sCeTtI nIgHt

As I sit here eating the spaghetti I made for dinner, I remember when I was little and hearing my mom say we were going to have spaghetti for dinner. It was the most fabulous idea, very exciting.............. yipee! scetti, yum...

I hardly every eat spaghetti, never order it when I go out to eat, and hardly ever make it. Though I have been making it more lately, a modified version of course. No meat and lots of chunky veggies. Oh, and no spaghetti, it's linguini now.

What happened to those days? Is plain old spaghetti not good enough for me anymore? I don't know. My diet is much different than it used to be. It's as though my perception has changed and I see food in a new light. I mean I have nothing against the food I was raised on, it was the food my mother thought was best for me and it was the way she had been raised.

It seems as though so much has changed in one generation. If I have kids, I feel they would be raised in such a different way. Though the core things would be there, hopefully, like love, support, etc. I just feel like my perspective, the way I approach the world, and my beliefs have diverged greatly from my upbringing.

But there was not a significant world event, or societal change I endured. I was confronted with a few major life events early on but I do not see the correlation between these and my present perspectives. I feel like one of the hippies in the 60's with very conservative parents. Maybe I'm leading my own revolution.... it's just I have yet to figure out what it is.

Why is it that now that I have decided to leave, things seem better and I question my decision? Don't get me wrong, I'm not going back on my decision, I mailed off the acceptance letter today, in fact. There is no going back now.

It must be a change in perspective.... but everything seems better. My job seems more interesting and I've met some really good people, who want to and make time to hang-out, who are interested in the same things, who are stimulating. On top of that, I was offered exactly what I had asked for in grad school and a research project that is perfectly fitting for what I want to do.

It's here.... I'm finally happy!! It took awhile, but it came through. Moving to a new place, exploring, being scared, it sounds wonderful. I'll be leaving wonderful people behind but will be allowing the possibility to meet more. That's right, I'm just a greedy person ; }.

Life's hard... I've become too familiar with running into walls and not getting anywhere that when things actually work out, I don't know what to do.

Sometimes I forget there's always more time.... because this is the first day of my life.

tRaVeLiNg

Traveling is a time of reflection and introspection. Though are senses are pressed with new surroundings we are constantly thinking of the past and comparing with the unfamiliar, trying to find comfort.

Why is comfort so important? Other animals act differently in unfamiliar environments. Security also is a factor in one's comfort level. The unfamiliar pushes one's limits, tests their capabilities. This is at an all time high when one travels alone. There is no one to turn to for advice or to share a smile. It's somewhat lonely but there's a calmness about walking alone. When things are good, there is a peacefulness. Then, there is the possibility of chance meetings. Occurrences that would otherwise not happen because one is preoccupied with their companion.

Traveling alone is an art, as with most things. A balance of openness and defensiveness. Due to regionality, cultural differences appear in personality characteristics. Acceptance and disapproval between people. However, as the changing landscape during a plane flight, the beauty of the differences show. Familiarity can be found through a chance meeting, if the openness is present and one's not too defensive.

solitary travel

fOrEcAsT

Thursday

Mar 24, 2005

Personal
Responsibilities can control you at this time, and certain needs require attention, especially family or personal matters. You are more selective of what you do and whom you see, and you may prefer being alone now-or circumstances can demand it. You tend to take things seriously, and a negative outlook is common if things are too demanding. Focusing on one thing at a time helps to maintain order.

Love
It’s a slow time where you can experience the weight of a relationship, and the fun is sometimes missing. You respond best to a partner when you feel secure, and your comfort range is limited to the familiar rather than to anything new. You are less likely to get out now since you may need to be alone, but if you do, you often are preoccupied, making it difficult to give.

Money

You are averse to taking risks now because you are more comfortable staying within the limits of what you know works. This is favorable for putting in your time and for implementing new strategies designed to conserve and to save money. You tend to assess realistically whatever is before you. Delays in business dealings sometimes occur now which is frustrating. Use the downtime to make necessary adjustments to ensure future success.

iT's oFfIciAl

Come June, I will be living in Greenville, North Carolina. I'm still getting comfortable with the idea. Don't get me wrong, Im excited about it and all but I'm also pretty scared. However, I have chosen to focus on the more positive side of the whole thing and deal with the negative things when they arise. It's a new system I'm working on.... I'll let ya know how it goes.

Why am I moving north??? That is a question I keep asking myself as well, but I think it is the best thing for me at the moment. I'll be starting a Geology Master's program there and the project I'll be working on could not be more perfect, unless it involved lots of field work.

While we were visiting, Matthew took a few pictures and checked out the area for me. I'll be going back up to secure an apartment sometime in the near future. That means more pictures!!

Our Youth

caged animals...

For Julie's birthday, she had oysters and then we made s'mores with the kids. It was nice. The kids had a lot of fun, learning how to shuck oysters and playing with gooey marshmellows.

oysters and s'mores

... beInG iN tRaNsItiOn

How can one receive everything they've asked for and still not be happy... or accepting of it? And even better, be upset and unhappy?

What's wrong?

Feelings of abandonment. Overwhelmingly surrounding. A pain so strong, moving past it seems impossible.

Breathe...

With each breath the hurt fluctuates. Like a roller coaster ride, sitting blind-folded, I wait for the next drop.

Shifts.

Changes occur, providing growth. Forward movement saddens the soul. To leave behind the happiness for the unknown.

Fearful thoughts...

Thoughts of the unknown bring fear to my mind. A scared little girl curled up inside. Scared of the unknown; scared to be alone.

Everyday is a day that I can say

I keep my head above the waves

Fear is an intense, strong, inhibiting, motivating force. Being in control of my feelings and capabilities to function simultaneously is something I have yet to master. During younger days, many of my friends were highly emotional beings and I never understood why daily functions were such a struggle. Now that I have worked to unleashed the deep emotions encased within, I am realizing it is quite a feat. It is a struggle to not allow those emotions to overwhelm you, like an internal struggle. To allow them to be present and express themselves and at the same time carry on with obligations and daily duties.

In dealing with this pinnacle point in my life, fear is peeking out and wanting to perform.

Fear of change

Fear of being hurt

Fear of making mistakes

Fear of repeating mistakes

It is fed more easily than other emotions or forces and somewhat impossible to ignore. Unlike other emotions, fear is not something one can be with and work through, or at least I have yet o do so. So, instead I try to focus on the positive and like an unruly child in today's society, I acknowledge it's presence but pay it no mind. With time, unlike an unruly child, the fear will pass, and I will see there was no reason to feed such a thing.

... tick .... tick ... tick .... tick

So, I'm sitting here, at work, thinking about the future... something I think too much about. Granted I'm not thinking years down the road, just a few weeks, but none the less my brain feels as though it's at max. capacity.

This whole graduate school thing, I thought was supposed to be nice and simple, like undergrad. You apply, if you have good grades, you get in... 'nough said. Oh, but that is not the way it works, see. One must obtain an overwhelming amount of money, after paying for undergraduate school, because the cost of school is much more expensive. Thankfully, in science and some other concentrations, one can get funded to go to graduate school. Their education is taken care of and they are given a measly stipend in which to live on.

As before, I thought this was attainable by getting good grades and applying ones self. But oh no.... there are hidden requirement specific to each school. Sometimes, my pessimistic attitude gets the best of me and the train of thought scampering down the 'why bother' path, takes hold. It seems like it's been too hard and I have had to put forth too much nrg to get this far. I do not want to walk away,but it makes me wonder, 'when is it too much, when does one reach the threshold of applying too much nrg?'

So, I have initiated the graduate school process... it is time to see what the universe thinks about my suggestion.

... tick .... tick ... tick .... tick ...

Last night I went and saw Finding Neverland at the Hippodrome, my favorite movie house. It was a delightful film... sweet, compassionate, sad, and happy. There were a few instances I found myself a bit teary-eyed, in a good way. I had been looking forward to seeing the film and was pleased to learn it was going to be showing at the Hippodrome. So, I waited a few weeks after the film had released to the mainstream theatres.

Making my way downtown, in the cold dreary weather, I purchased my ticket at the box office and settled into the old comfy rocking movie theatre seats at the Hippodrome, anxiously awaiting the journey to be had. On of the reasons I enjoy seeing films at the Hippodrome is because it is a small theatre and it feels as though the people in the theatre are having the experience together, as though there is some kind of camaraderie between the viewers. After the brief announcement by the film staff, asking everyone to please turn of their pagers and or cell phones, the previews begin. This is generally the time when trailers of future films and or plays are shown.

The trailer for Hotel Rwanda was ran this time. I saw this film at one of the mainstream theatres, here in town, a few weeks ago, because I did not know it was going to be showing at the Hippodrome. It was a very good film. The content was very heavy but I felt the film portrayed the weight of the subject matter without being gory or using shocking scenes. Hotel Rwanda did a phenomenal job displaying the horrific acts that occurred in Rwanda between the Hutu and the Tutsi tribes.

Then, Finding Neverland began... I will not go into detail about the film, you should experience that for yourself. It was a pleasant journey for me and I hope you enjoy it as well.

wHeRe mY bEaUtY lIeS......

Your beauty lies in Nature. Down to earth, laid back and a natural beauty. You have no need for make-up or accessories that most others do. In fact you most likely find them a nuisance. You are probably a little tom-boyish in your jeans and tees with a great love for nature. You probably know more about plants and animals than most people and you'd rather spend your times outdoors and in the sun, independent and free. You can be a bit distant with people, preferring the company of animals over people, which isn't always the best thing. You can be kind and sweet, but not many see that side of you as you often have misunderstandings with people. You are very go-with-the-flow sort of person and usually try to avoid fights even if it means changing your opinion or belief. Still, you are you look your best actually without make-up and in casual clothes. Very few can say that. Be proud.

Element: Earth, Wind

Animal: Horse

Color: Green, Purple, Earth Tones

Song: The Memory Of Trees by Enya

Expression: Cool Smile

Gemstone: Emerald

Mythological Creature: Fairy, Elf

Planet: Earth

Hair Color: Brown

Eye Color: Bright Green

click here to see where your beauty lies.

rAiNy dAzE

The rain came down with varying intensity that day. Gazing out the window, following the movement of hydrogen and oxygen molecules, I watched the trees... weighed down by accumulated water droplets, singing with happiness as they cowered, with the weight of their existence. Each gust of air offered more water to the ground below, not yet saturated by the drizzling rains.

If one could follow the travels of a droplet of water, where would it take us?