Voluntary-

We cannot be deliberate
  when we are distracted
    from life.
We cannot be intentional
  when we are not
    paying attention.
We cannot be purposeful
  when we are not
    being present.

The objective is not dogmatically to live with less, but is a more demanding intention of living with balance, in order to find a life of purpose, fulfillment, and satisfaction.

Count Down....

It's only 3 weeks until I depart. I can't believe it's so soon. Finally, excitement is felt. It will be so nice, though hard at times. A think a change is good. I've been asking for one for a long time now; I hope this one will be enoyable. I'm going to be in St. Augustine the first weekend in June to gather some things and say farwell. If you'd like to get together, email me and we can set a time to meet up.

The week I am leaving, it would be nice to get together in G-ville. I was thinking Wednesday, the 15th, would be good. More details to come later.....

Yipee!!!!!!!!!!

With thoughts of dismay about my new transition and journey, I was offered some literature to dwell upon. I found the small book full of wonderful verse, compelling to search out a copy for my own. Within the pages lies many words to ponder on; however, this particular poem is the one originally suggested. Though the verse is long, the fifth portion contains these propelling words:

From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines,
Going where I list, my own master total and absolute,
Listening to others, considering well what they say,
Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating,
Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me.

Taken from Song of The Open Road by Walt Witman

Getting older is something I try not to think about. It is something I'm not comfortable with. Acceptance of the deterioration and inhibition that accompanies increasing age... watching yourself become limited physically and or mentally, it just doesn't sit well with me. I have never felt comfortable with the concept.

During a counseling session with many years ago, the counselor commented on how I would be very prepared in dealing with old age because of my previous experience of being limited both physically and mentally, but it was quite the opposite. That time in my like was horrible and I would never never wish that one anyone. Dealing with something you have no control over and knowing at one time it was not like that,is a mind f*ck.

Birthdays have always been more of a depressing event than anything else. 2 years ago, I decided to celebrate my birthday for the first time, and had a nice time. Last year, it wasn't the best but a friends parents' made it one the nicest evenings, at least until someone else interrupted.

So this year, I'm going to be far away and prolly alone and I think that will just fine. I think I'll go camping and enjoy from where I have come and focus on where I would like to go.

Unfortunately, time does not slow down, let alone stop. So I suppose it's up to us to make the best of it. As with this transition, it's just a matter of sitting back, relaxing, and enjoying the ride. I just wish the seats were a little more comfy.

According to cyberspace, I am going to live to be 98 and I will die of natural causes...

Your choice of life style has enabled you to live a nice long life.. To eventually die of a stroke, or was it a heart attack.. Either way you out lived just about anyone that gave a shit about you anyway.. Congrats

Click here to find out how you will die

Sometimes, I feel like I just want to be alone. Like I can subsist by myself and I want to prove it. To be contained in my own thoughts with interaction with others going as far as common chit-chat, a mere waste of time, really.

But then, I know myself and the yearning for company that will surface, inevitably. For some, perhaps they have their family and that's all they need. People who love you but don't necessarily like you or share common interested and perspectives.

For the first time in my life, I realized how someone could become completely encapsulated with their significant other and let all their other relationships slip away. It's easy, as most self-centered actions are.

Perhaps it's because I am tired that I feel this way. Wanting to interact with friends but having nothing to say. No nrg to give nor interest in pursuing. Though it's a decision to be regretted, I am still entertaining... the thought of being alone, a feeling so familiar.... more than a lover's touch.

Though it will be a state of mind I will surface from soon. It's an interesting thought.... to play with and mold, like a chunk of clay.

Wow, now I know how old people live. I have spent the whole day at home, doing nothing. Aside from going up to the grocer to get some OJ and frozen fruit bars, which are the best thing since sliced bread, I have stayed home, watched 2 movies [previously viewed], and taken a 3-4 hour knap this afternoon. Surprisingly, I'm ok with it. Normally, I would have worked at least 8 hours and then ran around trying to get everything else done, but today, since I'm not feeling well, I stayed home from work and rested. I thought many times about going in and trying to work some hours but felt it would be best to stay home and rest and attempt work tomorrow.

Escape

How does being someplace else,
make everything ok?

Mind racing
wanting to run

to someplace different,
someplace fun.

A coffee shop,
though abundant here,

doesn’t stop
the urge to run.


How does seeing someone,
satiate a need?

Physical contact,
calming tones,

breathing easier,
not alone.

Welcoming arms,
offer comfort.

Just one night,
a mere few hours.


How close
can someone be?

Time apart,
wanting to be close.

To interact,
have contact,
but not consume.

Resistance broken,
a heart healed.


Is it safe?
No answers here.

Some things are in our control and others are not. Things in our control are opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever are our own actions. Things not in our control are body, property, reputation, command, and, in one word, whatever are not our own actions.

The things in our control are by nature free, unrestrained, unhindered,; but those not in our control are weak, slavish, restrained, belonging to others. Remember, then, that if you suppose that things which are slavish by nature are also free, and that what belongs to others is your own, then you will be hindered. You will lament, you will be disturbed, and you will find fault both with gods and men. But if you suppose that only to be your own which is your own, and what belongs to others such as it really is, then no one will ever compel you or restrain you. Further, you will find fault with no one or accuse no one. You will de nothing against your will. No one will hurt you, you will have no enemies, and you not be harmed.

Aiming therefore at such great things, remember that you must not allow yourself to be carried even with a slight tendency, towards the attainment of lesser things. Instead, you must entirely quit some things for the present postpone the rest. But if you would both have these great things, along with power and riches, then you will not gain even the latter, because you aim at the former too: but you will absolutely fail of the former, by which alone happiness and freedom are achieved.

taken from The Enchiridion By Epictetus

tHoUgHtS & pErSpEcTiVeS

Last night, in a restless act of trying to finish one of the many books I've started and giving myself the mental exhaustion needed for sleep, I attempted to finish the last chapter of a book.

The author was discussing genetic modified farming practices and described his visits to 3 different farms. In reading his description of the various farming practices, I comprehended them as perspectives in approaching life.

The first farm he visited used Monsanto products [genetically modified organisms (GMO)- potatoes] but was at the mercy of the corporation and his buyer as to what product to plant [only one type of potatoe for McDonald's, which is susceptible to a certain disease causing brown spots on the skin that is solely cosmetic but McDonald's will not buy b/c they 'look' bad, meaning an extra heaping of pesticides is in order]. He also stated his feelings about alternate farming practices and that he always plant a small crop for his own consumption, which do not undergo the strenuous chemical practices that his other fields do.

The second farmer also used GMOs but was more high tech. [all his crops were run with computers] and he owned stock in the chemical distributors of the area. He gave the impression, at least to the author and to me, that he was in control and comfortable with his practices, though his farm underwent the same as the previous farmer.

The last farm the author visited was that of an organic potatoe farmer. It is not nay surprise to most that I would see this way of farming as optimum choice, but was interesting was its comparison with the other 2 farms. The organic farm used no chemical pesticide treatments, he used other means, such as planting other plants to deter the pests or varying rotation as to confuse the beetles, and ect. Though the inputs were far less, it requires more man-power to weed and keep the crops running, but it was the natural way to go about farming.

What interested me was the 3 perspectives. One being at the mercy at the corporations and buyers, the second not feeling helpless because he was not only a farmer but part of the corporate aspect, and the third working with the land being apart of what he was doing.... not feeling governed by it or governing it, but helping the earth create nourishment for others... giving the time and nrg, not sitting behind a desk at a computer screen, or running away from a pesticide ridden field.

I feel as though the third perspective is where I am trying to be but more often I feel like the first farmer. I would never want to be in the shoes of the second farmer, b/c I do not agree with that way of life, and I am striving to be in the company of the third farmer but often feel trapped in the shoes of the first farmer. Under the control of the corporations and at their mercy.

This is something I battle with every day..... How to live in society and not be apart of it? It seems like a trick question... one that is unanswerable.

Travelin' Dawg

When will I not be alone?
In a place where uncertainty grows,
in a world always uncomfortable,
like a new pair of jeans...
that never break-in.

Comforted by friends.
Their caring eyes
and sincere words...
all bounce off the walls
carefully constructed,
surrounding me,
protecting me,
and separating.... us.

Separating them
from me.
The world,
from my world.
A place I've come to know.
A place comfortable and...
in which I'm in control.

In which no one can hurt me.
I am safe.
I am..... alone.

Sedirea joponica

Here is the newest Orchid addition. This one was purchased at the Spring Plants Fesival held at Kanapaha Botanical Gardens, here in Gainesville. It's a wonderful festival, with music, good food,and lots of beautiful plants. Unfortunately, I do not think the other flowers are going to open on the shoot. But I was pleasantly surprised to see this one last weekend.

Questions


What is it about being tired,
that brings delusion?

What is it about pain,
that creates revenge?

What is it about solitude,
that brings comfort?

Why do emotions,
bring depression and ecstasy?

What is depression,
if ecstasy doesn't exist?

What is wholeness,
to one who is not fragmented?

Why do we ask questions,
if no answers exist?

Time goes by. How does it happen? All of a sudden we are on different pages, in different books, on different shelves.... and it's hard to retrace how we get there, sometimes I forget. Then, I open a book that looks a little familiar and a heartwarming memory plays, like an old film on a reel to reel. It doesn't last long, and then the consistent flapping of the end of the film.... slap, slap, slap, is heard.... and the memory is over. Sometimes I wish I didn't end and I didn't come back to the present, out of the darkroom, with the film rolling from scene to scene, like a familiar friend. As a smile creeps across my face, knowing what's going to happen next......