Quote of the Week

The more you try to be interested in other people, the more you find out about yourself.

~Thea Astley

The past few months have been filled with newness. Moving to a new place, starting a new job, meeting new people, loosing a family member, and reconnecting with others. Emotionally, it has been trying, but exhilarating at the same time. Expecting to endure a few years of solitude while desperately trying to reach out, I have been pleasantly surprised with the openness of the community here. It somehow confirms all the things I already knew I needed, but was unable to access.

The importance of friendship.
How good communication is a requirement for effective work.
The merriment that is created from inclusiveness.

Simple little things that are common sense and apart of most people's lives, yet have been amiss the last few places I've lived. What is even more wonderful is that the majority of people here want to be here and that makes a huge difference. It reminds me of St. Augustine in a lot of ways... and I love it. I still miss my hometown frequently, but it is nice to feel welcomed and apart of a community.

Morehead City Life

Holiday Weekend Festivities

Embarking on a new chapter.

In a whirlwind week, new beginnings and endings passed, like a rain shower moving along the coast.

While trying to finish up my thesis, I've accepted a position doing shoreline change and additional research in the New River Estuary area, near Jacksonville, NC. Shortly after accepting the position and securing an apartment (which was a much harder activity than expected due to the rental property owners lack of pet policies) I headed south to relax for a few days on a surprise trip (surprise for everyone else but, planned over a month in advance). During four days filled with friends and family, the importance of those relationships weighted heavily upon me making the last hours slightly upsetting. With a heavy heart, I boarded the north bound train and sat filled with gratitude for the special people in my life and excited about the new ventures that lie ahead.

As the clouds trail behind the rain showers and the sun begins to dry the moistened earth, I am reminded of what is important and hold it close to my heart as I begin a new chapter in life.

Another lollipop

Life is full of the unexpected... and most of the time I try to focus on the positive. Yes, it sucks to have your heart broken, but be grateful that you allowed yourself to be vulnerable enough to love another. Yes, having the one person closest to you betray your trust is tough to swallow and even more to let them go, but you wish them well and move on in your life, cherishing the good time you had together. But at the moment, I'm a bit p*ssed off at life and am having trouble seeing the positive. Actually, no, I see it, it's right there, but.... it's a little like this:

Image a young child who has worked so hard, diligently performing all his tasks, everything that has been asked of him, even more than what was asked of him, all the be rewarded with a lollipop. A scrumptious crystallized mouth watering sweet filled lollipop.... and just as he has been handed this lollipop and his little lips, moist with salivation, wrap around the hard sweetness of the lollipop.... a bird sh*ts in his head.

Perhaps some would have no trouble ignoring the foul smell and liquid running down the side of their face as they indulge in their lollipop, but I, for one, cannot.

... and that is how I feel at this moment, in addition to other unresolved emotions that I do not quite know what to do with nor do I know where to begin the write about them.

The present of being present

The ancient Masters were profound and subtle.
Thier wisdom was unfathomable.
There is no way to describe it;
all we can describe is their appearance.

They were careful
as someone crossing an iced-over stream.
Alert as a warrior in enemy territory.
Courteous as a guest.
Fluid as melting ice.
Shapable as a block of wood.
Receptive as a valley.
Clear as a glass of water.

Do you have the patience to wait
till you mud settles and the water is clear?
Can you remain unmoving
till the right action arises by itself?

The Master doesn't seek fulfillment.
Not seeking, not expecting,
she is present, and can welcome all things.

Focusing on the little h

Through my time here in North Carolina, I feel the majority of it has been spent trying to dig myself out of the familiar depressional hole, which I was ever so comfortably curled up in last night, but I have decided that just because most of what I want in my life is not available where I am, I am not going to allow my remaining time here to be miserable.

Although I do not have much nrg and have been thoroughly broken multiple times, I am going to smile in the face of the sh*t laden path that lies before me and focusing on the flowers lining the edge. For in the long run, my unhappiness only impacts myself...

The big H

If happiness is not for me,
so then, what do I see?

Flames of red,
burning bright.
And oceans of blue
dark as the night.

A heavy heart,
full of holes.
Each absence made,
from loves untold.

A scared little girl,
all alone.
Wishing for someone,
to bring her home.

Quote of the week

Life is a train of moods like a string of beads; and as we pass through them they prove to be many colored lenses, which paint the world their own hue, and each shows us only what lies in its own focus.

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Quote of the week

We do not have to visit a madhouse to find disordered minds; our planet is the mental institution of the universe.

~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Flying high...

With travel funds in need of use, those involved in the sea-level rise project took turns getting an aerial view of the Neuse River Estuary, NC study areas. Having been my first time in a small aircraft, I was a bit nervous, but we had great weather and a fabulously accommodating pilot. We flew out of New Bern, which is located in the western part of the study area, where the Neuse River feeds into the estuary. From there, we headed east out toward Pamlico Sound and took a quick detour to circle around Portsmouth Island and then headed back along the north side of the Neuse River Estuary. It was great to see the areas that I have been analyzing on the computer screen for the past few years in person from the same perspective, but at a smaller scale.

Someone asks, how is __?

Why do my thoughts go to you? Now, as before I think of you. Someone asks about you and I don't know how to respond. It is like speaking of you takes my breadth away... and with it part of me. Will I ever stop thinking of you? I hope so, but part of me cringes thinking that day will come.

Good morning sun

Ecstatic at the chance to get away for the a few days, I gladly accepted the invitation to accompany one of the biology professors on his bi-annual visit to an ongoing project in the Virginia Coast Reserve (VCR). The participants of this venture included a few biology professors (two ECU and one from University of Virginia), two located in Oyster Bay. We left late Thursday night, which was a nice change as opposed to leaving really early in the morning, arriving @ VCR sometime before midnight. It was the farthest north I ridden along the east coast. We crossed over the Chesapeake Bay Bridge-Tunnel, which for those of you who do not know, is this long @ss bridge with a tunnel that goes underground so that ships can pass overhead through Chesapeake Bay uninterrupted. Although engineering wise, it's a great idea, the concept still boggles me... I just kept thinking, what if there is a crack in the foundation... would be engulfed by water? How does the tunnel not collapse with the pressure from the massive amount of water pushing down? As the tired, knowledgeable professors fielded my questions, I was informed that the tunnel was made through the bedrock, which simply spurred a different wave of questions.... Would the bedrock surrounding the tunnel collapse? I quickly curtailed my questions so as not to frustrate my traveling companions and soon we were out on the other side of the tunnel.

The next morning, I rose early to greet the sun as it's rays reflected off the water, warming the crisp Virginia air and after a relaxing breakfast, we headed out into the field, which consists of a large spartina and juncus filled marsh transitioning into an upland of pine. During the day and a half field work I assisted Dr. Brinson in collecting SET (surface elevation table) data. After have heard about the SETs for the past few years, it was really nice to actually see how it worked. For those interested, the SET consists of a pipe that has been driven into the ground (generally to the bedrock) and the measuring device is an arm that is placed into the pipe which has pins that extend down to the surface. Being that all the heights are known, the change in surface elevation is determined based on how far down the pins drop to reach the surface of the marsh.


Having not worked with this group much, I was not quite what to expect, but found that I had a good time and learned a lot. One thing I really like about Dr. Brinson is how eager he is to teach and I really enjoyed learning about the area. We discussed the transitioning of marsh to upland (a hot topic in relation to the SLR project we are involved with) and it felt so good to be learning something new and relevant (the fact that it is an event to learn something new and relevant saddens me, considering that is what I always considered grad school was about, but what can you do?).



In summary, it was a pleasant get away. The weather was perfect for working in the marsh... a slight breeze to keep the bugs at bay and the bright full sun igniting the silenced wetland.

Quote of the Week

You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.

~Eleanor Roosevelt

Can amyone say manic?

So a few days ago, I could care less if I took another breath. And although I still feel the same way, for some reason I feel like I just took a happy pill. It's great... I feel utterly euphoric and slap happy. I have not idea what brought it on, but I hope it stays around. I could do with this every day!

What it's all about?

Today is one of those days I ask myself repeatedly, "what am I dong here?", only to hear nothingness that follows after your echo has faded into a chasm. I bust my ass day after day, and what for? I've yet to find an answer. Call it self-pity or the more trendy term, depression... but I really don't see a point in my existence and I'm getting so damn frustrated with this thing people call living. Frankly, I really don't care.

When people talk about goals and aspirations, all I want is to be happy. A rather trite response, but really, it's true. That does not necessarily involve wealth or many material things. More importantly, I find happiness in the relationships of those I care about... and seeing as those relationships don't have similar weight with others as I watch these relationships slowly break-down and/or be disregarded, I feel more and more alone as the years pass.

After enduring a heavily traumatic time when I was younger, the only way I was able to come to terms with still being alive was that it was for the people in my life. Now, 11 years later, I continuously feel alone. Not the alone where you have time to yourself and can take a bubble bath, but the kind where you are in a room surrounded by people aching to have a meaningful connection and somehow you are the pink elephant that everyone is trying to ignore exists.

Maybe this pity party is due to lack of sleep... or unfulfilled expectations.... as a friend pointed out today, I have much to be thankful for... and I am very grateful for all that has been offered to me. Regardless, when you look around and see all the shit piling up around you, you get used to the smell rather quickly, but the scent stains your clothes forever.

It's hormonal

Apparently, current research determined that lack of sleep affect people's appetite, releasing hormones that make them want to eat more. Additionally, research on children concluded that children who sleep more when young, grow up to be less over weight than those sleep less.

Those kiddie naps are uber important and in times of stress more sleep can counteract that need to over eat.

Overcasted hincasting

The sky has turned overcast and my mood has turned complacent. After seeing a friends artwork last night, a person who is surrounded by people who care for him constantly, I realizes he feels similarly alone, combating the evils that life introduces to each of us. It somehow put things in perspective for me a bit. All this time, I've seen his pleasant, yet distractively contemplative temperament as one of a person with a full life who spread himself thinly, but had his priorities close to his heart. As I've seen him as a soldier marching through the battle battle of life with an army of people, I'm very surprised and saddened to know he sees himself marching alone, with only his family and faith as his foundation and distant accompaniment.

It made me question the extent of the illusion we call reality.

Woohoo.. new puter!

So far so good...

After my HP laptop started showing signs of its age [it is about 5 years old, I think], I started looking into what the current prices and capabilities of laptops were. Not a huge Microsoft fan, but a slave to it being that I am a scientist and desperately trying to finish my thesis [I decided not is not the time to get creative with software compatibilities and capabilities], I had/have put my foot down when it came to VISTA. I'd decided that I wanted a machine w/ XP and as time moved on, that seemed to becoming more and more of an issue with Microsoft phasing XP out.

So, when my HP's A/C adapter died, I hesitantly decided to take the plunge and purchase a new laptop. I was able to find an ACER w/ XP and all the basic requirements on my list. Although it was hard to even consider parting w/ the money [even though I had put away for it knowing the end was coming], I bought it and was anxiously awaiting it's arrival.

Last night I picked up the ACER from UPS and was up until the wee hours of the morning, getting things installed and up to date. It was so exciting, I felt like a child the morning of it's birthday when they first realize what their birthday, meticulously checking the machine and finding little surprises here and there. Unlike most large purchases, I had not researched the product thoroughly. I read over the few reviews I could find and looked at the specs, but overall I found the information to be a bit spotty, leaving me with some hesitation. However, things seems to be up and running well at the moment. The ACER feels really solid [and was described as heavier ultra-portable in the CNET review] and although it may be heavier than other ultra-portables, it's still a lot lighter than my HP and it a 12.1", which I'm really liking. One of the surprises is a webcam that takes pix [see pix below taken at the local tea shop].