Peaks and Valley's

Even within the valley, there's a sh*t ton of hills.........

It still amazes me how I can wake up happy, be in tears by midday, and then smiling again by evening... all emotions centered around the project. The Project. It has become the focus of my life as well as the source aggravation and multiple meltdowns. Knowing the graduate school was going to be filled with feelings of floundering and frustration, I braced for what was to come; however, since arriving to NC and enduring this experience, my life has changed in more ways than I would have imagined. Like a person who finds they have cancer and dies within the week, relationships once strong quickly withered and now only exist in memories. A few new connections have been made, though shallow in comparison to the depth of those that have been lost.

However, reflections are not the point of this post; it is, that being the point, why has happiness' role been so slim within this experience? The reason I am pondering on this question is not to cause more internal aggravation and conflict, but because the time is approaching in which decisions are gong to be made as to the location of experiences and focus of the next chapter in my life, i.e. where I live and what I am going to be doing, a job, and I do not want to make the same mistake. Yes many lessons have been learned through this experience and I now know I am stronger than I had thought, but I have also learned that I give up more easily than before, do not try as hard, have become more hesitant, and recover just as slowly if not slower from being hurt.

So what have I decided? I haven't. I've been pondering this topic for a at least the past 6 months, but within the previous few months, it's been dominating thought processes. I guess I feel like I need something to work towards, to keep momentum, to carry me through this last year and send me into the next. So far, it hasn't presented itself, but perhaps the effort has been from the wrong direction. All I know is that I want to get this f*cking project finished and move on, but move onto what?

That is the question of the day, week, and year............