Ten Ways to Grow Your Spirit

By Phylameana lila Desy

1. Embrace Your Talents
Recognize and further develop your intelligence and special gifts. Our talents are signifiers that lead us toward our unique paths. Follow your passion and you will soon discover where you fit in this world. When we squelch innate yearnings we lose our way.

2. Tie Up Loose Ends
Unresolved issues eat away at us emotionally and mentally. Tackle troubling things that need dealt with and put them to rest. In the meanwhile, learn not to allow future problems to be ignored. Our wounds fester when they are not attended to in a timely manner. Realize that buried problems always surface eventually. Dealing with difficulties as they arise rather than hiding from them is the best route.

3. Be Responsible in Your Relationships
Turn away from the "blame game" when it comes to addressing problems in your relationships. Be honest about the things that you have said or done that harmed the relationship. Own up to your own failures. Focus on changing your defeating patterns rather than expecting changes from the other person.

4. Love Sometimes Means Saying Goodbye
Not all relationships are meant to last forever. We sometimes out grow our partners, or our partner goes off in a direction which makes us struggle to stay in step with. Sometimes, the most responsible thing you can do is to offer love and compassion to the person as you release the relationship.

5. Let Go of Useless Attachments
If a thing no longer serves a purpose in your life, it is clutter. Clutter can be a physical thing or a belief that blocks your path. Holding on to things that don't feed you will instead eat up your energy. Free your space and expand your energy by getting rid of unwanted gifts, broken or useless items, self-defeating mental images, etc.

6. Confront Your Inner Demons
Everyone makes mistakes or regrets past decisions. Exposing our frailties and recognizing that we are not perfect frees us from feeling stupid or "less than." Bring light to those things that you are not proud of and realize that through these experiences you have learned great lessons, and have likely become a better person for them. Keeping negative actions hidden can overshadow our spirits with shame or depression. We all deserve to live with joy regardless of our imperfections.

7. Accept Change - Go with the Flow
There is a fine line between caution and fear. We are meant to travel along a spiritual pathway. We are not meant to remain stunted in one place for very long. Yes, change can be scary. But, change is a path of learning, so why not follow it? When we resist change we can actually create chaos. Do you want to undertake a lesson down a path which you've chosen, or have lessons thrown at you down a path that was forced upon you?

8. Accept Delays
There are times when we need to be still. Impatience or frustration will not help any situation. Desired changes sometime take time to unfold. You may feel like you are ready to jump into a new arena... but wait. The situation or person that you are wanting to meet may not be ready for you just yet. It's okay to sit at the bus stop for a few more minutes, the bus will arrive eventually. What's the hurry?

9. Love and Honor Yourself
Are you taking good care of yourself? Your physical body is the vehicle that has been loaned to you to live out your life in and to assist growing your spirit with. Pamper your body, tend to your illnesses, exercise and give it the proper nutrients.

10. Dealing with Death and Illness
Physical life is a gift that comes with a variety of experiences. Suffering and illness are bundled in with that package of experiences. Although our bodies have expiration dates, our spirits don't expire. Choosing to look at illness and death in positive ways rather than negatively will help to give your life here on the planet deeper meaning.

Happy Happy Birthday!

Another year has passed... that's 365 days, 8760 hours, 525600 minutes, or 31536000 seconds. And through this past year, my 29th in existence, what occurred? Well, let's have a quick review...

• The start of my non-academic career
  
• The end of a romantic relationship
  
• The completion of my Master's Thesis and Graduate School graduation!
  
• First backpacking trip [which was hard, but great!]
  
• Made a few awesome friends [that have sadly, since moved away]
  
• Fell in love [unfortunately, it was not meant to be]
  
• Had a wonderful NOLA visit [and got to catch up w/ some old friends]
  
• Recently reacquainted w/ throwing pottery [one of my life luvs]
  

Taking the time to stop and reflect has it's benefits. It is not a time to ponder over what has not been accomplished, but what has been accomplished. And so for the next year to come, I hope to add more adventures and meaningful connections to my list.

Holiday weekends!

With this past weekend being a holiday weekend, I decided to head inland for some backpacking/camping. Since daylight is sinking earlier and earlier each day, I headed to Greenville Friday night, after work, and visited w/ JH. After seeing his new apartment and a little visit to the Wine Bar and Christy's later, I quickly fell into sleeping slumbers and groggily awoke the next morning only ready to sleep some more.

Regardless, I continued heading west and arrived at Eno River State Park late in the afternoon, after making a few stops. Luckily, I was able to get the second to last campsite. Eagerly, I headed over to the park and geared up for the 1+ mile hike into the park to find the campsite, equipped w/ a fire ring and pit toilet nearby.

The trails were short [~1-2 mile loops], with part of the trail running inland and the other half running along the river. Surprisingly, there were some steep climbs, although very short, it reminded me of a mix b/t a trail over near Hot Springs mixed w/ an area along the AT [I hiked w/ a few friends in the spring].

Although it was peacefully pleasant and very pretty, the water did not look inviting, and so I kept to the rocks. Apparently, in the spring, went there are more rains, the river is high enough to paddle, but as it was when I visited, one would be portaging more than paddling.

Sunday, K and I slept in and lounged around the campsite. We headed down to Bobbit Hole, not far from the campsite, followed by a short nap, and some reading on a rock up-river. That afternoon we set out on some hiking and explored the other Cole Mill trails. The evening was relaxing w/ some reading while K napped and we went to bed shortly after the sun went down.

I hope to explore the Fews Ford area of the park. Surprisingly, the 3.5 hour drive wasn't that bad and I would definitely like to do it again!

Fourteen Rules for Being Human
from If Life is a Game, These are the Rules by Cherie Carter-Scott

1. You will receive a body.

You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours the entire period this time around.


2. You will learn lessons.

You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called Life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.


3. There are no mistakes, only lessons.

Growth is a process of trial and error: experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately "work."


4. A lesson is repeated until learned.

A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.


5. Learning lessons does not end.

There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.


6. "There" is no better than "here."

When your "there" has become a "here," you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here."


7. Others are merely mirrors of you.

You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself.


8. What you make of your life is up to you.

You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.


9. Life is exactly what you think it is.

You create a life that matches your beliefs and expectations.


10. You always get what you want.

Your subconscious rightfully determines what energies, experiences, and people you attract – therefore, the only fool proof way to know what you want is to see what you have. There are no victims, only students.


11. There is no right or wrong.

There are consequences. Moralizing doesn’t help. Judgments only hold the patterns in place. Just do your best.


12. Your answers lie inside you.

The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.


13. You will forget all this.



14. You can remember it whenever you want.

Saying goodbye... to summer

Yesterday, a cool front rolled in and is lingering giving us a taste of what is to come. Most everyone is happy, relieved of the heat. Yet I am sad, knowing summer is coming to an end, not that it was really here for long anyway. It feels as though summer has come and gone w/out notice.

Wilmington Weekend

Friday evening, I headed down to Wilmington, NC. I camped at Carolina Beach State Park, which turned out to be a really nice campground. Although it was car camping, the campground was relatively empty, making it a pleasantly peaceful place to spend the night. The plan was to rise early and meet Ari and Matthew at the Cape Fear Marina and load up for a day of paddling. All went well with some added thunder and lightening storms. Karza and I rose early and made our way to the marina. After getting thoroughly confused and driving over the Cape Fear River, where I could clearly see the marina, we finally made it there. After loading the kayaks onto one vehicle we made our way to a launch site, i.e. an overpass, and set out on Smith Creek.

It was a nice paddle. For the first 1/3 of the paddle it was quiet, natural, and a narrow part of the creek. However, the airport and multiple bridges took away some of the remoteness. Regardless it was a nice afternoon and the sun eventually came out and warmed the day. We made our way to Cape Fear River and to the marina, where pups and Ari's parents were awaiting our arrival.

Saturday evening was spent leisurely spent enjoying the warm summer weather on the catamaran and then after dinner, we set out to Wilmington to see what the downtown area had to offer. After wandering around the boardwalk, we made walked up front street and enjoyed a beer at Wilmington's only brewery, Front Street Brewery. Unfortunately, their Organic Hefeweizen was not available, but I gladly enjoyed a Kolsch instead.

It was a pleasant way to spend the weekend and I hope to make it back to the Wilmington area to explore again soon.

It's official....

Almost a month ago, I completed my graduate degree!

Such a ground breaking thing that has been anticipated for far too long. Although this was something I had been working effortlessly towards, resulting in neglecting most other facets of my life, it was one of the most anticlimactic events.

However, it was still a great relief... not to have obtained a graduate degree, that is but a piece of paper that if anything, represents that I jumped through the ridiculous hoops set up by ECU. It represents a period of time I hope I can one day look back on and not feel my stomach turn and teeth clinch. One day, I hope the bitterness will subside and I will be able to see the positive aspects of the experience, none of which are currently evident, except for the few connections that were created during my time there.

That being said... I am extremely happy to be finished and am enjoying my thesis free time. What has been taking up all the time previously spent toiling away on thesis work? Well, there is still work to be done to get the information out into the scientific community, but most of my time has been spent on the myriad of things I have not been able to enjoy in the past 4 years... such as cooking, spending time w/ my pouch, and most excitingly, learning how to sew.

Yes, after years and years of wanting to learn, I met a woman in town that does alterations and is teaching me how to sew. By altering clothing that has been patiently awaiting to be utilized, I am learning the basics of seamstressing and loving every minute of it. I recently finished my first project: a satchel [pix to come]. Years ago with a biking satchel in mind, I purchased some fabric and recently learned how to make, cut out, and alter a pattern. Additionally, I learned how to make button holes and am extremely excited about all there is to learn. I am very happy w/ the finished product, which is very unlike me, since I'm such a perfectionist and nothing is ever good enough that I make. Already, I have a few things queued up and can't wait to start on them.

Additionally, I have signed up for a pottery class that starts next week. Having recently learned how much I enjoy sewing, it reminded me of how much I like pottery. Pottery is the only other thing that ignites me and that I enjoy doing a great deal. One may say, they are what I feel passionate about. I'm looking forward to getting my hands in some clay... it's been too long.

Inspiring words...

If...
by Rudyard Kipling

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

Two cents

In listening to a 'This I believe' essay this morning, I heard a trite phrase:

in life, you are only given what you can deal with

and my thought process stopped and pondered this over a few times... it has never sat right with me and I realized it doesn't make sense.

If a person is confronted w/ something in life, if they do not cope or deal with it in some way, it leads to their demise. So in effect, the phrase cannot be justified. People deal with what comes into their life, not because they are equipped to handle it, but because it is a matter of survival. In order to survive, and possibly attempt to thrive, one must overcome such obstacles. Although the phrase may be comforting to some... in reality, it is pure nonsense.

Soaking in the aftermath

It is really amazing... it is like I have begun living a whole different life. Yes, I still have to edit and turn in my thesis, but it somehow is not an all consuming entity anymore. I am actually looking forward to working on it, surprisingly. Overall, I just feel like such a happier person, as before it took nrg to be happy, now when I stop - and take a breadth, everything feels good.

There are still issues to dealt with and problems arising, yet it all seems better in some way. I am very grateful... sad that I brought it upon myself [grad school @ ECU that is] but thankful it is over and done with. It sounds trite, but each day no longer feels like a burden, it feels more like a blessing... and more than anything, it is so much easier to breathe.

The day has finally come.....

and how sweet it is to feel the relief
of 4 years of trudgery

In a mere 40 minutes, the work that has consumed my life, my existence, my happiness over the past four years peaked and stopped. Of what am I speaking... my thesis defense... that which has led to the end of many things close to me and has brought a few joys along the way. My mouth agape w/ astonishment, I was finally able to breathe.... and it felt good. Now, with only some editing to do before it is officially finished, I feel much happier, lighter, and finally in control of my life again. Like spring flowers all that is possible is sprouting everywhere. It feels good to be happy.

If you don't have anything nice to say... should you say antything at all?

What does one say when they have nothing positive to say? That is a question I am faced with constantly. Just now, someone visiting was inquiring about my experience at ECU and it seemed everything that came out of my mouth was negative. In such cases should I just not say anything? That is my normal approach, but then I feel like I am not being honest. So, then, how honest should I be?

It couldn't have been that bad, people tell me. So I try to think of the positives from my experiences at ECU... ... ... and nothing. Yes, I did meet a few nice people who I am thankful for; however, I lost just as many, if not more along the way... and the relationships lost had been cultivated and nurtured over many years making them much stronger connections than those made.

Anything else? Nothing positive to speak of... and so it is not surprising there very little good things to speak of when someone asks about my experience, my time, at ECU. My time... like a prisoner, which is how I felt for most of the time there... serving out my sentence.

Today is a day of love, love for another, but most importantly, love for oneself. In the day to week activities and obligations we often forget to love ourselves and sometimes, how to love ourselves.

Loving myself is a task I often forget about, and when I think of other people, with families and more obligations, I cannot even fathom being able to do it all.

Recent conversations have got me pondering thoughts of relationships, of being a part of something more, of someone else's life. It is something that was always part of my life before, but has, over the past ten years, slowly wilted away. Over the said duration a few new relationships have sprouted, but with each one, they seem to become less and less strong, less accepting, and less intimate.

I guess lately, I feel more like those around me put up with me as opposed to care about me. Not to strike up a pity party, but it is the feeling that has become more and more prominent over the years. Each time I feel this way, I sink further into myself, seeking comfort, finding it harder and harder to climb out each time... a sensitive seventeen year old, watching the world go by, changing, but stagnantly I stay, trying to love myself and all the wounds life has left along the way.

A life of limbo

Limbo

Tis a strange place, this Limbo!--not a Place,
Yet name it so;--where Time and weary Space
Fettered from flight, with night-mare sense of fleeing,
Strive for their last crepuscular half-being;--
Lank Space, and scytheless Time with branny hands
Barren and soundless as the measuring sands,
Not mark'd by flit of Shades,--unmeaning they
As moonlight on the dial of the day!
But that is lovely--looks like human Time,--
An old man with a steady look sublime,
That stops his earthly task to watch the skies;
But he is blind--a statue hath such eyes;--
Yet having moonward turn'd his face by chance,
Gazes the orb with moon-like countenance,
With scant white hairs, with fore top bald and high,
He gazes still,--his eyeless face all eye;--
As 'twere an organ full of silent sight,
His whole face seemeth to rejoice in light!
Lip touching lip, all moveless, bust and limb--
He seems to gaze at that which seems to gaze on him!
No such sweet sights doth Limbo den immure,
Wall'd round, and made a spirit-jail secure,
By the mere horror of blank Naught-at-all,
Whose circumambience doth these ghosts enthral.
A lurid thought is growthless, dull Privation,
Yet that is but a Purgatory curse;
Hell knows a fear far worse,
A fear--a future state;--'tis positive Negation!

~Samuel Taylor Coleridge 1817

my life has been is in limbo... it has been in limbo since i was 17... i keep thinking after my thesis is finished it will begin again... but i have a feeling i will always be limbo... i don't like limbo

Snowilliniliness

Today was a day of firsts. First time driving in the snow. First time watching the presidential inauguration. First time in the past 8 years the U.S. has chosen a leader that has it's citizens best interest in mind. First time I've swam 30 laps, since I've moved to MHC. First time taking off work due to weather. Perhaps some of these seem inconsequential, but today has been life impacting in subtle ways. Today was the first time I felt a smidgen of pride to be a citizen of the U.S. because there was finally a move in a positive direction. Not b/c the person I voted for is now president, nor that a democrat is in the White House, nor b/c an African American is president [though I do believe those are wonderful things], I am proud because finally enough people came together to make something happen.

Quote of the week

Live each season as it passes; breather air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each. Let them be your only diet drink and botanical medicines.

~Henry David Thoreau

Morning thoughts....

If we are each the center of our own universe, then how do connections occur? How would our universes overlap? Should we instead be not the center of our own universe and more like a proton, orbiting the periphery, shifting consciousness, and enlarging our universe...

However, if we are more like protons, orbiting our own universe, are we not aware of the possibilities that abound? Meaning, does our universe that we are orbiting inhibit connections or is our universe porous, so as to say connections and possibilities can permeate? If this is the case and our own universe is permeable to possibilities and connections, then we do not need to be orbiting our universe. However, it does not seem possible that our universe, a culmination of the positive and negative bits and pieces of our lives, the residue that is left at the end of each day, does not act as some type of filter.

Therefore, shall we be open, at least partially, to new experiences, as one who orbits their own universe, or shall we sit comfortably, completely enveloped in a filter, like a cosy warm blanket, keeping all the bad [and possibly good] at bay?

The fog of reality

Sails and sunshine

The Simple Abundance entry for today touched on women who read too much and how that is impossible... that a person cannot read too much. However, I wonder is that is completely true. Yes, we can constantly gain more from each new reading; however, do our brains have a maximum capacity? Perhaps some can continuously fill their heads with information, but I seem unable to access information I have not readily used. Maybe my brain operated on a use it or loose it regime.

Additionally, I wonder if becoming more educated hinders us in some way. I know, I know, how could I possibly say that? Well, it's just that it's just that when we gain more knowledge and then need to gain more, and more, and more... it's a greedy cycle and of what benefit? Does it make us happier? Healthier? More like fatter and miserable. I'm not saying that knowledge and it's repercussions are all... I just think that perhaps it clutters our lives in way... and after awhile, it can be hindering and/or suffocating.

I think it best to keep it simple. Perhaps this merely means filtering through the mountainous information and picking out only that which is necessary and implementable. A feat easier said than done.

Remembering Mr. Roger

Growing up, I was never a fan of the TV show, Mr Roger's neighborhood. I could not understand why he would change his shoes and sweater when he went inside his house and I wasn't a big fan of The Neighborhood of Make-Believe. However, while listening to a This American Life episode, Neighbors that was originally aired in 2001. In the first act of the episode, Davy Rothbart, the creator of Found magazine, goes to visit Fred Roger's. As the story goes, on a family trip, when he was a child, following a correspondence between his brother and Mr. Roger, the family stopped by his house for a visit. Some number of years later, Davy Rothbart sets up a meeting with the aged Fred Roger. While listening to their conversations, focusing on neighbors and the general goodness that seems to be what comes out of Fred Rogers, including the following answer when Davy Rothbart asked Fred Roger about why neighbours are afraid to eachother and don't get to know eachother:

"I can tell you what i hope that I would do. I would hope that I would be brave enough to visit. It's so easy to condemn when we don't know, and if I would visit you and find out that you are a reasonable person, I could tell you about my sensitivities and see if it would make any difference to you."

After hearing the sensible good hearted responses Fred Roger had to say, I googled him and came across the PBS website for the television show. Within the website there are a few links on various topics of Thought for All Ages by Fred Rogers. Under the link for Growing in Adulthood, it lists three 'thoughts':

I recently learned that in an average lifetime a person walks about sixty-five thousand miles. That's two and half times around the world. I wonder where your steps will take you. I wonder how you'll use the rest of the miles you're given.

It's not the honors and the prizes and the fancy outsides of life which ultimately nourish our souls. It's the knowing that we can be trusted, that we never have to fear the truth, that the bedrock of our very being is good stuff. That's what makes growing humanity the most potentially glorious enterprise on earth.

Please think of the children first. If you ever have anything to do with their entertainment, their food, their toys, their custody, their childcare, their health care, their education—listen to the children, learn about them, learn from them. Think of the children first.

Even though I may not have cared much for the children's show, I find it touching what Mr. Roger has to offer. I don't know if the show is still on the air, but I hope children growing up today are influenced by the mores and perceptions he offered.

Death... or something

While driving to work this morning I caught a bit of the UK broadcast discussing the airing of someone taking their own life. Apparently, it is part of a documentary that was filmed a few years ago and will be seen on the British airways sometime soon. What caught my attention, more than the content of the radio broadcast, was how those interviewed never made a statement as to "... they should not be able to air such a thing...", the persons interviewed spoke more so as to say "... I hope that the content of the footage is done in a respectful manner..."

Perhaps this is not a significant point to be made, but it got me thinking about how Americans are so quick to point fingers and tell others what should and should not be done. Americans rave about their freedoms and opportunities, yet somehow it seems fictitious in a way. More and more, others are deciding what is best the public, instead of letting them decide for themselves. The opportunities are disappearing because there is too much of a liability. What ever happened to responsibility?

Silence

There is a silence where hath been no sound,

There is a silence where no sound may be,

In the cold grave—under the deep, deep sea,

Or in wide desert where no life is found,

Which hath been mute, and still must sleep profound;

No voice is hush'd—no life treads silently,

But clouds and cloudy shadows wander free,

That never spoke, over the idle ground:

But in green ruins, in the desolate walls

Of antique palaces, where Man hath been,

Though the dun fox or wild hyæna calls,

And owls, that flit continually between,

Shriek to the echo, and the low winds moan—

There the true Silence is, self-conscious and alone.

~ Thomas Hood (1798–1845)

Ramblings

look into my eyes
what a big surprise
oh, how can this be
forever we must see
hand in hand we move
through life's uncertainties
is it you
or is it me?
together, will we make it three?
a new life
yet unstarted
distantly appearing
free from life's rigidity
pleasant in uncertainty
how else can this be
that you are I
and I are we
circles, circles
everywhere
yet we end
where we began
moving forward
to start again
a lesson
yet unlearned
to be repeated
each time anew.

Say what??

“Communication is depositing a part of yourself in another person.” ~ Unknown

After the emotional roller coaster of effortlessly trying to meet with my adviser to discuss my still unfinished thesis [although that I am working towards finishing it... hence the purpose of the meeting], I walked way midday after the meeting practically glowing... not because he praised my work, not because I came to some profound understand, merely because we FINALLY communicated. In an age when one has a multitude of communication avenues, it seems that little communication actually occurs. However, the positiveness of today's meeting has set the tone for the weekend and hopefully the weeks that follow. With deadlines and much to be done, it's a pleasure to move through it all with a head raised and a smile on one's face greeting the mac truck coming straight for ya. At least that way one can enjoy the look on the driver's face as they are inevitably thinking, "OH SH*T!!"

“The way we communicate with others and with ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives” ~ Anthony Robbins

Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited, whereas imagination embraces the entire world, stimulating progress, giving birth to evolution.

~Albert Einstein

2nd Annual Friend's Seafood Thanksgiving

A full table, full stomachs, and a kitchen full of dirty dishes. What more does one want on the biggest poultry eating holiday of the year? How about a late Thanksgiving Eve trip to the local seafood market for get crab cakes and stuffed clams to go with the creamed corn hush puppies.... oh yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about.

Ah, I'm already looking forward to next year.....

Even Albert agrees

If I would be a young man again and had to decide how to make my living, I would not try to become a scientist or scholar or teacher. I would rather choose to be a plumber or a peddler in the hope to find that modest degree of independence still available under present circumstances.

~Albert Einstein

Sometimes falling in love is as much an act of criticism as criticism is an act of love.

~William Logan

A line or circle?

Who'da thunk it?

After reading Schwartz's essay [below] a light shined over the previous numerous years and I realized... I don't want to feel stupid ANYMORE! That said... perhaps a career change is in order.

-----------------------------------------------------
The importance of stupidity in scientific research

"I recently saw an old friend for the first time in many years. We had been Ph.D. students at the same time, both studying science, although in different areas. She later dropped out of graduate school, went to Harvard Law School and is now a senior lawyer for a major environmental organization. At some point, the conversation turned to why she had left graduate school. To my utter astonishment, she said it was because it made her feel stupid. After a couple of years of feeling stupid every day, she was ready to do something else.

I had thought of her as one of the brightest people I knew and her subsequent career supports that view. What she said bothered me. I kept thinking about it; sometime the next day, it hit me. Science makes me feel stupid too. It’s just that I’ve gotten used to it. So used to it, in fact, that I actively seek out new opportunities to feel
stupid. I wouldn’t know what to do without that feeling. I even think it’s supposed to be this way. Let me explain.

For almost all of us, one of the reasons that we liked science in high school and college is that we were good at it. That can’t be the only reason – fascination with understanding the physical world and an emotional need to discover new things has to enter into it too. But high-school and college science means taking courses, and
doing well in courses means getting the right answers on tests. If you know those answers, you do well and get to feel smart.

A Ph.D., in which you have to do a research project, is a whole different thing. For me, it was a daunting task. How could I possibly frame the questions that would lead to significant discoveries; design and interpret an experiment so that the conclusions were absolutely convincing; foresee difficulties and see ways around them, or, failing that, solve them when they occurred? My Ph.D. project was somewhat interdisciplinary and, for a while, whenever I ran into a problem, I pestered the faculty in my department who were experts in the various disciplines that I needed. I remember the day when Henry Taube (who won the Nobel Prize two years later) told me
he didn’t know how to solve the problem I was having in his area. I was a third-year graduate student and I figured that Taube knew about 1000 times more than I did (conservative estimate). If he didn’t have the answer, nobody did.

That’s when it hit me: nobody did. That’s why it was a research problem. And being my research problem, it was up to me to solve. Once I faced that fact, I solved the problem in a couple of days. (It wasn’t really very hard; I just had to try a few things.) The crucial lesson was that the scope of things I didn’t know wasn’t merely vast; it was, for all practical purposes, infinite. That realization, instead of
being discouraging, was liberating. If our ignorance is infinite, the only possible course of action is to muddle through as best we can.

I’d like to suggest that our Ph.D. programs often do students a disservice in two ways. First, I don’t think students are made to understand how hard it is to do research. And how very, very hard it is to do important research. It’s a lot harder than taking even very demanding courses. What makes it difficult is that research is
immersion in the unknown. We just don’t know what we’re doing. We can’t be sure whether we’re asking the right question or doing the right experiment until we get the answer or the result. Admittedly, science is made harder by competition for grants and space in top journals. But apart from all of that, doing significant
research is intrinsically hard and changing departmental, institutional or national policies will not succeed in lessening its intrinsic difficulty.

Second, we don’t do a good enough job of teaching our students how to be productively stupid – that is, if we don’t feel stupid it means we’re not really trying. I’m not talking about ‘relative stupidity’, in which the other students in the class actually read the material, think about it and ace the exam, whereas you don’t. I’m also not talking about bright people who might be working in areas that don’t match their talents. Science involves confronting our ‘absolute stupidity’. That kind of stupidity is an existential fact, inherent in our efforts to push our way into the unknown. Preliminary and thesis exams have the right idea when the faculty
committee pushes until the student starts getting the answers wrong or gives up and says, ‘I don’t know’. The point of the exam isn’t to see if the student gets all the answers right. If they do, it’s the faculty who failed the exam. The point is to identify the student’s weaknesses, partly to see where they need to invest some effort
and partly to see whether the student’s knowledge fails at a sufficiently high level that they are ready to take on a research project.

Productive stupidity means being ignorant by choice. Focusing on important questions puts us in the awkward position of being ignorant. One of the beautiful things about science is that it allows us to bumble along, getting it wrong time after time, and feel perfectly fine as long as we learn something each time. No doubt, this can be difficult for students who are accustomed to getting the answers right. No doubt, reasonable levels of confidence and emotional resilience help, but I think scientific education might do more to ease what is a very big transition: from learning what other people once discovered to making your own discoveries. The more comfortable we become with being stupid, the deeper we will wade into the unknown and the more likely we are to make big discoveries."*

*Schwartz, M. A. 2008. The importance of stupidity in scientific research. Journal of Cell Science 121:1771

Participation required

How quickly someone can become such a significant part of our lives, and how just as quickly they can disappear from it. I always try to be open to new experiences and interactions with people, but still I have a hard time moving through this time. The awkward time, where you are trying to get your bearings and find the ground under your feet... like the slack line that is created when tension on a rope seizes. You have to prepare and brace yourself, for when the tension returns, it can throw you, if you are not ready. However, I find it hard to ground myself after such experiences. I feel deflated, as though I expanded myself to include another and now that they are not there anymore, that part of me sinks, like a deflated balloon. Perhaps over time the elasticity will increase, otherwise the only way to not get to this point is to not make a space for others. But that just seems wrong... to not let others in? That is one of the few things that make life worth living to me... becoming apart of other people's lives... occupying a small fraction of their world and vica versa.

It just hurts when they choose not to participate anymore.

Today is a good day

We see the world through our own two eyes
a personal view
subjective
some don't realize.

When the weighted pain
and hurtful acts
are gone
one questions,
Will a sequel come?

For the cycles of life
and ruts yet unfilled
keep repeating the actions
that can make one ill.

Yet each day
we live and learn
a new experience embraced.
As the sun rises and sets
our love's spread through its rays.

Plumbing issues

The days blur by like the stationary memories caught out of the corner of one's eye as this carousel of life rotates out of control. While the carousel generally stays in motion, I feel like the intermittent short stops and starts [once thought of as peaks and valleys] are temporary clogs in the flow of life's pipeline and I wonder if it somehow is simply inertia. Perhaps we accumulate these small and slight resistances over time to the point where we clog the fluidity that ignites our lives.

Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing in one's own sunshine.

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Quote of the week

Happiness is not a station to arrive at, but a manner of traveling.

~Margaret Lee Runbeck

Morning thoughts....

The charm and simplicity of a small towne have a way of mesmerizing you into forgetting about all the material obsessions and distractions that large cities offer. Although after moving here, I was a bit unthrilled with not having certain things readily accessible, such as a funky local coffee shop, bike shop, independent/foreign movie house, or available dog friendly housing opportunities, the change has enabled me to focus more on what is really necessary. Always one to aiming for the simplistic approach, I see this move as a catalyst in that direction in a way. Granted, I would like to have a full sized couch in my apartment and eventually a television [to watch movies on... this is a cable free zone, except internet of course... I do have some frivolous expenses], these are material things I can live without. As with other things in my life lately, even though I don't think this next chapter that I have begun is necessarily what I wanted, it is, in many ways, what I needed.....

Morning walk spider web siting

Blah.......

Sitting in my office looking out at the sun glistening off the water, wishing I could turn time back... back to the 4th of July, where the air AND water were warm, sweat poured as fluid as the beer, music was in the air, as well as good conversations from good company. It was a good weekend.

As of late, I feel like the world [at least the US] is crumbling around me. NPR has turned into a negative nancy with little positive information. Generally my preferential choice of media, the recent catastrophic events leave me with a sour outlook. Waking to that every morning is a sure way to keep the suicide hotlines and the antidepressant corporations in business.

Coincidentally, as the world around me is falling apart, so to is my personal world. Or should I say my personal world is giving way to the world around me. Through all I have endured over my short 20 something stink thus far, I seem to cower when faced with the pressures of benefit plans, retirement options, and other what seem like monumental money missions that I have yet been briefed on.

While dealing with these monetary muddlings, I am also trying to keep a logical and emotional balanced perspective in a new relationship. Something that should not be difficult for a well-adjusted person. Unfortunately, that is not me and the current battle is can and when to trust that another isn't going to pull away and disappear. Sometimes is seems better to just keep them outside, to not let them in.... and I question, is it worth it? The voice inside my head says yes, but my heart stays silent.

As I listen to Tristan Prettyman's You Got Me.... I hope my heart will speak up......

After the cocktail party, Brennan hooked up his lights so we could watch them dance to the music.

Beer Can Races

At this weeks sailboat gathering, the first in years, there was a good turn out. The Snark Sunflower made it's first appearance in the past decade. Brad was able to get our Laser in the water after some extensive body work and Roger brought his Laser out. Brennan captained the DC and had up to three other people sailing.



A fun time was had by all and we hope to see more boats out next time.

In motion

The weather has been cool and rainy lately, with the essence of fall... even though it is merely August. As time slips away, my thesis is still hovering, like a strict grade-school teacher, never letting up. All the while I never have a moment to myself. It is great to be in an environment that welcomes activity and honors the simple interaction between people. Yet, I am starting to miss the quiet time with myself and feel myself wanting to pull back. there is a restlessness from still having unpacked boxes lying around and things constantly being moved, having not yet found their place. The more I move, the more I find ease and familiarity quickly in new environments, yet never quite feel at home. But then, what is home anyway?

"You know that point in your life when you realize that the house you grew up in isn’t really your home anymore…all of the sudden even though you have some place to put your shit, that idea of home is gone…or maybe it's like this rite of passage…you will never have that feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself..." ~ Zach Braff in Garden State

In migrating to North Carolina 3 years ago, I made a large effort in creating a new home for myself; however, it was lacking the family aspect and support of friends that are essential in the fulfillment of my life. Nearing the year stint in Greenville, I was fortunate enough to walk leave having made a few friends, which I will cherish, and start anew.

The translocation and new career beginnings have brought much of the unexpected. I have connected with a few people forming strong relationships that are unfolding beautifully. However, the transitional feeling and homelessness still lingers, roots are still laying on top of the earth, and floating on the water, adrift, is the feeling that surrounds, spurring the question, "Will I ever have a home?"

Over time, perhaps this will become my home and when asked, "Where are you from?", I will no longer instinctively reply, "Florida." Perhaps the day will come when that question is followed by a pause or a different answer, but until then, I am floating, adrift, trying to catch my bearings, taking in the passing scenery, trying not to focus too much on the past, but what is up ahead.

Porch-sittin' and Hootenannys

Cinema By The Sea: Bourne Ultimatum Crew

First time tubing off Carrot Island

Straw Hat Sistas

Note: All pix courtesy of Sarah Freidl

Quote of the Week

The more you try to be interested in other people, the more you find out about yourself.

~Thea Astley

The past few months have been filled with newness. Moving to a new place, starting a new job, meeting new people, loosing a family member, and reconnecting with others. Emotionally, it has been trying, but exhilarating at the same time. Expecting to endure a few years of solitude while desperately trying to reach out, I have been pleasantly surprised with the openness of the community here. It somehow confirms all the things I already knew I needed, but was unable to access.

The importance of friendship.
How good communication is a requirement for effective work.
The merriment that is created from inclusiveness.

Simple little things that are common sense and apart of most people's lives, yet have been amiss the last few places I've lived. What is even more wonderful is that the majority of people here want to be here and that makes a huge difference. It reminds me of St. Augustine in a lot of ways... and I love it. I still miss my hometown frequently, but it is nice to feel welcomed and apart of a community.

Morehead City Life

Holiday Weekend Festivities

Embarking on a new chapter.

In a whirlwind week, new beginnings and endings passed, like a rain shower moving along the coast.

While trying to finish up my thesis, I've accepted a position doing shoreline change and additional research in the New River Estuary area, near Jacksonville, NC. Shortly after accepting the position and securing an apartment (which was a much harder activity than expected due to the rental property owners lack of pet policies) I headed south to relax for a few days on a surprise trip (surprise for everyone else but, planned over a month in advance). During four days filled with friends and family, the importance of those relationships weighted heavily upon me making the last hours slightly upsetting. With a heavy heart, I boarded the north bound train and sat filled with gratitude for the special people in my life and excited about the new ventures that lie ahead.

As the clouds trail behind the rain showers and the sun begins to dry the moistened earth, I am reminded of what is important and hold it close to my heart as I begin a new chapter in life.

Another lollipop

Life is full of the unexpected... and most of the time I try to focus on the positive. Yes, it sucks to have your heart broken, but be grateful that you allowed yourself to be vulnerable enough to love another. Yes, having the one person closest to you betray your trust is tough to swallow and even more to let them go, but you wish them well and move on in your life, cherishing the good time you had together. But at the moment, I'm a bit p*ssed off at life and am having trouble seeing the positive. Actually, no, I see it, it's right there, but.... it's a little like this:

Image a young child who has worked so hard, diligently performing all his tasks, everything that has been asked of him, even more than what was asked of him, all the be rewarded with a lollipop. A scrumptious crystallized mouth watering sweet filled lollipop.... and just as he has been handed this lollipop and his little lips, moist with salivation, wrap around the hard sweetness of the lollipop.... a bird sh*ts in his head.

Perhaps some would have no trouble ignoring the foul smell and liquid running down the side of their face as they indulge in their lollipop, but I, for one, cannot.

... and that is how I feel at this moment, in addition to other unresolved emotions that I do not quite know what to do with nor do I know where to begin the write about them.

The present of being present

The ancient Masters were profound and subtle.
Thier wisdom was unfathomable.
There is no way to describe it;
all we can describe is their appearance.

They were careful
as someone crossing an iced-over stream.
Alert as a warrior in enemy territory.
Courteous as a guest.
Fluid as melting ice.
Shapable as a block of wood.
Receptive as a valley.
Clear as a glass of water.

Do you have the patience to wait
till you mud settles and the water is clear?
Can you remain unmoving
till the right action arises by itself?

The Master doesn't seek fulfillment.
Not seeking, not expecting,
she is present, and can welcome all things.

Focusing on the little h

Through my time here in North Carolina, I feel the majority of it has been spent trying to dig myself out of the familiar depressional hole, which I was ever so comfortably curled up in last night, but I have decided that just because most of what I want in my life is not available where I am, I am not going to allow my remaining time here to be miserable.

Although I do not have much nrg and have been thoroughly broken multiple times, I am going to smile in the face of the sh*t laden path that lies before me and focusing on the flowers lining the edge. For in the long run, my unhappiness only impacts myself...

The big H

If happiness is not for me,
so then, what do I see?

Flames of red,
burning bright.
And oceans of blue
dark as the night.

A heavy heart,
full of holes.
Each absence made,
from loves untold.

A scared little girl,
all alone.
Wishing for someone,
to bring her home.

Quote of the week

Life is a train of moods like a string of beads; and as we pass through them they prove to be many colored lenses, which paint the world their own hue, and each shows us only what lies in its own focus.

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Quote of the week

We do not have to visit a madhouse to find disordered minds; our planet is the mental institution of the universe.

~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Flying high...

With travel funds in need of use, those involved in the sea-level rise project took turns getting an aerial view of the Neuse River Estuary, NC study areas. Having been my first time in a small aircraft, I was a bit nervous, but we had great weather and a fabulously accommodating pilot. We flew out of New Bern, which is located in the western part of the study area, where the Neuse River feeds into the estuary. From there, we headed east out toward Pamlico Sound and took a quick detour to circle around Portsmouth Island and then headed back along the north side of the Neuse River Estuary. It was great to see the areas that I have been analyzing on the computer screen for the past few years in person from the same perspective, but at a smaller scale.

Someone asks, how is __?

Why do my thoughts go to you? Now, as before I think of you. Someone asks about you and I don't know how to respond. It is like speaking of you takes my breadth away... and with it part of me. Will I ever stop thinking of you? I hope so, but part of me cringes thinking that day will come.

Good morning sun

Ecstatic at the chance to get away for the a few days, I gladly accepted the invitation to accompany one of the biology professors on his bi-annual visit to an ongoing project in the Virginia Coast Reserve (VCR). The participants of this venture included a few biology professors (two ECU and one from University of Virginia), two located in Oyster Bay. We left late Thursday night, which was a nice change as opposed to leaving really early in the morning, arriving @ VCR sometime before midnight. It was the farthest north I ridden along the east coast. We crossed over the Chesapeake Bay Bridge-Tunnel, which for those of you who do not know, is this long @ss bridge with a tunnel that goes underground so that ships can pass overhead through Chesapeake Bay uninterrupted. Although engineering wise, it's a great idea, the concept still boggles me... I just kept thinking, what if there is a crack in the foundation... would be engulfed by water? How does the tunnel not collapse with the pressure from the massive amount of water pushing down? As the tired, knowledgeable professors fielded my questions, I was informed that the tunnel was made through the bedrock, which simply spurred a different wave of questions.... Would the bedrock surrounding the tunnel collapse? I quickly curtailed my questions so as not to frustrate my traveling companions and soon we were out on the other side of the tunnel.

The next morning, I rose early to greet the sun as it's rays reflected off the water, warming the crisp Virginia air and after a relaxing breakfast, we headed out into the field, which consists of a large spartina and juncus filled marsh transitioning into an upland of pine. During the day and a half field work I assisted Dr. Brinson in collecting SET (surface elevation table) data. After have heard about the SETs for the past few years, it was really nice to actually see how it worked. For those interested, the SET consists of a pipe that has been driven into the ground (generally to the bedrock) and the measuring device is an arm that is placed into the pipe which has pins that extend down to the surface. Being that all the heights are known, the change in surface elevation is determined based on how far down the pins drop to reach the surface of the marsh.


Having not worked with this group much, I was not quite what to expect, but found that I had a good time and learned a lot. One thing I really like about Dr. Brinson is how eager he is to teach and I really enjoyed learning about the area. We discussed the transitioning of marsh to upland (a hot topic in relation to the SLR project we are involved with) and it felt so good to be learning something new and relevant (the fact that it is an event to learn something new and relevant saddens me, considering that is what I always considered grad school was about, but what can you do?).



In summary, it was a pleasant get away. The weather was perfect for working in the marsh... a slight breeze to keep the bugs at bay and the bright full sun igniting the silenced wetland.

Quote of the Week

You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.

~Eleanor Roosevelt

Can amyone say manic?

So a few days ago, I could care less if I took another breath. And although I still feel the same way, for some reason I feel like I just took a happy pill. It's great... I feel utterly euphoric and slap happy. I have not idea what brought it on, but I hope it stays around. I could do with this every day!

What it's all about?

Today is one of those days I ask myself repeatedly, "what am I dong here?", only to hear nothingness that follows after your echo has faded into a chasm. I bust my ass day after day, and what for? I've yet to find an answer. Call it self-pity or the more trendy term, depression... but I really don't see a point in my existence and I'm getting so damn frustrated with this thing people call living. Frankly, I really don't care.

When people talk about goals and aspirations, all I want is to be happy. A rather trite response, but really, it's true. That does not necessarily involve wealth or many material things. More importantly, I find happiness in the relationships of those I care about... and seeing as those relationships don't have similar weight with others as I watch these relationships slowly break-down and/or be disregarded, I feel more and more alone as the years pass.

After enduring a heavily traumatic time when I was younger, the only way I was able to come to terms with still being alive was that it was for the people in my life. Now, 11 years later, I continuously feel alone. Not the alone where you have time to yourself and can take a bubble bath, but the kind where you are in a room surrounded by people aching to have a meaningful connection and somehow you are the pink elephant that everyone is trying to ignore exists.

Maybe this pity party is due to lack of sleep... or unfulfilled expectations.... as a friend pointed out today, I have much to be thankful for... and I am very grateful for all that has been offered to me. Regardless, when you look around and see all the shit piling up around you, you get used to the smell rather quickly, but the scent stains your clothes forever.

It's hormonal

Apparently, current research determined that lack of sleep affect people's appetite, releasing hormones that make them want to eat more. Additionally, research on children concluded that children who sleep more when young, grow up to be less over weight than those sleep less.

Those kiddie naps are uber important and in times of stress more sleep can counteract that need to over eat.

Overcasted hincasting

The sky has turned overcast and my mood has turned complacent. After seeing a friends artwork last night, a person who is surrounded by people who care for him constantly, I realizes he feels similarly alone, combating the evils that life introduces to each of us. It somehow put things in perspective for me a bit. All this time, I've seen his pleasant, yet distractively contemplative temperament as one of a person with a full life who spread himself thinly, but had his priorities close to his heart. As I've seen him as a soldier marching through the battle battle of life with an army of people, I'm very surprised and saddened to know he sees himself marching alone, with only his family and faith as his foundation and distant accompaniment.

It made me question the extent of the illusion we call reality.

Woohoo.. new puter!

So far so good...

After my HP laptop started showing signs of its age [it is about 5 years old, I think], I started looking into what the current prices and capabilities of laptops were. Not a huge Microsoft fan, but a slave to it being that I am a scientist and desperately trying to finish my thesis [I decided not is not the time to get creative with software compatibilities and capabilities], I had/have put my foot down when it came to VISTA. I'd decided that I wanted a machine w/ XP and as time moved on, that seemed to becoming more and more of an issue with Microsoft phasing XP out.

So, when my HP's A/C adapter died, I hesitantly decided to take the plunge and purchase a new laptop. I was able to find an ACER w/ XP and all the basic requirements on my list. Although it was hard to even consider parting w/ the money [even though I had put away for it knowing the end was coming], I bought it and was anxiously awaiting it's arrival.

Last night I picked up the ACER from UPS and was up until the wee hours of the morning, getting things installed and up to date. It was so exciting, I felt like a child the morning of it's birthday when they first realize what their birthday, meticulously checking the machine and finding little surprises here and there. Unlike most large purchases, I had not researched the product thoroughly. I read over the few reviews I could find and looked at the specs, but overall I found the information to be a bit spotty, leaving me with some hesitation. However, things seems to be up and running well at the moment. The ACER feels really solid [and was described as heavier ultra-portable in the CNET review] and although it may be heavier than other ultra-portables, it's still a lot lighter than my HP and it a 12.1", which I'm really liking. One of the surprises is a webcam that takes pix [see pix below taken at the local tea shop].

Weather forecast

With a crick in my neck, having overslept, greeted by a schizophrenic sun, playing hide and seek with the clouds, while misty rain drops fall like tears, like the internal battle of mixed emotions, to love and be revered.

Quote of the week

Life is change.
Growth is optional.
Choose wisely.

~ Karen Kasier Clark

Mail order makes me realize how impatient I am.

Friday realization

Upon waking at 6 a.m. this morning, a feat I have been trying to accomplish for the past few weeks, I realized something... the reason I have such trouble getting up early here is because it's so damn cold. I don't blame myself for not wanting to get out of bed when all there is to look forward to is shivering while putting on numerous amounts of clothing.

It just simply reaffirms the fact that I need to live in a warmer environment... and makes me question if I should even considering staying in North Carolina for work....

Isn't there a tropical island that needs a coastal scientist or simply someone to wander the beach from sunrise to sunset...

Sitting here I feel like a visitor, in my own body and my life. I look down and see my hands typing on the keyboard, yet it seems foreign.... everything seems foreign. People feel so distant although they are an arm's length away and my soul feels like it is barely tethered to my body, preferring to be elsewhere. When I am here and present I feel a suffocating sadness that is unconsolable. Why? The answer I do not know, but it causes self-punishing lethargic actions, facilitating the cycle.

Oxymoronousness of life

So, my graduate career is coming to an end, yet I am ever so slowly moving towards the eminent light at the end of the tunnel. With so many different thoughts swirling around, it's hard to keep focus... even now, in this post... so please bare with me.

What am I talking about? Well, about a week ago, I interviewed at one of the NOAA research stations for an upcoming position. The interview went well, I think they were impressed with my work, and the position sounds like it would be a mix of some of what I've been doing and the opportunity to learn some new things. The research station is located in a coastal town, near the Atlantic Ocean. Sounds great, right? Yet, my initial feeling was far from joy and more like apprehension.

After speaking w/ my adviser, which opened up additional options and relieved stress surrounding the availability of summer funding, I felt a lot better. Now, with options before me I feel split, wanting to make a decision about the future before being finished with my thesis. It seems logic has prevailed in this conflict and I am leaning toward accepting the position [the is if it offered] and finishing up my thesis close the ocean with multiple trips back to Greenville... that is if I can have my cake and eat it too.

Only time will tell what the future holds....

Say hello to my new little friend

This past week there has been a new addition to my little world... Henrietta. After lots of research, we have finally found a peaceful, abundant area where she can swim around. Since their native habitat is the rice paddies of Thailand, I wanted to incorporate some aquatic plants, which were relatively inexpensive at Petsmart. She seems to like the Ludwigia more than the Java Fern. She is only about 7 months old and I think she has already increased in size. It looks like she is beginning to develop a coloured strip horizontal strip on her sides; I look forward to watching her grow and see how she changes.

Quote of the week

Great necessities call out great virtues.

~Abigail Adams

Down w/ a cold

With the sun shining and the temps increasing to what has become tolerable [the highs the past few days have been in the high 60's...the fact that this is considered a more pleasant temperature makes me very sad], it's really bumming me out that I am still down with a cold. This morning is the first morning I've awoke feeling tired and crappy. The past few mornings, I felt fine, but had a stuffy nose and some chest congestion.

Generally, I take this time to rest and let my body heal itself... taking it as a signal for needing self nurturing; however, it seems that is the last thing I want to do. I want to go to the gym and for rides, be active and enjoy that feeling when you are healthy. During the winter this feeling vanishes and I enter more of a sustaining mode, where it is all I can do not to over eat, gain 20 pounds, and curl into a ball waiting for the warmth.

I must admit... it is nice to spend time w/ Karza. I wish she could accompany me everywhere.

Back from the snow and with it a cold...

On the leap day of 2008 this Florida girl saw snow for the first time. After being invited to join a group of friends on a snow filled birthday weekend bash, the anticipation of seeing, smelling, touching, and tumbling in the snow has been igniting me.

The trip started off smoothly and remained as such through the entire weekend. My reservations about what to bring to how things were going to play out, quickly subsided as I met up in with friends in Raleigh to carpool the remaining four hours to the wonderful Winterplace wunderland we were staying at in West Virginia.

The route was similar to that I had taken to Kentucky, in August, which included a few tunnels, spying Pilot Mountain, and exposed outcrop [that's rock that has been cut through vertically exposing the layering and orientation of the various rocks over the years... for those not continuously bombarded with geologic terms].

As we entered West Virgina, snow flurries greeted us and we started to see the accumulation on the road side and I was getting more and more excited that I was going to get to see SNOW! On our way to the lodge, we stopped and picked up our rental skis, before which I played outside in the snow and took in the white wistful flurriment... all the while it still did not seem real.

This feeling extended throughout the entire trip, even when we were in skiing school [a previous ski instructor, one of the people in the group gave all of us newbies a quick run down on how to ski]. Being back in NC, with temps finally approaching warm enough to be bearable [the high today is 77 degrees F], the trip really does seem like a dream.

It was wonderful to be invited on the trip and have it ACTUALLY happen. The group was full of kind hearted folk who were very embracing. Even though I was not a superb skier, I look forward to trying it again. It was a great experience; however, I cannot wait for the warmth of summer to arrive and visits to the beach to begin!

Quote of the Week

Our feelings are our most genuine paths to knowledge.

~Audre Lorde

Taking action

There is a great short documentary on a few people who helped out to move someone via bike. Filmed by Street Films and featured on TreeHugger, it worth checking out. So, who wants to help me move this summer?

Lunar eclipse

This week was the third total lunar eclipse within the past year and I was excited to be able to observe it. AFter picking up a few beers from the local beer shop, conveniently located around the corner from my place, I headed over to a friends place to sit outside in the freezing cold and watch the partial, full, and partial eclipsing of the moon. Unfortunatley, the clouds swooped in during the first partial but cleared just after reaching full eclipse. It was beautiful to see the receeding partial eclipse, as the light slowly filled the shadowed moon... making me think of how easily people could have interpreted such an event as an act of the gods or a punishment.

Note: Photograph taken by Ben

V Day present

In an email this morning, I received a valentine's day greetings from a friend with this pix of a sycamore tree. It made me smile and realize that it's been too long since I've noticed such little details in my surrounding... a trait the comes natural to me, yet has been unused because I have been contained within my hovel. So as a valentine's day present to myself, I am going to treat myself with a walk this afternoon to take in all the beauty that surrounds me.

Too late

Sitting in my co-advisor's office, after being summoned like a child in grade school to the principal's office, I sat there on the verge of tears listening to him bumbling through words trying to express his thoughts about the discussion section of a chapter in my thesis. As the overwhelming emotions rose and fell with thoughts of never finishing my thesis and leaving this place, I would find myself missing words here and there. However, because he was having such trouble communicating, I was still able to get the gist and sat there listening, feeling more and more helpless.

Although I appreciated him asking to speak with me and taking the time to sit with me and express his thoughts, all I kept thinking was that it was too late..... perhaps three and a half months ago, when I first gave him the rough draft would have been more appropriate, but now... now... it's just too late. After a productive meeting, in that I understand [though I may not agree with] what he wants me to do, he offers a "good job" as I exit his office.... yet again... too late.

There are those moments in life, when something is appropriate and peaking in its value or effect. Like the look from a new lover that tells you how at that moment, you are all they desire... the apology from someone you care about when they hurt your feelings.... or the silent embrace when someone is in pain. All these things and many more do not have the same impact if they occur later in time. It's just too late......

Lately, I feel wound up.. and I don't think it's the caffeine talking. I've noticed that I have been much more detailed oriented, if that's possible, and anal about organizing and compartmentalizing things. At first I thought it was because perhaps I was overcompensating for a lack on control in other areas in my life... but while reading a passage in a book, I could feel a flood of emotions. This makes me think that my recent compulsivity may be a way of keeping the lid on so that I am not overrun with emotions.

... and I thought things were going so well, considering.