Weather forecast

With a crick in my neck, having overslept, greeted by a schizophrenic sun, playing hide and seek with the clouds, while misty rain drops fall like tears, like the internal battle of mixed emotions, to love and be revered.

Quote of the week

Life is change.
Growth is optional.
Choose wisely.

~ Karen Kasier Clark

Mail order makes me realize how impatient I am.

Friday realization

Upon waking at 6 a.m. this morning, a feat I have been trying to accomplish for the past few weeks, I realized something... the reason I have such trouble getting up early here is because it's so damn cold. I don't blame myself for not wanting to get out of bed when all there is to look forward to is shivering while putting on numerous amounts of clothing.

It just simply reaffirms the fact that I need to live in a warmer environment... and makes me question if I should even considering staying in North Carolina for work....

Isn't there a tropical island that needs a coastal scientist or simply someone to wander the beach from sunrise to sunset...

Sitting here I feel like a visitor, in my own body and my life. I look down and see my hands typing on the keyboard, yet it seems foreign.... everything seems foreign. People feel so distant although they are an arm's length away and my soul feels like it is barely tethered to my body, preferring to be elsewhere. When I am here and present I feel a suffocating sadness that is unconsolable. Why? The answer I do not know, but it causes self-punishing lethargic actions, facilitating the cycle.

Oxymoronousness of life

So, my graduate career is coming to an end, yet I am ever so slowly moving towards the eminent light at the end of the tunnel. With so many different thoughts swirling around, it's hard to keep focus... even now, in this post... so please bare with me.

What am I talking about? Well, about a week ago, I interviewed at one of the NOAA research stations for an upcoming position. The interview went well, I think they were impressed with my work, and the position sounds like it would be a mix of some of what I've been doing and the opportunity to learn some new things. The research station is located in a coastal town, near the Atlantic Ocean. Sounds great, right? Yet, my initial feeling was far from joy and more like apprehension.

After speaking w/ my adviser, which opened up additional options and relieved stress surrounding the availability of summer funding, I felt a lot better. Now, with options before me I feel split, wanting to make a decision about the future before being finished with my thesis. It seems logic has prevailed in this conflict and I am leaning toward accepting the position [the is if it offered] and finishing up my thesis close the ocean with multiple trips back to Greenville... that is if I can have my cake and eat it too.

Only time will tell what the future holds....

Say hello to my new little friend

This past week there has been a new addition to my little world... Henrietta. After lots of research, we have finally found a peaceful, abundant area where she can swim around. Since their native habitat is the rice paddies of Thailand, I wanted to incorporate some aquatic plants, which were relatively inexpensive at Petsmart. She seems to like the Ludwigia more than the Java Fern. She is only about 7 months old and I think she has already increased in size. It looks like she is beginning to develop a coloured strip horizontal strip on her sides; I look forward to watching her grow and see how she changes.

Quote of the week

Great necessities call out great virtues.

~Abigail Adams

Down w/ a cold

With the sun shining and the temps increasing to what has become tolerable [the highs the past few days have been in the high 60's...the fact that this is considered a more pleasant temperature makes me very sad], it's really bumming me out that I am still down with a cold. This morning is the first morning I've awoke feeling tired and crappy. The past few mornings, I felt fine, but had a stuffy nose and some chest congestion.

Generally, I take this time to rest and let my body heal itself... taking it as a signal for needing self nurturing; however, it seems that is the last thing I want to do. I want to go to the gym and for rides, be active and enjoy that feeling when you are healthy. During the winter this feeling vanishes and I enter more of a sustaining mode, where it is all I can do not to over eat, gain 20 pounds, and curl into a ball waiting for the warmth.

I must admit... it is nice to spend time w/ Karza. I wish she could accompany me everywhere.

Back from the snow and with it a cold...

On the leap day of 2008 this Florida girl saw snow for the first time. After being invited to join a group of friends on a snow filled birthday weekend bash, the anticipation of seeing, smelling, touching, and tumbling in the snow has been igniting me.

The trip started off smoothly and remained as such through the entire weekend. My reservations about what to bring to how things were going to play out, quickly subsided as I met up in with friends in Raleigh to carpool the remaining four hours to the wonderful Winterplace wunderland we were staying at in West Virginia.

The route was similar to that I had taken to Kentucky, in August, which included a few tunnels, spying Pilot Mountain, and exposed outcrop [that's rock that has been cut through vertically exposing the layering and orientation of the various rocks over the years... for those not continuously bombarded with geologic terms].

As we entered West Virgina, snow flurries greeted us and we started to see the accumulation on the road side and I was getting more and more excited that I was going to get to see SNOW! On our way to the lodge, we stopped and picked up our rental skis, before which I played outside in the snow and took in the white wistful flurriment... all the while it still did not seem real.

This feeling extended throughout the entire trip, even when we were in skiing school [a previous ski instructor, one of the people in the group gave all of us newbies a quick run down on how to ski]. Being back in NC, with temps finally approaching warm enough to be bearable [the high today is 77 degrees F], the trip really does seem like a dream.

It was wonderful to be invited on the trip and have it ACTUALLY happen. The group was full of kind hearted folk who were very embracing. Even though I was not a superb skier, I look forward to trying it again. It was a great experience; however, I cannot wait for the warmth of summer to arrive and visits to the beach to begin!

Quote of the Week

Our feelings are our most genuine paths to knowledge.

~Audre Lorde

Taking action

There is a great short documentary on a few people who helped out to move someone via bike. Filmed by Street Films and featured on TreeHugger, it worth checking out. So, who wants to help me move this summer?

Lunar eclipse

This week was the third total lunar eclipse within the past year and I was excited to be able to observe it. AFter picking up a few beers from the local beer shop, conveniently located around the corner from my place, I headed over to a friends place to sit outside in the freezing cold and watch the partial, full, and partial eclipsing of the moon. Unfortunatley, the clouds swooped in during the first partial but cleared just after reaching full eclipse. It was beautiful to see the receeding partial eclipse, as the light slowly filled the shadowed moon... making me think of how easily people could have interpreted such an event as an act of the gods or a punishment.

Note: Photograph taken by Ben

V Day present

In an email this morning, I received a valentine's day greetings from a friend with this pix of a sycamore tree. It made me smile and realize that it's been too long since I've noticed such little details in my surrounding... a trait the comes natural to me, yet has been unused because I have been contained within my hovel. So as a valentine's day present to myself, I am going to treat myself with a walk this afternoon to take in all the beauty that surrounds me.

Too late

Sitting in my co-advisor's office, after being summoned like a child in grade school to the principal's office, I sat there on the verge of tears listening to him bumbling through words trying to express his thoughts about the discussion section of a chapter in my thesis. As the overwhelming emotions rose and fell with thoughts of never finishing my thesis and leaving this place, I would find myself missing words here and there. However, because he was having such trouble communicating, I was still able to get the gist and sat there listening, feeling more and more helpless.

Although I appreciated him asking to speak with me and taking the time to sit with me and express his thoughts, all I kept thinking was that it was too late..... perhaps three and a half months ago, when I first gave him the rough draft would have been more appropriate, but now... now... it's just too late. After a productive meeting, in that I understand [though I may not agree with] what he wants me to do, he offers a "good job" as I exit his office.... yet again... too late.

There are those moments in life, when something is appropriate and peaking in its value or effect. Like the look from a new lover that tells you how at that moment, you are all they desire... the apology from someone you care about when they hurt your feelings.... or the silent embrace when someone is in pain. All these things and many more do not have the same impact if they occur later in time. It's just too late......

Lately, I feel wound up.. and I don't think it's the caffeine talking. I've noticed that I have been much more detailed oriented, if that's possible, and anal about organizing and compartmentalizing things. At first I thought it was because perhaps I was overcompensating for a lack on control in other areas in my life... but while reading a passage in a book, I could feel a flood of emotions. This makes me think that my recent compulsivity may be a way of keeping the lid on so that I am not overrun with emotions.

... and I thought things were going so well, considering.

Diamonds don't always shine

Heard about this band listening to streaming radio... nice to know there are still people out there with something to say....

Site of perfection

Rantings

It's half past eleven and I just got home. After complaining to a few people I'm really not all that close with and almost having a breakdown, I thought it would be a good idea to rant in a posting. If I'm subjecting good hearted people to my negativity all for having the kindness to ask how I am doing, then perhaps I need a new outlet, and what better than a blog....

So, the main reason I haven't posted anything recently is because things have been insanely busy after returning from my winter holidays trip down south. Before leaving, I had reviewed my projected plans and schedule with M&D and due to a last minute field escursion, which was executed extremely well, my goals were pushed back a week and a half. However, I headed south and left work, for the most part, behind... and let me tell you, it was a wonderful thing [see The holidaze, reflected post]. Before returning to North Carolina, I received a email containing the first chapter of my thesis and what looked like a the butchering of a small mammal. After having the paper, which is only 16 pages of text, for a lengthy 2 months, my coadvisor returns it, blungened and beaten.

Thanks to limited internet access [there were only a few internet cafes in town... I never thought I would be so happy to NOT have internet] I was not able to work on the edits. After returning from the blissful holiday, I've been working on the numerous edits and have finally, with the exception of one reference check, am finished. However, this is at the expense of accomplishing the tasks I had laid out prior to the holiday. Therefore, this week I have begun to tackle to goals that are now a MONTH overdue and am uncertain if I will be able to graduate on time. In reality I know I will not be able to graduate this semester... and it is really bothering me.

I feel like it is my fault and it makes me so angry with myself. Now I have to figure out what I'm going to do this summer. Do I look for a job? Do I ask for summer funding? If I get a job and move away, will I ever graduate? Do I want to spend another summer in North Carolina? All questions I cannot answer.

So, I eat a bagel
drink a beer
wait for my mind to settle
and the answers to appear...

Quote of the Week

Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.

~Marie Curie