The clouds over the sky in a gentle darkness releasing drops of water as though empathetically relating. As Matthew loads his car this morning, water droplets fall freely from the sky. The drops stop as we said goodbye, perhaps a signal to be strong and hold back the tears. Taking nature's queue, I am strong and knowing it was coming, I tried to prepare myself. It never seems to be enough, even though I know things will be fine as they always are...

So, I have come to what has become my comfort zone, the Corporate America of coffee... Starbuck's. As opposed to the various Starbuck's I have visited, I enjoy this one, I rationalize. Though I would rather contribute to local business, there is more of a community feel here, as ironic as it sounds.... there is more community at the corporate conglomerate than at the local small coffee house downtown. That place feels like a diner, without the greasy food. They each have their own place, I guess, and I spread the business evenly, or at least try to.

The setting sun

After a rigorous ride in the woods in which I thought we were lost, we made it out of the woods to be greeted by the sunset. Watching it slowly sink into the field, I felt the sorrow inside me grow as the moon rose.... knowing the day was almost over and the next would be full of feelings of lost, not knowing what to do as half of myself departs. The sunset was beautiful though my thoughts were distracted by what was to come.

And so the days have come and past and the struggle to keep moving forward becomes somewhat less each day. Although the struggle not to disconnect arises as the only means by which to deal with an unwanted situation that I cannot change. The voice becomes rite inside my head, informing me that it is making me a stronger person. Though I welcome the chance to become a stronger person, I still become frustrated with that which I have no control but am affected by.

But instead I distract myself with the sunset and other memories I hold tight, so tight they would suffocate if alive, and think of the many more that have yet to come to light.

Internal quiet questions

As darkness settles in all too early the sadness inside me seems to grow. From where it stems I do not know but remorse comes to mind, though I do not know for what I am remorseful of. Is it because of the holidays and missing that which is remembered so fondly? It seems like that is the reason but I can not remember those times. Those memories, though located somewhere in the grey matter atop my neck, are not available for current viewing... and so that does not seem a logical answer. Perhaps it is the reason, though consciously not capable of understanding it, my emotions can remember.

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

The present feels like a quiet time. A time to be quiet, to speak with the little voice inside... and more importantly, to listen.

Looking down with kind eyes

The night sky glances down as the moon dances with a halo of red around. Peering through the branches of trees, I admire the glow and how striking it seems. I scurry inside to capture the moment and as I reappear, the moon has moved. Higher up, on its nightly journey. Higher up into the sky. Higher up, I beg to fly. The moon glances down, in a kind loving nature. For the sky I shall not journey, my place is on the ground.

It's interesting to watch people during this time. It brings out the best and worst in people, it seems. Seeing the people of various ages just verifies that I do not want to get old. It is accepted that children can run wild and do what they would like, but the elderly are looked upon with frustration and resentment when they are capable of living up to the standards of the thriving youth and active middle aged. Could you imagine if children were treated in the same manner?

Why does our society discard the elder? They are the knowledgeable and wise. It is a sad consensus that the elderly are treated in such a way. We do not pass on knowledge within our society; only if it necessary for the present moment does anyone care. It is a shame that if a person does not fit within society's standards, they are a burden. What about the overweight, the anorexic teens, the depressed young adults, are they not deserving of our love and compassion? We are all simply children, we have just seen and endured more of life. More than anything.. acceptance is what is needed, not gizmos, gadgets, or psychological head games.

It saddens my heart.... to see the state of the U.S.

Ah, but as a women laughs...... the american dream still thrives.

Working hard....

The past week was quite rigorous and composed of non-stop work. As I sat at the little kitchen table and forced myself to type away... Karza snoozed on the $20 fluffy dog bed I picked up at Sam's with a detachable, washable covering. Quite the steal, considering they are generally much more expensive.

Ah... but the freedom of spending time with people, including myself, has finally returned and oh how I am enjoying it. However, there is still much to be accomplished over the break so to work I go. Though I would like to spend time with family and friends during the break, I know it is best for me to stay here and work. I am hoping to get a head start on some work for the spring semester.

Morning refutes

After waking up to a chilly morning, though I did have the heat on some, and taking a nice warm shower, I stepped outside to grab Karzas water bowl to fill it for the day. I could not believe what I saw... it was frozen. I'm not talking about a little ice sheet on top of water but solid frozen, with a little water on the bottom. I couldn't believe it!

It makes me think about people ho live even colder conditions and those who like it, like Arlene Blum, whose book I am reading. I cannot imagine camping in snow; hell, I haven't even seen it and though I would like to attempt skiing, if it's going to be in weather like that, I think I'll pass. I just don't see what is nice about being so cold you don't want to move or so layered with clothing to stay warm you can't move. Perhaps my perception is skewed, but the humid tropics is sounding more and more tempting as the days go by. I think it would be wonderful to not have the temperature drop below 75 or 80 degrees Fahrenheit. Where one can enjoy the outdoors all year, not pining for them from inside a stuffy building.

Further words

It is not “human genius”
that makes us human, but an old love,
an old intelligence of the heart
we gather to us from the world,
from the creatures, from the angels
of inspiration from the dead-
an intelligence merely nonexistent
to those who do not have it, but
to those who have it more dear than life.
-Wendell Berry
excerpt from Some Further Words

Words of wisdom...

...especially for those of us in academia, struggling to stay afloat.... but it is true for everyone, everywhere.

Every man's life lies within the present; for the past is spent and done with, and the future is uncertain.
~ Marcus Aurelius

GERM party

On Friday, all the GERM (Geochemistry and Environmental Radioactivity Measurement) lab members and surrogate members gathered at Reide's house for a holiday party, basically an excuse to get together. Though I do not work in the lab I am considered a member having Reide as my advisor. The gathering was great and I had a blast. Not anything spectacular, just your beverage of choice, some quickly made spaghetti, garlic bread, and a not so shabby salad evening. Oh, but let us not forget the trampoline. Yes, a trampoline... it has been a long time since I have been on one and I was looking forward to the opportunity. It was cold that evening, but I was still eager to jump and had a very good time.

It was very pleasant to gather everyone together. We all get along and seem to enjoy eachother's company, which makes it even better. Many more pix were taken, though I have yet to see them, but perhaps a few will make it top the blog later on. All in all it was a very fun filled evening of slightly intoxicated chatting and non work related interaction. I will savor it until the next time.

"Associate with the noblest people you can find; read the best books; live with the mighty. But learn to be happy alone. Rely upon your own energies, and so do not wait for, or depend on other people."

~Thomas Davidson

Forshadowing future frosty fantasies

This morning I awoke to the radio saying it was a freezing 30 degrees outside. Since the heat had been on in my little apartment, I was quite toasty and was desperately trying to pull myself out of bed and wake up enough to get the day rolling. Eventually making it to the bathroom, I turned on the warm water and stepped into the shower. Upon stepping out, many minutes later, I was greeted by a groggy half asleep doggie. After greeting Karza with a good morning, I slowly got dressed.

When I stepped outside, to take Karza for our morning stroll around the block, I realized it was not that bad. I must have been layered appropriately. Then, the white blanket of frost caught my eye and I was mesmerized by how beautiful it was. The frost was lying pretty thick, covering just about everything that was standing still. I had run back instide and capture the moment. The white crystals sparkled effortlessly in the morning sun and I was sad to think they would soon be gone. However, it was exciting to think it may snow. I might be able to see snow..... finally! It made me realize how much I can't wait.

In addition to reading the book by Arlene Blum, seeing the beautiful fall leaves, and hiking up a small mountain in Hot Springs, and now I may get to see snow too... all in one year... it's so exciting.

I can't wait make my first snowball!

Oh what joys the mailman brings...

The other day, I was surprised upon opening my mailbox, for there were two packages waiting for me. It was wonderful to receive the gift from those who care for me. It made my day! The anticipation of their contents drove me to open them quickly and even more happily, I was overwhelmed with the joy that the people who sent the presents had taken the time to think of me... many miles away. One of the gifts was a book by Arlene Blum (if you click the pix, it should take you to her website). She was a pioneer in women's mountaineering during a time when climbing mountains was not what women did. This book is her story... of childhood struggles forming her determination to persevere against what others considered impossible and also make her place in the world. Even though I am bogged down with course work, the book is so well written and the story so intriguing, all I want to do is keep reading (I stayed up 'til midnight last night reading it and finally put the book down when my eyes would no longer stay open without assistance).

The two packages I received warmed my heart greatly and I was a little sad that I could thank those who sent them with a hug. That will have to come later. Thank-you very much! I hope in some way I reciprocate those wonderful feelings.

Serenity

of a washing machine......

So, I am officially an adult... or so I feel. I recently purchased a used washer and dryer and am loving it. My most gracious neighbour recruited some friends to help me pick it up and unload it. After I finally got it hooked up, having to exchange hoses a few times due to defects, the machines worked beautifully.

For some reason, this is a large step for, just below buying a house, signifying adulthood. Now, I have taken on responsibility and cared for myself for a long time. The events such as moving out of my mother's house, teaching myself how to cook, and recently moving to another state in which I did not know anyone did not ignite the feelings of adulthood. I have been considering buying a washer and dryer for a while now, because I calculated it out and it would be cheaper and much more time effective; however, I was still apprehensive, because it was such a big step, at least for me.

Unlike buying the washer and dryer, I am more than ready to buy a house. I spent hours last night pursuing those for sale here in Greenville. ThoughII am only going to be here 2.5 more years (wow! I can't believe it's been that long), I would much rather put money towards something that would have a return. It is a double bladed sword... because the houses that are close to campus are priced high or in a bad neighborhood. So, for now I dream of owning my own place and enjoy my little apartment. It's grown on me.... and having a good neighbor is great!

Giving thanks

While in Florida, over Thanksgiving break, I was treated to a concert with MOFRO and the Jacksonville Symphony Orchestra. At MOFRO's website, you can listen to about five of their songs. Imagine meshing their music with a full orchestra. Sounds a bit off, but it was very well done. It was not your usual show... it was a seated concert, though some daring individuals managed to make it out of their seats and enjoy the music moving thru their body.

We left in enough time, but apparently, there was also a football game that evening, so downtown was packed and they had roads blocked off. We did not understand why, until at intermission, perhaps so appropriately planned, a beautiful fireworks display ignited the sky. It made for a wonderful evening, I'd give it 5 sparklers.

Sabbath 1998 IX

What I fear most is despair
for the works and us; forever less
of beauty, silence, open air,
gratitude, unbidden happiness,
affection, unegotistical desire.

-Wendell Berry

Making Waves

For when does love become not worthwhile?
When the pain and hurt consume one’s mind?
Or is it infinite and filled with energy
the emotions shared though stifled in time.
When half of a couple is stagnant
and like a large boulder on flat ground
an impossible feat to move
is it time for the other half to move forward
and leave the love behind?
For it is comforting and so familiar
causing pain that becomes a comfort as well
like an family member that is accepted
who acts without consciousness
ignorant to the ripples
creating affects
impacting others.