand why I create high expectations for others to live up to. They could care less and often don't understand why I get upset. One of the hardest lessons for me seems to be to not place my expectations on others and accept them for who they are, point blank.

If only there was a recipe or procedure.

People seem to be drifting away, out of my life. Our connections are lengthening and something is coming between us. This is contrasting to the contacts I have received by a few friends recently; yet, it feels as though they are drifting away.

Is it me that is drifting away?

Perhaps I am isolating myself, subconsciously. That way it will be easier when I move. This would not surprise me. However, part of me feels we are growing apart or there is some disagreement on the way to look at the world. But there is not one way, so that does not seem to fit.

So, I sit here, sipping my coffee, thinking about the egg sandwich I bought that is now going to waste... cold and unappetizing. I was starving, just 20 minutes ago, couldn't wait to eat the egg and cheese croissant. Then, after a squabble, my appetite completely dissolved. The waste of money and effort of getting the sandwich is what is uneasy. That and the lingering of an unresolved squabble.

What a way to start the day.... for some reason, it was one of those mornings were I was already braced for such an event.

Yet I am still surprised...

   Voluntary-

We cannot be deliberate
  when we are distracted
    from life.
We cannot be intentional
  when we are not
    paying attention.
We cannot be purposeful
  when we are not
    being present.

The objective is not dogmatically to live with less, but is a more demanding intention of living with balance, in order to find a life of purpose, fulfillment, and satisfaction.

Count Down....

It's only 3 weeks until I depart. I can't believe it's so soon. Finally, excitement is felt. It will be so nice, though hard at times. A think a change is good. I've been asking for one for a long time now; I hope this one will be enoyable. I'm going to be in St. Augustine the first weekend in June to gather some things and say farwell. If you'd like to get together, email me and we can set a time to meet up.

The week I am leaving, it would be nice to get together in G-ville. I was thinking Wednesday, the 15th, would be good. More details to come later.....

Yipee!!!!!!!!!!

With thoughts of dismay about my new transition and journey, I was offered some literature to dwell upon. I found the small book full of wonderful verse, compelling to search out a copy for my own. Within the pages lies many words to ponder on; however, this particular poem is the one originally suggested. Though the verse is long, the fifth portion contains these propelling words:

From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines,
Going where I list, my own master total and absolute,
Listening to others, considering well what they say,
Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating,
Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me.

Taken from Song of The Open Road by Walt Witman

Getting older is something I try not to think about. It is something I'm not comfortable with. Acceptance of the deterioration and inhibition that accompanies increasing age... watching yourself become limited physically and or mentally, it just doesn't sit well with me. I have never felt comfortable with the concept.

During a counseling session with many years ago, the counselor commented on how I would be very prepared in dealing with old age because of my previous experience of being limited both physically and mentally, but it was quite the opposite. That time in my like was horrible and I would never never wish that one anyone. Dealing with something you have no control over and knowing at one time it was not like that,is a mind f*ck.

Birthdays have always been more of a depressing event than anything else. 2 years ago, I decided to celebrate my birthday for the first time, and had a nice time. Last year, it wasn't the best but a friends parents' made it one the nicest evenings, at least until someone else interrupted.

So this year, I'm going to be far away and prolly alone and I think that will just fine. I think I'll go camping and enjoy from where I have come and focus on where I would like to go.

Unfortunately, time does not slow down, let alone stop. So I suppose it's up to us to make the best of it. As with this transition, it's just a matter of sitting back, relaxing, and enjoying the ride. I just wish the seats were a little more comfy.

According to cyberspace, I am going to live to be 98 and I will die of natural causes...

Your choice of life style has enabled you to live a nice long life.. To eventually die of a stroke, or was it a heart attack.. Either way you out lived just about anyone that gave a shit about you anyway.. Congrats

Click here to find out how you will die

Sometimes, I feel like I just want to be alone. Like I can subsist by myself and I want to prove it. To be contained in my own thoughts with interaction with others going as far as common chit-chat, a mere waste of time, really.

But then, I know myself and the yearning for company that will surface, inevitably. For some, perhaps they have their family and that's all they need. People who love you but don't necessarily like you or share common interested and perspectives.

For the first time in my life, I realized how someone could become completely encapsulated with their significant other and let all their other relationships slip away. It's easy, as most self-centered actions are.

Perhaps it's because I am tired that I feel this way. Wanting to interact with friends but having nothing to say. No nrg to give nor interest in pursuing. Though it's a decision to be regretted, I am still entertaining... the thought of being alone, a feeling so familiar.... more than a lover's touch.

Though it will be a state of mind I will surface from soon. It's an interesting thought.... to play with and mold, like a chunk of clay.

Wow, now I know how old people live. I have spent the whole day at home, doing nothing. Aside from going up to the grocer to get some OJ and frozen fruit bars, which are the best thing since sliced bread, I have stayed home, watched 2 movies [previously viewed], and taken a 3-4 hour knap this afternoon. Surprisingly, I'm ok with it. Normally, I would have worked at least 8 hours and then ran around trying to get everything else done, but today, since I'm not feeling well, I stayed home from work and rested. I thought many times about going in and trying to work some hours but felt it would be best to stay home and rest and attempt work tomorrow.

Escape

How does being someplace else,
make everything ok?

Mind racing
wanting to run

to someplace different,
someplace fun.

A coffee shop,
though abundant here,

doesn’t stop
the urge to run.


How does seeing someone,
satiate a need?

Physical contact,
calming tones,

breathing easier,
not alone.

Welcoming arms,
offer comfort.

Just one night,
a mere few hours.


How close
can someone be?

Time apart,
wanting to be close.

To interact,
have contact,
but not consume.

Resistance broken,
a heart healed.


Is it safe?
No answers here.

Some things are in our control and others are not. Things in our control are opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever are our own actions. Things not in our control are body, property, reputation, command, and, in one word, whatever are not our own actions.

The things in our control are by nature free, unrestrained, unhindered,; but those not in our control are weak, slavish, restrained, belonging to others. Remember, then, that if you suppose that things which are slavish by nature are also free, and that what belongs to others is your own, then you will be hindered. You will lament, you will be disturbed, and you will find fault both with gods and men. But if you suppose that only to be your own which is your own, and what belongs to others such as it really is, then no one will ever compel you or restrain you. Further, you will find fault with no one or accuse no one. You will de nothing against your will. No one will hurt you, you will have no enemies, and you not be harmed.

Aiming therefore at such great things, remember that you must not allow yourself to be carried even with a slight tendency, towards the attainment of lesser things. Instead, you must entirely quit some things for the present postpone the rest. But if you would both have these great things, along with power and riches, then you will not gain even the latter, because you aim at the former too: but you will absolutely fail of the former, by which alone happiness and freedom are achieved.

taken from The Enchiridion By Epictetus

tHoUgHtS & pErSpEcTiVeS

Last night, in a restless act of trying to finish one of the many books I've started and giving myself the mental exhaustion needed for sleep, I attempted to finish the last chapter of a book.

The author was discussing genetic modified farming practices and described his visits to 3 different farms. In reading his description of the various farming practices, I comprehended them as perspectives in approaching life.

The first farm he visited used Monsanto products [genetically modified organisms (GMO)- potatoes] but was at the mercy of the corporation and his buyer as to what product to plant [only one type of potatoe for McDonald's, which is susceptible to a certain disease causing brown spots on the skin that is solely cosmetic but McDonald's will not buy b/c they 'look' bad, meaning an extra heaping of pesticides is in order]. He also stated his feelings about alternate farming practices and that he always plant a small crop for his own consumption, which do not undergo the strenuous chemical practices that his other fields do.

The second farmer also used GMOs but was more high tech. [all his crops were run with computers] and he owned stock in the chemical distributors of the area. He gave the impression, at least to the author and to me, that he was in control and comfortable with his practices, though his farm underwent the same as the previous farmer.

The last farm the author visited was that of an organic potatoe farmer. It is not nay surprise to most that I would see this way of farming as optimum choice, but was interesting was its comparison with the other 2 farms. The organic farm used no chemical pesticide treatments, he used other means, such as planting other plants to deter the pests or varying rotation as to confuse the beetles, and ect. Though the inputs were far less, it requires more man-power to weed and keep the crops running, but it was the natural way to go about farming.

What interested me was the 3 perspectives. One being at the mercy at the corporations and buyers, the second not feeling helpless because he was not only a farmer but part of the corporate aspect, and the third working with the land being apart of what he was doing.... not feeling governed by it or governing it, but helping the earth create nourishment for others... giving the time and nrg, not sitting behind a desk at a computer screen, or running away from a pesticide ridden field.

I feel as though the third perspective is where I am trying to be but more often I feel like the first farmer. I would never want to be in the shoes of the second farmer, b/c I do not agree with that way of life, and I am striving to be in the company of the third farmer but often feel trapped in the shoes of the first farmer. Under the control of the corporations and at their mercy.

This is something I battle with every day..... How to live in society and not be apart of it? It seems like a trick question... one that is unanswerable.

Travelin' Dawg

When will I not be alone?
In a place where uncertainty grows,
in a world always uncomfortable,
like a new pair of jeans...
that never break-in.

Comforted by friends.
Their caring eyes
and sincere words...
all bounce off the walls
carefully constructed,
surrounding me,
protecting me,
and separating.... us.

Separating them
from me.
The world,
from my world.
A place I've come to know.
A place comfortable and...
in which I'm in control.

In which no one can hurt me.
I am safe.
I am..... alone.

Sedirea joponica

Here is the newest Orchid addition. This one was purchased at the Spring Plants Fesival held at Kanapaha Botanical Gardens, here in Gainesville. It's a wonderful festival, with music, good food,and lots of beautiful plants. Unfortunately, I do not think the other flowers are going to open on the shoot. But I was pleasantly surprised to see this one last weekend.

Questions


What is it about being tired,
that brings delusion?

What is it about pain,
that creates revenge?

What is it about solitude,
that brings comfort?

Why do emotions,
bring depression and ecstasy?

What is depression,
if ecstasy doesn't exist?

What is wholeness,
to one who is not fragmented?

Why do we ask questions,
if no answers exist?

Time goes by. How does it happen? All of a sudden we are on different pages, in different books, on different shelves.... and it's hard to retrace how we get there, sometimes I forget. Then, I open a book that looks a little familiar and a heartwarming memory plays, like an old film on a reel to reel. It doesn't last long, and then the consistent flapping of the end of the film.... slap, slap, slap, is heard.... and the memory is over. Sometimes I wish I didn't end and I didn't come back to the present, out of the darkroom, with the film rolling from scene to scene, like a familiar friend. As a smile creeps across my face, knowing what's going to happen next......

swampland

River Park North, NC

This is the house I want to buy.... this is my first house. Matthew came accross it the first time we went up to NC. When wewereup there this last time, we went by it and the woman selling the house let us go in and look around.


It is so beautiful... The house was built int he 1950's and the outside is cedar shingles. I want to buy it very badly. The house is perfect. It's small and cozy with 2 bedrooms, an upstairs loft/study, and an unfinished attic. There is a detached garage with a wrokshop area and a nce sized open yard. I don't think it could be more perfect, unless I already owned it.

backseat passenger

on the road....

This past weekend's trip to North Carolina was a success. I secured an apartment for June; the lease papers came in the mail today. In the meantime, before moving, aside from packing and getting my belongings up there, and working extra at work, I am going to need to start studying for the qualifying exam. Around the end of August, before fall semester starts, every incoming master's student has to take the qualifying exam.

This exam shows the department in what areas the student is lacking, so they can then take the necessary classes to make up those deficiencies. Come to find out, only 60% of students entering the Master's, with a Bachelor's Degree in Geology pass the exam. So, I am going to study my ass off and probably fail. But, I just hoping not to fail too badly, so that I do not have to take an overwhelming amount of undergraduate course work or more than 2 semesters worth [6 classes]. I wouldn't mind if you kept your fingers crossed for me. In August, I can use all the positive thoughts I can get.

For those of us born in September we are supposedly:

Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people's mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves sports, leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.

For some reason, it seems all to familiar.

It's nice to know that things are looking up for others as well, these days. New unions, new babies, new jobs, and new lives to be started. As with everything else in life, each of these positive things is attached to a resulting end or negative action. In order to stay happy, we think the positiveness of the new thing outweighs the negativeness of the resulting end.

It is all a matter of perspective. As a society, we put more emphasis on the good and bad events on life when really, they are all the same. We try to think it's good because the nice feelings one feels from such an event is greater than the feelings one feels in conjunction with the bad aspect of the situation. If one feeds into the bad feelings, then the situation or event would be considered bad.

However, people seem to live for the thrills. It's a roller coaster ride and the rushes or high points are the good times and the valleys or low points are the bad. But it's really all just a matter of perspective, because if one thinks of the anticipation occurring when you reach a valley, anticipating the peaks and rushes, it's really not all that bad............ right?

Sometimes our eyes play tricks on us, or perhaps it's our minds, warping our perception......

eNtRoPy & sUbTlY

Life is acts under the rules of entropy and I am one who likes to keep things orderly, together, and unified. It is natural that things are in a constant state of motion, though I find it more closely resembles a roller coaster ride than the shifting sands on a dune. There are abrupt increases and drastic downward shifts. I have still yet to become comfortable in the seat assigned to me. I enjoy a good ride every now and then but when it comes to relationships, I prefer a steady state with gradual changes...

It seems that all I would like, regarding the people in my life, are those who is on-par with me. Those who have similar interests, beliefs, and goals and are working towards making those things happen. However, there is a catch. Even when people are doing so, there is no relevance unless we are active in eachother's lives. What's the point of having "friends" that one does not hear from or see for long periods of time. With distance it becomes harder to keep up a relationship. It no longer becomes a thing of convenience. However, some distances are not too far. Yes it takes a little longer, but is about the same as a drive to work. It becomes painful for an individual, who values that 'friendship', enjoy sharing time, look forward to the conversations, and planned adventures, and would like to continue to see it grow. Therefore, the nonparticipating activity of one party is perceived at hurtful and causes much pain to other individuals.


Some times it simply comes down to letting it go...... even when it is something you highly valued and considered a very precious time in your life.


So, GOOD-BYE!


Thank-you... for the wonderful memories, which bring much sadness, reminding me of what will never be again, and the hurtful feelings of being neglected.

04.05.05
Passing Thoughts

sitting here
basking in the sun,

nowhere to be
nowhere to run.

pondering thoughts
of you and me,

what does the future hold?
what's meant to be?

relationships begin
distance grows,

weight on one's heart strings
or fear of being alone.

time spent together
smiles shared,

time spent alone
many questions appear.

will time tell
or do i know...

my weighted heart
is not its own.

Hmm... so, I seem to go for conservatives.... interestesting. Guess it's fitting for the present. Although, I am not interested in politickin' much, I can see myself getting worked up over something important.

Your dating personality profile: Liberal - Politics matters to you, and you aren't afraid to share your left-leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate. Athletic - Physical fitness is one of your priorities. You find the time to work athletic pursuits into your schedule. You enjoy being active. Sensual - You are not particularly shy when it comes to your sexuality. You know what you like and do not feel inhibited.

Your date match profile: Conservative - Forget liberals, you need a conservative match. Political discussions interest you, and a conservative will offer the viewpoint you need. Athletic - You aren't looking for a couch potato. You seek someone who is active and who keeps his body in top shape. Practical - You are drawn to people who are sensible and smart. Flashy, materialistic people turn you off. You appreciate the simpler side of living.

Your Top Ten Traits 1. Liberal 2. Athletic 3. Sensual 4. Adventurous 5. Outgoing 6. Wealthy/Ambitious 7. Practical 8. Stylish 9. Big-Hearted 10. Intellectual

Your Top Ten Match Traits 1. Conservative 2. Athletic 3. Practical 4. Intellectual 5. Adventurous 6. Big-Hearted 7. Outgoing 8. Stylish 9. Traditional 10. Wealthy/Ambitious

Take the Online Dating Personality Quiz at Dating Diversions

Which one of these is not like the others?

'Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.'

'A nation, like a person, has a mind — a mind that must be kept informed and alert, that must know itself, that understands the hopes and needs of its neighbors — all the other nations that live within the narrowing circle of the world.'

'They misunderestimated me.'

Thanx

Well apparently, I am an Anarchist at heart. Go Figure............

Anarchism		100%
Democrat		83%
Green		83%
Socialist		83%
Communism		67%
Fascism		17%
Nazi		0%
Republican		0%

What Political Party Do Your Beliefs Put You In?
created with QuizFarm.com

mmm..... a tasty treat

fUn iN tHe tEnNeSsEe sUn

Today, I bought my tix for Bonnaroo and am now quite excited! Ah, the freedom plastic brings...... So, this is going to be my first large festival. Aside from a largely disappointing day at the Warped Tour [NOFX was on the ballot to play, but did not make it to that show] and a day at the Suwannee River Music Park, both many moons ago, I have yet to experience the true hippiedom of camping & music in an open field.

The concept was a bit intimidating at first... thousands of people on a farm, what is the environment was distracting from what was important - the music? But then, I thought, why not? I'm going to be going off to start Grad School and may not have the time, company, or financial comfort to attend such an extravagant event. So, out came the plastic and my tix was secured.

Last week, I watched The Motorcycle Diaries and it reinforced the motivation to take a road trip. Something I've been wanting to do for a long time. It appears that this may be the perfect time. A time of transition, a time to move.... forward. Perhaps it is a good time to enjoy some new scenery, meet some new people, and enjoy why this life is worth living.

sCeTtI nIgHt

As I sit here eating the spaghetti I made for dinner, I remember when I was little and hearing my mom say we were going to have spaghetti for dinner. It was the most fabulous idea, very exciting.............. yipee! scetti, yum...

I hardly every eat spaghetti, never order it when I go out to eat, and hardly ever make it. Though I have been making it more lately, a modified version of course. No meat and lots of chunky veggies. Oh, and no spaghetti, it's linguini now.

What happened to those days? Is plain old spaghetti not good enough for me anymore? I don't know. My diet is much different than it used to be. It's as though my perception has changed and I see food in a new light. I mean I have nothing against the food I was raised on, it was the food my mother thought was best for me and it was the way she had been raised.

It seems as though so much has changed in one generation. If I have kids, I feel they would be raised in such a different way. Though the core things would be there, hopefully, like love, support, etc. I just feel like my perspective, the way I approach the world, and my beliefs have diverged greatly from my upbringing.

But there was not a significant world event, or societal change I endured. I was confronted with a few major life events early on but I do not see the correlation between these and my present perspectives. I feel like one of the hippies in the 60's with very conservative parents. Maybe I'm leading my own revolution.... it's just I have yet to figure out what it is.

Why is it that now that I have decided to leave, things seem better and I question my decision? Don't get me wrong, I'm not going back on my decision, I mailed off the acceptance letter today, in fact. There is no going back now.

It must be a change in perspective.... but everything seems better. My job seems more interesting and I've met some really good people, who want to and make time to hang-out, who are interested in the same things, who are stimulating. On top of that, I was offered exactly what I had asked for in grad school and a research project that is perfectly fitting for what I want to do.

It's here.... I'm finally happy!! It took awhile, but it came through. Moving to a new place, exploring, being scared, it sounds wonderful. I'll be leaving wonderful people behind but will be allowing the possibility to meet more. That's right, I'm just a greedy person ; }.

Life's hard... I've become too familiar with running into walls and not getting anywhere that when things actually work out, I don't know what to do.

Sometimes I forget there's always more time.... because this is the first day of my life.

tRaVeLiNg

Traveling is a time of reflection and introspection. Though are senses are pressed with new surroundings we are constantly thinking of the past and comparing with the unfamiliar, trying to find comfort.

Why is comfort so important? Other animals act differently in unfamiliar environments. Security also is a factor in one's comfort level. The unfamiliar pushes one's limits, tests their capabilities. This is at an all time high when one travels alone. There is no one to turn to for advice or to share a smile. It's somewhat lonely but there's a calmness about walking alone. When things are good, there is a peacefulness. Then, there is the possibility of chance meetings. Occurrences that would otherwise not happen because one is preoccupied with their companion.

Traveling alone is an art, as with most things. A balance of openness and defensiveness. Due to regionality, cultural differences appear in personality characteristics. Acceptance and disapproval between people. However, as the changing landscape during a plane flight, the beauty of the differences show. Familiarity can be found through a chance meeting, if the openness is present and one's not too defensive.

solitary travel

fOrEcAsT

Thursday

Mar 24, 2005

Personal
Responsibilities can control you at this time, and certain needs require attention, especially family or personal matters. You are more selective of what you do and whom you see, and you may prefer being alone now-or circumstances can demand it. You tend to take things seriously, and a negative outlook is common if things are too demanding. Focusing on one thing at a time helps to maintain order.

Love
It’s a slow time where you can experience the weight of a relationship, and the fun is sometimes missing. You respond best to a partner when you feel secure, and your comfort range is limited to the familiar rather than to anything new. You are less likely to get out now since you may need to be alone, but if you do, you often are preoccupied, making it difficult to give.

Money

You are averse to taking risks now because you are more comfortable staying within the limits of what you know works. This is favorable for putting in your time and for implementing new strategies designed to conserve and to save money. You tend to assess realistically whatever is before you. Delays in business dealings sometimes occur now which is frustrating. Use the downtime to make necessary adjustments to ensure future success.

iT's oFfIciAl

Come June, I will be living in Greenville, North Carolina. I'm still getting comfortable with the idea. Don't get me wrong, Im excited about it and all but I'm also pretty scared. However, I have chosen to focus on the more positive side of the whole thing and deal with the negative things when they arise. It's a new system I'm working on.... I'll let ya know how it goes.

Why am I moving north??? That is a question I keep asking myself as well, but I think it is the best thing for me at the moment. I'll be starting a Geology Master's program there and the project I'll be working on could not be more perfect, unless it involved lots of field work.

While we were visiting, Matthew took a few pictures and checked out the area for me. I'll be going back up to secure an apartment sometime in the near future. That means more pictures!!

Our Youth

caged animals...

For Julie's birthday, she had oysters and then we made s'mores with the kids. It was nice. The kids had a lot of fun, learning how to shuck oysters and playing with gooey marshmellows.

oysters and s'mores

... beInG iN tRaNsItiOn

How can one receive everything they've asked for and still not be happy... or accepting of it? And even better, be upset and unhappy?

What's wrong?

Feelings of abandonment. Overwhelmingly surrounding. A pain so strong, moving past it seems impossible.

Breathe...

With each breath the hurt fluctuates. Like a roller coaster ride, sitting blind-folded, I wait for the next drop.

Shifts.

Changes occur, providing growth. Forward movement saddens the soul. To leave behind the happiness for the unknown.

Fearful thoughts...

Thoughts of the unknown bring fear to my mind. A scared little girl curled up inside. Scared of the unknown; scared to be alone.

Everyday is a day that I can say

I keep my head above the waves

Fear is an intense, strong, inhibiting, motivating force. Being in control of my feelings and capabilities to function simultaneously is something I have yet to master. During younger days, many of my friends were highly emotional beings and I never understood why daily functions were such a struggle. Now that I have worked to unleashed the deep emotions encased within, I am realizing it is quite a feat. It is a struggle to not allow those emotions to overwhelm you, like an internal struggle. To allow them to be present and express themselves and at the same time carry on with obligations and daily duties.

In dealing with this pinnacle point in my life, fear is peeking out and wanting to perform.

Fear of change

Fear of being hurt

Fear of making mistakes

Fear of repeating mistakes

It is fed more easily than other emotions or forces and somewhat impossible to ignore. Unlike other emotions, fear is not something one can be with and work through, or at least I have yet o do so. So, instead I try to focus on the positive and like an unruly child in today's society, I acknowledge it's presence but pay it no mind. With time, unlike an unruly child, the fear will pass, and I will see there was no reason to feed such a thing.

... tick .... tick ... tick .... tick

So, I'm sitting here, at work, thinking about the future... something I think too much about. Granted I'm not thinking years down the road, just a few weeks, but none the less my brain feels as though it's at max. capacity.

This whole graduate school thing, I thought was supposed to be nice and simple, like undergrad. You apply, if you have good grades, you get in... 'nough said. Oh, but that is not the way it works, see. One must obtain an overwhelming amount of money, after paying for undergraduate school, because the cost of school is much more expensive. Thankfully, in science and some other concentrations, one can get funded to go to graduate school. Their education is taken care of and they are given a measly stipend in which to live on.

As before, I thought this was attainable by getting good grades and applying ones self. But oh no.... there are hidden requirement specific to each school. Sometimes, my pessimistic attitude gets the best of me and the train of thought scampering down the 'why bother' path, takes hold. It seems like it's been too hard and I have had to put forth too much nrg to get this far. I do not want to walk away,but it makes me wonder, 'when is it too much, when does one reach the threshold of applying too much nrg?'

So, I have initiated the graduate school process... it is time to see what the universe thinks about my suggestion.

... tick .... tick ... tick .... tick ...

Last night I went and saw Finding Neverland at the Hippodrome, my favorite movie house. It was a delightful film... sweet, compassionate, sad, and happy. There were a few instances I found myself a bit teary-eyed, in a good way. I had been looking forward to seeing the film and was pleased to learn it was going to be showing at the Hippodrome. So, I waited a few weeks after the film had released to the mainstream theatres.

Making my way downtown, in the cold dreary weather, I purchased my ticket at the box office and settled into the old comfy rocking movie theatre seats at the Hippodrome, anxiously awaiting the journey to be had. On of the reasons I enjoy seeing films at the Hippodrome is because it is a small theatre and it feels as though the people in the theatre are having the experience together, as though there is some kind of camaraderie between the viewers. After the brief announcement by the film staff, asking everyone to please turn of their pagers and or cell phones, the previews begin. This is generally the time when trailers of future films and or plays are shown.

The trailer for Hotel Rwanda was ran this time. I saw this film at one of the mainstream theatres, here in town, a few weeks ago, because I did not know it was going to be showing at the Hippodrome. It was a very good film. The content was very heavy but I felt the film portrayed the weight of the subject matter without being gory or using shocking scenes. Hotel Rwanda did a phenomenal job displaying the horrific acts that occurred in Rwanda between the Hutu and the Tutsi tribes.

Then, Finding Neverland began... I will not go into detail about the film, you should experience that for yourself. It was a pleasant journey for me and I hope you enjoy it as well.

wHeRe mY bEaUtY lIeS......

Your beauty lies in Nature. Down to earth, laid back and a natural beauty. You have no need for make-up or accessories that most others do. In fact you most likely find them a nuisance. You are probably a little tom-boyish in your jeans and tees with a great love for nature. You probably know more about plants and animals than most people and you'd rather spend your times outdoors and in the sun, independent and free. You can be a bit distant with people, preferring the company of animals over people, which isn't always the best thing. You can be kind and sweet, but not many see that side of you as you often have misunderstandings with people. You are very go-with-the-flow sort of person and usually try to avoid fights even if it means changing your opinion or belief. Still, you are you look your best actually without make-up and in casual clothes. Very few can say that. Be proud.

Element: Earth, Wind

Animal: Horse

Color: Green, Purple, Earth Tones

Song: The Memory Of Trees by Enya

Expression: Cool Smile

Gemstone: Emerald

Mythological Creature: Fairy, Elf

Planet: Earth

Hair Color: Brown

Eye Color: Bright Green

click here to see where your beauty lies.

rAiNy dAzE

The rain came down with varying intensity that day. Gazing out the window, following the movement of hydrogen and oxygen molecules, I watched the trees... weighed down by accumulated water droplets, singing with happiness as they cowered, with the weight of their existence. Each gust of air offered more water to the ground below, not yet saturated by the drizzling rains.

If one could follow the travels of a droplet of water, where would it take us?