Sitting in my co-advisor's office, after being summoned like a child in grade school to the principal's office, I sat there on the verge of tears listening to him bumbling through words trying to express his thoughts about the discussion section of a chapter in my thesis. As the overwhelming emotions rose and fell with thoughts of never finishing my thesis and leaving this place, I would find myself missing words here and there. However, because he was having such trouble communicating, I was still able to get the gist and sat there listening, feeling more and more helpless.
Although I appreciated him asking to speak with me and taking the time to sit with me and express his thoughts, all I kept thinking was that it was too late..... perhaps three and a half months ago, when I first gave him the rough draft would have been more appropriate, but now... now... it's just too late. After a productive meeting, in that I understand [though I may not agree with] what he wants me to do, he offers a "good job" as I exit his office.... yet again... too late.
There are those moments in life, when something is appropriate and peaking in its value or effect. Like the look from a new lover that tells you how at that moment, you are all they desire... the apology from someone you care about when they hurt your feelings.... or the silent embrace when someone is in pain. All these things and many more do not have the same impact if they occur later in time. It's just too late......
1 comment:
I am not sure if what I say will make it any better, but what you are feeling right now resonates with me big time. Even if I am not working on a thesis (yet), I feel just as helpless about school, the upcoming year, graduation, being stuck in a place I don't want to be in... Part of me just wants to get up and leave, just because the life that I am missing out seems so much more colorful than what i have here at school. But then whatever small portion of an adult that i have in me keeps me from doing it...
I feel especially bad at this point for doing such a bad and dysfunctional job communicating with you a couple of weeks ago... I want to apologize for it. Even if your plans changed, i could have written to you, i could have been more inquisitive about how things were going with you... i could have tried to give you that big, virtual hug, if it would make you feel even a bit better...
I hope things work out for you, one way or another. Sometimes it feels like they just won't, sometimes it feels like an end of the world, but really, don't be too hard on yourself (i know you are)and please try not to feel so helpless, since there are always going to be things that are outside your control. This may sound like a very... um, untelling advice, but that's the only thing that keeps me sane at this point and i thought i might pass it on to you.
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