wElL, iT's oFfIcIaL......

I am 29% Emo.

Hmm.. I should stop listening to Dashboard Confessional.... enough said... Now that I stopped looking at my shoes, I know how the real world looks.

Take the
Emo Test
@ FualiDotCom

Who the f*ck is Dashboard Confessional anyway? No really, I know I've heard of them but I have no idea what their music is like. It's weird, I read someone's who was 75% EMO and theirs sounded less than mine. Oh well...... it's the glasses.

Awaking lazily this morning, making a slow start, I was jossled upon looking at the clock and headed out the door for work. The weather has been nice, the past few days, now that it is starting to warm a bit. Ah... I can feel summer, it's on its way.... and I can't wait!

Driving to work this morning was somewhat of a blur. I don't really remember what was playing on NPR, probably something about Iraq or Bush and budget cuts. It has become white noise that I don't even hear it anymore. Perhaps it's because I don't want to hear it, because it makes me angry.

However, this morning I wasn't angry.... I felt nervous, anxious. As I rode my bike towards work I decided this was going to be a good day. My anxiousness was a good thing and I was going to have a wonderful day! After purchasing coffee and a muffin, I continued towards my work destination. Arriving to the lab, I started samples to continue on their way through the procedures and experiments being their destiny. Then, I jumped on the computer to check my email, a daily morning ritual. My nervousness increased as I see I had received an email from UCSB, one of the graduate schools I had applied. My breath stifled as I logged onto their network to check the status of my application. There it is radiating back at me..... denied. An active link led me to a generic letter, attempting to make me feel as though it wasn't just me they were rejecting but many others. That was supposed to make me feel better, I guess.... though I didn't understand why.

Thankfully, that was not the college I am desiring to go to. That college has yet to make their decision. As I sit here writing this now, my arms feel a bit shakey and the nervousness still persists, which brings me back to this being a good day. As I was thinking this originally, as I rode to the coffee shop, I wondered.... how is this going to be a good day? I could wake up every morning and think that. How would that change the activities of the day? Would it change my approach and reaction to the activities of the day? Would that make a difference? So, I have decided to test this hypothesis and see if it truly does make a difference, though I feel I already know the answer.

So, here is some music I have decided to obtain....

The list includes:
Golden Palominos
Fountains of Wayne
Future Soundtrack for America
Genocide in Sudan


In addition to the amazing American Astronaut DVD that has recently been released. It is phenomenal!!!

I awoke, somewhat startled, from sleep while cozily checking out the comforts of my new sleeping bag. It made me wonder why it is I yearn to be outdoors. It's not that I am trying to escape company, I often prefer it, actually, while exploring the wilderness. So, what is it then?

Perhaps it's an escape from society that I'm after. It's like entering a different world. A different world full of different rules. Rules that make sense and feel right. I think that's it... I'm trying to escape a place I have never felt comfortable and have yet to understand or abide by the rules, and place myself in a more conducive environment.

Maybe this is an idealistic thought. Considering I have to buy expensive camping gear to venture into the environment in which I feel so much more at home. I feel like a yuppie or that I am beginning to live a yuppie lifestyle. I do not think or consider myself one but I feel as though I may appear as such. I'm not sure labels have done anyone any good. They are something I am a big fan of, anyway.

What does the future hold?
A gift for you and me
a treasure to behold
savored day to day
or a life of regret?
Questionable memories
reality or fantasy?
an answer held
inside of me.

...wAitIng...

So, I have been in this limbo state recently, waiting to hear back from graduate schools I have applied to, and it occurred to me that I don't have a plan B if none of those schools come through. Unless I get a deal that's going to pay for my school and offer a T/A or R/A, there's no way I can work and support myself. It'll be too much. So, I'm still keeping my fingers crossed for UNCW. That is the college I'd really like to go to out of the others I've applied.

I was even looking at houses in the area and I found some really cute ones. When I started thinking about buying a house, I got so excited.... The thought of owning my own house is great. I didn't know it was so cheap! The downpayments are only like 10%. For some reason, I was under the impression that one needed a fourth or so for a downpayment. The interest rates are so low now, it would be a good time to buy.

a wAlkIng cOntrAdIctIOn

I love simplicity but exist within complexity. Sometimes I wonder if it's me or society. Living simply is very attractive, but seems unattainable at the same time. Perhaps it's that I'm trying to gain what I can't have. I do not feel it is all me though, because I had the opportunity to live simply and I enjoyed it very much. In fact, I did not want to return.

Why is living simply a struggle? There is something wrong with your society. I feel at odds every day with societal structure. The world would work more easily if people lived more simply. This should be looked upon positively, not negatively. Let's give tax breaks to the corporations which are degrading the environment we are living in and polluting the air we breath but do not make it easier for organic growers, to produce their more wholesome and pesticide free foods.

I wonder if it will ever be easy. Either I choose to live within societal standards and be miserable or I live a life impacting as little as I can on the environment and be at odds with society. It is so frustrating! Sometimes I don't know what to do... but force myself to get out of bed and go to work. All the time asking myself, why?

rAmbLingS

What is it with distractions? They come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes we create them or are looking for them and sometimes they seem to follow us around. I feel as though I want to be distracted, but it is not a positive thing... I don't understand it. It retards growth and/or movement in one's life. I do not see the positive aspect.

I admire people who can block it all out and move forward in their lives. For some reason that does not sound attractive; however, nor does being distracted all the time. Perhaps I give too much weight to little things. Yet, it is the little things that matter most to me. It's the little things that make me happy and the little things that make me sad.

Dealings

Feeling tiny

very small

you can't see me

no, not at all.

I've disappeared

gone away

shriveled up

with old age.

An old spirit

but a young mind

withdrawing out of defensiveness

trying to hide.

Hide and seek...

a child's game

playing still

today,today.

To disconnect

to save the pain

to not get hurt

it's the only way.

No words to speak

nothing to say

sitting quietly

for today.

vD

Yeah, I'm talking about venereal disease, jk. However, that is what I think of when I see VD. Guess that shows how much I am observant and appreciative of Valentine's Day. This blog entry is going to be full of information about the true meaning of Valentine's Day (for of you who do not know) and some other perceptions on the topic.

Enjoy.......

As most holidays celebrated by the majority of people in America, VD was originally a pagan holiday that was christianized. February 14th is a celebration of the Feast of Lubercus. The first interpretation has this celebration originating as a pagan tradition in the third century. During this time hordes of hungry wolves roamed outside of Rome where shepherds kept their flocks. The God Lupercus, was said to watch over the shepherds and their flocks and keep them from the wolves. Every February the Romans celebrated a feast called Lupercalia to honor Lupercus so that no harm would come to the shepherds and their flocks. Also during Lupercalia, but in honor of the goddess Juno Februata, the names of young women were put into a box and names were drawn by lot. The boys and girls who were matched would be considered partners for the year, which began in March. This celebration continued long after wolves were a problem to Rome.

As Christianity became prevalent, priests attempted to replace old heathen practices. To Christianize the ancient pagan celebration of the Feast of Lubercus, the church officials changed the name to St. Valentine's Day. To give the celebration further meaning and eliminate pagan traditions, priests substituted the drawing of Saints names for the names of the girls. On St. Valentine's Day the priest placed saint's names into an urn or box. The young people then drew a name from the container. In the following year, the youth was supposed to emulate the life of the saint whose name he had drawn.

By the fourteenth century they reverted back to the use of girl's names. In the sixteenth century they once again tried to have saintly valentines but it was as unsuccessful as the first attempt.

While it can't be proved historically, there were seven men named Valentine who were honored with feasts on February 14th. Of these men, two stories link incidents that could have given our present day meaning to St. Valentine's Day.

One of these men named Valentine was a priest during the reign of Emperor Claudius. Valentine was revered by the young and old, rich and poor, with people of all walks of life attending his services. At this time Emperor Claudius was heavily recruiting men to serve as soldiers for his wars without much success. The men preferred not to leave their wives, families and sweethearts to fight in foreign lands. Claudius became angry and declared that no more marriages could be performed and all engagements were cancelled.

Valentine thought this to be unfair and secretly married several couples. When Claudius found out, he threw Valentine in prison where he died. Friends of the priest retrieved his body and buried it in a churchyard in Rome.*

So, if you are celebrating VD, this is what you are celebrating: A christian holiday based on a man who was a martyr and stood up for something he believed in, the union of two people. However, the majority of people celebrating this holiday are not knowledgeable of this tid bit of information and it has become a material holiday in which one is obligated to express how they feel towards a significant other. I personally believe this is shit and if someone feels that way they should express it because they want to not because they feel obligated, like a christmas present. Imagine what the corporations and industries would d if there was no christianity. Perhaps they would simply create their own holidays to market.

Being that VD is celebrated as the day to one's affection to another let's discuss the topic of love. Love, we are repeatedly taught, consists of self-sacrifice. Love based on self-interest, we are admonished, is cheap and sordid. True love, we are told, is altruistic. But is it?

Dr. Gary Hull wrote an article discussing this topic in relation to Valentine's Day and argues that love is anything but altruistic. It's the most selfish experience possible because in the true sense of the term: it benefits your life in a way that involves no sacrifice of others to yourself or of yourself to others.

To love a person is selfish because it means that you value that particular person, that he or she makes your life better, that he or she is an intense source of joy--to you. A "disinterested" love is a contradiction in terms. One cannot be neutral to that which one values. The time, effort and money you spend on behalf of someone you love are not sacrifices, but actions taken because his or her happiness is crucially important to your own. Such actions would constitute sacrifices only if they were done for a stranger--or for an enemy. Those who argue that love demands self-denial must hold the bizarre belief that it makes no personal difference whether your loved one is healthy or sick, feels pleasure or pain, is alive or dead.

It is regularly asserted that love should be unconditional, and that we should "love everyone as a brother." We see this view advocated by the "non-judgmental" grade-school teacher who tells his class that whoever brings a Valentine's Day card for one student must bring cards for everyone. We see it in the appalling dictum of "Hate the sin, but love the sinner"--which would have us condemn death camps but send Hitler a box of Godiva chocolates. Most people would agree that having sex with a person one despises is debased. Yet somehow, when the same underlying idea is applied to love, people consider it noble.

Love is far too precious to be offered indiscriminately. It is above all in the area of love that egalitarianism ought to be repudiated. Love represents an exalted exchange--a spiritual exchange--between two people, for the purpose of mutual benefit.

You love someone because he or she is a value--a selfish value to you, as determined by your standards--just as you are a value to him or her.

It is the view that you ought to be given love unconditionally--the view that you do not deserve it any more than some random bum, the view that it is not a response to anything particular in you, the view that it is causeless--which exemplifies the most ignoble conception of this sublime experience.

The nature of love places certain demands on those who wish to enjoy it. You must regard yourself as worthy of being loved. Those who expect to be loved, not because they offer some positive value, but because they don't--i.e., those who demand love as altruistic duty--are parasites. Someone who says "Love me just because I need it" seeks an unearned spiritual value--in the same way that a thief seeks unearned wealth. To quote a famous line from The Fountainhead: "To say 'I love you,' one must know first how to say the 'I '"

Valentine's Day--with its colorful cards, mouth-watering chocolates and silky lingerie--gives material form to this spiritual value. It is a moment for you to pause, to ignore the trivialities of life--and to celebrate the selfish pleasure of being worthy of someone's love and of having found someone worthy of yours.**

*The Origins of Valentine's Day http://www.techdirect.com/valentine/origin.html
** Gary Hull, Ph.D. in philosophy, is a senior writer for the Ayn Rand Institute in Marina del Rey, Calif. The Institute promotes the philosophy of Ayn Rand, author of Atlas Shrugged and The Fountainhead.

The method master of gadgets and gizmos checks out his recent pix on the contraption used to watch moves, schedule events, take pix, and oh yeah talk to people too.

tHe wEigHtEd wOrD

Relationships.....

This concept has been engulfing me recently. Drawing in more drama that I do not necessarily want or need. Conversations and thought seem to focus on it, like that painting that follows you wherever you move but you still are looking at it. I do not enjoy talking and thinking about them all the time.... but they have become overwhelming. Allowing someone into my life and the ability to become close to me was a struggle and something I worked hard to be able to do and now.... I wonder why.

Is it worth it?

The positive things are wonderful. However there is always a negative, and the negative seem far more severe than the positive. They last longer, lingering... like the taste of nasty medicine. Yet this lingering lasts for months on end, finally diminishing to a point one becomes used to it. The positive is easily and somewhat eagerly returned to whereas the negative is banished, locked away. The catch is when one returns to the positive, the negative is waiting... just moments away.

Perhaps this is simply me, an individual in a sea of individuals... who are no longer individuals but couples. That, however, is a whole nother topic for another blog.
...........................................................

eArlY mOrNinG tHoUgHtS

As the early morning hours arrive and coversations of relationships drift by, I am left with thoughts of....

needs and desires.

I reflect on myself and content of previous conversations. I feel as though knowing what I want and not settling is a good thing....

but then I question myself.

Am I doing so in order to avoid circumstances? Or is this a benefit in that I am avioding circumstances that would have not not been beneficial?

This thought lingers like the smoke of a cigarette abandoned in an ashtray. It rises as though it is continuously fed and then sits in a cloud waiting for more to rise....

to come and join the others.

It amazes me how I was so sure of the way I felt and then...

....woosh....

I am drawn back in
into the place I was
a place of uncertainty
of confusion and unsettled feelings.

I still feel certain of my feelings but, uncertain of the future at the same time. The power of emotions is both emensely strong and baffling. How can something so strong and seemingly full of nrg be stagnant?

At least that is how I feel at the moment. Life is moving forward and I am still trying to understand....

but that time has passed
and now, I need to choose
to move on
with time
or to stay
stagnant
in my feelings and thoughts.

The force of entropy will prevail and things will come apart as they have been built. Perhaps this is a test, of making the same mistake...

again.

Or perhaps it is a second chance...

to experience what could have been.

Regardless of my actions, time will move forward, or backward... it will move on, none the less. It will show me, in due time....

the answers to my questions.

But.... will I remember the question, when the answer presents itself?

...what it's FRIDAY!

That time has come.....

It has arrived.....

I have discussed with friends before but it has become a reality.

I'll just admit it... oh but it is so hard...

Yes, I have become...........

a weekend warrior.

How does this all come about. One day you're just bouncing along, not stressed with being at work your full 8 hours each day or making sure you're fulfilling that 40 hour week and then......... poof........ it all changes. And you become a work mule, pulling the the 9-5 schedule. All of a sudden Fridays are like miniholidays. You want to get out of work early, just an hour... or two... oh hell, take a half day. And the savoring of the weekend begins.

Now, if you are anything like me, this process starts much sooner than Friday. In order to maximize the weekend one has to have options of events and things to do during these nonwork days. If not activities, an excursion to plan. This takes time and it begins to fill up the evenings and nights, previously filled with studying and just plain slacking off, before becoming a.... weekend warrior.

However, there are some positive things coming out of this, you definitely have time to spend all that 'extra' money you are making, now that you aren't in school. This goes towards the supplies and things you will need on these weekend excursions and activities in addition to the other 'hobbies' you pick up to keep yourself sane and occupied, since you are no longer stressed with a course load of assignments and projects. For instance, such things as a mountain bike, kayak (which I have yet to use), a digital camera, and the list goes on.

So, I have come to the conclusion that this is why our society is so materialistic. If the majority of people in the workforce are unsatisfactorily employed, what do they do with their 'extra' money? Why spend it on junk of course. I wrote 'extra' as such because people don't generally have extra money, they are in debt. Credit cards serve our economy well, allowing all those impulse buyers access to the items they would otherwise not be able to purchase.

As always... this is just one of my skewed perceptions of what is considered realty.

bIrThDaY wIsHeS

Monday was my friend and old roommate, Katye's birthday. Since she was in Gainesville we all went out to celebrate. For this event we decided to go to Farrah's, which is a Mediterranean restaurant (I think). Anyway, we decided to go to have some drinks and smoke a hooka, something I had yet to do. So, we wandered into the restaurant around 8:30p.m., prime smoking and drinking time. Come to find out, the restaurant was just about to close. However, we were lucky and a kind waiter, something one does not come across in Gainesville, informed us he would stay. I don't mean kind like he brought us the extra salad dressing for free, but kind like he gave us a hooka, though they had just stopped allowing anyone to 'order' one, got us food (even though the kitchen had just closed), allowed us to eat in the 'hooka smoking area' (which you usually can't eat in, apparently), and was attentive and happy the whole time. Unfortunately, the evening was not well documented in photographs, but I was able to get a few nice shots. Below is a pix of Eray and Katye.

The 'hooka smoking area' was laid out with pillows piled against the walls. It was quite comfy and cozy. The hooka itself is an interesting mechanism, if it can be defined as such. They bring it out already heated, unlike a bong; yet it operates similarly. Additionally, ice is located within the hooka. Whether or not this is simply to cool the smoke before you inhale it or if it acts like some kind of filter, I am not sure. I am going to look more deeply into this matter.

Regardless, I had a wonderful time. It was good company and hooka smoking mading a great evening. If you ever find yourself in a situation where you can smoke one but perhaps never wanted to, highly recommend it. I found it to be much different than smoking other substances. It was not like tobacco at all. I am told it is more like an incense, which is actually worse for you than tobacco... something to do with the size of the molecules and them being able to penetrate and infiltrate your body, another matter to look into more deeply.

a dAy In tHe pArk

Taking advantage of the nice weather, I ventured up to O'Leno State Park, which is north of High Springs in the center of the state. It's a nice park. The trails are well kept and you can wander on and off trail as you would like. I enjoy this aspect very much. After going over the bridge, there is a suspension bridge you cross get over the water, we roamed amongst the cypress knees. While doing so we came across this beautiful tree that had fallen over with it's base and roots pulled up from the ground. For some reason I find this very beautiful. I remember going downtown St. Augustine after a large storm and seeing the large oak on the fort green. It had been turn over in the same manner but because there had been so much rain with the hurricane, it was surrounded by water.... it's own little island. Ever since, I find these scenes very interesting and full of beauty.