Movie madness

Lately, I have been almost to the point of obsessed with the Richard Linklater films, Before Sunrise and Before Sunset. I am not normally so not care much for the romantic mooshie movies and perhaps it is my current heart broken state that is reinforcing such entertainment, but I have watched those movies repeatedly in the past week.

I had seen Before Sunset previously and enjoyed it, but not enough to watch it over again. However, for some reason it seems to encompass something familiar and perhaps hopeful. Although I cannot identify with either one of the characters fully, there is something about each of them that I see within myself. The pain that they each endured over the years they were apart, finally to be reunited.

I know it's a sappy love story and maybe I am projecting too much of my life on a fictional story or I am hoping my reality mimics that which is carried out on screen. Who knows, all I know is that even though I am sad when either one of the films end, it leaves me with something hopeful.

They are a good watch. Kinda slow, only two characters, played by Ethan Hawk and Julie Delpy. It is the realisticness of it that keeps me coming back.

I feel drawn to my blog today, as if there is something I want to express. Yet, every time I come.... there is nothing to be said. It is as though there is something trying to get out, it just is not quite ready, like a small child looking into a swimming pool who wants to jump in, but just cannot make himself do it. I do not know where the restraint comes from or what it is that is trying to be released, but I feel as though I am waiting for for someone to open the dam and let the water run free. Perhaps it is I who will trigger the release, just not now.

Maybe it is part of what is to come this summer. I have been feeling as though something good is going to happen. I do not know if this because I desperately need the positiveness in my life or because something truely grand is going to occur. Maybe it is a desperate attempt to turn my hopes into reality because I cannot handle anymore sh*t, but I would like to think more of the later in that I am anticipating what has yet to occur.

Regardless, what is, is and what will be, will be. More than anything I hope that I make choices I will not later regret, cause as little pain and disruption on others as possible, become closer to those I care about, who feel so far away, and am open to all that is to come without a bittered perspective from unrelated baggage.

Fortune

Strong and bitter words indicate a weak cause.

Wetlands controversy

Listening to NPR this morning, they were discussing the cause of wetlands degeneration in Louisiana. Scientists have deduced that the oil and gas industry are the culprits because they dug canals that essentially killed the wetlands, but they were dug decades ago legally. Although the wetlands were identified by the Army Core of Engineers as important ecologically and financially.

So, the blame to placed on the oil and gas industry and the bill to replenish the wetlands is being placed on them. These wetlands protect the Louisiana coastline and there are oil and gas pipes within the coastline. The loss of these coastlines will not only lead to increased damaged along the coastline, but also disrupt the oil and gas production, if the pipes were damaged.

Who will foot the bill? Perhaps instead of trying to manipulate the coastline yet again, we should let it regenerate on its own. Yes, this may cause damage from high energy storms, but let the oil and gas industry be responsibly for their pipes and let the coastline naturally regenerate. Filling in the canals would aid in the wetlands regeneration, but may not be cost effective.

Ah... the relief starts to percolate and settles in as her muscles, tight from stress and anxiety for the past few months, begin to relax. The relaxation is almost trance-like and she feels on the verge of slumber, a slight sleepiness glazes over her eyes.

She is relieved, the termination of a hectic and stressful time, but hesitant to begin what is now necessary. It was the end of a new beginning and she feels exhausted, drained from the process. Emotional and physical stress, her body does not deal well... and the result is utter exhaustion.

However, the tasks do not subside and in order to achieve that which she desires most, time with those she loves, she must continue on. Desiring to escape, she thinks of the future and what has yet to come.

A response to questions unasked

A day to day conversation of common small talk is not something I am able to afford you. The pain you have caused now runs deep and is not due solely to our break up. Being ostracized, as I have conveyed multiple times, is an extremely hurtful action, especially under the conditions with which your friendship was needed.

If you do not want to cause pain, then why do you? It is not necessary, just as the false proclamations of affection that once flowed freely from your lips. I denounce them as false, because it is the only way you could move so easily on.

Perhaps we should take a step back. What is your definition of a friend and why now is it important to you?

The truth is that we are all potential fossils still carrying within our bodies the crudities of former existences, the marks of a world in which living creatures flow with little more consistency than clouds from age to age.

~Loren Eiseley

Truth, more painful than fiction

and soon you will be gone, disappeared, leaving a meandering path of lies. no phone, no email, a connection lost. words trusted, words of love, a meaning skewed, foreign to the lips from which they come. for if the words were true then truth would be said, but as it stands, the foundation built is crumbled, built on lies. for lies are weak, and from weakness they come, leaving bitter distaste, and unresolved emotions.

how can something beautiful turn odium?

move on your merry way, leaving hearts bandaged, spit out by the same lips which were once so sweet, and held such joy, which now spew sewage, contaminating those within range.

the joy you once brought and the moments shared, are now tattered illusions of what was once real. A flawed fantasy, for it simply bides time, goals and aspirations unmet, the used cast aside.

a means to an end and nothing more?

Late night

Papers to edit, things to do and I bake. What more could one want to do when stressed and not caring. My adviser sat down next to me at a seminar today and I was pleased b/c I never see him and I thought it would be nice to chat. However, shortly after sitting down he asks about the project and what I'm doing and I started to get nervous b/c it didn't seem like I was giving him the answer he wanted. Not what I was expecting, not enjoyable.

On the brighter side, Katye is coming to visit on Friday for the weekend. It will be nice to see her. It's been almost a year, yet it seems like yesterday we were hanging out at Brian's talking about life, the universe, and everything. It was nice to be distracted and get to plan a get-a-way for the weekend. Friends are what make each day worth while.

Sorrow of today and tomorrow

The weather coincides with her emotions as the rain drops like tears from the clouds, but unlike the clouds, her sorrow lingers. Overcast clouds dim the sky a dull grey as the green leaves dance intercepting the drops of falling water.

How can something once so beautiful be cast away unwanted and unloved? Like any living thing this has an impact, impacting a weak being already struggling to keep going, although she no longer wants to....

but time continues to pass and she hear the voices of others, saying time will ease the pain, but all she knows id that time keeps passing and things just become more complex. If she could only walk away... but where would she go? It is going to follow her now, no matter where she is.

Why look to that which hurt her, for he said he cared. A friend, that is what he said, requesting to stay in her life. Will she ever learn, that his words have no validity, for his actions do not display the same sentiment. Perhaps eventually, she will move forward and stop moving in circles. For it is a familiar pattern, tat he initiated and she followed.

When will she not feel like the victim? Soon, she hopes... when she finds the answer she feels she so desperately needs.

The air is feeling a bit warmer

Today was the first day that actually felt like spring. Although it is the middle og April and warm weather should have coome sooner, in my humble opinion, the winter weather has been slow to leave. The weekend forecast looks promising and I am eager to go for a mountain ride... if all goes well. It seems like the best reasont o take a break of work.

So, with spring inthe air, I took a few pix of the flowers. The african violet I bought shortly after moving to Greenville has finally started to flower. I was so excited to see the delicate shoots emerging from under the velvety leaves a few weeks ago. They have finally made it all the way out and are bring much needed joy and happiness to the apartment.

Outside the landlord came a few weeks ago and mowed the chaotic mixture of grass and weeds. It made the yard too so much larger, for some reason. In appreciating the sun and warmer weather this morning, I noticed these little yellow flowers that have emerged from the sparsely vegetated ground. They were each unique and so happy, I had to include them as well. As spring moves forward and the sun's warmth generates more flowering, I hope to share those moments with you as well.

Broken

What is it that makes life so hard? It seems that as we age, things become more and more hard.... it makes it difficult to enjoy the good times that briefly occur sporadically. Instead of the fit hitting the shan on those rare occasions, I feel like I'm being pelted continuously.

It seems like a reciprocal relationship... as our health deleteriously decreases with age, we have to deal with combating larger and larger obstacles. Should we have not done this when we were younger and more resilient? Because I feel like I'm trying to be broken.... and truthfully, I could give a sh*t as to endure it.

What's it all for? No matter if one takes the to research and consciously try to make good decisions, they get f*cked! I don't get it. I'm not trying to play the martyr here.... I just don't get it.

I just feel like I've put up a good and I don't think I have the motivation to endure much more. Truthfully, I don't really think it makes a f*cking difference.

Ecological intricacies and their understanding is important to the welfare of both humans and the earth.

Circularity of life's emotions

She stares, as her mind wanders, all the while trying not to think. Surrounded by a field of wild flowers, her sorrow keeps her from enjoying the moment. This moment like other will pass, yet the sorrow does not diminish.

In class, her professors talk, but she fails to hear them. She is consumed by all that she cannot change, a life half lived with no motivation to continue.

Has she lost hope? For she feels hopeless, as though there us no point in living. Like a molecule of water being moved in the circular motion as a wave approaches shore, never moving close, just returning to the same place.

Researching on the water

Watching the sunrise this morning was so beautiful, coming back into port was a sad moment. The past four days being out at sea on a research cruise was wonderful and surprisingly, it wasn't because I learned a great deal; it was simply because we were out on the water.

It was an educational experience and there were a few new faces, which is always nice. We worked hour shifts and there were three shifts per day. I worked the 8 p.m. to 4 a.m. During the cruise we were collecting data using a side-scan sonar multibeam system and chirp, mapping the seafloor bottom and sediments underlying it. Additionally, we collected some water samples at varying depths using a CTD, which holds cartridges that are fired off at varying depths and collect conductivity, temperature, and depth readings.

Being surrounded by water, watching the sun rise and set, felt so right. Making coming back feel so sad. It was a wonderful experience and I'm very happy to have been able to participate. I hope another experience comes along soon.

Between sunrise and sunset, what have you done?

The stress of surviving often clouds the act of living. I have posted on the difference between surviving and living before and yet again, it comes 'round. As the years pass and I become more aware that I am not just an adult but am immersed in adulthood, I question what that means and why the turbulent times seem to be harder to deal with.

Are they becoming more strenuous or am I simply becoming less equipped to deal? Logically it seems over the years and events that roll in and through, one would become more accustomed to dealing with life's ups and downs, but for some reason, that doesn't seem to be the case lately. I want to settle on the events are getting harder.

If that is the case, when do we hit the threshold... the learning curve. Don't get me wrong, I love to learn and grow, but sometimes, when it comes to emotional bullsh*t a person can only take so much. It explains why people are so hard and bittered. Then there are those who have just given up and operate in a blissful existence. How do they not care? How can one live within a society and not be affected by it? This is a topic that I have yet to understand.

How does one live in society, but not be apart of it? It seems against human nature. Humans are social animals. I feel I am diverging from the topic at hand, which occurs quite frequently. So in returning to the topic I ask, as we get older is life about making it thru a day at work, looking to the future for satisfaction, and hoping that you are the one that is not diagnosed with cancer?

Because if that is the case, I'd rather exit now. I tell myself it's not, but sometimes when I stop and think about it, I wonder if it's a lie. I do believe life is a matter of perception and I try to look on the positive side; that seems to begetting smaller and smaller as my time here becomes longer.

I wish this time would pass.

However, there is too much to get accomplished in the meantime. I just wish I could get outa this funk. I feel like I'm sad and depressed and bringing others down. Don't blame them, I wouldn't want to be around me right now.

Just don't get it. I keep trying to tell myself it's b/c I need to get away and I haven't done so in a long time. But, I do not think that encompasses the melancholy state I'm in. Whatever it is, it needs to go. This is the 21st century, people don't have time for that kinda sh*t. We have things to do and tasks to be stressed about... I mean, really!

So,there is no specific point to this post, perhaps it is a cry for help. At this point I think the only thing that will help me is time. More of it and for it to go by quicker would be a nice start.

Hell, I'm going to be 27 this year and don't have a clue as to what I'm doing... how's that for uplifting. Yeah, I got a ton of them.

Thoughts of your well being

To hear your voice
and know you're well
would settle my nerves
put my mind at ease.

Hearing ventures
with other girls
stifles breath
and pains my heart.

That time will come
and sad I'll be
but it is better now
to be free.

The road is harder
without support
and your kind eyes
to lift me up.

Your embrace
I will miss
the safety of your arms
from all that is wrong.

I wish you the best
and hope time will heal
the pain and loss
of one's first love.

Costly coats

So, I just bought a winter coat and boy was it pricey; it was even marked down 40%. I've been looking for awhile now and thought I would catch the after winter sales. However, one must be more on top of things aparently, b/c not everyone marks their stuff down at the same time and I was finding I had waited too long. Thankfully, when I went to buy ear plugs at Overton's, an outdoorish type store in town, I rechecked their sale rack and found one that fit ok and had a feece/down jacket layer that can also be worn separately, which was what I have been looking for. It was $$$ though. I can't imagine growing up in the north and/or having to buy coats for kids, who outgrow them every year.... that would be horrible. It's not a nice jacket, in that I couldn't wear it to a dinner party, but I'm hoping to get a lot of use out of it in the future.

So, after a break up... when does one's life become theirs again?

It seems like it would be easier considering it was a long distance relationship and perhaps it is but where ever I go I am haunted by memories. Being that we were not able to spend much time together, granted there are not very many memories... yet it makes me wonder if I want to include someone in my life... to only be haunted by those instances later.

Perhaps I sound a bit bitter, after all the topic of this post does not represent the various feelings I have concerning the relationship nor the break-up. However, I can't help but keep thinking about it... being that I cannot focus on what I need to be focusing on, hell I have all the time in the world to entertain such thoughts.

I mean, let's put aside the fact that even though I feel like I'm eighteen, I am going to be 27 this year and like an eighteen year old, I have no idea what the f*ck I want to do. Granted the years have supplied me with some ideas, but as for what is realistic... dunno.

When I was younger, I wanted to have kids young and perhaps that was because it was all knew at the time, but now everyone seems to be having kids left and right and I so do not feel compelled to have one. At this point in my life, I could not be a good mother... I don't even have enough time for Karza, and she doesn't need a lot of attention. Regardless, I'm pretty indifferent when it comes to having kids and as for right now, it's not like I'm with someone I'm dying to procreate with.

Which brings me back to my topic for this post. How do you get over a break-up? I missed those introduction sessions highschool and thought it was a good thing I didn't waste my time getting my heart broken when I really didn't know what the hell was going on. However, if I had entertained those things... would it make this all easier?

It doesn't really matter b/c things are as they are. What I want to do is sit with it and work through it. Not dwell, per se, but allow myself to be upset and so then when a memory hits, for instance as I'm walking out of the movie theatre of when 'we' went to see a film, I won't be on the verge of breaking down. Sh*t! I wore a t-shirt the other day with a smiley sunshine on it, to make me happy, and when someone commented on it, it was I could do to walk out of the room with out sobbing. That isn't healthy!?!

It's coming to the point where I'm starting to get frustrated with myself, b/c I'm not getting things done and that just isn't what I need right now. Although, I guess there never really is a good time to break-up. Some may be better than others, but this would have suxed regardless. I think I'm doing a good job at accepting it, better than before and maybe that's why... I've had practice, but not quite enough.

I guess what bothers me is that I want to include others in my life, but when it comes to romantic relationships, it's like it has this negative component that is absent with other relationships. Because when you are to break-up, those memories still linger forcing you see that you have failed. That even though you tried and tried, it wasn't enough and the result is the loss of that person.

That is what gets me the most.

I have noticed in my life that all men have a liking for some special animal, tree, plant, or spot of earth. If men would pay more attention to these preferences they might have dreams that would purify their lives. Let a man decide upon his favorite and make a study of it.

- Frances Densmore
Teton Sioux Music, 1918

What is age
but additional knowledge?

What is time
but an infinite measurement?

What is work
but exerted effort?

What is today
but a day without you?

Non-ignorant thought

Staying focused,
feeling strong,
working towards that-
which we don't belong.

Efforts and stress,
exerted with pain
for a greater good
with little fame.

For the health of the earth
and the health of its beings
each day's endured
and work is done.

Is it in vanity
or work in vain?
As the earth slowly creeps
and is more dismal each day.

Inanimate beauty

Silence and snow

Last night the temperature was expected to drop below freezing and the residents around here were full of excitement with the thought of snow. Being a native Floridian, it's hard to look past the fact it's just too cold to anticipate snow, especially since I have yet to see it.

Last Sunday, there were snow flurries that stayed intact but did not collect in bulk on the ground. It was beautiful to watch them move. There was this silence, peculiar to one who is accustomed to the variety of music that rain plays as it dances from the sky to the ground. The snow however, had no sound. It was a bit hard to accept... seeing these white clods of frozen water and other particulate matter moving about, but creating no noise.... silence. It made me realize how much I enjoyed and took for granted the wonderful sounds of rain.

I have always enjoyed the rains and love to watch the water flow. I get a kick out of watching it move and flow, how it interacts with barriers and carries material. Sometimes, I wish I could do it all day. Perhaps that is why I love the ocean so and can watch and listen to the waves rise and fall. Imagine the ocean without sound. That would be a cruel joke to play on someone. It also makes me feel for those who are not capable of enjoying the symphony of sounds. I like to hone in on one particular sound and then slowly bring myself into the grand concert by noticing adjoining sounds, slowly adding them, until a blissful symphony engulfs me.

However, I originally started this blog entry to say that when I awoke this morning the residents anticipation had been met. There was snow sitting and waiting to be noticed. Unfortunately, I was late rising this morning and did not witness the falling of the snow. As of now, it disappearing... quickly. It was just a preview of what is to come. In joining the others, I anxiously await its return. Perhaps I'll be able to touch it and make a snowball this year!

Rant for the semester... to be repeated

Over the course of time I have dedicated and wasted to the most ridiculous class of the semester, I have learned about Glacier Bay National Park, a lot of government agencies that manage public lands, and Glen Canyon Dam. However, I have yet to learn anything useful about writing. Oh, I take that back I did learn one thing. Last night I learned that you do not hyphenate 'like' words unless there are 3 Ls in a row. However, I have spent a multitude of days working on these papers and have yet to learn anything about how to properly edit them, go about composing them, or effectively deliver the information.

It is just a crude reminder of useless ineffective hurdles one is required to fulfill. For some reason, I thought I was beyond that...not above it, just beyond it!

During a seminar course this morning I found myself asking question after question. Not that this is something new, however after the class, I asked the professor, also being one of my advisors , if I had been asking too many questions and diverting the conversation. Posed with this question, he gallantly answered "no, you are a skeptic... and I should be able to inform you..." Hearing the word skeptic somewhat offended me, but I tried to think about it more logically, replying "I see myself more as simply trying to rationalize the the use of the topic."

As I proceeded onto my next course, in which I am one of the few students voicing my 'skepticism', I recalled how at a young age I continuously inquired, trying to understand the world around me and posing question after question to my peers. Although this was often not welcomed and eventually conditioned me to limit my inquiries, it was also the main reason I entered into the field of science. It is here that questions spur research and they are the foundation of the scientific community.

Therefore, as the second course ended and I had asked many more questions, I realized.... I am a scientist, perhaps not a geologist, but one who is looking for answers. Answers to understand the world around me and ultimately to be used to help decrease the strain and negative impacts on the earth we are all apart of.... and I will not stop until they have all been answered!

The St. Augustine News

And what does a concerned children's story book author do to protest child pornography????

Why he dresses up in a tiger suite, breaks into the St. Augustine Lighthouse, but leaves a note, and responsibly climbs to the top with a flag blazing Myduke (the name of the tiger in his children's story).

What does pornography have to do with any of it?

Ah...and it makes so much sense....

According to ever wise myspace postings, the day of my birth designates my tree to be a lime tree.

meaning....

Lime Tree (Doubt) - intelligent, hard working, accepts what life
dishes out, but not before trying to change bad circumstances into
good ones, hates fighting and stress, enjoys getaway vacations, may appear tough, but is actually soft and relenting, always willing to make sacrifices for family and friends, has many talents but not always enough time to use them, can become a complainer, great leadership qualities, is jealous at times but extremely loyal.

If only I knew this long ago, life would have made been so much easier....

Film frenzy

Lately, I have been escaping into films. Though this is not uncommon for me, it was how I chose to spend my free time, visiting the Hippodrome weekly in Gainesville, before moving up here to North Carolina. However, after relocating and sadly finding there was no art house or local theatre playing foreign and or non-mainstream films, I turned my attentions elsewhere when free of work and class obligations.

Recently, even though I have not had the luxury of free time, I have been escaping to the theatre on campus that shows two movies changing them each week. Generally, the films include one blockbuster and one less mainstream. This is where I saw the film 'Junebug' that I reviewed on the movie blog I contribute to, which is listed under my blogworthiness links. Even if it was not a movie I had been wanting to see but was unable to afford a tix at the local cash only, no student discount theatre here in town, it is a nice break that I would otherwise waste on non-efficient activities.

The recent films have been well chosen; I must give props to whomever is picking them out. The film 'Junebug' was thought provoking. It was very well done. I had not seen anything the director had done before but I was impressed with his representation of the story. It was an interesting storyline as well and the acting was well performed. Though it seemed so simple, it was a very intricate lending to a variety of unspoken topics and perspectives that could be expanded upon.

This past weekend, 'Stay' was showing at the theatre, in addition to the blockbuster 'Saw II'. I saw 'Saw' and thought it was good, plot wise, but too gory and the director did not expand represent it as well as it could have been shown. Needless to say, I was not interested in seeing 'Saw II,' but decided to check out 'Stay'. After looking it up on IMDB, I was excited to see that Ryan Gosling was in it. I have only seen him in 'The United States of Leland,' which was a good film; so good that I had to buy it. I enjoyed his acting in that film and was interested to see how well of an actor he was and have been looking to see him in something new. Additionally, Ewan McGregor, who I first saw in 'Moulin Rouge' and have enjoyed his later performances, including the young Ed Blum in 'Big Fish,' is also in the film. Naomi Watts is also in the film, but she seems to play similar characters or she seems to play her characters similarly, in my opinion; however, I have not been following her career.

Getting back to the movie 'Stay'; my overall opinion was that it was good. I would give it a 4 out of 5. The film was well acted, the cinematography was good with some interesting shots, and the story was interesting.. leaving one something to ponder as they left the theatre; however, there seemed to be something missing... something more that didn't have to be there but could have been. What is it that I am speaking of? I'm not sure at the moment, I'm still trying to figure it out. The film was well done and effective, but I guess the message it was trying to get across didn't seem as heavy or significant as it could of been. I did feel the film tried something new and was not a trite story or reliance of one, which always a pleasure.

I would not say it is a must see, but it is an enjoyable watch. Something nice to watch to get one's mind thinking about something different for a change.

With Arms Outstretched

Its 16 miles, to the promise land
and I promise you, I'm doing the best I can
now don't fool yourself
in thinking you're more than a man
cause you'll probably end up dead

i visit these
mountains with frequency
and i stand here with my arms out
now somedays they'll last longer than others
but this day by the lake went too fast

and if you want me
you better speak up i won't wait
so you better, move fast

don't fool yourself
in thinking you're more than you are
with your arms outstretched to me

now its 16 miles to the promised land
and i promise you i'm doing the best i can
now somedays they last longer than others
but this day by the lake went to fast

and if you want me, you better speak up i won't wait
so you better move fast

and somedays they last longer than others
but this day by the lake went to fast
and if you want me, you better speak up i wont wait
so you better move fast

- Rilo Kiley

Simple saturdays

Yet another day is coming to a close.

The wind roars outside, mimicking the sound of the ocean as I can't quite recall the last time I was within its vast greatness.

Darkness has come, outside the small apartment window and the light inside does not allow me to witness the trees bashed by the roaring wind, disguised as ocean waves to my wishful ears.

The sweet melody of Rilo Kiley plays on the stereo accompanied by her cynical lyrics, delivered with a soft light voice slightly jaded by life.

Partial satisfaction of work accomplished while ignoring all that is still to be done. A few more hours will lend to greater satisfaction....

and a life less lived, by one's perception.

It's only temporary... the words run through my head. Perhaps if I keep hearing it I will one day listen, and accept that more is yet to come.

Though more is not necessary, we look forward... yearning for it... effortlessly working harder to achieve it, though what it is, we do not know.... exactly.

Now is nice. More experiences would be nice, but less things. Less hoops to jump through and less busy work. Additional experiences to broaden my thirsty perspective, anxiously waiting to be pushed, pulled, and expanded.

Will tomorrow be the same? Hopefully not....

Rilo Kiley
The Execution of All Things

soldiers come quickly, i feel the earth beneath my feet.
i’m feeling badly, it’s not an attempt at decency.
and if you’re well off, well then i’m happy some for you.
but i’d rather not celebrate my defeat and humiliation here with you.

someone come quickly, this place was built for moving out.
leave behind buildings, the city planners got mapped out.
bring with you history, and make your hard earned feast.
then we’ll go to omaha to work and exploit the booming music scene and humility.
and we’ve been talking all night….

oh god come quickly, the execution of all things.
let’s start with the bears and the air and mountains, rivers, and streams.
then we’ll murder what matters to you and move on to your neighbors and kids.
crush all hopes of happiness with disease ‘cause of what you did.
and lastly, you’re all alone with nothing left but sleep.

but sleep never comes to you, it’s just the guilt and forever wakefulness of the weak.
it’s just you and me….

the execution of all things.
the execution of all things.
the execution of all things.

A sorry state of affairs

I have to give to the people at jib jab. They have done it again. Many people, including myself, first heard about them during the last election. During a time when opinions were rising and propaganda was so thick you could almost not breath, jib jab came out with a cartoon displaying both parties negative and positive traits. Over the past years, Bush's exploitation of the distinguished presidential position has given the people at jib jab oodles of material to work with. This has culminated in their newest cartoon musical: 2-0-5 Year End Round Up!

A bit cheesy, but a little cheese is nice every now and then... especially with a glass of wine

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

As a teapot runs out of steam, I too have fizzled out. Sometimes, I think I can look at life as a series of frustrations, but then I realize... that is not the perspective with which I would view the world.

Focus on the pleasures, what makes you happy, but also come with consequences. When I think about it, life is composed of struggles trying to balance the things that life is worth living for with the daily trials of work and b*llsh*t. That is saddening. Maybe that is why people have kids.. to bring light and the wonder they have lost through years of societal persecution.

Personally, I feel that's a selfish act.

However, this post was not intended to be of such a negative nature. I have noticed, in the worked-up states I have been in lately, how calm, caring, and patient others are. I feel like I'm strung too tightly about to explode and I see the opposite looking back at me. I know that state, I've been there before... but it seems so distant.

The lifestyle I work towards and the goals of my existence are those of calm, low stress, patience, and awareness. Somehow, I seem to be moving away from that and I don't quite know how. Perhaps, this is a time of reflection. Unfortunately, time is in demand more than it's supplied. Imagine how expensive time would be if it was a commodity. Isn't it a bit ironic then that the wetly are those with more time to do their wills than the lower class with no free time, working themselves to death.

Thoughts are like a ground covering plant, with a strong conducive surface, high grade input for growth, and room to flourish, they will growth and change before your eyes.

Just another day...

Another day in the field. This time the weather was wonderful... The morning was foggy and as the sun rose, the fog set in more. We had to stop at the Golden Arches to wait out the fog. The day was filed with visits to two sites along the southern tributaries of the Neuse Estuary. Unfortunately, there was not much to be done on my part and I felt as though my presence was not was not needed. Like all days, it came to an end and though I was frustrated,it was an interesting outing. We saw some interesting outcropping and even came across a million year old tree, uncovered by erosion.

And so the downward spiral begins....

Yesterday seemed quite pleasant and ended as such, however, today has started off negatively and I am desperately trying to get over the hurdle. The primary bother at the moment is Greenville, the place I now call home. It is beginning to grate on my nerves. There are positive aspects to the town, it is small and the people are friendly. Everything is beginning to be a pain in the ass! This town, though consisting of environmentally friendly people, does not exhibit those values... and it's really starting to piss me off.

For instance, I walked over to a coffee stand in the library to get some coffee in one of the various mugs that I use and after asking about the price, being referred to a menu on a near-by wall, then waiting in line, and placing my order, I am told hat they are not allowed to put coffee into anything other than their own paper cups. At this point I'm already frustrated and just want to et the coffee and get back to work, but instead I said not thanks and snatch my cup up of the counter and walked out fuming, trying not to slam the heavy library doors.

There is one bike lane in town spanning a whole 3 block distance and then disappears as mysteriously as it reappears. Karza and I almost were run over yesterday when we were traveling on the side walk (because we were traveling on the side of the road with oncoming traffic). The road intersections do not have crosswalk and in the pedestrian crossing areas, the vehicles do not yield to let pedestrians pass.

Basically if you are not driving a gas guzzling vehicle in this town, you are not observed or acknowledged.

Greenville is the epitome of consumerism at it's best and the throw-away society marketing and capitalism has created.

It saddens me to be such a place and apart of such a country. A country where in reviewing a person to serve on a high court they are able to not answer direct questions. Why would they not answer them, because their answers would not be welcomed by those making the decisions to appoint him. How is that not deceitful?

The semester has started off well. I am not excited about my classes; however, everything else seems to be working out well. For starters, yesterday, I ventured over to Raleigh for work and even though I did not get any work accomplished, due to technical difficulties, I had a very pleasant visit.

Moving up to a place where I did not know anyone, I have found myself lacking in social interaction. Though I enjoy and require personal time, interaction with other people is necessary. Humans are social animals and would not survive without the assistance from others; it is necessary not only for your physical survival, but also for our mental growth.

Lately, I have found myself concentrating and overwhelmed with classes and work resulting in social interaction being pushed to the side. Regardless to say, the visit to Raleigh made me realize that. Additionally, the excursion reinstated that I am capable of easily interacting with others, a learned behavior I thought I was loosing.

What I Am

I'm not aware of too many things,
I know what I know if you know what I mean.
Philosophy is the talk on a cereal box.
Religion is the smile on a dog.

Pulling into the Barnes & Nobles parking lot the Edie Brickell & The New Bohemians song 'What I Am' was playing on the radio. Without knowing it, I was singing along to the music and enjoying the familiarity of the song, though I could not exactly remember a particular time and/or place in which I listened to it.

I'm not aware of too many things,
I know what I know if you know what I mean.
Choke me in the shallow water
Before I get too deep.

As I noticed that I was not singing along with the appropriate lyrics, I began to listen more intently to them and my appreciation for this forgotten song rose. I remembered enjoying the song when I was younger, though in listening to it again, I do not understand how. The song seemed more pertinent to the present and I embraced how relevant the lyrics were to my current life position. However, in retrospect, it was probably the attitude the song projects that I enjoyed at ayounger age and strived to relate with.

What I am is what I am.
Are you what you are - or what?

However, as I listened more closely, the music, behind the words sounded stronger in the song and I realized it was the music I was enjoying more. Like movies and sometimes books, the growth and changes one endures in life are revealed when we revisit things we perceived once before. For we are able to re-perceive them again and see how much we've grown.

I'm not aware of too many things,
I know what I know if you know what I mean.
Philosophy is a walk on the slippery rocks.
Religion is a light in the fog.

I think I am going to have to buy this 1989 album, made when I was a mere ten years of age. An age in which my life my undergoing drastic changes.

A cold day in the marsh and another around the bend.

This past Friday, five of us headed east to look at possible sites for the vegetative component of the sea-level rise project, that has been monopolizing my time and will for the next few years. The morning started off cold and raining with hopes of cancellation in the air. However, the rain subsided and the though the cold weather ensued, we endured the conditions and managed to visit all but one of the proposed five sites. Three biologists, a geologist, and myself wandered around the marsh looking at soil and vegetation distribution.

Lack of sleep the night prior and not being well acclimated to the cold weather, I began to look forward to the day's end. At a stop on Clubfoot Creek, located on the east side of the Suffix Scarp, which creates a higher elevation running north to south through the Neuse Estuary, our study location, the light illuminated the marsh grasses and surrounding forest in such a way, it made the effort seem worthwhile.

A new year at twenty-six

And so a new year has come, almost haphazardly it seems... gliding in, like a place undetected by sonar. What does this year have instore? Each day will unfold embraced with open arms and eyes lit with awe and wonder.

It is more difficult to anticipate the future and much simpler to be in the present. Stress is created when future tasks are not addressed but also in anticipation of future events. How does one balance such things? Yes, it is true the more prepared one is for the future, the less stressful it would be. However, no one knows the future, so they are not ever in sole control.

Does it all come down to control? In relationships, it has been said that anxiety of fear stems from lack of control. There is truth in that statement; however, that cannot be the sole source... or can it? Can we live our lives in constant fear? Most do not, although anyone of us can die any minute.

Sometimes it seems as though it would be easier to not have any relations and therefore dismiss any fear or lack of control. Though that is an option, I do not see any fulfillment in living such a life. For living life encompasses the interactions and relations we are apart of; otherwise, we would merely be surviving.

I do not see the point in merely surviving; it is a waste of energy and resources that could be utilized by those who embrace life and are an active participant. However, I am not condoning taking another's life out of greed. That is a decision made by the animal, itself. Just as in the food web, the weak are often easy targets for predators and their lives are given to the predator and as a result, the active and healthy are spared.

Humans think they are above the food web and are constantly altering it and manipulating it to suit their needs. A large smile will cross my face when humans and all other organisms operate within the natural cycle. Unfortunately, our present society is moving in the opposite direction at a rapid rate.

So, if I am to make a new year's resolution [though I make personal goals throughout the year and do not see the point in this one being anymore significant] it would be to work towards living within the natural cycle. This is not a new resolution, it is one that I consciously work towards; however, I have noticed since moving to a new location and starting this new part of my life, I have become lazy and given into the mirage of what society uses as crouches, stating they are an easier way, but what is not addressed it the future impact.

If each of us would only try, such a difference would be made.

The clouds over the sky in a gentle darkness releasing drops of water as though empathetically relating. As Matthew loads his car this morning, water droplets fall freely from the sky. The drops stop as we said goodbye, perhaps a signal to be strong and hold back the tears. Taking nature's queue, I am strong and knowing it was coming, I tried to prepare myself. It never seems to be enough, even though I know things will be fine as they always are...

So, I have come to what has become my comfort zone, the Corporate America of coffee... Starbuck's. As opposed to the various Starbuck's I have visited, I enjoy this one, I rationalize. Though I would rather contribute to local business, there is more of a community feel here, as ironic as it sounds.... there is more community at the corporate conglomerate than at the local small coffee house downtown. That place feels like a diner, without the greasy food. They each have their own place, I guess, and I spread the business evenly, or at least try to.

The setting sun

After a rigorous ride in the woods in which I thought we were lost, we made it out of the woods to be greeted by the sunset. Watching it slowly sink into the field, I felt the sorrow inside me grow as the moon rose.... knowing the day was almost over and the next would be full of feelings of lost, not knowing what to do as half of myself departs. The sunset was beautiful though my thoughts were distracted by what was to come.

And so the days have come and past and the struggle to keep moving forward becomes somewhat less each day. Although the struggle not to disconnect arises as the only means by which to deal with an unwanted situation that I cannot change. The voice becomes rite inside my head, informing me that it is making me a stronger person. Though I welcome the chance to become a stronger person, I still become frustrated with that which I have no control but am affected by.

But instead I distract myself with the sunset and other memories I hold tight, so tight they would suffocate if alive, and think of the many more that have yet to come to light.

Internal quiet questions

As darkness settles in all too early the sadness inside me seems to grow. From where it stems I do not know but remorse comes to mind, though I do not know for what I am remorseful of. Is it because of the holidays and missing that which is remembered so fondly? It seems like that is the reason but I can not remember those times. Those memories, though located somewhere in the grey matter atop my neck, are not available for current viewing... and so that does not seem a logical answer. Perhaps it is the reason, though consciously not capable of understanding it, my emotions can remember.

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

The present feels like a quiet time. A time to be quiet, to speak with the little voice inside... and more importantly, to listen.

Looking down with kind eyes

The night sky glances down as the moon dances with a halo of red around. Peering through the branches of trees, I admire the glow and how striking it seems. I scurry inside to capture the moment and as I reappear, the moon has moved. Higher up, on its nightly journey. Higher up into the sky. Higher up, I beg to fly. The moon glances down, in a kind loving nature. For the sky I shall not journey, my place is on the ground.

It's interesting to watch people during this time. It brings out the best and worst in people, it seems. Seeing the people of various ages just verifies that I do not want to get old. It is accepted that children can run wild and do what they would like, but the elderly are looked upon with frustration and resentment when they are capable of living up to the standards of the thriving youth and active middle aged. Could you imagine if children were treated in the same manner?

Why does our society discard the elder? They are the knowledgeable and wise. It is a sad consensus that the elderly are treated in such a way. We do not pass on knowledge within our society; only if it necessary for the present moment does anyone care. It is a shame that if a person does not fit within society's standards, they are a burden. What about the overweight, the anorexic teens, the depressed young adults, are they not deserving of our love and compassion? We are all simply children, we have just seen and endured more of life. More than anything.. acceptance is what is needed, not gizmos, gadgets, or psychological head games.

It saddens my heart.... to see the state of the U.S.

Ah, but as a women laughs...... the american dream still thrives.

Working hard....

The past week was quite rigorous and composed of non-stop work. As I sat at the little kitchen table and forced myself to type away... Karza snoozed on the $20 fluffy dog bed I picked up at Sam's with a detachable, washable covering. Quite the steal, considering they are generally much more expensive.

Ah... but the freedom of spending time with people, including myself, has finally returned and oh how I am enjoying it. However, there is still much to be accomplished over the break so to work I go. Though I would like to spend time with family and friends during the break, I know it is best for me to stay here and work. I am hoping to get a head start on some work for the spring semester.

Morning refutes

After waking up to a chilly morning, though I did have the heat on some, and taking a nice warm shower, I stepped outside to grab Karzas water bowl to fill it for the day. I could not believe what I saw... it was frozen. I'm not talking about a little ice sheet on top of water but solid frozen, with a little water on the bottom. I couldn't believe it!

It makes me think about people ho live even colder conditions and those who like it, like Arlene Blum, whose book I am reading. I cannot imagine camping in snow; hell, I haven't even seen it and though I would like to attempt skiing, if it's going to be in weather like that, I think I'll pass. I just don't see what is nice about being so cold you don't want to move or so layered with clothing to stay warm you can't move. Perhaps my perception is skewed, but the humid tropics is sounding more and more tempting as the days go by. I think it would be wonderful to not have the temperature drop below 75 or 80 degrees Fahrenheit. Where one can enjoy the outdoors all year, not pining for them from inside a stuffy building.

Further words

It is not “human genius”
that makes us human, but an old love,
an old intelligence of the heart
we gather to us from the world,
from the creatures, from the angels
of inspiration from the dead-
an intelligence merely nonexistent
to those who do not have it, but
to those who have it more dear than life.
-Wendell Berry
excerpt from Some Further Words

Words of wisdom...

...especially for those of us in academia, struggling to stay afloat.... but it is true for everyone, everywhere.

Every man's life lies within the present; for the past is spent and done with, and the future is uncertain.
~ Marcus Aurelius

GERM party

On Friday, all the GERM (Geochemistry and Environmental Radioactivity Measurement) lab members and surrogate members gathered at Reide's house for a holiday party, basically an excuse to get together. Though I do not work in the lab I am considered a member having Reide as my advisor. The gathering was great and I had a blast. Not anything spectacular, just your beverage of choice, some quickly made spaghetti, garlic bread, and a not so shabby salad evening. Oh, but let us not forget the trampoline. Yes, a trampoline... it has been a long time since I have been on one and I was looking forward to the opportunity. It was cold that evening, but I was still eager to jump and had a very good time.

It was very pleasant to gather everyone together. We all get along and seem to enjoy eachother's company, which makes it even better. Many more pix were taken, though I have yet to see them, but perhaps a few will make it top the blog later on. All in all it was a very fun filled evening of slightly intoxicated chatting and non work related interaction. I will savor it until the next time.

"Associate with the noblest people you can find; read the best books; live with the mighty. But learn to be happy alone. Rely upon your own energies, and so do not wait for, or depend on other people."

~Thomas Davidson

Forshadowing future frosty fantasies

This morning I awoke to the radio saying it was a freezing 30 degrees outside. Since the heat had been on in my little apartment, I was quite toasty and was desperately trying to pull myself out of bed and wake up enough to get the day rolling. Eventually making it to the bathroom, I turned on the warm water and stepped into the shower. Upon stepping out, many minutes later, I was greeted by a groggy half asleep doggie. After greeting Karza with a good morning, I slowly got dressed.

When I stepped outside, to take Karza for our morning stroll around the block, I realized it was not that bad. I must have been layered appropriately. Then, the white blanket of frost caught my eye and I was mesmerized by how beautiful it was. The frost was lying pretty thick, covering just about everything that was standing still. I had run back instide and capture the moment. The white crystals sparkled effortlessly in the morning sun and I was sad to think they would soon be gone. However, it was exciting to think it may snow. I might be able to see snow..... finally! It made me realize how much I can't wait.

In addition to reading the book by Arlene Blum, seeing the beautiful fall leaves, and hiking up a small mountain in Hot Springs, and now I may get to see snow too... all in one year... it's so exciting.

I can't wait make my first snowball!

Oh what joys the mailman brings...

The other day, I was surprised upon opening my mailbox, for there were two packages waiting for me. It was wonderful to receive the gift from those who care for me. It made my day! The anticipation of their contents drove me to open them quickly and even more happily, I was overwhelmed with the joy that the people who sent the presents had taken the time to think of me... many miles away. One of the gifts was a book by Arlene Blum (if you click the pix, it should take you to her website). She was a pioneer in women's mountaineering during a time when climbing mountains was not what women did. This book is her story... of childhood struggles forming her determination to persevere against what others considered impossible and also make her place in the world. Even though I am bogged down with course work, the book is so well written and the story so intriguing, all I want to do is keep reading (I stayed up 'til midnight last night reading it and finally put the book down when my eyes would no longer stay open without assistance).

The two packages I received warmed my heart greatly and I was a little sad that I could thank those who sent them with a hug. That will have to come later. Thank-you very much! I hope in some way I reciprocate those wonderful feelings.

Serenity

of a washing machine......

So, I am officially an adult... or so I feel. I recently purchased a used washer and dryer and am loving it. My most gracious neighbour recruited some friends to help me pick it up and unload it. After I finally got it hooked up, having to exchange hoses a few times due to defects, the machines worked beautifully.

For some reason, this is a large step for, just below buying a house, signifying adulthood. Now, I have taken on responsibility and cared for myself for a long time. The events such as moving out of my mother's house, teaching myself how to cook, and recently moving to another state in which I did not know anyone did not ignite the feelings of adulthood. I have been considering buying a washer and dryer for a while now, because I calculated it out and it would be cheaper and much more time effective; however, I was still apprehensive, because it was such a big step, at least for me.

Unlike buying the washer and dryer, I am more than ready to buy a house. I spent hours last night pursuing those for sale here in Greenville. ThoughII am only going to be here 2.5 more years (wow! I can't believe it's been that long), I would much rather put money towards something that would have a return. It is a double bladed sword... because the houses that are close to campus are priced high or in a bad neighborhood. So, for now I dream of owning my own place and enjoy my little apartment. It's grown on me.... and having a good neighbor is great!

Giving thanks

While in Florida, over Thanksgiving break, I was treated to a concert with MOFRO and the Jacksonville Symphony Orchestra. At MOFRO's website, you can listen to about five of their songs. Imagine meshing their music with a full orchestra. Sounds a bit off, but it was very well done. It was not your usual show... it was a seated concert, though some daring individuals managed to make it out of their seats and enjoy the music moving thru their body.

We left in enough time, but apparently, there was also a football game that evening, so downtown was packed and they had roads blocked off. We did not understand why, until at intermission, perhaps so appropriately planned, a beautiful fireworks display ignited the sky. It made for a wonderful evening, I'd give it 5 sparklers.

Sabbath 1998 IX

What I fear most is despair
for the works and us; forever less
of beauty, silence, open air,
gratitude, unbidden happiness,
affection, unegotistical desire.

-Wendell Berry

Making Waves

For when does love become not worthwhile?
When the pain and hurt consume one’s mind?
Or is it infinite and filled with energy
the emotions shared though stifled in time.
When half of a couple is stagnant
and like a large boulder on flat ground
an impossible feat to move
is it time for the other half to move forward
and leave the love behind?
For it is comforting and so familiar
causing pain that becomes a comfort as well
like an family member that is accepted
who acts without consciousness
ignorant to the ripples
creating affects
impacting others.

Tumultuous Holidaze

It's almost Thanksgiving... I can't believe it. Time is going by so quickly. Tomorrow I will start the journey southward, to visit family and friends. Starting last night, I was vibrating exciting nrg, with thoughts of visiting those I care for. Though it may have been the coffee, ingested to keep me awake for a 3 hour class, starting at 6:30 p.m., the excitement lasted 'til midnight, when I was finally able to settle into slumberous comfort.

This intrigued me, possibly due to the fact that I have been thinking of how I took for granted, previously living a mere 75 miles from the place I grew up. This meager distance cowers in comparison to the almost 600 miles in which I now reside. How nice it would be to live closer and have the opportunity to bask in the love and affections of those who care for you. However, many of us have recently moved to here and are feeling similarly.

Still I ponder, is this yearning and excitement a mere inflation of the true feelings I am having for the place I think of so fondly? Perhaps I should seek council in the other new transplants pursuing the similar arduous path. Others within the clan of those I hold dear have journeyed far from the place they call home and I've noticed there is not a common theme in conversations of this topic, though it is possible this is simply not mentioned in the brief, intermittent telephone connections.

None the less, I will enjoy the excitement, since it will not be relived for another long period. Even if it is inflated, leaving room for much disappointment, these are emotions are simply realizations that I am alive and even more so living. That statement moves us onto a different topic, one which I have addressed before and will probably mention again in the future, but not now.

I hope we all enjoy these tumultuous holidaze, the pleasurable events and saddening ones as well. As all other moments, they will not come again.

---

You see well chances are given
Only once
         -Xavier Rudd

NPR blurb

Love is not about loosing your freedom...
it's about giving it a meaning.

Wonderful words!

What is it about words that is so titilizing. A person who knows how to communicate and can use words cunningly, is an artist. I find the use of words to be delightfully fulfilling. There are so many things I would like to have the extra time to accomplish, including:

   1. Writing various papers on significant environmental
       topics.... ah there are so many to choose from.
   2. Making a shower curtain for the bathroom.
   3. Growing various plant life.
   4. CLEANING my home
   5. Cleaning out the truck
   6. Hiking and camping in the mountains

That list is prolly more for me, but oh well. It would be wonderful is the weekends were a few days longer and the days were a few hours longer. We could accomplish all we wanted... or at least a larger portion.

So, on to the next task.. a 3 hour class.

Weekend in hot springs

This past weekend was great! A group of us (Ari,Kat, Anna, Matthew, and myself) traveled six or more hours west to gawk, or maybe it was only me, at the beautiful colorful leaves lining the hills and mountainsides. I've been wanting to make it over to the mountains for awhile now, but haphazardly we out this trip together and headed out Friday afternoon. Unfortunately, the car I was in didn't make it there until way past dark, but it was a wonderful surprise to wale-up to bountifully colored trees. Since the drive was so far, we only had Saturday to explore, in which we hiked along 2 trails. One was up the side of a mountain and the other was along a river. The weather was fantastic and I was not even cold. We also managed to hit the peak color change in leaves it seems also.

fall colors


campsite view 1


campsite view 2


trail view


mountain dog


stand by me flashbacks


Ari, Kat, and Matthew

Needless to say,I much enjoyed it and hope to make it over sometime soon. Since the weather will be turning much colder soon, it will prolly not be until spring.

Distracting thoughts

The more I think about it, the more I simply want to live on a few acres, in my wooden shed and have a garden. Driving out around the cotton fields, there are so many houses that are boarded up, not being used. It makes me sad to see these old wooden farm houses desolate, like an exoskeleton of a deceased creature. Like an abandoned dog, I want to love these houses and give them a family, allowing them to glow.

Ah... but now I am held up in the office, far from a small farm house to call home. Maybe someday, it will all come together.... the small house, orchard, garden, and chickens.

This past weekend was nice, especially after having so much due the past few weeks. I almost didn't know what to do, having just taken 2 tests and finishing a paper, but that was readily solved. It was a fun, playful weekend. Went to Goose Creek State Park, and volunteered for the first time. It was wonderful to be able to do something helpful, though it was merely cleaning up the shoreline and trail maintenance. However, I am not complaining by any means; I really enjoyed it and was even able to take a few shots.

Greenville is surrounded by rural farmlands growing a small variety of crops. When I arrived in North Carolina, during mid-summer, there were corn, soy beans, and tobacco fields all over. Now there are cotton, some oat looking plant (I've yet to figure out what), and another small mystery crop covering the fields. The cotton plant is really interesting. It flowers or fruits, I'm not sure which one, cotton. It's so soft and they waste so much of it. We went by a few fields that had been harvested, and there was a large amount of cotton remaining. It is a shame the farmers leave so much unharvested. But it is more economical to use large machinery than have it hand picked. There is just so much left behind.

The cotton fields are very beautiful and it is a wonder there are not paintings and landscape photos of cotton fields. Perhaps some of our pictures will inspire someone....

hello.... goodbye...

This have been very hectic this past week and I am looking forward to Thursday. This past weekend I was unable to go to Shackelford Island as planned due to pressing coursework. However, at this point I have successfully taken of the two tests and finished a paper. I am pleased overall, at the moment, but there is still much work to be done.

So, I am sitting here at my favorite coffee shop, lured away from my studies to post a quick update and share these pictures. The flowers below were at a house near my apartment, which have since been butchered by the cold weather or the lawn care person. The sunrise photo was taken last week on a morning when I awoke early and while taking Karza for her morning walk, I was greeted with sun's beautiful rays. Every day the sky is gorgeous here, even on the overcast days, I wish I could share them all.

neighbour's flowers


morning sunrise

Today is a sad day. I awoke this morning to NPR as I do most every morning, and instead of hearing about the horribleness of a hurricane's wrath or the war in Iraq, they were informing everyone that Rosa Parks passed away. It was her time; she was 92 years old and though I was not alive when she so stubbornly and stoically created a small ripple that changed the United States forever, I feel some remorse that such a modest soul is no longer with us. I have held her in my thoughts and wish her well on her next journey. May she go on to be apart of even more revolutionary events.

Have computers and other technological gadgets become the pacifiers of adults? I offered this speculation to some undergraduate students, one of which was listening to an iPod at the time and did not appreciate my comment. The feelings I have toward my computer are similar to those of a small child and their blanket, pacifier, or in the case of a young lisa... my pillow.

In taking a short stroll through campus, individuals who are not listening to a music device or talking on a cell phone are few and far between.. they are almost an endangered species. We should save this species! Have fundraisers and concerts to aid in the protection of these individuals.

But seriously, I find it disheartening that people choose to not interact nor be present in their environment. If the environment is not conducive for their needs, due to loud traffic or obnoxious background noise, perhaps there are others that feel the same way and the environment should be modified. Modify the environment? What a dominantly human thing to say! However, the obnoxiousness of the environment normally is created by anthropogenic actions... those are the ones we should alter. I have yet to hear someone complain about the wind rustling the leaves on the trees or the rain musically tapping the ground.

There is so much to do that I am being propelled forward, when sometimes all I really want to do is enjoy moments of the past... time spent... stories shared.

However, the anticipation of moments to come partially motivate the forward movement. The pleasure of taking pride in one's work only occurs after hours of what seems like endless effort.

Independent coffee talk

Sitting here at the little coffee shop downtown, I can't help but wonder if they are going to be closing. Though I cannot bare to ask, for if that is so, I do not want to know the answer. It is the only coffee shop in town that is not a chain or restaurant and it's conveniently located in the downtown area, referred to here as 'uptown'. They are trying to refurbish the area but people don't seem to come down here. It's almost like business suicide.

The owner seems a bit down, but that may be sue to other circumstances. See, I come in often and purchase coffee, but rarely stay. They are familiar with me but no connection exists. Always on the run, with little time to stop and socialize, but I am here now, and it is empty... with good music playing in the background and the owner taking a smoke break out front... I dare to ask him.

Workng away....

Sometimes I wonder what it's all for. Each person has their own objective.... having a family and kids, idly working away the remainder of time here on earth, or trying to make some small contribution to the world. It's so easy to keep one's head down low, working away, meeting the immediate deadlines, but what about the overall picture? I think I see it sometimes... a glimmer here and there, and then I get a bad grade and it makes me so discouraged, thinking it was all in vain. There has to be something more to life than that... or at least that is what I keep telling myself.

Sometimes I just feel like an ant, whose missing out on the surrounding world.

Park Outings

About 30 minutes east of Greenville, there is state park with wonderful trails and cheap primitive campsites. Here are some pictures I took on a recent visit. Unfortunately, these pictures are not all that I brought back with me from the park. I also brought back tons of tiny ticks. I must have hit a tick bomb while hiking and did not know until much later.

Thankfully, the itching has finally subsided.... it only took a week. A few bites, I can handle, but when there are that many..... it's so uncomfortable. After half a week of not sleeping, I was introduced to a good friend Benadryl. We became close friends and soon rest arrived.

The park was beautiful though. The water was sparkling like gemstones. I filled out paperwork to start volunteering and will hopefully be doing so in the next few weeks. I'll let you know how the camping goes.

Staring thoughts

Last night, laying on the bed, I stared at the ceiling fan. The dust collected on the edges of the blades did not move. It was so still the shadow cast on the ceiling was perfect, blending into the popcorn pattern behind it. My eyes slowly moved across the room and I saw that everything was still. Nothing was moving... Then, I heard the rain, small water droplets pounding against the hard brick and cement outside the screen door. The sound of the rain, the sound of movement, contradicted the stillness of the room I was surrounded by. The only thing in the room moving was me, I realized. The rising and falling of my chest... breathing. I noticed my breathe began to shallow and it was as if I was trying to be still too. But then, unconsciously my rib cage expanded I inhaled a large breathe, a survival instinct. As my focus returned to water drops listening to the random symphonious sound, I realized... I am alive, I am living. Not by conscious action, but by instinct. Then my breathe began to shallow....

present state...hoping to pass

yet another sleepless night
not from worries
but from bites

a nature outing
now an itching fest
with upset sores spewing puss

a graphic image
yes i know
but to feel it
even more so

medicate,
i did last night
and sleep fell heavily
like a fogged high

hard to wake
still in a fog
because of benadryl
which worked so well

sleeping hard
not itching had
awakened slumbers
of the night past.

While biking

Tired and physically drained from not getting enough sleep the night before, I trudged up the 5th Street hill on the north side of campus. Warm, smooth, creamy latte in possession, and almost out of breathe, I looked to the right at the Liberal Arts building as if I was seeing it for the first time. Then, my thoughts quickly changed to the moment I had seen taken in the interesting view for the first time. It seems like ages ago but was not. When I had come up to interview for the grad position, I later accepted, it was one of the few buildings I remembered in the blur of the visit. The air was crisp and cold, and we took a few pictures before heading back south.

This led me to think of how I have been here 4 months now, and it still feels new and foreign. This is not a bad feeling, it's just that it makes me wonder if I will ever feel apart of this place. My home is here, in my humble abode and that feels familiar and I thought I would finally have a 'home', a place I have not felt in a long time. Yet, it makes me wonder..... if that will ever happen.

Sometimes I think I may be afraid. It seems that which we yearn for, we are also scared of. However, I think this is different, but at the same time, I do not feel I will ever have that same feeling. Maybe 'home' is simply a concept that does not exist as I have imagined?

Morning market moments

After staying up too late printing the maps for the crew leaving Monday, I tried to go to bed early so as to make it to the Farmer's Market this morning. All the asking and searching around paid off when, a few weeks ago, I stumbled upon a farmer's market hidden on the southern apart of town.

It was nice to see the fresh vegetables in baskets and they even had eggs. I purchased a carton of small eggs for $1, ah... fresh eggs. I can't wait to have chickens on some property and collect fresh eggs and watch little chicks hatch. There was also a woman selling hot tamales and turnovers. I bought an apple one and a sweet potatoe with pecan and coconut one. The apple one was good, I'm eating that with my coffee,as this is being typed, and the sweet potatoe one I am saving for later.

There were not as many vendors as at the Raleigh Farmer's Market, pictured to the right. I stopped there when I went over a few weeks ago for work. It was the middle of the week, but there were lots of vendors, vegetables, and flowers for sale.

Thanx

Thank-you all for the wonderful birthday wishes. It made me feel very loved and I appreciated it very much. Hope all is going well with everyone. Things have been very busy lately with the meeting on the 19th and 20th. Most of the crew is heading out on a 2 week research cruise soon and I've been busy making maps for the trip. I really want to go but missing 2 weeks of classes after just having missed about a week, does not seem like a good idea. Reide tells me tonight that they may have a bunk open though, if I still would like to go..... I think he just likes to give me a hard time, know how badly I want to go.

Just wanted to let you all know I really appreciated the birthday wishes and will hopefully be updating this blog soon.

Nighttime fun

So.... last night I got to go see a show.... in an awesome little venue.... over in Chapel Hill. Who was it I ventured almost two hours to see???? Well, Mike Doughty, of course. Being that I cannot remember what the last concert I went to was, aside from Bonnaroo, I was stoked to be going. It was arranged suddenly, all within the afternoon before leaving, but I'm happy I go tot go.

Though I was not able to see Soul Coughing, this was highly enjoyable. Mike Doughty has been doing more acoustic stuff solo, which is pretty good. I had a copy of a live show he did and bring there last night was like I was at that show.

The venue is called Cat's Cradle and is this awesome little place. I felt like I should go and sit down up front for story time, like I was in preschool. When we got there, there were two guys on stage, one singing and playing guitar and one playing keyboards. He was pretty good but it seemed like he was all over the place with his style, which can be a good thing, but it made me wonder if he was still finding his and imitating others in the mean time. There were free CDs of his music available.

Cat's Cradle has some good shows coming up, including Death Cab for Cutie, which I was thinking about heading back over for. So... if you wanna join me, head up, down, or over and we can go together.

upon the rails
among the weeds
i had a moment of
serenity ...MD

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's wonderful how within one day someone can emotionally go full circle and end up higher than when they started. What is even better is when it lasts over to the next day.

One day, soon hopefully, I will be able to fully concede to life's occurrences and not endure, but embrace life's painfulness and delightfulness; because even in the most painful moments, there is something beautiful about it.

Perhaps it is simply that we are alive
or that we can feel.

A loss doesn't hurt
unless you've been touched.

For pains of sorrow
stem from love.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes spinning in circles just seems like the right thing to do.

Goings on...

The weekend has arrived and I am feeling the blissfulness of Friday. Moods have been changing from one extreme to another recently. It's quite a ride and though I would like to get off every now and then, the anticipation of the unknown keeps me going.

When I stop and think about it, I am pretty much behind in work and my hobbies, like updating this blog, but the courseworkis good, as far as I know. On top of trying to figure out how to manage taking 2 weeks off of course work, for a research cruise I was invited to go on, and desperately want to do, tomorrow morning Ari and I are leaving to head over to the OBX to collect data at her 2 field sites. What more could one ask to do for thier weekend?

I'm very excited, which usually happens when I get to do field work, and I am familiar with her sites and what she we are going to be doing. The best part is that we are going to be camping at Cape Hatteras National Seashore. This means I get to visit the lighthouse, YIPEE!!! Last time, we didn't go; so this time, I'm definately doing it. On top of all that, Karza is coming, which makes it even better. I enjoy taking her places, and she loves to go wherever. Hopefully, I will be able to post a few pix.

Lullings

He roams my thoughts,
randomly appears.
Triggering emotions,
to which I succumb.

Legs become weak,
arms begin to shake.
Not through joy,
but anger and hate.

Left feeling weak,
composure lost.
I pick myself up,
and try to move on.

Surfacing...

No, No, No,
I cannot play.
No, not with you.
No, not today.

Yes, I want to.
It would be fun,
but I have another
I am thinking of.

Disgruntled citizens unite!

In case you have read this, you should! I am not a huge fan, but there are somethings I agree with him on and this is one of them!

Feelings & Rantings

So recently, the fall semester of classes has started.... Though I have been out of the course load for a time, I did not think it would take that much to ease myself back into it. Well, I was right but, I am having trouble juggling work as well. I want to concentrate solely on the course work.

Also, I feel like I am constantly grasping to try and keep up. I feel like things are getting away from me and there are not enough hours in the day. Like this blog, for instance, I have some pix and things waiting to be put up for a few weeks now, but because they are not a priority, they get pushed aside. The only thing is, this blog is kinda like one of my hobbies.

Perhaps that is the problem, I have too many hobbies... too many things I'm interested in and want to put my nrgs into. Unfortunately, I have a feeling that this is just the beginning.....

It also makes me think... when am I going to be able to share my life with someone and embrace theirs, when I don't feel like I am handling mine well? Perhaps that is why I have not met someone... but I think it is because I am trying to coerce my heart, which is throwing a temper tantrum and refuses to move on.

Disrupting feelings

It was a beautiful afternoon. The air was crisp and light in humidity. As the breeze swept through the small apartment, I thought of those who spoke so fondly of the North Carolina weather.

The weekend had been productive, mostly spent studying and reading up so as not to get behind. Though I had wanted to get away for the holiday weekend and explore the foothills of the mountains, it seemed better to stay and concentrate on school. Gas has become a more precious commodity than before and it did not seem worthwhile to consume so much. So, those plans were put off until fall break in mid October.

Sitting at the newly acquired used kitchen table, enjoying the breeze and studying statistics, a feeling overwhelmed me. It was so strong, it was amazing to feel so weak in a matter of seconds. If I would have not been sitting, I would have fallen to the floor. My arms began to shake and I felt sick to my stomach, wanting to vomit, but so scared at the same time. It came on strong and quick, like no other energy moved before. Only one person entered my thoughts and my first instinct was to ring him, but then I thought it may be because he was doing something and I should not interrupt. However, the self control was not enough and so I called.

"Hi." I hear on the other end of the phone, slightly surprised and happy to hear from me, "How are you?"

"I'm fine", I reply, "how are you though?"

"Oh, I'm fine, I was just...."

Apparently, nothing had happened... as of yet. What was interesting to me was that I did not feel he was in danger, it was not one of those types of cautious feelings; I felt as though he had moved on, that he had kissed someone... someone else. It seemed that that was what those feelings were about, but they were much more than jealousy. There was something more there...