Was it a dream?

She awakes this morning, disoriented... was last night a dream? As she looks at the clock, she remembers her appointment is earlier and she does not have much time. She scrambles about her apartment, trying to focus on what’s needed for the day... all the while wondering, was it a dream?

Successfully clothed and everything in order, she speeds off. Things are moving like clockwork. With little time to spare, she makes it to her appointment on time... just to sit and wait. Still in a haze, she checks the accumulated messages on her phone from the night before. She hears his voice and thoughts rest.... is was not a dream.

Smiling, she snickers at how unexpected the evening played out. Meetings such as these though once semi frequent in the past have become scarce. She smiles, thankful. Thankful to share conversation, embrace, and something so comforting... to talk, laugh, question, and listen to another’s story.

A night that could not have been spent more positively, for those moments are what living encompasses.

Fun in the sun

This past weekend Dave and I headed out to the Tar River to paddle about. The weather was perfect, the sun shone brightly allowing my pale skin to feel the warm rays. It was the first time I'd taken the kayak out, since I'd moved up here last June... almost a year ago. It's amazing how time flies by.

We drove up river and put the kayaks in at Faulklin, a small town west of Greenville. From there it was eight natuical miles to the Town Commons, where we planned to pull out. Slowly we crept down the river, taking the scenery and inspecting the shoreline along the river edge. Not long into the paddle, we paddled into one side creek, it was so quiet and peaceful, reminded me of a place alligators would love to linger. Though we wanted to continue up the creek, we realized we were a mere 10% down the river stretch. So, we continued on. Farther down river, we stopped at a point bar on the river were the river meanders and sediment is deposited on one side. It was nice to get out and stretch our legs, take a bathroom break and enjoy the view. It was a pleasant venture and I look forward to many more.

What was still is

Reading over a friend's blog this morning, he was discussing those friendships that are made during the impressional highschool years and how they those people know you more than others who meet you in your adult years. This is something have been noticing as well. It seemed that people we meet now in our twenty-something years, never quite know you as well as those you knew when you were younger.

This post prompted some reflection and what even cemented it was when I went to the Triple J website to plug into some music and get started working. In reviewing their selection, I saw a recent NOFX mixed tape. An excitement quickly ran through me, as NOFX was my absolute favorite band throughout highschool and beyond. I still enjoy them today, though not the same extent. Let's just say that while in highshool, those who knew who NOFX was were much cooler in my book compared to those who didn't. Anyway, I plugged in and have been traveling through various memories of the past.

I often think of those whom I no longer keep in touch with, and it saddens me. We grow apart, that is life. I am thankful for those who have stayed in touch and just hope everyone is doing well and happy. Perhaps we will meet again someday.

Weekend events

This weekend has been pleasant. It seems as though a lot has happened, yet not really. After volunteering at a memorial ride for a girl who was killed while biking by a negligent driver, a group of us headed over to the beach to set up camp and see a few shows at a free music festival in Beaufort, pronounced 'bo-fort' here in North Carolina.

We set up two tents right on the beach at a place names Squatter's Campground. It has a few tent sites, RV sites, and some permanent trailers that are rented out. Granted it wasn't the most rustic, not pristine place, but we were just going to crash and waking to sound of the ocean waves crashing on the shore wasn't too bad.

Originally, I had planned on getting up to see the sun rise, but having not slept much the night before, I was relunctant to wake to watch the sun rise over the water. The moon has been becoming more full and although it was not a full moon, it looked beautiful over the ocean last night.

We arrived just in time to hit the facilities and watch Maxwell Mosher play. They were members of the Squirrel Nut Zippers and play similar swingesk sounding music. It reminded me of how I'd like to learn to swing dance. The show was good and it was a great place to people watch. The little kids had the dance floor. After Maxwell Mosher,the Avett Brothers were scheduled to play. People started gathering infront of the stage before the show started. The crowd was eager, but patient, which was a good thing because there were technical difficulties initially and their instruments were not keeping up well throughout the show.

However, the show was great and everyone had a good time. Even though they are touring for their new album, Four Thieves Gone, they played a nice mix of old and new songs. It is so refreshing to enjoy music with people, in a crowd, and not worry about getting burned from someone whose drunk and cannot keep up with their cigarette or reeking of alcohol from spilt beer. Everyone seemed to enjoy the music and the two people in our group who had not seen or heard them before, really liked the music.




We retired to our campsite, after grabbing a bite to eat and I quickly fell into slumber. It was a fun day. This morning after finally getting out of bed, I realized how the beach lifestyle, the laid back lifestyle within I grew up and which I yearn for year after year, is so beautifully simple. It's not about what new thing you need or how big your house is. It's about being happy and getting by. The night before, at the festival, people were out with their kids eating and drinking, I was great. You don't get a babysitter everytime you want to go out and your job isn't a separate entity; it's not compartmentalized. One's work is their life, and their life, their work. It just makes more sense to me and is something I miss so dearly.

Memory is a wonderful thing
if you don't have to deal with the past.
~Celine, Before Sunset

oh, tell me please,
that i don’t have to read
between the lines.

hey, this is me,
u don’t have to keep
something heavy on your mind.

did u sleep?
not a wink.

well, neither did i.

i’ve never been
too good at reading in
b/t the lines.

so, babe spell it out,
but u don’t have to shout
when you’re talking to me.

do u care?
do u care?

are u there?
well neither am i.

don’t lock you’re door,
everyone is poor
between the lines.

and i could never steal
the saddness that u feel
when you’re changing your mind.

oh my dear,
can you hear?

well neither can i......

i wanna live
and i want you to live
happy and free.

but i don’t know how
to separate the now
from what used to be

will you sleep?
not a wink.

well, neither will i.

           ~Avett Brothers

Movie madness

Lately, I have been almost to the point of obsessed with the Richard Linklater films, Before Sunrise and Before Sunset. I am not normally so not care much for the romantic mooshie movies and perhaps it is my current heart broken state that is reinforcing such entertainment, but I have watched those movies repeatedly in the past week.

I had seen Before Sunset previously and enjoyed it, but not enough to watch it over again. However, for some reason it seems to encompass something familiar and perhaps hopeful. Although I cannot identify with either one of the characters fully, there is something about each of them that I see within myself. The pain that they each endured over the years they were apart, finally to be reunited.

I know it's a sappy love story and maybe I am projecting too much of my life on a fictional story or I am hoping my reality mimics that which is carried out on screen. Who knows, all I know is that even though I am sad when either one of the films end, it leaves me with something hopeful.

They are a good watch. Kinda slow, only two characters, played by Ethan Hawk and Julie Delpy. It is the realisticness of it that keeps me coming back.

I feel drawn to my blog today, as if there is something I want to express. Yet, every time I come.... there is nothing to be said. It is as though there is something trying to get out, it just is not quite ready, like a small child looking into a swimming pool who wants to jump in, but just cannot make himself do it. I do not know where the restraint comes from or what it is that is trying to be released, but I feel as though I am waiting for for someone to open the dam and let the water run free. Perhaps it is I who will trigger the release, just not now.

Maybe it is part of what is to come this summer. I have been feeling as though something good is going to happen. I do not know if this because I desperately need the positiveness in my life or because something truely grand is going to occur. Maybe it is a desperate attempt to turn my hopes into reality because I cannot handle anymore sh*t, but I would like to think more of the later in that I am anticipating what has yet to occur.

Regardless, what is, is and what will be, will be. More than anything I hope that I make choices I will not later regret, cause as little pain and disruption on others as possible, become closer to those I care about, who feel so far away, and am open to all that is to come without a bittered perspective from unrelated baggage.

Fortune

Strong and bitter words indicate a weak cause.

Wetlands controversy

Listening to NPR this morning, they were discussing the cause of wetlands degeneration in Louisiana. Scientists have deduced that the oil and gas industry are the culprits because they dug canals that essentially killed the wetlands, but they were dug decades ago legally. Although the wetlands were identified by the Army Core of Engineers as important ecologically and financially.

So, the blame to placed on the oil and gas industry and the bill to replenish the wetlands is being placed on them. These wetlands protect the Louisiana coastline and there are oil and gas pipes within the coastline. The loss of these coastlines will not only lead to increased damaged along the coastline, but also disrupt the oil and gas production, if the pipes were damaged.

Who will foot the bill? Perhaps instead of trying to manipulate the coastline yet again, we should let it regenerate on its own. Yes, this may cause damage from high energy storms, but let the oil and gas industry be responsibly for their pipes and let the coastline naturally regenerate. Filling in the canals would aid in the wetlands regeneration, but may not be cost effective.

Ah... the relief starts to percolate and settles in as her muscles, tight from stress and anxiety for the past few months, begin to relax. The relaxation is almost trance-like and she feels on the verge of slumber, a slight sleepiness glazes over her eyes.

She is relieved, the termination of a hectic and stressful time, but hesitant to begin what is now necessary. It was the end of a new beginning and she feels exhausted, drained from the process. Emotional and physical stress, her body does not deal well... and the result is utter exhaustion.

However, the tasks do not subside and in order to achieve that which she desires most, time with those she loves, she must continue on. Desiring to escape, she thinks of the future and what has yet to come.

A response to questions unasked

A day to day conversation of common small talk is not something I am able to afford you. The pain you have caused now runs deep and is not due solely to our break up. Being ostracized, as I have conveyed multiple times, is an extremely hurtful action, especially under the conditions with which your friendship was needed.

If you do not want to cause pain, then why do you? It is not necessary, just as the false proclamations of affection that once flowed freely from your lips. I denounce them as false, because it is the only way you could move so easily on.

Perhaps we should take a step back. What is your definition of a friend and why now is it important to you?