Pies and cakes

Last night was a housewarming and birthday gather, for which I prepared a peanut butter chocolate ship cheesecake and some mini key lime pies. The key lime pie recipe I used was from the bottle of Nellie and Joe's Famous Key West Lime Juice. I had been trying to determine how to make the mini key lime pies w/ a dark chocolate crust, similar to something like a Reese's peanut butter cup. However, since I could not determine how to do that, I decided to use a graham cracker crumb crust and simply dip some of the mini key lime pies in dark chocolate.



Having not made a cheesecake before, I was quite nervous to bring my first attempt to a party w/out having tried it. After searching online for a tastey cheesecake recipe, I decided to attempt a peanut butter chocolate chip cheesecake. During the creation, I had some suspicion that it may have been a failed attempt, but after further inspection the following morning, the cheesecake looked intact and edible. I decided to add a dark chocolate topping w/ some sprinkled peanuts, which gave the cake a more finished looked.



Most importantly it was well received at the party. Always the conscious baker, I was pumping people for their comments and suggestions for the cheesecake. The hint of cinnamon in the crust was mentioned to add a nice flavor to the ensemble and the cake was commented as a little rich, but nor too 'cheesecakey'. There didn't seem to be any negative comments, which is always a good sign.

Community... home

Recently, I read somewhere that what we often search for is around us, we just do not see it or want to see it. We are looking elsewhere. This thought spoke to me and I have been pondering on this...

What should young people do with their lives today? Many things, obviously. But the most daring thing is to create stable communities in which the terrible disease of loneliness can be cured.

~Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

For some time now, since I left the town I grew up in, I have felt adrift. Not making many strong connections, I am floating through the days of life. Only within the past 5 years, have I made a conscious effort to create a home where I was living and make due w/ the limitations and benefits of the place I currently reside. However, it still seems like I cannot find or do not see the community that I long for.

Home is not where you live, but where they understand you.

~Christian Morgenstern

So, I tell myself that it is the place. It's just right for me. That I should travel, and perhaps through traveling I will find a place encompassing what I think is important, where I belong, and not a place I feel I am being put up with. Dismissively, I ponder if such a place exists, yet I feel it does. I just do not know where it is.

Quote of the week

The smallest unit of health is a community.

~Wendell Berry

Loving Actions

From Meredith Ian

Learning to love is like learning to master an instrument or an art. The following is a list of factors these acts all have in common.

Possibility—This includes having the time to devote to the art, and the physical capacity to do it. One can not very well pick up a violin if one’s hands are broken. Time, more often than not, is something that gets in the way of being able to devote oneself to loving.

Commitment—It is much easier to pronounce “I paint” or “I love you” than it is to actually master painting and to unconditionally love someone. Without the wish, will and dedication to work, it will never happen.

Goals—This includes the ultimate goal of mastering the art as well as all the stepping stones along the way. Staying focused on the present is important, yet without an idea of where one is heading it’s easy to get lost.

Instrument—Just as I can not very well master the guitar on a block of wood, I cannot love without an object for my affections. This doesn’t mean a person has to be in a romantic relationship to practice loving—we can practice loving human kind, friends, family, pets, god, and most importantly, ourselves.

Confidence—This does not mean that if you think you’re the best cellist, then you will be. It refers to accepting where you are in your practice. Expecting to be a master on your first try is unrealistic. Mastering an art takes a lifetime, and surely many mistakes will be made along the way.

Patience—Hand-in-hand with confidence, patience is needed to persevere through the low points. If martial arts were easy, everyone would do it. The same goes for love. Truly opening yourself to another, being vulnerable, and accepting the other unconditionally takes a lot of effort. It is a common misconception that “love should just come naturally.”

Model—If I took a person who has never heard music, gave him a clarinet and said, “play me some jazz,” he would not have the foggiest idea what I was talking about. In love, we model our behavior after those who influence us—whether it be from family, friends, a religious figure, mentor, therapist, or books.

Discipline—Practice makes perfect. Even when you’re tired, or when you’d rather just watch a movie, you’ve got to push through and always remember to keep at it.

Persistence—Working closely with confidence, persistence requires having faith in the process of learning. That even though you don’t get it all now, if you keep at it, eventually you will.

Environment—A safe space to learn, practice, make mistakes and try again is also needed. A ballet dancer needs a studio with a bar, and a lover needs freedom to explore and express his or her feelings.

Continuous effort, not superior strength or intelligence, is the key to unlocking our true potential.

~Winston Churchill

Ten Ways to Grow Your Spirit

By Phylameana lila Desy

1. Embrace Your Talents
Recognize and further develop your intelligence and special gifts. Our talents are signifiers that lead us toward our unique paths. Follow your passion and you will soon discover where you fit in this world. When we squelch innate yearnings we lose our way.

2. Tie Up Loose Ends
Unresolved issues eat away at us emotionally and mentally. Tackle troubling things that need dealt with and put them to rest. In the meanwhile, learn not to allow future problems to be ignored. Our wounds fester when they are not attended to in a timely manner. Realize that buried problems always surface eventually. Dealing with difficulties as they arise rather than hiding from them is the best route.

3. Be Responsible in Your Relationships
Turn away from the "blame game" when it comes to addressing problems in your relationships. Be honest about the things that you have said or done that harmed the relationship. Own up to your own failures. Focus on changing your defeating patterns rather than expecting changes from the other person.

4. Love Sometimes Means Saying Goodbye
Not all relationships are meant to last forever. We sometimes out grow our partners, or our partner goes off in a direction which makes us struggle to stay in step with. Sometimes, the most responsible thing you can do is to offer love and compassion to the person as you release the relationship.

5. Let Go of Useless Attachments
If a thing no longer serves a purpose in your life, it is clutter. Clutter can be a physical thing or a belief that blocks your path. Holding on to things that don't feed you will instead eat up your energy. Free your space and expand your energy by getting rid of unwanted gifts, broken or useless items, self-defeating mental images, etc.

6. Confront Your Inner Demons
Everyone makes mistakes or regrets past decisions. Exposing our frailties and recognizing that we are not perfect frees us from feeling stupid or "less than." Bring light to those things that you are not proud of and realize that through these experiences you have learned great lessons, and have likely become a better person for them. Keeping negative actions hidden can overshadow our spirits with shame or depression. We all deserve to live with joy regardless of our imperfections.

7. Accept Change - Go with the Flow
There is a fine line between caution and fear. We are meant to travel along a spiritual pathway. We are not meant to remain stunted in one place for very long. Yes, change can be scary. But, change is a path of learning, so why not follow it? When we resist change we can actually create chaos. Do you want to undertake a lesson down a path which you've chosen, or have lessons thrown at you down a path that was forced upon you?

8. Accept Delays
There are times when we need to be still. Impatience or frustration will not help any situation. Desired changes sometime take time to unfold. You may feel like you are ready to jump into a new arena... but wait. The situation or person that you are wanting to meet may not be ready for you just yet. It's okay to sit at the bus stop for a few more minutes, the bus will arrive eventually. What's the hurry?

9. Love and Honor Yourself
Are you taking good care of yourself? Your physical body is the vehicle that has been loaned to you to live out your life in and to assist growing your spirit with. Pamper your body, tend to your illnesses, exercise and give it the proper nutrients.

10. Dealing with Death and Illness
Physical life is a gift that comes with a variety of experiences. Suffering and illness are bundled in with that package of experiences. Although our bodies have expiration dates, our spirits don't expire. Choosing to look at illness and death in positive ways rather than negatively will help to give your life here on the planet deeper meaning.

Happy Happy Birthday!

Another year has passed... that's 365 days, 8760 hours, 525600 minutes, or 31536000 seconds. And through this past year, my 29th in existence, what occurred? Well, let's have a quick review...

• The start of my non-academic career
  
• The end of a romantic relationship
  
• The completion of my Master's Thesis and Graduate School graduation!
  
• First backpacking trip [which was hard, but great!]
  
• Made a few awesome friends [that have sadly, since moved away]
  
• Fell in love [unfortunately, it was not meant to be]
  
• Had a wonderful NOLA visit [and got to catch up w/ some old friends]
  
• Recently reacquainted w/ throwing pottery [one of my life luvs]
  

Taking the time to stop and reflect has it's benefits. It is not a time to ponder over what has not been accomplished, but what has been accomplished. And so for the next year to come, I hope to add more adventures and meaningful connections to my list.

Holiday weekends!

With this past weekend being a holiday weekend, I decided to head inland for some backpacking/camping. Since daylight is sinking earlier and earlier each day, I headed to Greenville Friday night, after work, and visited w/ JH. After seeing his new apartment and a little visit to the Wine Bar and Christy's later, I quickly fell into sleeping slumbers and groggily awoke the next morning only ready to sleep some more.

Regardless, I continued heading west and arrived at Eno River State Park late in the afternoon, after making a few stops. Luckily, I was able to get the second to last campsite. Eagerly, I headed over to the park and geared up for the 1+ mile hike into the park to find the campsite, equipped w/ a fire ring and pit toilet nearby.

The trails were short [~1-2 mile loops], with part of the trail running inland and the other half running along the river. Surprisingly, there were some steep climbs, although very short, it reminded me of a mix b/t a trail over near Hot Springs mixed w/ an area along the AT [I hiked w/ a few friends in the spring].

Although it was peacefully pleasant and very pretty, the water did not look inviting, and so I kept to the rocks. Apparently, in the spring, went there are more rains, the river is high enough to paddle, but as it was when I visited, one would be portaging more than paddling.

Sunday, K and I slept in and lounged around the campsite. We headed down to Bobbit Hole, not far from the campsite, followed by a short nap, and some reading on a rock up-river. That afternoon we set out on some hiking and explored the other Cole Mill trails. The evening was relaxing w/ some reading while K napped and we went to bed shortly after the sun went down.

I hope to explore the Fews Ford area of the park. Surprisingly, the 3.5 hour drive wasn't that bad and I would definitely like to do it again!

Fourteen Rules for Being Human
from If Life is a Game, These are the Rules by Cherie Carter-Scott

1. You will receive a body.

You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours the entire period this time around.


2. You will learn lessons.

You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called Life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.


3. There are no mistakes, only lessons.

Growth is a process of trial and error: experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately "work."


4. A lesson is repeated until learned.

A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.


5. Learning lessons does not end.

There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.


6. "There" is no better than "here."

When your "there" has become a "here," you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here."


7. Others are merely mirrors of you.

You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself.


8. What you make of your life is up to you.

You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.


9. Life is exactly what you think it is.

You create a life that matches your beliefs and expectations.


10. You always get what you want.

Your subconscious rightfully determines what energies, experiences, and people you attract – therefore, the only fool proof way to know what you want is to see what you have. There are no victims, only students.


11. There is no right or wrong.

There are consequences. Moralizing doesn’t help. Judgments only hold the patterns in place. Just do your best.


12. Your answers lie inside you.

The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.


13. You will forget all this.



14. You can remember it whenever you want.

Saying goodbye... to summer

Yesterday, a cool front rolled in and is lingering giving us a taste of what is to come. Most everyone is happy, relieved of the heat. Yet I am sad, knowing summer is coming to an end, not that it was really here for long anyway. It feels as though summer has come and gone w/out notice.

Wilmington Weekend

Friday evening, I headed down to Wilmington, NC. I camped at Carolina Beach State Park, which turned out to be a really nice campground. Although it was car camping, the campground was relatively empty, making it a pleasantly peaceful place to spend the night. The plan was to rise early and meet Ari and Matthew at the Cape Fear Marina and load up for a day of paddling. All went well with some added thunder and lightening storms. Karza and I rose early and made our way to the marina. After getting thoroughly confused and driving over the Cape Fear River, where I could clearly see the marina, we finally made it there. After loading the kayaks onto one vehicle we made our way to a launch site, i.e. an overpass, and set out on Smith Creek.

It was a nice paddle. For the first 1/3 of the paddle it was quiet, natural, and a narrow part of the creek. However, the airport and multiple bridges took away some of the remoteness. Regardless it was a nice afternoon and the sun eventually came out and warmed the day. We made our way to Cape Fear River and to the marina, where pups and Ari's parents were awaiting our arrival.

Saturday evening was spent leisurely spent enjoying the warm summer weather on the catamaran and then after dinner, we set out to Wilmington to see what the downtown area had to offer. After wandering around the boardwalk, we made walked up front street and enjoyed a beer at Wilmington's only brewery, Front Street Brewery. Unfortunately, their Organic Hefeweizen was not available, but I gladly enjoyed a Kolsch instead.

It was a pleasant way to spend the weekend and I hope to make it back to the Wilmington area to explore again soon.

It's official....

Almost a month ago, I completed my graduate degree!

Such a ground breaking thing that has been anticipated for far too long. Although this was something I had been working effortlessly towards, resulting in neglecting most other facets of my life, it was one of the most anticlimactic events.

However, it was still a great relief... not to have obtained a graduate degree, that is but a piece of paper that if anything, represents that I jumped through the ridiculous hoops set up by ECU. It represents a period of time I hope I can one day look back on and not feel my stomach turn and teeth clinch. One day, I hope the bitterness will subside and I will be able to see the positive aspects of the experience, none of which are currently evident, except for the few connections that were created during my time there.

That being said... I am extremely happy to be finished and am enjoying my thesis free time. What has been taking up all the time previously spent toiling away on thesis work? Well, there is still work to be done to get the information out into the scientific community, but most of my time has been spent on the myriad of things I have not been able to enjoy in the past 4 years... such as cooking, spending time w/ my pouch, and most excitingly, learning how to sew.

Yes, after years and years of wanting to learn, I met a woman in town that does alterations and is teaching me how to sew. By altering clothing that has been patiently awaiting to be utilized, I am learning the basics of seamstressing and loving every minute of it. I recently finished my first project: a satchel [pix to come]. Years ago with a biking satchel in mind, I purchased some fabric and recently learned how to make, cut out, and alter a pattern. Additionally, I learned how to make button holes and am extremely excited about all there is to learn. I am very happy w/ the finished product, which is very unlike me, since I'm such a perfectionist and nothing is ever good enough that I make. Already, I have a few things queued up and can't wait to start on them.

Additionally, I have signed up for a pottery class that starts next week. Having recently learned how much I enjoy sewing, it reminded me of how much I like pottery. Pottery is the only other thing that ignites me and that I enjoy doing a great deal. One may say, they are what I feel passionate about. I'm looking forward to getting my hands in some clay... it's been too long.

Inspiring words...

If...
by Rudyard Kipling

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

Two cents

In listening to a 'This I believe' essay this morning, I heard a trite phrase:

in life, you are only given what you can deal with

and my thought process stopped and pondered this over a few times... it has never sat right with me and I realized it doesn't make sense.

If a person is confronted w/ something in life, if they do not cope or deal with it in some way, it leads to their demise. So in effect, the phrase cannot be justified. People deal with what comes into their life, not because they are equipped to handle it, but because it is a matter of survival. In order to survive, and possibly attempt to thrive, one must overcome such obstacles. Although the phrase may be comforting to some... in reality, it is pure nonsense.

Soaking in the aftermath

It is really amazing... it is like I have begun living a whole different life. Yes, I still have to edit and turn in my thesis, but it somehow is not an all consuming entity anymore. I am actually looking forward to working on it, surprisingly. Overall, I just feel like such a happier person, as before it took nrg to be happy, now when I stop - and take a breadth, everything feels good.

There are still issues to dealt with and problems arising, yet it all seems better in some way. I am very grateful... sad that I brought it upon myself [grad school @ ECU that is] but thankful it is over and done with. It sounds trite, but each day no longer feels like a burden, it feels more like a blessing... and more than anything, it is so much easier to breathe.

The day has finally come.....

and how sweet it is to feel the relief
of 4 years of trudgery

In a mere 40 minutes, the work that has consumed my life, my existence, my happiness over the past four years peaked and stopped. Of what am I speaking... my thesis defense... that which has led to the end of many things close to me and has brought a few joys along the way. My mouth agape w/ astonishment, I was finally able to breathe.... and it felt good. Now, with only some editing to do before it is officially finished, I feel much happier, lighter, and finally in control of my life again. Like spring flowers all that is possible is sprouting everywhere. It feels good to be happy.

If you don't have anything nice to say... should you say antything at all?

What does one say when they have nothing positive to say? That is a question I am faced with constantly. Just now, someone visiting was inquiring about my experience at ECU and it seemed everything that came out of my mouth was negative. In such cases should I just not say anything? That is my normal approach, but then I feel like I am not being honest. So, then, how honest should I be?

It couldn't have been that bad, people tell me. So I try to think of the positives from my experiences at ECU... ... ... and nothing. Yes, I did meet a few nice people who I am thankful for; however, I lost just as many, if not more along the way... and the relationships lost had been cultivated and nurtured over many years making them much stronger connections than those made.

Anything else? Nothing positive to speak of... and so it is not surprising there very little good things to speak of when someone asks about my experience, my time, at ECU. My time... like a prisoner, which is how I felt for most of the time there... serving out my sentence.

Today is a day of love, love for another, but most importantly, love for oneself. In the day to week activities and obligations we often forget to love ourselves and sometimes, how to love ourselves.

Loving myself is a task I often forget about, and when I think of other people, with families and more obligations, I cannot even fathom being able to do it all.

Recent conversations have got me pondering thoughts of relationships, of being a part of something more, of someone else's life. It is something that was always part of my life before, but has, over the past ten years, slowly wilted away. Over the said duration a few new relationships have sprouted, but with each one, they seem to become less and less strong, less accepting, and less intimate.

I guess lately, I feel more like those around me put up with me as opposed to care about me. Not to strike up a pity party, but it is the feeling that has become more and more prominent over the years. Each time I feel this way, I sink further into myself, seeking comfort, finding it harder and harder to climb out each time... a sensitive seventeen year old, watching the world go by, changing, but stagnantly I stay, trying to love myself and all the wounds life has left along the way.

A life of limbo

Limbo

Tis a strange place, this Limbo!--not a Place,
Yet name it so;--where Time and weary Space
Fettered from flight, with night-mare sense of fleeing,
Strive for their last crepuscular half-being;--
Lank Space, and scytheless Time with branny hands
Barren and soundless as the measuring sands,
Not mark'd by flit of Shades,--unmeaning they
As moonlight on the dial of the day!
But that is lovely--looks like human Time,--
An old man with a steady look sublime,
That stops his earthly task to watch the skies;
But he is blind--a statue hath such eyes;--
Yet having moonward turn'd his face by chance,
Gazes the orb with moon-like countenance,
With scant white hairs, with fore top bald and high,
He gazes still,--his eyeless face all eye;--
As 'twere an organ full of silent sight,
His whole face seemeth to rejoice in light!
Lip touching lip, all moveless, bust and limb--
He seems to gaze at that which seems to gaze on him!
No such sweet sights doth Limbo den immure,
Wall'd round, and made a spirit-jail secure,
By the mere horror of blank Naught-at-all,
Whose circumambience doth these ghosts enthral.
A lurid thought is growthless, dull Privation,
Yet that is but a Purgatory curse;
Hell knows a fear far worse,
A fear--a future state;--'tis positive Negation!

~Samuel Taylor Coleridge 1817

my life has been is in limbo... it has been in limbo since i was 17... i keep thinking after my thesis is finished it will begin again... but i have a feeling i will always be limbo... i don't like limbo

Snowilliniliness

Today was a day of firsts. First time driving in the snow. First time watching the presidential inauguration. First time in the past 8 years the U.S. has chosen a leader that has it's citizens best interest in mind. First time I've swam 30 laps, since I've moved to MHC. First time taking off work due to weather. Perhaps some of these seem inconsequential, but today has been life impacting in subtle ways. Today was the first time I felt a smidgen of pride to be a citizen of the U.S. because there was finally a move in a positive direction. Not b/c the person I voted for is now president, nor that a democrat is in the White House, nor b/c an African American is president [though I do believe those are wonderful things], I am proud because finally enough people came together to make something happen.