The clouds over the sky in a gentle darkness releasing drops of water as though empathetically relating. As Matthew loads his car this morning, water droplets fall freely from the sky. The drops stop as we said goodbye, perhaps a signal to be strong and hold back the tears. Taking nature's queue, I am strong and knowing it was coming, I tried to prepare myself. It never seems to be enough, even though I know things will be fine as they always are...

So, I have come to what has become my comfort zone, the Corporate America of coffee... Starbuck's. As opposed to the various Starbuck's I have visited, I enjoy this one, I rationalize. Though I would rather contribute to local business, there is more of a community feel here, as ironic as it sounds.... there is more community at the corporate conglomerate than at the local small coffee house downtown. That place feels like a diner, without the greasy food. They each have their own place, I guess, and I spread the business evenly, or at least try to.

The setting sun

After a rigorous ride in the woods in which I thought we were lost, we made it out of the woods to be greeted by the sunset. Watching it slowly sink into the field, I felt the sorrow inside me grow as the moon rose.... knowing the day was almost over and the next would be full of feelings of lost, not knowing what to do as half of myself departs. The sunset was beautiful though my thoughts were distracted by what was to come.

And so the days have come and past and the struggle to keep moving forward becomes somewhat less each day. Although the struggle not to disconnect arises as the only means by which to deal with an unwanted situation that I cannot change. The voice becomes rite inside my head, informing me that it is making me a stronger person. Though I welcome the chance to become a stronger person, I still become frustrated with that which I have no control but am affected by.

But instead I distract myself with the sunset and other memories I hold tight, so tight they would suffocate if alive, and think of the many more that have yet to come to light.

Internal quiet questions

As darkness settles in all too early the sadness inside me seems to grow. From where it stems I do not know but remorse comes to mind, though I do not know for what I am remorseful of. Is it because of the holidays and missing that which is remembered so fondly? It seems like that is the reason but I can not remember those times. Those memories, though located somewhere in the grey matter atop my neck, are not available for current viewing... and so that does not seem a logical answer. Perhaps it is the reason, though consciously not capable of understanding it, my emotions can remember.

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

The present feels like a quiet time. A time to be quiet, to speak with the little voice inside... and more importantly, to listen.

Looking down with kind eyes

The night sky glances down as the moon dances with a halo of red around. Peering through the branches of trees, I admire the glow and how striking it seems. I scurry inside to capture the moment and as I reappear, the moon has moved. Higher up, on its nightly journey. Higher up into the sky. Higher up, I beg to fly. The moon glances down, in a kind loving nature. For the sky I shall not journey, my place is on the ground.

It's interesting to watch people during this time. It brings out the best and worst in people, it seems. Seeing the people of various ages just verifies that I do not want to get old. It is accepted that children can run wild and do what they would like, but the elderly are looked upon with frustration and resentment when they are capable of living up to the standards of the thriving youth and active middle aged. Could you imagine if children were treated in the same manner?

Why does our society discard the elder? They are the knowledgeable and wise. It is a sad consensus that the elderly are treated in such a way. We do not pass on knowledge within our society; only if it necessary for the present moment does anyone care. It is a shame that if a person does not fit within society's standards, they are a burden. What about the overweight, the anorexic teens, the depressed young adults, are they not deserving of our love and compassion? We are all simply children, we have just seen and endured more of life. More than anything.. acceptance is what is needed, not gizmos, gadgets, or psychological head games.

It saddens my heart.... to see the state of the U.S.

Ah, but as a women laughs...... the american dream still thrives.

Working hard....

The past week was quite rigorous and composed of non-stop work. As I sat at the little kitchen table and forced myself to type away... Karza snoozed on the $20 fluffy dog bed I picked up at Sam's with a detachable, washable covering. Quite the steal, considering they are generally much more expensive.

Ah... but the freedom of spending time with people, including myself, has finally returned and oh how I am enjoying it. However, there is still much to be accomplished over the break so to work I go. Though I would like to spend time with family and friends during the break, I know it is best for me to stay here and work. I am hoping to get a head start on some work for the spring semester.

Morning refutes

After waking up to a chilly morning, though I did have the heat on some, and taking a nice warm shower, I stepped outside to grab Karzas water bowl to fill it for the day. I could not believe what I saw... it was frozen. I'm not talking about a little ice sheet on top of water but solid frozen, with a little water on the bottom. I couldn't believe it!

It makes me think about people ho live even colder conditions and those who like it, like Arlene Blum, whose book I am reading. I cannot imagine camping in snow; hell, I haven't even seen it and though I would like to attempt skiing, if it's going to be in weather like that, I think I'll pass. I just don't see what is nice about being so cold you don't want to move or so layered with clothing to stay warm you can't move. Perhaps my perception is skewed, but the humid tropics is sounding more and more tempting as the days go by. I think it would be wonderful to not have the temperature drop below 75 or 80 degrees Fahrenheit. Where one can enjoy the outdoors all year, not pining for them from inside a stuffy building.

Further words

It is not “human genius”
that makes us human, but an old love,
an old intelligence of the heart
we gather to us from the world,
from the creatures, from the angels
of inspiration from the dead-
an intelligence merely nonexistent
to those who do not have it, but
to those who have it more dear than life.
-Wendell Berry
excerpt from Some Further Words

Words of wisdom...

...especially for those of us in academia, struggling to stay afloat.... but it is true for everyone, everywhere.

Every man's life lies within the present; for the past is spent and done with, and the future is uncertain.
~ Marcus Aurelius

GERM party

On Friday, all the GERM (Geochemistry and Environmental Radioactivity Measurement) lab members and surrogate members gathered at Reide's house for a holiday party, basically an excuse to get together. Though I do not work in the lab I am considered a member having Reide as my advisor. The gathering was great and I had a blast. Not anything spectacular, just your beverage of choice, some quickly made spaghetti, garlic bread, and a not so shabby salad evening. Oh, but let us not forget the trampoline. Yes, a trampoline... it has been a long time since I have been on one and I was looking forward to the opportunity. It was cold that evening, but I was still eager to jump and had a very good time.

It was very pleasant to gather everyone together. We all get along and seem to enjoy eachother's company, which makes it even better. Many more pix were taken, though I have yet to see them, but perhaps a few will make it top the blog later on. All in all it was a very fun filled evening of slightly intoxicated chatting and non work related interaction. I will savor it until the next time.

"Associate with the noblest people you can find; read the best books; live with the mighty. But learn to be happy alone. Rely upon your own energies, and so do not wait for, or depend on other people."

~Thomas Davidson

Forshadowing future frosty fantasies

This morning I awoke to the radio saying it was a freezing 30 degrees outside. Since the heat had been on in my little apartment, I was quite toasty and was desperately trying to pull myself out of bed and wake up enough to get the day rolling. Eventually making it to the bathroom, I turned on the warm water and stepped into the shower. Upon stepping out, many minutes later, I was greeted by a groggy half asleep doggie. After greeting Karza with a good morning, I slowly got dressed.

When I stepped outside, to take Karza for our morning stroll around the block, I realized it was not that bad. I must have been layered appropriately. Then, the white blanket of frost caught my eye and I was mesmerized by how beautiful it was. The frost was lying pretty thick, covering just about everything that was standing still. I had run back instide and capture the moment. The white crystals sparkled effortlessly in the morning sun and I was sad to think they would soon be gone. However, it was exciting to think it may snow. I might be able to see snow..... finally! It made me realize how much I can't wait.

In addition to reading the book by Arlene Blum, seeing the beautiful fall leaves, and hiking up a small mountain in Hot Springs, and now I may get to see snow too... all in one year... it's so exciting.

I can't wait make my first snowball!

Oh what joys the mailman brings...

The other day, I was surprised upon opening my mailbox, for there were two packages waiting for me. It was wonderful to receive the gift from those who care for me. It made my day! The anticipation of their contents drove me to open them quickly and even more happily, I was overwhelmed with the joy that the people who sent the presents had taken the time to think of me... many miles away. One of the gifts was a book by Arlene Blum (if you click the pix, it should take you to her website). She was a pioneer in women's mountaineering during a time when climbing mountains was not what women did. This book is her story... of childhood struggles forming her determination to persevere against what others considered impossible and also make her place in the world. Even though I am bogged down with course work, the book is so well written and the story so intriguing, all I want to do is keep reading (I stayed up 'til midnight last night reading it and finally put the book down when my eyes would no longer stay open without assistance).

The two packages I received warmed my heart greatly and I was a little sad that I could thank those who sent them with a hug. That will have to come later. Thank-you very much! I hope in some way I reciprocate those wonderful feelings.

Serenity

of a washing machine......

So, I am officially an adult... or so I feel. I recently purchased a used washer and dryer and am loving it. My most gracious neighbour recruited some friends to help me pick it up and unload it. After I finally got it hooked up, having to exchange hoses a few times due to defects, the machines worked beautifully.

For some reason, this is a large step for, just below buying a house, signifying adulthood. Now, I have taken on responsibility and cared for myself for a long time. The events such as moving out of my mother's house, teaching myself how to cook, and recently moving to another state in which I did not know anyone did not ignite the feelings of adulthood. I have been considering buying a washer and dryer for a while now, because I calculated it out and it would be cheaper and much more time effective; however, I was still apprehensive, because it was such a big step, at least for me.

Unlike buying the washer and dryer, I am more than ready to buy a house. I spent hours last night pursuing those for sale here in Greenville. ThoughII am only going to be here 2.5 more years (wow! I can't believe it's been that long), I would much rather put money towards something that would have a return. It is a double bladed sword... because the houses that are close to campus are priced high or in a bad neighborhood. So, for now I dream of owning my own place and enjoy my little apartment. It's grown on me.... and having a good neighbor is great!

Giving thanks

While in Florida, over Thanksgiving break, I was treated to a concert with MOFRO and the Jacksonville Symphony Orchestra. At MOFRO's website, you can listen to about five of their songs. Imagine meshing their music with a full orchestra. Sounds a bit off, but it was very well done. It was not your usual show... it was a seated concert, though some daring individuals managed to make it out of their seats and enjoy the music moving thru their body.

We left in enough time, but apparently, there was also a football game that evening, so downtown was packed and they had roads blocked off. We did not understand why, until at intermission, perhaps so appropriately planned, a beautiful fireworks display ignited the sky. It made for a wonderful evening, I'd give it 5 sparklers.

Sabbath 1998 IX

What I fear most is despair
for the works and us; forever less
of beauty, silence, open air,
gratitude, unbidden happiness,
affection, unegotistical desire.

-Wendell Berry

Making Waves

For when does love become not worthwhile?
When the pain and hurt consume one’s mind?
Or is it infinite and filled with energy
the emotions shared though stifled in time.
When half of a couple is stagnant
and like a large boulder on flat ground
an impossible feat to move
is it time for the other half to move forward
and leave the love behind?
For it is comforting and so familiar
causing pain that becomes a comfort as well
like an family member that is accepted
who acts without consciousness
ignorant to the ripples
creating affects
impacting others.

Tumultuous Holidaze

It's almost Thanksgiving... I can't believe it. Time is going by so quickly. Tomorrow I will start the journey southward, to visit family and friends. Starting last night, I was vibrating exciting nrg, with thoughts of visiting those I care for. Though it may have been the coffee, ingested to keep me awake for a 3 hour class, starting at 6:30 p.m., the excitement lasted 'til midnight, when I was finally able to settle into slumberous comfort.

This intrigued me, possibly due to the fact that I have been thinking of how I took for granted, previously living a mere 75 miles from the place I grew up. This meager distance cowers in comparison to the almost 600 miles in which I now reside. How nice it would be to live closer and have the opportunity to bask in the love and affections of those who care for you. However, many of us have recently moved to here and are feeling similarly.

Still I ponder, is this yearning and excitement a mere inflation of the true feelings I am having for the place I think of so fondly? Perhaps I should seek council in the other new transplants pursuing the similar arduous path. Others within the clan of those I hold dear have journeyed far from the place they call home and I've noticed there is not a common theme in conversations of this topic, though it is possible this is simply not mentioned in the brief, intermittent telephone connections.

None the less, I will enjoy the excitement, since it will not be relived for another long period. Even if it is inflated, leaving room for much disappointment, these are emotions are simply realizations that I am alive and even more so living. That statement moves us onto a different topic, one which I have addressed before and will probably mention again in the future, but not now.

I hope we all enjoy these tumultuous holidaze, the pleasurable events and saddening ones as well. As all other moments, they will not come again.

---

You see well chances are given
Only once
         -Xavier Rudd

NPR blurb

Love is not about loosing your freedom...
it's about giving it a meaning.

Wonderful words!

What is it about words that is so titilizing. A person who knows how to communicate and can use words cunningly, is an artist. I find the use of words to be delightfully fulfilling. There are so many things I would like to have the extra time to accomplish, including:

   1. Writing various papers on significant environmental
       topics.... ah there are so many to choose from.
   2. Making a shower curtain for the bathroom.
   3. Growing various plant life.
   4. CLEANING my home
   5. Cleaning out the truck
   6. Hiking and camping in the mountains

That list is prolly more for me, but oh well. It would be wonderful is the weekends were a few days longer and the days were a few hours longer. We could accomplish all we wanted... or at least a larger portion.

So, on to the next task.. a 3 hour class.

Weekend in hot springs

This past weekend was great! A group of us (Ari,Kat, Anna, Matthew, and myself) traveled six or more hours west to gawk, or maybe it was only me, at the beautiful colorful leaves lining the hills and mountainsides. I've been wanting to make it over to the mountains for awhile now, but haphazardly we out this trip together and headed out Friday afternoon. Unfortunately, the car I was in didn't make it there until way past dark, but it was a wonderful surprise to wale-up to bountifully colored trees. Since the drive was so far, we only had Saturday to explore, in which we hiked along 2 trails. One was up the side of a mountain and the other was along a river. The weather was fantastic and I was not even cold. We also managed to hit the peak color change in leaves it seems also.

fall colors


campsite view 1


campsite view 2


trail view


mountain dog


stand by me flashbacks


Ari, Kat, and Matthew

Needless to say,I much enjoyed it and hope to make it over sometime soon. Since the weather will be turning much colder soon, it will prolly not be until spring.

Distracting thoughts

The more I think about it, the more I simply want to live on a few acres, in my wooden shed and have a garden. Driving out around the cotton fields, there are so many houses that are boarded up, not being used. It makes me sad to see these old wooden farm houses desolate, like an exoskeleton of a deceased creature. Like an abandoned dog, I want to love these houses and give them a family, allowing them to glow.

Ah... but now I am held up in the office, far from a small farm house to call home. Maybe someday, it will all come together.... the small house, orchard, garden, and chickens.

This past weekend was nice, especially after having so much due the past few weeks. I almost didn't know what to do, having just taken 2 tests and finishing a paper, but that was readily solved. It was a fun, playful weekend. Went to Goose Creek State Park, and volunteered for the first time. It was wonderful to be able to do something helpful, though it was merely cleaning up the shoreline and trail maintenance. However, I am not complaining by any means; I really enjoyed it and was even able to take a few shots.

Greenville is surrounded by rural farmlands growing a small variety of crops. When I arrived in North Carolina, during mid-summer, there were corn, soy beans, and tobacco fields all over. Now there are cotton, some oat looking plant (I've yet to figure out what), and another small mystery crop covering the fields. The cotton plant is really interesting. It flowers or fruits, I'm not sure which one, cotton. It's so soft and they waste so much of it. We went by a few fields that had been harvested, and there was a large amount of cotton remaining. It is a shame the farmers leave so much unharvested. But it is more economical to use large machinery than have it hand picked. There is just so much left behind.

The cotton fields are very beautiful and it is a wonder there are not paintings and landscape photos of cotton fields. Perhaps some of our pictures will inspire someone....

hello.... goodbye...

This have been very hectic this past week and I am looking forward to Thursday. This past weekend I was unable to go to Shackelford Island as planned due to pressing coursework. However, at this point I have successfully taken of the two tests and finished a paper. I am pleased overall, at the moment, but there is still much work to be done.

So, I am sitting here at my favorite coffee shop, lured away from my studies to post a quick update and share these pictures. The flowers below were at a house near my apartment, which have since been butchered by the cold weather or the lawn care person. The sunrise photo was taken last week on a morning when I awoke early and while taking Karza for her morning walk, I was greeted with sun's beautiful rays. Every day the sky is gorgeous here, even on the overcast days, I wish I could share them all.

neighbour's flowers


morning sunrise

Today is a sad day. I awoke this morning to NPR as I do most every morning, and instead of hearing about the horribleness of a hurricane's wrath or the war in Iraq, they were informing everyone that Rosa Parks passed away. It was her time; she was 92 years old and though I was not alive when she so stubbornly and stoically created a small ripple that changed the United States forever, I feel some remorse that such a modest soul is no longer with us. I have held her in my thoughts and wish her well on her next journey. May she go on to be apart of even more revolutionary events.

Have computers and other technological gadgets become the pacifiers of adults? I offered this speculation to some undergraduate students, one of which was listening to an iPod at the time and did not appreciate my comment. The feelings I have toward my computer are similar to those of a small child and their blanket, pacifier, or in the case of a young lisa... my pillow.

In taking a short stroll through campus, individuals who are not listening to a music device or talking on a cell phone are few and far between.. they are almost an endangered species. We should save this species! Have fundraisers and concerts to aid in the protection of these individuals.

But seriously, I find it disheartening that people choose to not interact nor be present in their environment. If the environment is not conducive for their needs, due to loud traffic or obnoxious background noise, perhaps there are others that feel the same way and the environment should be modified. Modify the environment? What a dominantly human thing to say! However, the obnoxiousness of the environment normally is created by anthropogenic actions... those are the ones we should alter. I have yet to hear someone complain about the wind rustling the leaves on the trees or the rain musically tapping the ground.

There is so much to do that I am being propelled forward, when sometimes all I really want to do is enjoy moments of the past... time spent... stories shared.

However, the anticipation of moments to come partially motivate the forward movement. The pleasure of taking pride in one's work only occurs after hours of what seems like endless effort.

Independent coffee talk

Sitting here at the little coffee shop downtown, I can't help but wonder if they are going to be closing. Though I cannot bare to ask, for if that is so, I do not want to know the answer. It is the only coffee shop in town that is not a chain or restaurant and it's conveniently located in the downtown area, referred to here as 'uptown'. They are trying to refurbish the area but people don't seem to come down here. It's almost like business suicide.

The owner seems a bit down, but that may be sue to other circumstances. See, I come in often and purchase coffee, but rarely stay. They are familiar with me but no connection exists. Always on the run, with little time to stop and socialize, but I am here now, and it is empty... with good music playing in the background and the owner taking a smoke break out front... I dare to ask him.

Workng away....

Sometimes I wonder what it's all for. Each person has their own objective.... having a family and kids, idly working away the remainder of time here on earth, or trying to make some small contribution to the world. It's so easy to keep one's head down low, working away, meeting the immediate deadlines, but what about the overall picture? I think I see it sometimes... a glimmer here and there, and then I get a bad grade and it makes me so discouraged, thinking it was all in vain. There has to be something more to life than that... or at least that is what I keep telling myself.

Sometimes I just feel like an ant, whose missing out on the surrounding world.

Park Outings

About 30 minutes east of Greenville, there is state park with wonderful trails and cheap primitive campsites. Here are some pictures I took on a recent visit. Unfortunately, these pictures are not all that I brought back with me from the park. I also brought back tons of tiny ticks. I must have hit a tick bomb while hiking and did not know until much later.

Thankfully, the itching has finally subsided.... it only took a week. A few bites, I can handle, but when there are that many..... it's so uncomfortable. After half a week of not sleeping, I was introduced to a good friend Benadryl. We became close friends and soon rest arrived.

The park was beautiful though. The water was sparkling like gemstones. I filled out paperwork to start volunteering and will hopefully be doing so in the next few weeks. I'll let you know how the camping goes.

Staring thoughts

Last night, laying on the bed, I stared at the ceiling fan. The dust collected on the edges of the blades did not move. It was so still the shadow cast on the ceiling was perfect, blending into the popcorn pattern behind it. My eyes slowly moved across the room and I saw that everything was still. Nothing was moving... Then, I heard the rain, small water droplets pounding against the hard brick and cement outside the screen door. The sound of the rain, the sound of movement, contradicted the stillness of the room I was surrounded by. The only thing in the room moving was me, I realized. The rising and falling of my chest... breathing. I noticed my breathe began to shallow and it was as if I was trying to be still too. But then, unconsciously my rib cage expanded I inhaled a large breathe, a survival instinct. As my focus returned to water drops listening to the random symphonious sound, I realized... I am alive, I am living. Not by conscious action, but by instinct. Then my breathe began to shallow....

present state...hoping to pass

yet another sleepless night
not from worries
but from bites

a nature outing
now an itching fest
with upset sores spewing puss

a graphic image
yes i know
but to feel it
even more so

medicate,
i did last night
and sleep fell heavily
like a fogged high

hard to wake
still in a fog
because of benadryl
which worked so well

sleeping hard
not itching had
awakened slumbers
of the night past.

While biking

Tired and physically drained from not getting enough sleep the night before, I trudged up the 5th Street hill on the north side of campus. Warm, smooth, creamy latte in possession, and almost out of breathe, I looked to the right at the Liberal Arts building as if I was seeing it for the first time. Then, my thoughts quickly changed to the moment I had seen taken in the interesting view for the first time. It seems like ages ago but was not. When I had come up to interview for the grad position, I later accepted, it was one of the few buildings I remembered in the blur of the visit. The air was crisp and cold, and we took a few pictures before heading back south.

This led me to think of how I have been here 4 months now, and it still feels new and foreign. This is not a bad feeling, it's just that it makes me wonder if I will ever feel apart of this place. My home is here, in my humble abode and that feels familiar and I thought I would finally have a 'home', a place I have not felt in a long time. Yet, it makes me wonder..... if that will ever happen.

Sometimes I think I may be afraid. It seems that which we yearn for, we are also scared of. However, I think this is different, but at the same time, I do not feel I will ever have that same feeling. Maybe 'home' is simply a concept that does not exist as I have imagined?

Morning market moments

After staying up too late printing the maps for the crew leaving Monday, I tried to go to bed early so as to make it to the Farmer's Market this morning. All the asking and searching around paid off when, a few weeks ago, I stumbled upon a farmer's market hidden on the southern apart of town.

It was nice to see the fresh vegetables in baskets and they even had eggs. I purchased a carton of small eggs for $1, ah... fresh eggs. I can't wait to have chickens on some property and collect fresh eggs and watch little chicks hatch. There was also a woman selling hot tamales and turnovers. I bought an apple one and a sweet potatoe with pecan and coconut one. The apple one was good, I'm eating that with my coffee,as this is being typed, and the sweet potatoe one I am saving for later.

There were not as many vendors as at the Raleigh Farmer's Market, pictured to the right. I stopped there when I went over a few weeks ago for work. It was the middle of the week, but there were lots of vendors, vegetables, and flowers for sale.

Thanx

Thank-you all for the wonderful birthday wishes. It made me feel very loved and I appreciated it very much. Hope all is going well with everyone. Things have been very busy lately with the meeting on the 19th and 20th. Most of the crew is heading out on a 2 week research cruise soon and I've been busy making maps for the trip. I really want to go but missing 2 weeks of classes after just having missed about a week, does not seem like a good idea. Reide tells me tonight that they may have a bunk open though, if I still would like to go..... I think he just likes to give me a hard time, know how badly I want to go.

Just wanted to let you all know I really appreciated the birthday wishes and will hopefully be updating this blog soon.

Nighttime fun

So.... last night I got to go see a show.... in an awesome little venue.... over in Chapel Hill. Who was it I ventured almost two hours to see???? Well, Mike Doughty, of course. Being that I cannot remember what the last concert I went to was, aside from Bonnaroo, I was stoked to be going. It was arranged suddenly, all within the afternoon before leaving, but I'm happy I go tot go.

Though I was not able to see Soul Coughing, this was highly enjoyable. Mike Doughty has been doing more acoustic stuff solo, which is pretty good. I had a copy of a live show he did and bring there last night was like I was at that show.

The venue is called Cat's Cradle and is this awesome little place. I felt like I should go and sit down up front for story time, like I was in preschool. When we got there, there were two guys on stage, one singing and playing guitar and one playing keyboards. He was pretty good but it seemed like he was all over the place with his style, which can be a good thing, but it made me wonder if he was still finding his and imitating others in the mean time. There were free CDs of his music available.

Cat's Cradle has some good shows coming up, including Death Cab for Cutie, which I was thinking about heading back over for. So... if you wanna join me, head up, down, or over and we can go together.

upon the rails
among the weeds
i had a moment of
serenity ...MD

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's wonderful how within one day someone can emotionally go full circle and end up higher than when they started. What is even better is when it lasts over to the next day.

One day, soon hopefully, I will be able to fully concede to life's occurrences and not endure, but embrace life's painfulness and delightfulness; because even in the most painful moments, there is something beautiful about it.

Perhaps it is simply that we are alive
or that we can feel.

A loss doesn't hurt
unless you've been touched.

For pains of sorrow
stem from love.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes spinning in circles just seems like the right thing to do.

Goings on...

The weekend has arrived and I am feeling the blissfulness of Friday. Moods have been changing from one extreme to another recently. It's quite a ride and though I would like to get off every now and then, the anticipation of the unknown keeps me going.

When I stop and think about it, I am pretty much behind in work and my hobbies, like updating this blog, but the courseworkis good, as far as I know. On top of trying to figure out how to manage taking 2 weeks off of course work, for a research cruise I was invited to go on, and desperately want to do, tomorrow morning Ari and I are leaving to head over to the OBX to collect data at her 2 field sites. What more could one ask to do for thier weekend?

I'm very excited, which usually happens when I get to do field work, and I am familiar with her sites and what she we are going to be doing. The best part is that we are going to be camping at Cape Hatteras National Seashore. This means I get to visit the lighthouse, YIPEE!!! Last time, we didn't go; so this time, I'm definately doing it. On top of all that, Karza is coming, which makes it even better. I enjoy taking her places, and she loves to go wherever. Hopefully, I will be able to post a few pix.

Lullings

He roams my thoughts,
randomly appears.
Triggering emotions,
to which I succumb.

Legs become weak,
arms begin to shake.
Not through joy,
but anger and hate.

Left feeling weak,
composure lost.
I pick myself up,
and try to move on.

Surfacing...

No, No, No,
I cannot play.
No, not with you.
No, not today.

Yes, I want to.
It would be fun,
but I have another
I am thinking of.

Disgruntled citizens unite!

In case you have read this, you should! I am not a huge fan, but there are somethings I agree with him on and this is one of them!

Feelings & Rantings

So recently, the fall semester of classes has started.... Though I have been out of the course load for a time, I did not think it would take that much to ease myself back into it. Well, I was right but, I am having trouble juggling work as well. I want to concentrate solely on the course work.

Also, I feel like I am constantly grasping to try and keep up. I feel like things are getting away from me and there are not enough hours in the day. Like this blog, for instance, I have some pix and things waiting to be put up for a few weeks now, but because they are not a priority, they get pushed aside. The only thing is, this blog is kinda like one of my hobbies.

Perhaps that is the problem, I have too many hobbies... too many things I'm interested in and want to put my nrgs into. Unfortunately, I have a feeling that this is just the beginning.....

It also makes me think... when am I going to be able to share my life with someone and embrace theirs, when I don't feel like I am handling mine well? Perhaps that is why I have not met someone... but I think it is because I am trying to coerce my heart, which is throwing a temper tantrum and refuses to move on.

Disrupting feelings

It was a beautiful afternoon. The air was crisp and light in humidity. As the breeze swept through the small apartment, I thought of those who spoke so fondly of the North Carolina weather.

The weekend had been productive, mostly spent studying and reading up so as not to get behind. Though I had wanted to get away for the holiday weekend and explore the foothills of the mountains, it seemed better to stay and concentrate on school. Gas has become a more precious commodity than before and it did not seem worthwhile to consume so much. So, those plans were put off until fall break in mid October.

Sitting at the newly acquired used kitchen table, enjoying the breeze and studying statistics, a feeling overwhelmed me. It was so strong, it was amazing to feel so weak in a matter of seconds. If I would have not been sitting, I would have fallen to the floor. My arms began to shake and I felt sick to my stomach, wanting to vomit, but so scared at the same time. It came on strong and quick, like no other energy moved before. Only one person entered my thoughts and my first instinct was to ring him, but then I thought it may be because he was doing something and I should not interrupt. However, the self control was not enough and so I called.

"Hi." I hear on the other end of the phone, slightly surprised and happy to hear from me, "How are you?"

"I'm fine", I reply, "how are you though?"

"Oh, I'm fine, I was just...."

Apparently, nothing had happened... as of yet. What was interesting to me was that I did not feel he was in danger, it was not one of those types of cautious feelings; I felt as though he had moved on, that he had kissed someone... someone else. It seemed that that was what those feelings were about, but they were much more than jealousy. There was something more there...

The norm

I've noticed that since I've moved here, for some reason feeling like an outsider isn't that bad. It seems to be alright, somewhat comforting even. However, in Florida, it was not. I started extrapolating on this thought and asking why?

Why is it ok here, but not there? From what I could come up with it was because I seem to have a relationship, or at least the illusion of one with the place from which I came. It is as though I was birthed from there, where yes I was and I remained there for my entire non-adult life, but I am not the genetic make up of that area... I am human, though others there are human, they come from foreign places. Foreign to the area, so therefore I should not base my un-normal behavior on such peoples.

So, what happens when there is a continuous influx of people? The norm changes and so, my peoples are gone. However, I think I will find them again, in a different form. As life has changed me, it has changed them too.

The Raleigh realization

Sitting in the grass, blanketed with pine needles, listening to the faint sound of the city... the hypocrisy settles in. A small town girl, in awe of the large city, I stare at the large buildings and meticulously organized layout of roads, walkways, and structures. Just a few days ago I was ranting about the destructiveness that humans cause, but what I failed to address was the beauty that can be created from the destructiveness..

What is beautiful about a downtown area converted from natural forest or some other wonder that no longer exists there? It is the beauty of variation in architectural design and the ordered pattern of one way streets and underground garages created by planners, which culminate into a place of work, education, pleasure, and other activities for the human race. It is why people are in love with metropolitan cities.

Similar to a forest or natural spring, cities consist of large scale interconnected relationships. However, unlike a forest, these relationships all directly benefit humans and no other. Yet, sitting here, I have the same humbling feeling. The feeling that if I was not here, everything would go on with little adjustment. It is the humbleness of standing alone in the middle of a forest and realizing that you are just a minor fraction of something grandiose, something much larger than you.

For some reason, I find comfort in this, both in the city and in the places untouched by human development.

You've got to check this out!

Not all hope is lost...

Upon sitting, staring blankly at the computer screen, I decided it was a good idea to take a little stroll to the downtown area and get a not so great cup of coffee, from a tea shop. Note: the teas shop has wonderful teas but coffee is not their specialty and the coffee shop next door closed during the summer and so to satiate the coffee drinkers, they started brewing very strong coffee, but no expresso drinks. In passing a bakery, that had been mentioned previously in passing conversation, I decided to enter and see what they had to offer.

The store front is not much to speak of, but their goods look delicious and well priced as well, not hiked up as in most coffee shops. In conversing with the gentlemen at the counter, I learn that they are looking into having acoustic music on Wednesday evenings, he and the owner are in an acoustic group, and are also looking to purchase an expresso machine. Sounds like there is my new favorite hang-out.

However, I continue my venture and notice that the coffee shop that was closed is now reopened with a new name. They have free wireless internet, will have music, movie nights, and even good coffee. Java City has not yet succeeded in taking over.

In talking to the gentleman at Upper Crust, the bakery, he also mentioned that some places are currently being renovated, because they are trying to give the downtown area a face lift and bring in more business, and are going to be having live music.

So, it looks like things here are not going to be as desolate and unexciting after all. At least I will have a few places to go... aside from my little abode. Though Java Lounge, in Gainesville, closed recently prospects here look good.

It's all just fun and games.....

Humans are ever puzzling creatures.

While enjoying a friendly game of bowling last night, I took a few moments to look around and observe the situation. Seeing these oddly put together organisms grasping these brightly coloured round objects, proceeding to approach a line, and then hurl the brightly coloured round object down a narrow floor with a divet on each side, so it can collide with plastic white somewhat hour-glass shaped objects at the other end. The brightly coloured round object is then mechanically sent back to the human and they do it again, and again, and again....

When did this action come about and how did it get incorporated into human ways? Primal peoples would be more concerned with survival and the things connected to it. So, in my opinion, it goes back to the time when humans were no longer hunter gatherers and began to harness their farming capabilities. This event was drastic in human culture because nature and the earth was not something a human lived in and with, but something they controlled and manipulated. It started the disconnection of humans and their environment.

Once humans improved in their farming practices, it freed up time. Because humans were able to decimate the predator population, they were not concerned if they were going to be eaten or killed in any way. Humans then had time to use their intellect developing games and entertaining ways to pass the time.

Over time, society has become consumed with the concept and that is what humans live for. They work to make money to do the things they enjoy, because most of the time, they do not enjoy their work. It has become a means to an end. Some people struggle... to incorporate their work and their life into something meaningful to them and it is their contribution to the world. However, that is not the perception held by the majority of humans today. The fixation to be entertained and consume is driving the human population further from their origin, further from the earth, further from their home.

Just think if each human only possessed what they needed to survive, how much more of the environment would exist that is currently covered in asphalt, trash, and unused items.

Weekend ventures

The weekend adventure had to be something quick and close by, because the large comprehensive test is approaching and much studying is still needed. That being said, and still feelin' the urge to explore, I set out to visit the historic town of Washington.

Washington, is only about 20-30 minutes down SR 264, on the Tar-Pamlico River.The downtown area is wuite nice, it reminded me of historic 5-points in Jacksonville, but still a functioning part of the part and not just a hang-out for lost adolescents and young adults. Let me state that the last time I went to 5-points, I was one of those adolescent/young adults, with a lot of time to waste. So, if it is different now, I apologize.

Anyway, the downtown area was rather large and most of the building were in use, not like here in Greenville, where they are trying to revitalize the downtown, but residents would rather shoppe at the commercial chains detrimental to locally owned stores.

Stepping away from the soapbox now....

The town was nice. Being right on the river, they have a well kept dock area and a good amount of public parking. Because I went on a Sunday morning, most of the stores were closed. There were a few that would like to go back and visit. As I was leaving, tucked away down one of the streets was a small Panaderia [spanish bakery]. I can't wait to go back and visit that; their pastries are oh so good!

YIPEE!!!!! Field Trip

In a meeting, about a month or so ago, the people involved in project I'm working on, referred to from now on as the NOAA project for simplicity, gathered to discuss possible sites along the study the area, the Neuse Estuary.

During the meeting it was agreed to try and have a meeting with the other 2 groups; there are 3 groups total working on this NOAA project. NOAA funded three research projects looking at different aspects of sea-level rise effects on estuarine shorelines. The purpose of the meeting is to see if the three groups want to try and have a common site so that when all the data is collected and the models merged, there will be one commonality within the three.

Ok, everyone set aside two sets of dates to try and coordinate with the other groups. After one of the dates was set, it was proposed to use the other dates to have a field trip to check out the proposed areas. Once the date of the meeting was set, this seemed to fall by the waste side, but I did not forget and brought it up a few weeks ago. Upon inquiring about a possible field excursion, I was told if I wanted to organize it, it could happen.

Needless to say, I was a bit apprehensive.. organizing an excursion and trying to coordinate something involving people I have yet to meet was a bit intimidating. However, I was able to get a grip and everything ended up working out well. In the beginning, it seemed that a few of the small group were not going to be able to make it; however, everyone ended up being able to go.

It was great to finally get to see the areas up close. Looking at them on a computer screen is nothing compared to being there in person. Though many people do not like marsh and think they are worthless, they are very beautiful. I had never taken so many pix of marsh in my life.

Here are my two advisors. JP on the left, he is the GIS guy and has done a lot of sediment movement research. Reide is my main advisor, on the right. He is a chemical oceanographer and had to go out on a cruise that morning and joined us later in the afternoon.

Ah,the synthesis of biology and geology... who would have thought?

It was amazing to see the difference between the bulkheaded areas and those that have naturally been able to recede. Whoever said marshes were not beautiful? They didn't know what they were talking about.

What is weird for me, is that this area is protected by the barrier islands and therefore is only worked and reworked by large storms. The pocket sediment bank beaches is not from erosion of the land, but from deposition by storms carrying sand inward from the barrier islands. It's hard to not think of the area, so close to the ocean, not having tidal fluctuations.

The perfect ending to a hard days work!

The most beautiful and most profound experience is the sensation of the mystical. It is the sower of all true science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead. To know that what is impenetrable to us really exists, manifesting itself as the highest wisdom and the most radiant beauty which our dull faculties can comprehend only in their primitive forms - this knowledge, this feeling is at the center of true religiousness.

( Albert Einstein - The Merging of Spirit and Science)

Outings and explorations

So, I decided to do a bit of exploring... and hit the beach while I was at it. I just can't stay away....

Down the road from Atlantic beach, the closest ocean beach, is Fort Macon. Being that it was built between 1826-1834, it is in great shape, compared to the Castillo de San Marco. However, the Castillo is 300 years older, made of coquina, and endured many years of salt water weathering. Fort Macon is built with brick and though is located on an inlet, I do not think it had a moat. There is a draw bridge, but the area on the outside of what would be a moat is full of entrances and windows into rooms.

The fort sits on a hill at the northern end of a barrier island. It looks out into the ocean (east), to the inlet (north), and to the intercoastal waterway (west). The island is not very wide and one could walk from side to side in a matter of minutes. The center of the fort is somewhat tear-dropped shaped.

The lighting was beautiful! I had a wonderful time taking many many pictures. In am not quite sure how to describe the fort, perhaps colonial, but definitely not spanish style, though the archways were rather low.
Aside from the center building of the fort, the other rooms and areas were mostly under the earth, but faced out toward the center building. This was the only lighting coming in, and it was very beautiful.

The fort would have been great for a childhood, or adult for that matter, game of hide and seek, especially at night. My little kid was having a great time. Though there were a few times when I was not able to see into some areas and got a wee bit of a creepy feeling...

I like this one... I think it's because you cannot quite make out the detail, like an oil painting.