After the cocktail party, Brennan hooked up his lights so we could watch them dance to the music.

Beer Can Races

At this weeks sailboat gathering, the first in years, there was a good turn out. The Snark Sunflower made it's first appearance in the past decade. Brad was able to get our Laser in the water after some extensive body work and Roger brought his Laser out. Brennan captained the DC and had up to three other people sailing.



A fun time was had by all and we hope to see more boats out next time.

In motion

The weather has been cool and rainy lately, with the essence of fall... even though it is merely August. As time slips away, my thesis is still hovering, like a strict grade-school teacher, never letting up. All the while I never have a moment to myself. It is great to be in an environment that welcomes activity and honors the simple interaction between people. Yet, I am starting to miss the quiet time with myself and feel myself wanting to pull back. there is a restlessness from still having unpacked boxes lying around and things constantly being moved, having not yet found their place. The more I move, the more I find ease and familiarity quickly in new environments, yet never quite feel at home. But then, what is home anyway?

"You know that point in your life when you realize that the house you grew up in isn’t really your home anymore…all of the sudden even though you have some place to put your shit, that idea of home is gone…or maybe it's like this rite of passage…you will never have that feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself..." ~ Zach Braff in Garden State

In migrating to North Carolina 3 years ago, I made a large effort in creating a new home for myself; however, it was lacking the family aspect and support of friends that are essential in the fulfillment of my life. Nearing the year stint in Greenville, I was fortunate enough to walk leave having made a few friends, which I will cherish, and start anew.

The translocation and new career beginnings have brought much of the unexpected. I have connected with a few people forming strong relationships that are unfolding beautifully. However, the transitional feeling and homelessness still lingers, roots are still laying on top of the earth, and floating on the water, adrift, is the feeling that surrounds, spurring the question, "Will I ever have a home?"

Over time, perhaps this will become my home and when asked, "Where are you from?", I will no longer instinctively reply, "Florida." Perhaps the day will come when that question is followed by a pause or a different answer, but until then, I am floating, adrift, trying to catch my bearings, taking in the passing scenery, trying not to focus too much on the past, but what is up ahead.

Porch-sittin' and Hootenannys

Cinema By The Sea: Bourne Ultimatum Crew

First time tubing off Carrot Island

Straw Hat Sistas

Note: All pix courtesy of Sarah Freidl

Quote of the Week

The more you try to be interested in other people, the more you find out about yourself.

~Thea Astley

The past few months have been filled with newness. Moving to a new place, starting a new job, meeting new people, loosing a family member, and reconnecting with others. Emotionally, it has been trying, but exhilarating at the same time. Expecting to endure a few years of solitude while desperately trying to reach out, I have been pleasantly surprised with the openness of the community here. It somehow confirms all the things I already knew I needed, but was unable to access.

The importance of friendship.
How good communication is a requirement for effective work.
The merriment that is created from inclusiveness.

Simple little things that are common sense and apart of most people's lives, yet have been amiss the last few places I've lived. What is even more wonderful is that the majority of people here want to be here and that makes a huge difference. It reminds me of St. Augustine in a lot of ways... and I love it. I still miss my hometown frequently, but it is nice to feel welcomed and apart of a community.

Morehead City Life

Holiday Weekend Festivities

Embarking on a new chapter.

In a whirlwind week, new beginnings and endings passed, like a rain shower moving along the coast.

While trying to finish up my thesis, I've accepted a position doing shoreline change and additional research in the New River Estuary area, near Jacksonville, NC. Shortly after accepting the position and securing an apartment (which was a much harder activity than expected due to the rental property owners lack of pet policies) I headed south to relax for a few days on a surprise trip (surprise for everyone else but, planned over a month in advance). During four days filled with friends and family, the importance of those relationships weighted heavily upon me making the last hours slightly upsetting. With a heavy heart, I boarded the north bound train and sat filled with gratitude for the special people in my life and excited about the new ventures that lie ahead.

As the clouds trail behind the rain showers and the sun begins to dry the moistened earth, I am reminded of what is important and hold it close to my heart as I begin a new chapter in life.

Another lollipop

Life is full of the unexpected... and most of the time I try to focus on the positive. Yes, it sucks to have your heart broken, but be grateful that you allowed yourself to be vulnerable enough to love another. Yes, having the one person closest to you betray your trust is tough to swallow and even more to let them go, but you wish them well and move on in your life, cherishing the good time you had together. But at the moment, I'm a bit p*ssed off at life and am having trouble seeing the positive. Actually, no, I see it, it's right there, but.... it's a little like this:

Image a young child who has worked so hard, diligently performing all his tasks, everything that has been asked of him, even more than what was asked of him, all the be rewarded with a lollipop. A scrumptious crystallized mouth watering sweet filled lollipop.... and just as he has been handed this lollipop and his little lips, moist with salivation, wrap around the hard sweetness of the lollipop.... a bird sh*ts in his head.

Perhaps some would have no trouble ignoring the foul smell and liquid running down the side of their face as they indulge in their lollipop, but I, for one, cannot.

... and that is how I feel at this moment, in addition to other unresolved emotions that I do not quite know what to do with nor do I know where to begin the write about them.

The present of being present

The ancient Masters were profound and subtle.
Thier wisdom was unfathomable.
There is no way to describe it;
all we can describe is their appearance.

They were careful
as someone crossing an iced-over stream.
Alert as a warrior in enemy territory.
Courteous as a guest.
Fluid as melting ice.
Shapable as a block of wood.
Receptive as a valley.
Clear as a glass of water.

Do you have the patience to wait
till you mud settles and the water is clear?
Can you remain unmoving
till the right action arises by itself?

The Master doesn't seek fulfillment.
Not seeking, not expecting,
she is present, and can welcome all things.

Focusing on the little h

Through my time here in North Carolina, I feel the majority of it has been spent trying to dig myself out of the familiar depressional hole, which I was ever so comfortably curled up in last night, but I have decided that just because most of what I want in my life is not available where I am, I am not going to allow my remaining time here to be miserable.

Although I do not have much nrg and have been thoroughly broken multiple times, I am going to smile in the face of the sh*t laden path that lies before me and focusing on the flowers lining the edge. For in the long run, my unhappiness only impacts myself...

The big H

If happiness is not for me,
so then, what do I see?

Flames of red,
burning bright.
And oceans of blue
dark as the night.

A heavy heart,
full of holes.
Each absence made,
from loves untold.

A scared little girl,
all alone.
Wishing for someone,
to bring her home.

Quote of the week

Life is a train of moods like a string of beads; and as we pass through them they prove to be many colored lenses, which paint the world their own hue, and each shows us only what lies in its own focus.

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Quote of the week

We do not have to visit a madhouse to find disordered minds; our planet is the mental institution of the universe.

~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Flying high...

With travel funds in need of use, those involved in the sea-level rise project took turns getting an aerial view of the Neuse River Estuary, NC study areas. Having been my first time in a small aircraft, I was a bit nervous, but we had great weather and a fabulously accommodating pilot. We flew out of New Bern, which is located in the western part of the study area, where the Neuse River feeds into the estuary. From there, we headed east out toward Pamlico Sound and took a quick detour to circle around Portsmouth Island and then headed back along the north side of the Neuse River Estuary. It was great to see the areas that I have been analyzing on the computer screen for the past few years in person from the same perspective, but at a smaller scale.

Someone asks, how is __?

Why do my thoughts go to you? Now, as before I think of you. Someone asks about you and I don't know how to respond. It is like speaking of you takes my breadth away... and with it part of me. Will I ever stop thinking of you? I hope so, but part of me cringes thinking that day will come.

Good morning sun

Ecstatic at the chance to get away for the a few days, I gladly accepted the invitation to accompany one of the biology professors on his bi-annual visit to an ongoing project in the Virginia Coast Reserve (VCR). The participants of this venture included a few biology professors (two ECU and one from University of Virginia), two located in Oyster Bay. We left late Thursday night, which was a nice change as opposed to leaving really early in the morning, arriving @ VCR sometime before midnight. It was the farthest north I ridden along the east coast. We crossed over the Chesapeake Bay Bridge-Tunnel, which for those of you who do not know, is this long @ss bridge with a tunnel that goes underground so that ships can pass overhead through Chesapeake Bay uninterrupted. Although engineering wise, it's a great idea, the concept still boggles me... I just kept thinking, what if there is a crack in the foundation... would be engulfed by water? How does the tunnel not collapse with the pressure from the massive amount of water pushing down? As the tired, knowledgeable professors fielded my questions, I was informed that the tunnel was made through the bedrock, which simply spurred a different wave of questions.... Would the bedrock surrounding the tunnel collapse? I quickly curtailed my questions so as not to frustrate my traveling companions and soon we were out on the other side of the tunnel.

The next morning, I rose early to greet the sun as it's rays reflected off the water, warming the crisp Virginia air and after a relaxing breakfast, we headed out into the field, which consists of a large spartina and juncus filled marsh transitioning into an upland of pine. During the day and a half field work I assisted Dr. Brinson in collecting SET (surface elevation table) data. After have heard about the SETs for the past few years, it was really nice to actually see how it worked. For those interested, the SET consists of a pipe that has been driven into the ground (generally to the bedrock) and the measuring device is an arm that is placed into the pipe which has pins that extend down to the surface. Being that all the heights are known, the change in surface elevation is determined based on how far down the pins drop to reach the surface of the marsh.


Having not worked with this group much, I was not quite what to expect, but found that I had a good time and learned a lot. One thing I really like about Dr. Brinson is how eager he is to teach and I really enjoyed learning about the area. We discussed the transitioning of marsh to upland (a hot topic in relation to the SLR project we are involved with) and it felt so good to be learning something new and relevant (the fact that it is an event to learn something new and relevant saddens me, considering that is what I always considered grad school was about, but what can you do?).



In summary, it was a pleasant get away. The weather was perfect for working in the marsh... a slight breeze to keep the bugs at bay and the bright full sun igniting the silenced wetland.

Quote of the Week

You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.

~Eleanor Roosevelt

Can amyone say manic?

So a few days ago, I could care less if I took another breath. And although I still feel the same way, for some reason I feel like I just took a happy pill. It's great... I feel utterly euphoric and slap happy. I have not idea what brought it on, but I hope it stays around. I could do with this every day!

What it's all about?

Today is one of those days I ask myself repeatedly, "what am I dong here?", only to hear nothingness that follows after your echo has faded into a chasm. I bust my ass day after day, and what for? I've yet to find an answer. Call it self-pity or the more trendy term, depression... but I really don't see a point in my existence and I'm getting so damn frustrated with this thing people call living. Frankly, I really don't care.

When people talk about goals and aspirations, all I want is to be happy. A rather trite response, but really, it's true. That does not necessarily involve wealth or many material things. More importantly, I find happiness in the relationships of those I care about... and seeing as those relationships don't have similar weight with others as I watch these relationships slowly break-down and/or be disregarded, I feel more and more alone as the years pass.

After enduring a heavily traumatic time when I was younger, the only way I was able to come to terms with still being alive was that it was for the people in my life. Now, 11 years later, I continuously feel alone. Not the alone where you have time to yourself and can take a bubble bath, but the kind where you are in a room surrounded by people aching to have a meaningful connection and somehow you are the pink elephant that everyone is trying to ignore exists.

Maybe this pity party is due to lack of sleep... or unfulfilled expectations.... as a friend pointed out today, I have much to be thankful for... and I am very grateful for all that has been offered to me. Regardless, when you look around and see all the shit piling up around you, you get used to the smell rather quickly, but the scent stains your clothes forever.

It's hormonal

Apparently, current research determined that lack of sleep affect people's appetite, releasing hormones that make them want to eat more. Additionally, research on children concluded that children who sleep more when young, grow up to be less over weight than those sleep less.

Those kiddie naps are uber important and in times of stress more sleep can counteract that need to over eat.

Overcasted hincasting

The sky has turned overcast and my mood has turned complacent. After seeing a friends artwork last night, a person who is surrounded by people who care for him constantly, I realizes he feels similarly alone, combating the evils that life introduces to each of us. It somehow put things in perspective for me a bit. All this time, I've seen his pleasant, yet distractively contemplative temperament as one of a person with a full life who spread himself thinly, but had his priorities close to his heart. As I've seen him as a soldier marching through the battle battle of life with an army of people, I'm very surprised and saddened to know he sees himself marching alone, with only his family and faith as his foundation and distant accompaniment.

It made me question the extent of the illusion we call reality.

Woohoo.. new puter!

So far so good...

After my HP laptop started showing signs of its age [it is about 5 years old, I think], I started looking into what the current prices and capabilities of laptops were. Not a huge Microsoft fan, but a slave to it being that I am a scientist and desperately trying to finish my thesis [I decided not is not the time to get creative with software compatibilities and capabilities], I had/have put my foot down when it came to VISTA. I'd decided that I wanted a machine w/ XP and as time moved on, that seemed to becoming more and more of an issue with Microsoft phasing XP out.

So, when my HP's A/C adapter died, I hesitantly decided to take the plunge and purchase a new laptop. I was able to find an ACER w/ XP and all the basic requirements on my list. Although it was hard to even consider parting w/ the money [even though I had put away for it knowing the end was coming], I bought it and was anxiously awaiting it's arrival.

Last night I picked up the ACER from UPS and was up until the wee hours of the morning, getting things installed and up to date. It was so exciting, I felt like a child the morning of it's birthday when they first realize what their birthday, meticulously checking the machine and finding little surprises here and there. Unlike most large purchases, I had not researched the product thoroughly. I read over the few reviews I could find and looked at the specs, but overall I found the information to be a bit spotty, leaving me with some hesitation. However, things seems to be up and running well at the moment. The ACER feels really solid [and was described as heavier ultra-portable in the CNET review] and although it may be heavier than other ultra-portables, it's still a lot lighter than my HP and it a 12.1", which I'm really liking. One of the surprises is a webcam that takes pix [see pix below taken at the local tea shop].

Weather forecast

With a crick in my neck, having overslept, greeted by a schizophrenic sun, playing hide and seek with the clouds, while misty rain drops fall like tears, like the internal battle of mixed emotions, to love and be revered.

Quote of the week

Life is change.
Growth is optional.
Choose wisely.

~ Karen Kasier Clark

Mail order makes me realize how impatient I am.

Friday realization

Upon waking at 6 a.m. this morning, a feat I have been trying to accomplish for the past few weeks, I realized something... the reason I have such trouble getting up early here is because it's so damn cold. I don't blame myself for not wanting to get out of bed when all there is to look forward to is shivering while putting on numerous amounts of clothing.

It just simply reaffirms the fact that I need to live in a warmer environment... and makes me question if I should even considering staying in North Carolina for work....

Isn't there a tropical island that needs a coastal scientist or simply someone to wander the beach from sunrise to sunset...

Sitting here I feel like a visitor, in my own body and my life. I look down and see my hands typing on the keyboard, yet it seems foreign.... everything seems foreign. People feel so distant although they are an arm's length away and my soul feels like it is barely tethered to my body, preferring to be elsewhere. When I am here and present I feel a suffocating sadness that is unconsolable. Why? The answer I do not know, but it causes self-punishing lethargic actions, facilitating the cycle.

Oxymoronousness of life

So, my graduate career is coming to an end, yet I am ever so slowly moving towards the eminent light at the end of the tunnel. With so many different thoughts swirling around, it's hard to keep focus... even now, in this post... so please bare with me.

What am I talking about? Well, about a week ago, I interviewed at one of the NOAA research stations for an upcoming position. The interview went well, I think they were impressed with my work, and the position sounds like it would be a mix of some of what I've been doing and the opportunity to learn some new things. The research station is located in a coastal town, near the Atlantic Ocean. Sounds great, right? Yet, my initial feeling was far from joy and more like apprehension.

After speaking w/ my adviser, which opened up additional options and relieved stress surrounding the availability of summer funding, I felt a lot better. Now, with options before me I feel split, wanting to make a decision about the future before being finished with my thesis. It seems logic has prevailed in this conflict and I am leaning toward accepting the position [the is if it offered] and finishing up my thesis close the ocean with multiple trips back to Greenville... that is if I can have my cake and eat it too.

Only time will tell what the future holds....

Say hello to my new little friend

This past week there has been a new addition to my little world... Henrietta. After lots of research, we have finally found a peaceful, abundant area where she can swim around. Since their native habitat is the rice paddies of Thailand, I wanted to incorporate some aquatic plants, which were relatively inexpensive at Petsmart. She seems to like the Ludwigia more than the Java Fern. She is only about 7 months old and I think she has already increased in size. It looks like she is beginning to develop a coloured strip horizontal strip on her sides; I look forward to watching her grow and see how she changes.

Quote of the week

Great necessities call out great virtues.

~Abigail Adams

Down w/ a cold

With the sun shining and the temps increasing to what has become tolerable [the highs the past few days have been in the high 60's...the fact that this is considered a more pleasant temperature makes me very sad], it's really bumming me out that I am still down with a cold. This morning is the first morning I've awoke feeling tired and crappy. The past few mornings, I felt fine, but had a stuffy nose and some chest congestion.

Generally, I take this time to rest and let my body heal itself... taking it as a signal for needing self nurturing; however, it seems that is the last thing I want to do. I want to go to the gym and for rides, be active and enjoy that feeling when you are healthy. During the winter this feeling vanishes and I enter more of a sustaining mode, where it is all I can do not to over eat, gain 20 pounds, and curl into a ball waiting for the warmth.

I must admit... it is nice to spend time w/ Karza. I wish she could accompany me everywhere.

Back from the snow and with it a cold...

On the leap day of 2008 this Florida girl saw snow for the first time. After being invited to join a group of friends on a snow filled birthday weekend bash, the anticipation of seeing, smelling, touching, and tumbling in the snow has been igniting me.

The trip started off smoothly and remained as such through the entire weekend. My reservations about what to bring to how things were going to play out, quickly subsided as I met up in with friends in Raleigh to carpool the remaining four hours to the wonderful Winterplace wunderland we were staying at in West Virginia.

The route was similar to that I had taken to Kentucky, in August, which included a few tunnels, spying Pilot Mountain, and exposed outcrop [that's rock that has been cut through vertically exposing the layering and orientation of the various rocks over the years... for those not continuously bombarded with geologic terms].

As we entered West Virgina, snow flurries greeted us and we started to see the accumulation on the road side and I was getting more and more excited that I was going to get to see SNOW! On our way to the lodge, we stopped and picked up our rental skis, before which I played outside in the snow and took in the white wistful flurriment... all the while it still did not seem real.

This feeling extended throughout the entire trip, even when we were in skiing school [a previous ski instructor, one of the people in the group gave all of us newbies a quick run down on how to ski]. Being back in NC, with temps finally approaching warm enough to be bearable [the high today is 77 degrees F], the trip really does seem like a dream.

It was wonderful to be invited on the trip and have it ACTUALLY happen. The group was full of kind hearted folk who were very embracing. Even though I was not a superb skier, I look forward to trying it again. It was a great experience; however, I cannot wait for the warmth of summer to arrive and visits to the beach to begin!

Quote of the Week

Our feelings are our most genuine paths to knowledge.

~Audre Lorde

Taking action

There is a great short documentary on a few people who helped out to move someone via bike. Filmed by Street Films and featured on TreeHugger, it worth checking out. So, who wants to help me move this summer?

Lunar eclipse

This week was the third total lunar eclipse within the past year and I was excited to be able to observe it. AFter picking up a few beers from the local beer shop, conveniently located around the corner from my place, I headed over to a friends place to sit outside in the freezing cold and watch the partial, full, and partial eclipsing of the moon. Unfortunatley, the clouds swooped in during the first partial but cleared just after reaching full eclipse. It was beautiful to see the receeding partial eclipse, as the light slowly filled the shadowed moon... making me think of how easily people could have interpreted such an event as an act of the gods or a punishment.

Note: Photograph taken by Ben

V Day present

In an email this morning, I received a valentine's day greetings from a friend with this pix of a sycamore tree. It made me smile and realize that it's been too long since I've noticed such little details in my surrounding... a trait the comes natural to me, yet has been unused because I have been contained within my hovel. So as a valentine's day present to myself, I am going to treat myself with a walk this afternoon to take in all the beauty that surrounds me.

Too late

Sitting in my co-advisor's office, after being summoned like a child in grade school to the principal's office, I sat there on the verge of tears listening to him bumbling through words trying to express his thoughts about the discussion section of a chapter in my thesis. As the overwhelming emotions rose and fell with thoughts of never finishing my thesis and leaving this place, I would find myself missing words here and there. However, because he was having such trouble communicating, I was still able to get the gist and sat there listening, feeling more and more helpless.

Although I appreciated him asking to speak with me and taking the time to sit with me and express his thoughts, all I kept thinking was that it was too late..... perhaps three and a half months ago, when I first gave him the rough draft would have been more appropriate, but now... now... it's just too late. After a productive meeting, in that I understand [though I may not agree with] what he wants me to do, he offers a "good job" as I exit his office.... yet again... too late.

There are those moments in life, when something is appropriate and peaking in its value or effect. Like the look from a new lover that tells you how at that moment, you are all they desire... the apology from someone you care about when they hurt your feelings.... or the silent embrace when someone is in pain. All these things and many more do not have the same impact if they occur later in time. It's just too late......

Lately, I feel wound up.. and I don't think it's the caffeine talking. I've noticed that I have been much more detailed oriented, if that's possible, and anal about organizing and compartmentalizing things. At first I thought it was because perhaps I was overcompensating for a lack on control in other areas in my life... but while reading a passage in a book, I could feel a flood of emotions. This makes me think that my recent compulsivity may be a way of keeping the lid on so that I am not overrun with emotions.

... and I thought things were going so well, considering.

Diamonds don't always shine

Heard about this band listening to streaming radio... nice to know there are still people out there with something to say....

Site of perfection

Rantings

It's half past eleven and I just got home. After complaining to a few people I'm really not all that close with and almost having a breakdown, I thought it would be a good idea to rant in a posting. If I'm subjecting good hearted people to my negativity all for having the kindness to ask how I am doing, then perhaps I need a new outlet, and what better than a blog....

So, the main reason I haven't posted anything recently is because things have been insanely busy after returning from my winter holidays trip down south. Before leaving, I had reviewed my projected plans and schedule with M&D and due to a last minute field escursion, which was executed extremely well, my goals were pushed back a week and a half. However, I headed south and left work, for the most part, behind... and let me tell you, it was a wonderful thing [see The holidaze, reflected post]. Before returning to North Carolina, I received a email containing the first chapter of my thesis and what looked like a the butchering of a small mammal. After having the paper, which is only 16 pages of text, for a lengthy 2 months, my coadvisor returns it, blungened and beaten.

Thanks to limited internet access [there were only a few internet cafes in town... I never thought I would be so happy to NOT have internet] I was not able to work on the edits. After returning from the blissful holiday, I've been working on the numerous edits and have finally, with the exception of one reference check, am finished. However, this is at the expense of accomplishing the tasks I had laid out prior to the holiday. Therefore, this week I have begun to tackle to goals that are now a MONTH overdue and am uncertain if I will be able to graduate on time. In reality I know I will not be able to graduate this semester... and it is really bothering me.

I feel like it is my fault and it makes me so angry with myself. Now I have to figure out what I'm going to do this summer. Do I look for a job? Do I ask for summer funding? If I get a job and move away, will I ever graduate? Do I want to spend another summer in North Carolina? All questions I cannot answer.

So, I eat a bagel
drink a beer
wait for my mind to settle
and the answers to appear...

Quote of the Week

Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.

~Marie Curie

White night

Last night after a fantabulous dinner party with scrumptious citrus topped fish fillets, roasted veggies, and mushroom risotto, the slight drizzle that had been falling outside turned to... snow!

It melted as soon as it touched skin, but did mange to create a thin covering on the grass. Sad to say... no snowballs....

What does one do on a cold Friday night, why take pix of the most cutest, posingest, cudliest creature of them all....

.... perhaps I'm a bit partial.

Quote of the Week

Being truly successful means having the time and freedom to be able to enjoy the company of the people you care about.

~Rochelle Ballard

Quote of the Week

Challenges make you discover things about yourself that you never really knew.

~Cicely Tyson

Drying up

After having a surprisingly wonderful holiday visit with family and freinds, I find myself unsataibly satisfied with my life. While others seem to see a happy, successful young woman, I see an adult child who is unsuccessfully grappling with every day. To be reminded of the abundant fruitful connections I once had and nutured over many years was a blessing and has now become a burden.

Upon returning to North Carolina,the positive reconnections and meaningful conversations were thought to be motivating... to energize me for the last sprint of what has been a drawn-out unfullfilling experience....essentially what I have been lacking. However, the positiveness is thinning and a deeper despair to emerging.

Granted, I am overwhelmingly happy that I was able to reconnect with people once a much larger part of my life... I just wish it would thrive within and through me. Instead, it feels like a well that was filled and is now being drained to its few last drops.

... somehow I need to find a way to maintain, to keep it full....

Tampa Bay, baby

The holidaze, reflected

The winter holidays brought wonderful warmth and much needed time spent with loved ones. It was a nonstop ride... filled with overdue visits, reconnecting with old friends, meeting new faces, and embracing forgiveness... while being constantly reminded of how old I am. Needless to say, when I got in my truck and headed south in December, I didn't know I was strapping myself in for such a ride, but I could not have asked for anything better.

As I entered the town I hold so dear, I was overwhelmed by joy and hesitation. However, as the visit progressed, the hesitation slowly evaporated and I was filled more and more happiness. I was surprised at how easily things came together and was quite sad to have to have to head back north on I-95. Getting on the interstate just seemed wrong.

Aside from the higher temps, even allowing an afternoon at the beach sunbathing, it was being around people who so openly embraced me that was really touching. Sure, the fact that it had been a year since I had been down probably has a lot to do with it, but even so, I soaked up the love, laughter, and conversation like a sponge dried out to the point of brittleness.

In addition to the town, growth and change had occurred within the lives of those I reconnected with... to the point that they were hardly recognizable to me. What was heart warming more than anything was that the relationship we had was still present, even though many years have past and our lives have taken us many different places.

The trip touched me in more ways than I can express and I look forward to next visit... it cannot come soon enough!

Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives.

~C. S. Lewis

Winter Holidaze

The winter holidays are approaching quickly and with it the journey back to my hometown to see family. My hometown, the small coastal community that has grown too large for its britches, is no longer the home in my memories. When I return, places and people are familiar, but it as though they are from a dream, slightly familiar but appear different.

I think of the people I have known over the years and those I have been close with and they all seem to distant as thought when I see them again, it will be like meeting them for the first time. And then there is the sadness of the relationships that have not survived. It seems that my hometown is harboring more sadness as the years pass than joyous memories. Unresolved issues create baggage that no matter how hard I try, follows me around and stubbornly will not leave.

So, with a nonexistent home and disillusioned perception of the place I lived for so long I am hesitantly approaching the drive down for the holidays. Each time I go, I think, this time it will be different and I will rekindle something or find something anew, but I find that over the years it is drama that has been found and sadness that has been created, both of which I can gladly do without.

Therefore, I am attempting to travel south with no expectations and an open...... mind, hoping for the best and searching for the strength to shrug off the negative, selfishness that I will face.

Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.
~ Mahatma Gandhi

Time is hectic and although there are many tasks to tend to and little time to do so, I find myself stubbornly resisting and digging in my heels like am obstinate mule. There are other projects, that entice me and lure my attentions away from work, yet I do not heed to these distractions, because that is exactly what they are and above all else, I just want to be done with my time in North Carolina and moving on with my life.

The blatant fact that I do not where or what I am moving onto looms over me, but I have taken the stance that it can't be any worse than the present, when in fact I know it can... and that worries me.

Not to completely be negative... there are some positive events, although intermittent and fleeting, I enjoy them as much as possible. Basically it boils down to the fact that I am not happy here, but I wonder if I will ever be happy. Is it the place or is it me? More and more emphasis is placed on the place and other tell me it is not me, but I wonder.

Before even leaving Greeville, Saturday started out with positive new interactions, exciting me about what is to come. Having worked so hard leading up to the conference, there was little time to plan or research outings and the places I was going to visit [in Rhode Island and NYC]. Going on a 'take it as it comes' basis, it was nice to start the trip with meeting new friendly faces.

Fall Feat

Before even leaving Greenville, Saturday started out with positive new interactions, exciting me about what is to come. Having worked so hard leading up to the conference, there was little time to plan or research outings and the places I was going to visit. Going on a 'take it as it comes' basis, it was nice to start the trip with meeting new friendly faces.

After a somewhat tumultuous landing, with a tropical storm spinning high speed winds offshore the new england coast, I arrived in Rhode Island. As the drizzling rain continued falling, I took an informative cab ride from the airport to the hotel. Conveniently, the hotel we booked was located just down the road from what is called 'the hill', which is an italian neighborhood where I found a wonderful bakery. Even more conveniently, the hotel was a mere 1/2 block from the convention center, where ERF was held, and a few blocks from the train station.

Sunday morning I headed for the train station and caught the early train to Boston to meet up with a friend and explore the city. Being my first time on a train in the east coast, I soon fell in love with the possibility of living in a place where public transport was available and one was able to travel to nearby city for the day. Within 50 minutes, I was taken from Providence, Rhode Island to Boston, Massachusetts, the simplicity of which guffawed me.

After wandering around Boston in the cold dry air, I came upon on of the many Starbuck's [which are located on every block, in case you would ever need one]. Nika met up with me shortly thereafter and we amiably wandered around the city until later that afternoon when it was time for each of us to catch our trains. I arrived back in Providence just in time to register for the conference and get cleaned up for the welcome function.

Unlike the few geology conferences I've attended, ERF definitely made expensive registration fees worthwhile. In addition to the very tasty food served during the welcome function, they also served lunch and complementary coffee every day. This in addition to the hotel [which I am not used to staying in] spoiled me, to say the least.

The first day of the conference was filled with interesting presentations about climate change related topics, a few of which were given by colleagues on the NC Sea-Level Rise Project. That evening, I had the pleasure of having dinner with an old friend of the family and her husband. I was a bit hesitant, being that I had not seen her in many years, but had a wonderful time and enjoyed it immensely.

The second day of the conference, I was scheduled to present my poster during the lunch break. Although I was a bit nervous, it went splendidly. I had some good conversations and discussions about the project and data. It was wonderful to be able to talk with others who are familiar with similar data analysis methods. That afternoon, I enjoyed the high from the positive interactions, even one in which a scientist commented that he 'liked my enthusiasm', something I was surprised to hear, being that I am generally not enthusiastic about my work.

The third of the conference was less enthralling, with few presentations that were pertinent or relevant to my area of study. So, I took the opportunity to catch up on some nap time and preparing for my departure to NYC the next day. Because I was taking the train from Providence to NYC, I only wanted to have to carry one bag and was thankfully able to leave the bulk of my luggage with a friend who drove up and agreed to escort my baggage back to Greenville.

Getting all the luggage squared away and with few pertinent presentations on Thursday, I made my routine visit to the awesome bakery [as routine as one can be with only a few days in town] and then decided to check out a bit of Providence before heading over to New York. While wandering around the area near the hotel, I stumbled upon a few fantastic book stores. However, noon soon came around and it was time to catch the train. After about 4 hours scenic hours on the train I arrived in Penn Station, NY and started the third part of my traveling adventure.

My friend, Ben, met me at the train station and after a warm welcoming hug, we headed out into the city. With large towering buildings and swarms of people moving individually, yet collectively along the sides of the city streets, like trained ants, we fell in step and were soon lost in the swarm. Surprisingly, it was not as overwhelming as I thought it was going to be and I found it easy to move and make my way.

The city life is definitely foreign to me. It is supreme people watching and free entertainment environment. While crammed into a subway train, with little to no personal space, it amazed me how the locals can live like that yet and be so distant from one another. How people can be so close in physical space, yet not connect?

Arriving in the city on Thursday was a good time because that gave us Friday to explore the museums and other places that would otherwise be overpopulated on a weekend. After looking through the exhibits at the various museums, we decided to visit the Guggenheim. Neither of us were familiar with the Richard Prince, the main artist showing, but I was pleasantly surprised and enjoyed his work immensely. His approach is simple, yet humorous and I really liked his style overall.

Unfortunately, it was raining Friday, so we took our time in the museum and then made our way back to the apartment. We decided to catch a film at a small arthouse theatre, Sunshine Cinema, around the corner that was showing Into The Wild. The movie is based on the book by Jon Krakauer, who helped Sean Penn, the director, adapt it for the screen. Having read the book years ago, I had been anxiously awaiting it's release and was ecstatic to be able to see it at the Sunshine Cinema. The theatre fondly reminded me of the Hippodrome Theatre in Gainesville, Fl where friends and me have spent many evenings enjoying independent foreign films. The theatre was packed and we had to sit close to the screen, but it was great to see the story onscreen. There were some changes that I did not remember taking place in the book, but overall the story was well represented and I am happy it will be able to reach a larger audience.

Saturday was a lazy day. We headed out into the city and wandered around a bit and ordered food int hat evening. The food was so good in New York and it was surprising not that expensive. The portions are perfect and the prices are reasonable, especially after coming from Grenville, where food is so much more expensive than what I'm used to, the portions are not too large or too small and there are not many choices for someone who doesn't eat meat laden meals.

With Sunday being my last full day before heading back to NC, we decided to hit the thrift shops and see if we could find any good deals.... this of course after visiting Central Park. We walked form the east village, where the apartment is to the Southwestern corner of Central Park and then explored it's vastness. We later followed the outing with a few second hand/thrift shops. We took the train over over to Brooklyn, where we looked back toward Manhattan [pictured below], and later walked over to Greenwich Village and then looked across the Hudson River at New Jersey.



The trip back to North Carolina was not as enjoyable and interactions were at a minimum. I had my last hurrah with public transport as we made our way to the airport. After saying good-bye to Ben and savoring our hug, I made my way to the gate and patiently waited for the plane. Although the place arrived over an hour late, I was able to make my connecting flight and made it back to NC safe and sound. It was wonderful to be greeted by those copper eyes and fluffy butt. As I settled into bed, my own bed that I hadn't slept in for over a week, it's familiarness was comforting, but I yearned to be elsewhere.

Another semester, another poster

It's the classic story. Girl meet boy. Girl likes boy. Girl and boy date. Boy becomes distanced with work. Girl and boy decide to 'just be friends'. Typical story that happens to millions. Girl walks away with bruised feelings, but is thankful for the opportunity to get to know and meet someone she now cares for.

All well and good, right? Except when followed by the following typical story.... Girl wakes to phone ringing at 4:30 a.m. Boy's been shot. As her breath leaves her body, she can't believe what she's hearing... is this a sick joke? After feverishly ringing the hospital, which offers no information, she wonders if she should even go. Does he even want to see her? It's been a week since they 'talked' and though hours before 'the incident' they ran into eachother at an art show and interacted fine, she is unsure of her role. Where does she fit into the situation? She goes to the hospital anyway, "what do I have to loose?", she asks herself. After wondering around the hospital, trying to find information about the boy, she becomes more and more upset. As her feelings for him become stronger, she realized how much she cares for him.

The following tumultuous days were filled with overwhelming emotion about the boy while a conference deadline quickly approached. She miraculously was able to work through tears rising and falling from her eyes throughout the day as all she wanted to do was be with the boy and help him recover. In the short daily visits she was able to work into her schedule, the important conference became more of an inconvenient obligation. After a mere five days in the hospital, the boy was sent home, two and a half hours away. Happy for the boys quick recovery, but sad to not be able to see him, she rings him to see how his recovery is going. She hears back from him a few days later.

He is thankful for her visits to the hospital, is planning on returning to school in a week. She will be out of town at that time and the conversation ends with the boy saying he'll ring her later on. Filled with unexpressed emotions, the girl leaves for her conference, which is followed by a short holiday, all the while distracted by thoughts of the boy. In places new to her, she is reminded of him and wakes up from a dream about him... all the while trying to move beyond her feelings and what has occurred.

After returning from her trip and not having heard from the boy, the girl is informed he is dating someone. How quickly one is able to move on... especially when he did not want to be in a "relationship" with anyone, or so he told her. The untruthfulness of what has occurred hurts and angers the girl, allowing her to walk away, yet question why she let herself be disrespected.

Why is one who is so conscious of hurting others so susceptible to being hurt?

He speaks....

Yesterday, I went to see David Sedaris speak in Norfolk, Virginia. Surprisingly, even though he spent a large portion of his childhood in North Carolina, the closest venue to hear the comical short story writer speak was two and a half hours away. So, a friend and I decided to make a day of it and satiate our unrelenting yearnings to get out of Greenville and visit someplace different.

Having only spent a brief time in Virginia, consisting of the short drive throughs on my way to another state, I thought it would be enjoyable to see what coastal Virgina has to offer. At 8 a.m. Sunday morning we hitched our bikes to the back of my friends little white sedan and headed north through a series of long curvy country roads. Upon arrival, and with no real plan, we did what college student does when first arriving in a new place... found a quaint little coffee shop and settled into the events of the day.

After hours of riding around the city, a tour around a gigantic sailing boat in the process of sailing around the world from Argentina, and a visit to Virginia Beach, we were entertained by Sedaris' reading of some of his essays. With four books in print, we were unsure what the content of his readings would be. However, after listening to some new essays and the reading of one from his books, we left the theatre with sore stomach and tear eyed, laughing so hard we cried. We grabbed a super scrumptious veggie patty sub from subway, not available in good ole Greenville, and settled back into the little white sedan. As the odometer turned over 200,000 miles, we headed south bracing ourselves for the Monday that lied in wait for us in good ole Greenville.

In need of a break from the monotonousness of work, I decided to treat myself to a movie, albeit a matinee to lessen the impact on my wallet. So, I left work a bit early to head over to the cinema to see Feast of Love. Yes, a girlie flick if there ever was one, but with my recent strike out while up at bat at the game of dating I thought I could use it.... and I am very happy I went. One of the main messages that rang in my ears after the film ended was the concept of being with someone that cares for you as much as you care for them. As with my recent escapade this is an imbalanced component that seems to thrive in my relationships, romantic and otherwise.

Being aware and open to other's and their feelings is something that comes easily to me, and being one that likes to please others, this gift is highly utilized. However, I've painfully found that others do not commonly posses such perception and the result has been a continuous string of painful circumstances. So, what am I going to do now?

I don't know.

It seems the only thing left to do is wake up yet again tomorrow and make my way through the day, cherishing the fleeting often not present interactions with others. I mean it boils down to this, I want to be loved, like every other conscious living thing in the universe. This does not necessarily mean I want a lover or a partner, truthfully, what I miss the most are the close friends I once had. Now there is so much hurt clouding everything, suffocating simple conversations, to the point where I don't know how to or if I want to try.

I wonder, if like Chloe in the movie, I would have gone through with certain relationships, had I known their demise. At this point, questioning the benefit of it all, I can't say that I would have forged ahead.

Beaches and barrier islands

Returning from a camping trip on Ocracoke Island, the withdrawls set in. It is a barrier island off the coast of North Carolina that is only assessable by boat with a small village on the southern end leaving the northern portion uninhabited. Ocracoke was ranked America's #1 beach on Dr. Beach's yearly top ten. The village seems primarily survive from tourist, which reminded me of St. Augustine... making it even harder to leave on Sunday. It was so nice to be on the beach, feel the sun on my skin, and look out onto the water. I can't explain it, but it just feels so right when I'm on the beach. The trip made me realize that when looking for where to go after leaving NC in the spring, I need to focus my nrg on the coast. In being away from the beach and making it work elsewhere, I forget the simple nurturing that I find when being near the ocean.

The ocean is a powerful thing and every time I am near it, there is a humbling, contentment that washes over me and I know that everything will be ok. It is not that the ocean makes things ok in my life, it simply fills me up and in doing so, I am more able to endure life's little surprises and move more fluidly through turbulent times.

Living away from the coast, I become conditioned to what in essence is moving against the grain. Exerting endless amounts of energy to make things happen or to create what I think will make me happy, for the meantime, when all I need to to do is go to the beach for an afternoon.

Reflective times like these make me wonder why I have kept myself away from that which brings to much enjoyment and feels like an essential part of my life. Even more so, it makes me question why I am not looking to incorporate it into my future plans. I keep telling myself that I can be happy if I don't live near the beach, while all the time thinking I will return to it eventually, knowing it is where I belong... it is place I am the happiest.

Why then does it feel so far out of reach?

Another year has come and gone and I am one year older. Although I am still uneasy with the thought of growing old, my birthday was very pleasant. Unlike the majority of the population, the thought of growing old is frightening. Death I do not blink an eye at and often welcome, but the thought of growing old is one I do not think I will ever accept.

After years of dreading and ignoring my birthday, I welcomed this one with a big hug. Excitedly, I started the day, like a small child entrusted with a secret that only a few or perceptive people knew. It was not a secret, but it was one the little things, many would not acknowledge.

The day was pleasant, full of birthday wishes, cake, and a few thoughtful gifts. Although the day did not end as I may have hoped for, it was pleasant and fulfilling. To top it all off, I'm joining a few others this weekend on Ocracoke Island for a camping trip. It id the perfect way to end my birthday celebrations.

Waiting

She sits and waits... she has become a lady in waiting. Physically still, it goes unnoticed to others while internally, her mind races. She has been waiting for so long; sometimes she forgets what she's waiting for. Her thoughts lead her away, backward to the past and projected into the future. All the while the present has turned into the past and she missed it, like so many things in life, like her childhood. A time inaccessible as though it never happened, thrown into taking care of herself at a young age. Yes, it is a sad story, but pity is not what she seeks; it is understanding... and so she waits.

Shot of the day

Shot of the Day

Original image courtesy of Kolt Johnson

Going to Kentucky.....

What a motley crew
Me, Matthew [the groom], Ari [ the bride], Kat, Molly, Brian, and Reanna infront.

With mid August came a road trip to Kentucky. A few of the Geology folk loaded into a sedan and headed northwest through the mountains and into the "Bluegrass State." Unfortunately, no bluegrass was heard, but we did hop over the Ohio River and visit the Cincinnati Zoo, enjoy a relaxing evening in downtown Covington, attend a baseball game, [my first!], witness a beautiful wedding in the cathedral basilica, and partake of the celebration of Ari and Matthew's union [with the aid of an open liquor, beer, and wine bar]. Then, we were back on the road, Greenville bound. Leaving too soon.... but it always seem that way when returning to Greenville.

cute outfit ~= good attitude

cute outfit + compliment = good attitude



Why are so many of my perceptions and feelings based on others?

affable

easy and pleasant to approach and speak to; cordial. diffusing warmth and friendliness; gentle and gracious

... something not associated with me.

we see the world
thru our own 2 eyes
shaped and shifted
by lies, lies, lies

a farce of memories
lost in the pages
of a worn covered book
tossed away

Everybody has a story.... I miss hearing those stories. It's funny to think that years ago, I was sick of hearing people's stories. In the town I grew up in, people are always telling you their stories to the point where you come to not want to hear them anymore. But it's not like that everywhere. People don't seem to want to share their stories here.

An odd thing though is that a few books from past have been made into films. Recently, I saw that the book Into The Wild, written by Jon Krakaur, is the story of the life and death of Christopher McCandless, has been made into a film written and directed by Sean Penn. I remember really enjoying the book. It was a good story but was also very well written. The author did not just lay out the story chronologically, but relayed it as though you were uncovering the young man's journey, somewhat like a detective, trying to figure out what happened to Christopher McCandless. I look forward to seeing how it is depicted on the screen and listening to the story again.

Life's little showers

As she opened the window, to listen to the falling rain drops, she could smell the earth. It was as though the rain brought the earth to life, awakening it from a hibernatious drought. The grass looked greener; the leaves sparkled as the sun reflected off the water droplets and there was a silence, except for the falling rain. In moments like this, it feels like time stops. Yet, she knows, with each raindrop that falls, so does a second pass. It is within these moments, she wishes to stay, to breath in the heavy air and feel alive.

She's always loved watching storms. She reflects on a memory, one of her fondest, of enjoying a solitary afternoon on the beach, listening to the waves crashing on the shore. Then, as the dark clouds down the beach started moving closer, and the tourist ran for safety, she smelt the rain in the air, felt the temperature drop and heard the waves pick up. She watched the summer shower pass down the beach, gently moistening the warm sand crystals, and then it was gone. Like a wave on the beach, it had come and gone with little impact.

With the beach deserted she noticed there was one other person who had not ran for safety with the tourists and others. As he came into closer view, she realized she new him. It was Marc Sweet, the brother of a grade school friend. She had spent every weekend and some holidays with his family for the better part of 6th through 8th grade, although she had not seen any of them in a few years now. Marc was one of her friend Ruby's older brothers. There was also Lee; Lee was the oldest. She had had a tremendous crush on Marc for years, but everyone did. The whole family was very attractive. When she was younger, she often wondered if that was how it always was. Good-looking people get together and have good-looking kids.... it makes sense, using kid logic. If you were good-looking, you would be attracted to someone who was also good-looking and then your kids would automatically be attractive as well.

After the general salutations, Marc says, "Oh, can you believe Ruby's getting married?" A little surprised she said no, she hadn't heard. Not that she should be surprised. Ruby and Ralph had been together for years and everyone knew they would eventually get married, yet it some how did surprise her. "Wow," she said, "I didn't know." "Yeah," Marc replied, "it's weird that she's getting married before me, with Lee married." Then there was a silence as she took it in. It was the first one of her friends to get married, although she didn't really considered them friends anymore. She hadn't heard from Ruby in years. Still, it was a defining moment for her somehow.

While she was still taking it all in, Matthew wondered back to his truck, packed up his board and drove off. She thought how attractive he still was and remembered the childhood crush, yet those memories seemed so distant. She felt like the storm was in a way, introducing her to a new part of her life. Though she didn't know it at the time, she was entering the a part of life where, friends go their separate ways, get married, have kids, start careers, though not in that particular order.

As she sat at the window, looking out, she thought about how distant that memory now seems and how many summer showers she's watched come and go. Though she enjoys the storm and life it brings, she is still grappling with the friends she's lost along the way. As the sadness settles in, she realizes the rain has stopped and the clouds have moved on. She feels the sun's rays intensify and hears the birds begin to sing; she tries to relinquish the sadness and focus on the positive. She thinks of the many storms to come and friends she hopes to meet.

She thinks a lot about the past. Too much, she thinks, of people who have come and gone. Why do people have to go? Go, go, go is all people ever do. So much time has passed. She knows because her hair is long. It is long enough to cover her chest. The ends are wavy and when she sees them, it reminds her of the ocean and she smiles.

As the wind gently blows her hair off her shoulders behind her; it laps against her back and she can smell the moisture in the air. These are the days she loves. The air is heavy, weighing down, like a light blanket and comforting as such. The temperature is hot, but the rain brings a cool intermittent breeze. She falls asleep listening to the rain knowing when she wakes, the rain will be gone, like those she once held close.

Finally

After a frustrating struggle, last week there was a breakthrough with work and I am happy to announce I have finally found the backbone for the paper I've been bumbling through. Now I just need to finish writing it. While being unable to make headway on the paper. I've been complementing the infinite stack of scientific papers with some fictional works so as to igniting my appreciation for writing and word usage. In addition to doing so, I am currently trying to write a little every couple days, the first of which I posted here and will continue to post them as they come.

Anger filled her body, running swiftly through her veins, the residue of a bad dream. It seemed too real and the anger was all too familiar. She rose from a long sleep, yet exhausted from the dream, the way emotions are tiring. Turning on her pmp she steps into the shower. As the water temp is adjusted she hears it, one of his songs. Just a song to anyone else, but it is distinctly his in her mind. As thoughts of him weight on her heart she wonders why she hasn't deleted it, that song and every other thing that reminds her of him. How can she live her life being reminded of him, but she can't just delete everything that is associated with him. It would be a different life.

As the song changes, she pulls herself back to the task at hand: a shower. Let's not start the day sorrowful, she tells herself. Even the shower reminds her of him. The smoothness of his skin and his scent next to her bare body. It felt so comforting and safe to be in his arms, she remembers. How can he have hurt her... and now be with the last person she was close with. Hadn't he ruined her life enough?

There was nothing she could about it now. What was done is done. She focuses on her morning chores of watering the plants, caring for the dog, and making coffee. As she finishes up she notes the time and heads out to make her 10 o'clock appointment. As she listens to her bicycle tires on the pavement diligently and smoothly thrusting her forward in time and space, she wonders when the memories will fade. It's been two years, when will her life be her own again and not haunted by the past?

Peaks and Valley's

Even within the valley, there's a sh*t ton of hills.........

It still amazes me how I can wake up happy, be in tears by midday, and then smiling again by evening... all emotions centered around the project. The Project. It has become the focus of my life as well as the source aggravation and multiple meltdowns. Knowing the graduate school was going to be filled with feelings of floundering and frustration, I braced for what was to come; however, since arriving to NC and enduring this experience, my life has changed in more ways than I would have imagined. Like a person who finds they have cancer and dies within the week, relationships once strong quickly withered and now only exist in memories. A few new connections have been made, though shallow in comparison to the depth of those that have been lost.

However, reflections are not the point of this post; it is, that being the point, why has happiness' role been so slim within this experience? The reason I am pondering on this question is not to cause more internal aggravation and conflict, but because the time is approaching in which decisions are gong to be made as to the location of experiences and focus of the next chapter in my life, i.e. where I live and what I am going to be doing, a job, and I do not want to make the same mistake. Yes many lessons have been learned through this experience and I now know I am stronger than I had thought, but I have also learned that I give up more easily than before, do not try as hard, have become more hesitant, and recover just as slowly if not slower from being hurt.

So what have I decided? I haven't. I've been pondering this topic for a at least the past 6 months, but within the previous few months, it's been dominating thought processes. I guess I feel like I need something to work towards, to keep momentum, to carry me through this last year and send me into the next. So far, it hasn't presented itself, but perhaps the effort has been from the wrong direction. All I know is that I want to get this f*cking project finished and move on, but move onto what?

That is the question of the day, week, and year............

Love writes a letter and sends it to hate.
"My vacations ending I'm coming home late.
The weather was fine and the ocean was great.
And I can't wait to see you again."

Hate reads the letter and throws it away.
"No one here cares if you go or you stay.
I barely even noticed that you were away.
I'll see you or I won't, whatever."

Love sings a song as she sails through the sky.
The water looks bluer through her pretty eyes.
And everyone knows it whenever she flies.
And also when she comes down.

Hate keeps his head up and walks through the street.
Every stranger and drifter he greets.
And shakes hands with every loner he meets
with a serious look on his face.

Love arrives safely with suitcase in toe.
Carrying with her the good things we know.
A reason to live and a reason to grow
To trust, to hold, to care

Hate sits alone on the hood of his car
without much regard to the moon or the stars.
Lazily killing the last of a jar
of the strongest stuff you can drink.

Love takes a taxi, a young man drives
As soon he sees her hope fills his eyes.
But tears follow after at the end of the ride.
Cause he might never see her again.

Hate gets home lucky to still be alive.
He screams over the sidewalk and into the drive.
The clock in the kitchen says two fifty five
And the clock in the kitchen is slow.

Love has been waiting patient and kind.
Just wanting a phone call or some kind of sign.
That the one that she cares for who's out of his mind
Will make it back safe to her arms.

Hate stumbles forward and leans in the door.
Weary head hung down, eyes to the floor
He says, "Love I’m sorry" and she says, "What for?"
"I’m yours and that’s it, whatever
I should not have been gone for so long
I'm yours and that's it, forever
Your mine and that's it, forever"

~The Avett Brothers

Beach Bound

Tuesday we headed over to the OBX to try, once again, to retrieve a data logger that is MIA. After unsuccessfully searching, we headed to Canadian Hole, an area on the Pamlico Sound that is a popular wind surfing spot, and relaxed in the sun for a few hours before heading back to G-ville.

Being that Karza can't take the sun, I have frequently pondered ways to give her shade while on the beach and MacGyvered a shade tent with a sarong, cooler, and a few shovels. I was quite proud and excited that it worked. Karza was pretty stoked too not to have to wait in the back of the truck, her usual beach spot.

... and to bring it full circle, MacGyver was produced in Canada.