Researching on the water

Watching the sunrise this morning was so beautiful, coming back into port was a sad moment. The past four days being out at sea on a research cruise was wonderful and surprisingly, it wasn't because I learned a great deal; it was simply because we were out on the water.

It was an educational experience and there were a few new faces, which is always nice. We worked hour shifts and there were three shifts per day. I worked the 8 p.m. to 4 a.m. During the cruise we were collecting data using a side-scan sonar multibeam system and chirp, mapping the seafloor bottom and sediments underlying it. Additionally, we collected some water samples at varying depths using a CTD, which holds cartridges that are fired off at varying depths and collect conductivity, temperature, and depth readings.

Being surrounded by water, watching the sun rise and set, felt so right. Making coming back feel so sad. It was a wonderful experience and I'm very happy to have been able to participate. I hope another experience comes along soon.

Between sunrise and sunset, what have you done?

The stress of surviving often clouds the act of living. I have posted on the difference between surviving and living before and yet again, it comes 'round. As the years pass and I become more aware that I am not just an adult but am immersed in adulthood, I question what that means and why the turbulent times seem to be harder to deal with.

Are they becoming more strenuous or am I simply becoming less equipped to deal? Logically it seems over the years and events that roll in and through, one would become more accustomed to dealing with life's ups and downs, but for some reason, that doesn't seem to be the case lately. I want to settle on the events are getting harder.

If that is the case, when do we hit the threshold... the learning curve. Don't get me wrong, I love to learn and grow, but sometimes, when it comes to emotional bullsh*t a person can only take so much. It explains why people are so hard and bittered. Then there are those who have just given up and operate in a blissful existence. How do they not care? How can one live within a society and not be affected by it? This is a topic that I have yet to understand.

How does one live in society, but not be apart of it? It seems against human nature. Humans are social animals. I feel I am diverging from the topic at hand, which occurs quite frequently. So in returning to the topic I ask, as we get older is life about making it thru a day at work, looking to the future for satisfaction, and hoping that you are the one that is not diagnosed with cancer?

Because if that is the case, I'd rather exit now. I tell myself it's not, but sometimes when I stop and think about it, I wonder if it's a lie. I do believe life is a matter of perception and I try to look on the positive side; that seems to begetting smaller and smaller as my time here becomes longer.

I wish this time would pass.

However, there is too much to get accomplished in the meantime. I just wish I could get outa this funk. I feel like I'm sad and depressed and bringing others down. Don't blame them, I wouldn't want to be around me right now.

Just don't get it. I keep trying to tell myself it's b/c I need to get away and I haven't done so in a long time. But, I do not think that encompasses the melancholy state I'm in. Whatever it is, it needs to go. This is the 21st century, people don't have time for that kinda sh*t. We have things to do and tasks to be stressed about... I mean, really!

So,there is no specific point to this post, perhaps it is a cry for help. At this point I think the only thing that will help me is time. More of it and for it to go by quicker would be a nice start.

Hell, I'm going to be 27 this year and don't have a clue as to what I'm doing... how's that for uplifting. Yeah, I got a ton of them.

Thoughts of your well being

To hear your voice
and know you're well
would settle my nerves
put my mind at ease.

Hearing ventures
with other girls
stifles breath
and pains my heart.

That time will come
and sad I'll be
but it is better now
to be free.

The road is harder
without support
and your kind eyes
to lift me up.

Your embrace
I will miss
the safety of your arms
from all that is wrong.

I wish you the best
and hope time will heal
the pain and loss
of one's first love.

Costly coats

So, I just bought a winter coat and boy was it pricey; it was even marked down 40%. I've been looking for awhile now and thought I would catch the after winter sales. However, one must be more on top of things aparently, b/c not everyone marks their stuff down at the same time and I was finding I had waited too long. Thankfully, when I went to buy ear plugs at Overton's, an outdoorish type store in town, I rechecked their sale rack and found one that fit ok and had a feece/down jacket layer that can also be worn separately, which was what I have been looking for. It was $$$ though. I can't imagine growing up in the north and/or having to buy coats for kids, who outgrow them every year.... that would be horrible. It's not a nice jacket, in that I couldn't wear it to a dinner party, but I'm hoping to get a lot of use out of it in the future.

So, after a break up... when does one's life become theirs again?

It seems like it would be easier considering it was a long distance relationship and perhaps it is but where ever I go I am haunted by memories. Being that we were not able to spend much time together, granted there are not very many memories... yet it makes me wonder if I want to include someone in my life... to only be haunted by those instances later.

Perhaps I sound a bit bitter, after all the topic of this post does not represent the various feelings I have concerning the relationship nor the break-up. However, I can't help but keep thinking about it... being that I cannot focus on what I need to be focusing on, hell I have all the time in the world to entertain such thoughts.

I mean, let's put aside the fact that even though I feel like I'm eighteen, I am going to be 27 this year and like an eighteen year old, I have no idea what the f*ck I want to do. Granted the years have supplied me with some ideas, but as for what is realistic... dunno.

When I was younger, I wanted to have kids young and perhaps that was because it was all knew at the time, but now everyone seems to be having kids left and right and I so do not feel compelled to have one. At this point in my life, I could not be a good mother... I don't even have enough time for Karza, and she doesn't need a lot of attention. Regardless, I'm pretty indifferent when it comes to having kids and as for right now, it's not like I'm with someone I'm dying to procreate with.

Which brings me back to my topic for this post. How do you get over a break-up? I missed those introduction sessions highschool and thought it was a good thing I didn't waste my time getting my heart broken when I really didn't know what the hell was going on. However, if I had entertained those things... would it make this all easier?

It doesn't really matter b/c things are as they are. What I want to do is sit with it and work through it. Not dwell, per se, but allow myself to be upset and so then when a memory hits, for instance as I'm walking out of the movie theatre of when 'we' went to see a film, I won't be on the verge of breaking down. Sh*t! I wore a t-shirt the other day with a smiley sunshine on it, to make me happy, and when someone commented on it, it was I could do to walk out of the room with out sobbing. That isn't healthy!?!

It's coming to the point where I'm starting to get frustrated with myself, b/c I'm not getting things done and that just isn't what I need right now. Although, I guess there never really is a good time to break-up. Some may be better than others, but this would have suxed regardless. I think I'm doing a good job at accepting it, better than before and maybe that's why... I've had practice, but not quite enough.

I guess what bothers me is that I want to include others in my life, but when it comes to romantic relationships, it's like it has this negative component that is absent with other relationships. Because when you are to break-up, those memories still linger forcing you see that you have failed. That even though you tried and tried, it wasn't enough and the result is the loss of that person.

That is what gets me the most.