tHoUgHtS & pErSpEcTiVeS

Last night, in a restless act of trying to finish one of the many books I've started and giving myself the mental exhaustion needed for sleep, I attempted to finish the last chapter of a book.

The author was discussing genetic modified farming practices and described his visits to 3 different farms. In reading his description of the various farming practices, I comprehended them as perspectives in approaching life.

The first farm he visited used Monsanto products [genetically modified organisms (GMO)- potatoes] but was at the mercy of the corporation and his buyer as to what product to plant [only one type of potatoe for McDonald's, which is susceptible to a certain disease causing brown spots on the skin that is solely cosmetic but McDonald's will not buy b/c they 'look' bad, meaning an extra heaping of pesticides is in order]. He also stated his feelings about alternate farming practices and that he always plant a small crop for his own consumption, which do not undergo the strenuous chemical practices that his other fields do.

The second farmer also used GMOs but was more high tech. [all his crops were run with computers] and he owned stock in the chemical distributors of the area. He gave the impression, at least to the author and to me, that he was in control and comfortable with his practices, though his farm underwent the same as the previous farmer.

The last farm the author visited was that of an organic potatoe farmer. It is not nay surprise to most that I would see this way of farming as optimum choice, but was interesting was its comparison with the other 2 farms. The organic farm used no chemical pesticide treatments, he used other means, such as planting other plants to deter the pests or varying rotation as to confuse the beetles, and ect. Though the inputs were far less, it requires more man-power to weed and keep the crops running, but it was the natural way to go about farming.

What interested me was the 3 perspectives. One being at the mercy at the corporations and buyers, the second not feeling helpless because he was not only a farmer but part of the corporate aspect, and the third working with the land being apart of what he was doing.... not feeling governed by it or governing it, but helping the earth create nourishment for others... giving the time and nrg, not sitting behind a desk at a computer screen, or running away from a pesticide ridden field.

I feel as though the third perspective is where I am trying to be but more often I feel like the first farmer. I would never want to be in the shoes of the second farmer, b/c I do not agree with that way of life, and I am striving to be in the company of the third farmer but often feel trapped in the shoes of the first farmer. Under the control of the corporations and at their mercy.

This is something I battle with every day..... How to live in society and not be apart of it? It seems like a trick question... one that is unanswerable.

Travelin' Dawg

When will I not be alone?
In a place where uncertainty grows,
in a world always uncomfortable,
like a new pair of jeans...
that never break-in.

Comforted by friends.
Their caring eyes
and sincere words...
all bounce off the walls
carefully constructed,
surrounding me,
protecting me,
and separating.... us.

Separating them
from me.
The world,
from my world.
A place I've come to know.
A place comfortable and...
in which I'm in control.

In which no one can hurt me.
I am safe.
I am..... alone.

Sedirea joponica

Here is the newest Orchid addition. This one was purchased at the Spring Plants Fesival held at Kanapaha Botanical Gardens, here in Gainesville. It's a wonderful festival, with music, good food,and lots of beautiful plants. Unfortunately, I do not think the other flowers are going to open on the shoot. But I was pleasantly surprised to see this one last weekend.

Questions


What is it about being tired,
that brings delusion?

What is it about pain,
that creates revenge?

What is it about solitude,
that brings comfort?

Why do emotions,
bring depression and ecstasy?

What is depression,
if ecstasy doesn't exist?

What is wholeness,
to one who is not fragmented?

Why do we ask questions,
if no answers exist?

Time goes by. How does it happen? All of a sudden we are on different pages, in different books, on different shelves.... and it's hard to retrace how we get there, sometimes I forget. Then, I open a book that looks a little familiar and a heartwarming memory plays, like an old film on a reel to reel. It doesn't last long, and then the consistent flapping of the end of the film.... slap, slap, slap, is heard.... and the memory is over. Sometimes I wish I didn't end and I didn't come back to the present, out of the darkroom, with the film rolling from scene to scene, like a familiar friend. As a smile creeps across my face, knowing what's going to happen next......

swampland

River Park North, NC

This is the house I want to buy.... this is my first house. Matthew came accross it the first time we went up to NC. When wewereup there this last time, we went by it and the woman selling the house let us go in and look around.


It is so beautiful... The house was built int he 1950's and the outside is cedar shingles. I want to buy it very badly. The house is perfect. It's small and cozy with 2 bedrooms, an upstairs loft/study, and an unfinished attic. There is a detached garage with a wrokshop area and a nce sized open yard. I don't think it could be more perfect, unless I already owned it.

backseat passenger

on the road....

This past weekend's trip to North Carolina was a success. I secured an apartment for June; the lease papers came in the mail today. In the meantime, before moving, aside from packing and getting my belongings up there, and working extra at work, I am going to need to start studying for the qualifying exam. Around the end of August, before fall semester starts, every incoming master's student has to take the qualifying exam.

This exam shows the department in what areas the student is lacking, so they can then take the necessary classes to make up those deficiencies. Come to find out, only 60% of students entering the Master's, with a Bachelor's Degree in Geology pass the exam. So, I am going to study my ass off and probably fail. But, I just hoping not to fail too badly, so that I do not have to take an overwhelming amount of undergraduate course work or more than 2 semesters worth [6 classes]. I wouldn't mind if you kept your fingers crossed for me. In August, I can use all the positive thoughts I can get.

For those of us born in September we are supposedly:

Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people's mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves sports, leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.

For some reason, it seems all to familiar.

It's nice to know that things are looking up for others as well, these days. New unions, new babies, new jobs, and new lives to be started. As with everything else in life, each of these positive things is attached to a resulting end or negative action. In order to stay happy, we think the positiveness of the new thing outweighs the negativeness of the resulting end.

It is all a matter of perspective. As a society, we put more emphasis on the good and bad events on life when really, they are all the same. We try to think it's good because the nice feelings one feels from such an event is greater than the feelings one feels in conjunction with the bad aspect of the situation. If one feeds into the bad feelings, then the situation or event would be considered bad.

However, people seem to live for the thrills. It's a roller coaster ride and the rushes or high points are the good times and the valleys or low points are the bad. But it's really all just a matter of perspective, because if one thinks of the anticipation occurring when you reach a valley, anticipating the peaks and rushes, it's really not all that bad............ right?

Sometimes our eyes play tricks on us, or perhaps it's our minds, warping our perception......

eNtRoPy & sUbTlY

Life is acts under the rules of entropy and I am one who likes to keep things orderly, together, and unified. It is natural that things are in a constant state of motion, though I find it more closely resembles a roller coaster ride than the shifting sands on a dune. There are abrupt increases and drastic downward shifts. I have still yet to become comfortable in the seat assigned to me. I enjoy a good ride every now and then but when it comes to relationships, I prefer a steady state with gradual changes...

It seems that all I would like, regarding the people in my life, are those who is on-par with me. Those who have similar interests, beliefs, and goals and are working towards making those things happen. However, there is a catch. Even when people are doing so, there is no relevance unless we are active in eachother's lives. What's the point of having "friends" that one does not hear from or see for long periods of time. With distance it becomes harder to keep up a relationship. It no longer becomes a thing of convenience. However, some distances are not too far. Yes it takes a little longer, but is about the same as a drive to work. It becomes painful for an individual, who values that 'friendship', enjoy sharing time, look forward to the conversations, and planned adventures, and would like to continue to see it grow. Therefore, the nonparticipating activity of one party is perceived at hurtful and causes much pain to other individuals.


Some times it simply comes down to letting it go...... even when it is something you highly valued and considered a very precious time in your life.


So, GOOD-BYE!


Thank-you... for the wonderful memories, which bring much sadness, reminding me of what will never be again, and the hurtful feelings of being neglected.

04.05.05
Passing Thoughts

sitting here
basking in the sun,

nowhere to be
nowhere to run.

pondering thoughts
of you and me,

what does the future hold?
what's meant to be?

relationships begin
distance grows,

weight on one's heart strings
or fear of being alone.

time spent together
smiles shared,

time spent alone
many questions appear.

will time tell
or do i know...

my weighted heart
is not its own.

Hmm... so, I seem to go for conservatives.... interestesting. Guess it's fitting for the present. Although, I am not interested in politickin' much, I can see myself getting worked up over something important.

Your dating personality profile: Liberal - Politics matters to you, and you aren't afraid to share your left-leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate. Athletic - Physical fitness is one of your priorities. You find the time to work athletic pursuits into your schedule. You enjoy being active. Sensual - You are not particularly shy when it comes to your sexuality. You know what you like and do not feel inhibited.

Your date match profile: Conservative - Forget liberals, you need a conservative match. Political discussions interest you, and a conservative will offer the viewpoint you need. Athletic - You aren't looking for a couch potato. You seek someone who is active and who keeps his body in top shape. Practical - You are drawn to people who are sensible and smart. Flashy, materialistic people turn you off. You appreciate the simpler side of living.

Your Top Ten Traits 1. Liberal 2. Athletic 3. Sensual 4. Adventurous 5. Outgoing 6. Wealthy/Ambitious 7. Practical 8. Stylish 9. Big-Hearted 10. Intellectual

Your Top Ten Match Traits 1. Conservative 2. Athletic 3. Practical 4. Intellectual 5. Adventurous 6. Big-Hearted 7. Outgoing 8. Stylish 9. Traditional 10. Wealthy/Ambitious

Take the Online Dating Personality Quiz at Dating Diversions

Which one of these is not like the others?

'Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.'

'A nation, like a person, has a mind — a mind that must be kept informed and alert, that must know itself, that understands the hopes and needs of its neighbors — all the other nations that live within the narrowing circle of the world.'

'They misunderestimated me.'

Thanx

Well apparently, I am an Anarchist at heart. Go Figure............

Anarchism		100%
Democrat		83%
Green		83%
Socialist		83%
Communism		67%
Fascism		17%
Nazi		0%
Republican		0%

What Political Party Do Your Beliefs Put You In?
created with QuizFarm.com

mmm..... a tasty treat

fUn iN tHe tEnNeSsEe sUn

Today, I bought my tix for Bonnaroo and am now quite excited! Ah, the freedom plastic brings...... So, this is going to be my first large festival. Aside from a largely disappointing day at the Warped Tour [NOFX was on the ballot to play, but did not make it to that show] and a day at the Suwannee River Music Park, both many moons ago, I have yet to experience the true hippiedom of camping & music in an open field.

The concept was a bit intimidating at first... thousands of people on a farm, what is the environment was distracting from what was important - the music? But then, I thought, why not? I'm going to be going off to start Grad School and may not have the time, company, or financial comfort to attend such an extravagant event. So, out came the plastic and my tix was secured.

Last week, I watched The Motorcycle Diaries and it reinforced the motivation to take a road trip. Something I've been wanting to do for a long time. It appears that this may be the perfect time. A time of transition, a time to move.... forward. Perhaps it is a good time to enjoy some new scenery, meet some new people, and enjoy why this life is worth living.

sCeTtI nIgHt

As I sit here eating the spaghetti I made for dinner, I remember when I was little and hearing my mom say we were going to have spaghetti for dinner. It was the most fabulous idea, very exciting.............. yipee! scetti, yum...

I hardly every eat spaghetti, never order it when I go out to eat, and hardly ever make it. Though I have been making it more lately, a modified version of course. No meat and lots of chunky veggies. Oh, and no spaghetti, it's linguini now.

What happened to those days? Is plain old spaghetti not good enough for me anymore? I don't know. My diet is much different than it used to be. It's as though my perception has changed and I see food in a new light. I mean I have nothing against the food I was raised on, it was the food my mother thought was best for me and it was the way she had been raised.

It seems as though so much has changed in one generation. If I have kids, I feel they would be raised in such a different way. Though the core things would be there, hopefully, like love, support, etc. I just feel like my perspective, the way I approach the world, and my beliefs have diverged greatly from my upbringing.

But there was not a significant world event, or societal change I endured. I was confronted with a few major life events early on but I do not see the correlation between these and my present perspectives. I feel like one of the hippies in the 60's with very conservative parents. Maybe I'm leading my own revolution.... it's just I have yet to figure out what it is.

Why is it that now that I have decided to leave, things seem better and I question my decision? Don't get me wrong, I'm not going back on my decision, I mailed off the acceptance letter today, in fact. There is no going back now.

It must be a change in perspective.... but everything seems better. My job seems more interesting and I've met some really good people, who want to and make time to hang-out, who are interested in the same things, who are stimulating. On top of that, I was offered exactly what I had asked for in grad school and a research project that is perfectly fitting for what I want to do.

It's here.... I'm finally happy!! It took awhile, but it came through. Moving to a new place, exploring, being scared, it sounds wonderful. I'll be leaving wonderful people behind but will be allowing the possibility to meet more. That's right, I'm just a greedy person ; }.

Life's hard... I've become too familiar with running into walls and not getting anywhere that when things actually work out, I don't know what to do.

Sometimes I forget there's always more time.... because this is the first day of my life.

tRaVeLiNg

Traveling is a time of reflection and introspection. Though are senses are pressed with new surroundings we are constantly thinking of the past and comparing with the unfamiliar, trying to find comfort.

Why is comfort so important? Other animals act differently in unfamiliar environments. Security also is a factor in one's comfort level. The unfamiliar pushes one's limits, tests their capabilities. This is at an all time high when one travels alone. There is no one to turn to for advice or to share a smile. It's somewhat lonely but there's a calmness about walking alone. When things are good, there is a peacefulness. Then, there is the possibility of chance meetings. Occurrences that would otherwise not happen because one is preoccupied with their companion.

Traveling alone is an art, as with most things. A balance of openness and defensiveness. Due to regionality, cultural differences appear in personality characteristics. Acceptance and disapproval between people. However, as the changing landscape during a plane flight, the beauty of the differences show. Familiarity can be found through a chance meeting, if the openness is present and one's not too defensive.

solitary travel

fOrEcAsT

Thursday

Mar 24, 2005

Personal
Responsibilities can control you at this time, and certain needs require attention, especially family or personal matters. You are more selective of what you do and whom you see, and you may prefer being alone now-or circumstances can demand it. You tend to take things seriously, and a negative outlook is common if things are too demanding. Focusing on one thing at a time helps to maintain order.

Love
It’s a slow time where you can experience the weight of a relationship, and the fun is sometimes missing. You respond best to a partner when you feel secure, and your comfort range is limited to the familiar rather than to anything new. You are less likely to get out now since you may need to be alone, but if you do, you often are preoccupied, making it difficult to give.

Money

You are averse to taking risks now because you are more comfortable staying within the limits of what you know works. This is favorable for putting in your time and for implementing new strategies designed to conserve and to save money. You tend to assess realistically whatever is before you. Delays in business dealings sometimes occur now which is frustrating. Use the downtime to make necessary adjustments to ensure future success.

iT's oFfIciAl

Come June, I will be living in Greenville, North Carolina. I'm still getting comfortable with the idea. Don't get me wrong, Im excited about it and all but I'm also pretty scared. However, I have chosen to focus on the more positive side of the whole thing and deal with the negative things when they arise. It's a new system I'm working on.... I'll let ya know how it goes.

Why am I moving north??? That is a question I keep asking myself as well, but I think it is the best thing for me at the moment. I'll be starting a Geology Master's program there and the project I'll be working on could not be more perfect, unless it involved lots of field work.

While we were visiting, Matthew took a few pictures and checked out the area for me. I'll be going back up to secure an apartment sometime in the near future. That means more pictures!!

Our Youth

caged animals...

For Julie's birthday, she had oysters and then we made s'mores with the kids. It was nice. The kids had a lot of fun, learning how to shuck oysters and playing with gooey marshmellows.

oysters and s'mores

... beInG iN tRaNsItiOn

How can one receive everything they've asked for and still not be happy... or accepting of it? And even better, be upset and unhappy?

What's wrong?

Feelings of abandonment. Overwhelmingly surrounding. A pain so strong, moving past it seems impossible.

Breathe...

With each breath the hurt fluctuates. Like a roller coaster ride, sitting blind-folded, I wait for the next drop.

Shifts.

Changes occur, providing growth. Forward movement saddens the soul. To leave behind the happiness for the unknown.

Fearful thoughts...

Thoughts of the unknown bring fear to my mind. A scared little girl curled up inside. Scared of the unknown; scared to be alone.

Everyday is a day that I can say

I keep my head above the waves

Fear is an intense, strong, inhibiting, motivating force. Being in control of my feelings and capabilities to function simultaneously is something I have yet to master. During younger days, many of my friends were highly emotional beings and I never understood why daily functions were such a struggle. Now that I have worked to unleashed the deep emotions encased within, I am realizing it is quite a feat. It is a struggle to not allow those emotions to overwhelm you, like an internal struggle. To allow them to be present and express themselves and at the same time carry on with obligations and daily duties.

In dealing with this pinnacle point in my life, fear is peeking out and wanting to perform.

Fear of change

Fear of being hurt

Fear of making mistakes

Fear of repeating mistakes

It is fed more easily than other emotions or forces and somewhat impossible to ignore. Unlike other emotions, fear is not something one can be with and work through, or at least I have yet o do so. So, instead I try to focus on the positive and like an unruly child in today's society, I acknowledge it's presence but pay it no mind. With time, unlike an unruly child, the fear will pass, and I will see there was no reason to feed such a thing.

... tick .... tick ... tick .... tick

So, I'm sitting here, at work, thinking about the future... something I think too much about. Granted I'm not thinking years down the road, just a few weeks, but none the less my brain feels as though it's at max. capacity.

This whole graduate school thing, I thought was supposed to be nice and simple, like undergrad. You apply, if you have good grades, you get in... 'nough said. Oh, but that is not the way it works, see. One must obtain an overwhelming amount of money, after paying for undergraduate school, because the cost of school is much more expensive. Thankfully, in science and some other concentrations, one can get funded to go to graduate school. Their education is taken care of and they are given a measly stipend in which to live on.

As before, I thought this was attainable by getting good grades and applying ones self. But oh no.... there are hidden requirement specific to each school. Sometimes, my pessimistic attitude gets the best of me and the train of thought scampering down the 'why bother' path, takes hold. It seems like it's been too hard and I have had to put forth too much nrg to get this far. I do not want to walk away,but it makes me wonder, 'when is it too much, when does one reach the threshold of applying too much nrg?'

So, I have initiated the graduate school process... it is time to see what the universe thinks about my suggestion.

... tick .... tick ... tick .... tick ...

Last night I went and saw Finding Neverland at the Hippodrome, my favorite movie house. It was a delightful film... sweet, compassionate, sad, and happy. There were a few instances I found myself a bit teary-eyed, in a good way. I had been looking forward to seeing the film and was pleased to learn it was going to be showing at the Hippodrome. So, I waited a few weeks after the film had released to the mainstream theatres.

Making my way downtown, in the cold dreary weather, I purchased my ticket at the box office and settled into the old comfy rocking movie theatre seats at the Hippodrome, anxiously awaiting the journey to be had. On of the reasons I enjoy seeing films at the Hippodrome is because it is a small theatre and it feels as though the people in the theatre are having the experience together, as though there is some kind of camaraderie between the viewers. After the brief announcement by the film staff, asking everyone to please turn of their pagers and or cell phones, the previews begin. This is generally the time when trailers of future films and or plays are shown.

The trailer for Hotel Rwanda was ran this time. I saw this film at one of the mainstream theatres, here in town, a few weeks ago, because I did not know it was going to be showing at the Hippodrome. It was a very good film. The content was very heavy but I felt the film portrayed the weight of the subject matter without being gory or using shocking scenes. Hotel Rwanda did a phenomenal job displaying the horrific acts that occurred in Rwanda between the Hutu and the Tutsi tribes.

Then, Finding Neverland began... I will not go into detail about the film, you should experience that for yourself. It was a pleasant journey for me and I hope you enjoy it as well.

wHeRe mY bEaUtY lIeS......

Your beauty lies in Nature. Down to earth, laid back and a natural beauty. You have no need for make-up or accessories that most others do. In fact you most likely find them a nuisance. You are probably a little tom-boyish in your jeans and tees with a great love for nature. You probably know more about plants and animals than most people and you'd rather spend your times outdoors and in the sun, independent and free. You can be a bit distant with people, preferring the company of animals over people, which isn't always the best thing. You can be kind and sweet, but not many see that side of you as you often have misunderstandings with people. You are very go-with-the-flow sort of person and usually try to avoid fights even if it means changing your opinion or belief. Still, you are you look your best actually without make-up and in casual clothes. Very few can say that. Be proud.

Element: Earth, Wind

Animal: Horse

Color: Green, Purple, Earth Tones

Song: The Memory Of Trees by Enya

Expression: Cool Smile

Gemstone: Emerald

Mythological Creature: Fairy, Elf

Planet: Earth

Hair Color: Brown

Eye Color: Bright Green

click here to see where your beauty lies.

rAiNy dAzE

The rain came down with varying intensity that day. Gazing out the window, following the movement of hydrogen and oxygen molecules, I watched the trees... weighed down by accumulated water droplets, singing with happiness as they cowered, with the weight of their existence. Each gust of air offered more water to the ground below, not yet saturated by the drizzling rains.

If one could follow the travels of a droplet of water, where would it take us?

wElL, iT's oFfIcIaL......

I am 29% Emo.

Hmm.. I should stop listening to Dashboard Confessional.... enough said... Now that I stopped looking at my shoes, I know how the real world looks.

Take the
Emo Test
@ FualiDotCom

Who the f*ck is Dashboard Confessional anyway? No really, I know I've heard of them but I have no idea what their music is like. It's weird, I read someone's who was 75% EMO and theirs sounded less than mine. Oh well...... it's the glasses.

Awaking lazily this morning, making a slow start, I was jossled upon looking at the clock and headed out the door for work. The weather has been nice, the past few days, now that it is starting to warm a bit. Ah... I can feel summer, it's on its way.... and I can't wait!

Driving to work this morning was somewhat of a blur. I don't really remember what was playing on NPR, probably something about Iraq or Bush and budget cuts. It has become white noise that I don't even hear it anymore. Perhaps it's because I don't want to hear it, because it makes me angry.

However, this morning I wasn't angry.... I felt nervous, anxious. As I rode my bike towards work I decided this was going to be a good day. My anxiousness was a good thing and I was going to have a wonderful day! After purchasing coffee and a muffin, I continued towards my work destination. Arriving to the lab, I started samples to continue on their way through the procedures and experiments being their destiny. Then, I jumped on the computer to check my email, a daily morning ritual. My nervousness increased as I see I had received an email from UCSB, one of the graduate schools I had applied. My breath stifled as I logged onto their network to check the status of my application. There it is radiating back at me..... denied. An active link led me to a generic letter, attempting to make me feel as though it wasn't just me they were rejecting but many others. That was supposed to make me feel better, I guess.... though I didn't understand why.

Thankfully, that was not the college I am desiring to go to. That college has yet to make their decision. As I sit here writing this now, my arms feel a bit shakey and the nervousness still persists, which brings me back to this being a good day. As I was thinking this originally, as I rode to the coffee shop, I wondered.... how is this going to be a good day? I could wake up every morning and think that. How would that change the activities of the day? Would it change my approach and reaction to the activities of the day? Would that make a difference? So, I have decided to test this hypothesis and see if it truly does make a difference, though I feel I already know the answer.

So, here is some music I have decided to obtain....

The list includes:
Golden Palominos
Fountains of Wayne
Future Soundtrack for America
Genocide in Sudan


In addition to the amazing American Astronaut DVD that has recently been released. It is phenomenal!!!

I awoke, somewhat startled, from sleep while cozily checking out the comforts of my new sleeping bag. It made me wonder why it is I yearn to be outdoors. It's not that I am trying to escape company, I often prefer it, actually, while exploring the wilderness. So, what is it then?

Perhaps it's an escape from society that I'm after. It's like entering a different world. A different world full of different rules. Rules that make sense and feel right. I think that's it... I'm trying to escape a place I have never felt comfortable and have yet to understand or abide by the rules, and place myself in a more conducive environment.

Maybe this is an idealistic thought. Considering I have to buy expensive camping gear to venture into the environment in which I feel so much more at home. I feel like a yuppie or that I am beginning to live a yuppie lifestyle. I do not think or consider myself one but I feel as though I may appear as such. I'm not sure labels have done anyone any good. They are something I am a big fan of, anyway.

What does the future hold?
A gift for you and me
a treasure to behold
savored day to day
or a life of regret?
Questionable memories
reality or fantasy?
an answer held
inside of me.

...wAitIng...

So, I have been in this limbo state recently, waiting to hear back from graduate schools I have applied to, and it occurred to me that I don't have a plan B if none of those schools come through. Unless I get a deal that's going to pay for my school and offer a T/A or R/A, there's no way I can work and support myself. It'll be too much. So, I'm still keeping my fingers crossed for UNCW. That is the college I'd really like to go to out of the others I've applied.

I was even looking at houses in the area and I found some really cute ones. When I started thinking about buying a house, I got so excited.... The thought of owning my own house is great. I didn't know it was so cheap! The downpayments are only like 10%. For some reason, I was under the impression that one needed a fourth or so for a downpayment. The interest rates are so low now, it would be a good time to buy.

a wAlkIng cOntrAdIctIOn

I love simplicity but exist within complexity. Sometimes I wonder if it's me or society. Living simply is very attractive, but seems unattainable at the same time. Perhaps it's that I'm trying to gain what I can't have. I do not feel it is all me though, because I had the opportunity to live simply and I enjoyed it very much. In fact, I did not want to return.

Why is living simply a struggle? There is something wrong with your society. I feel at odds every day with societal structure. The world would work more easily if people lived more simply. This should be looked upon positively, not negatively. Let's give tax breaks to the corporations which are degrading the environment we are living in and polluting the air we breath but do not make it easier for organic growers, to produce their more wholesome and pesticide free foods.

I wonder if it will ever be easy. Either I choose to live within societal standards and be miserable or I live a life impacting as little as I can on the environment and be at odds with society. It is so frustrating! Sometimes I don't know what to do... but force myself to get out of bed and go to work. All the time asking myself, why?

rAmbLingS

What is it with distractions? They come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes we create them or are looking for them and sometimes they seem to follow us around. I feel as though I want to be distracted, but it is not a positive thing... I don't understand it. It retards growth and/or movement in one's life. I do not see the positive aspect.

I admire people who can block it all out and move forward in their lives. For some reason that does not sound attractive; however, nor does being distracted all the time. Perhaps I give too much weight to little things. Yet, it is the little things that matter most to me. It's the little things that make me happy and the little things that make me sad.

Dealings

Feeling tiny

very small

you can't see me

no, not at all.

I've disappeared

gone away

shriveled up

with old age.

An old spirit

but a young mind

withdrawing out of defensiveness

trying to hide.

Hide and seek...

a child's game

playing still

today,today.

To disconnect

to save the pain

to not get hurt

it's the only way.

No words to speak

nothing to say

sitting quietly

for today.

vD

Yeah, I'm talking about venereal disease, jk. However, that is what I think of when I see VD. Guess that shows how much I am observant and appreciative of Valentine's Day. This blog entry is going to be full of information about the true meaning of Valentine's Day (for of you who do not know) and some other perceptions on the topic.

Enjoy.......

As most holidays celebrated by the majority of people in America, VD was originally a pagan holiday that was christianized. February 14th is a celebration of the Feast of Lubercus. The first interpretation has this celebration originating as a pagan tradition in the third century. During this time hordes of hungry wolves roamed outside of Rome where shepherds kept their flocks. The God Lupercus, was said to watch over the shepherds and their flocks and keep them from the wolves. Every February the Romans celebrated a feast called Lupercalia to honor Lupercus so that no harm would come to the shepherds and their flocks. Also during Lupercalia, but in honor of the goddess Juno Februata, the names of young women were put into a box and names were drawn by lot. The boys and girls who were matched would be considered partners for the year, which began in March. This celebration continued long after wolves were a problem to Rome.

As Christianity became prevalent, priests attempted to replace old heathen practices. To Christianize the ancient pagan celebration of the Feast of Lubercus, the church officials changed the name to St. Valentine's Day. To give the celebration further meaning and eliminate pagan traditions, priests substituted the drawing of Saints names for the names of the girls. On St. Valentine's Day the priest placed saint's names into an urn or box. The young people then drew a name from the container. In the following year, the youth was supposed to emulate the life of the saint whose name he had drawn.

By the fourteenth century they reverted back to the use of girl's names. In the sixteenth century they once again tried to have saintly valentines but it was as unsuccessful as the first attempt.

While it can't be proved historically, there were seven men named Valentine who were honored with feasts on February 14th. Of these men, two stories link incidents that could have given our present day meaning to St. Valentine's Day.

One of these men named Valentine was a priest during the reign of Emperor Claudius. Valentine was revered by the young and old, rich and poor, with people of all walks of life attending his services. At this time Emperor Claudius was heavily recruiting men to serve as soldiers for his wars without much success. The men preferred not to leave their wives, families and sweethearts to fight in foreign lands. Claudius became angry and declared that no more marriages could be performed and all engagements were cancelled.

Valentine thought this to be unfair and secretly married several couples. When Claudius found out, he threw Valentine in prison where he died. Friends of the priest retrieved his body and buried it in a churchyard in Rome.*

So, if you are celebrating VD, this is what you are celebrating: A christian holiday based on a man who was a martyr and stood up for something he believed in, the union of two people. However, the majority of people celebrating this holiday are not knowledgeable of this tid bit of information and it has become a material holiday in which one is obligated to express how they feel towards a significant other. I personally believe this is shit and if someone feels that way they should express it because they want to not because they feel obligated, like a christmas present. Imagine what the corporations and industries would d if there was no christianity. Perhaps they would simply create their own holidays to market.

Being that VD is celebrated as the day to one's affection to another let's discuss the topic of love. Love, we are repeatedly taught, consists of self-sacrifice. Love based on self-interest, we are admonished, is cheap and sordid. True love, we are told, is altruistic. But is it?

Dr. Gary Hull wrote an article discussing this topic in relation to Valentine's Day and argues that love is anything but altruistic. It's the most selfish experience possible because in the true sense of the term: it benefits your life in a way that involves no sacrifice of others to yourself or of yourself to others.

To love a person is selfish because it means that you value that particular person, that he or she makes your life better, that he or she is an intense source of joy--to you. A "disinterested" love is a contradiction in terms. One cannot be neutral to that which one values. The time, effort and money you spend on behalf of someone you love are not sacrifices, but actions taken because his or her happiness is crucially important to your own. Such actions would constitute sacrifices only if they were done for a stranger--or for an enemy. Those who argue that love demands self-denial must hold the bizarre belief that it makes no personal difference whether your loved one is healthy or sick, feels pleasure or pain, is alive or dead.

It is regularly asserted that love should be unconditional, and that we should "love everyone as a brother." We see this view advocated by the "non-judgmental" grade-school teacher who tells his class that whoever brings a Valentine's Day card for one student must bring cards for everyone. We see it in the appalling dictum of "Hate the sin, but love the sinner"--which would have us condemn death camps but send Hitler a box of Godiva chocolates. Most people would agree that having sex with a person one despises is debased. Yet somehow, when the same underlying idea is applied to love, people consider it noble.

Love is far too precious to be offered indiscriminately. It is above all in the area of love that egalitarianism ought to be repudiated. Love represents an exalted exchange--a spiritual exchange--between two people, for the purpose of mutual benefit.

You love someone because he or she is a value--a selfish value to you, as determined by your standards--just as you are a value to him or her.

It is the view that you ought to be given love unconditionally--the view that you do not deserve it any more than some random bum, the view that it is not a response to anything particular in you, the view that it is causeless--which exemplifies the most ignoble conception of this sublime experience.

The nature of love places certain demands on those who wish to enjoy it. You must regard yourself as worthy of being loved. Those who expect to be loved, not because they offer some positive value, but because they don't--i.e., those who demand love as altruistic duty--are parasites. Someone who says "Love me just because I need it" seeks an unearned spiritual value--in the same way that a thief seeks unearned wealth. To quote a famous line from The Fountainhead: "To say 'I love you,' one must know first how to say the 'I '"

Valentine's Day--with its colorful cards, mouth-watering chocolates and silky lingerie--gives material form to this spiritual value. It is a moment for you to pause, to ignore the trivialities of life--and to celebrate the selfish pleasure of being worthy of someone's love and of having found someone worthy of yours.**

*The Origins of Valentine's Day http://www.techdirect.com/valentine/origin.html
** Gary Hull, Ph.D. in philosophy, is a senior writer for the Ayn Rand Institute in Marina del Rey, Calif. The Institute promotes the philosophy of Ayn Rand, author of Atlas Shrugged and The Fountainhead.

The method master of gadgets and gizmos checks out his recent pix on the contraption used to watch moves, schedule events, take pix, and oh yeah talk to people too.

tHe wEigHtEd wOrD

Relationships.....

This concept has been engulfing me recently. Drawing in more drama that I do not necessarily want or need. Conversations and thought seem to focus on it, like that painting that follows you wherever you move but you still are looking at it. I do not enjoy talking and thinking about them all the time.... but they have become overwhelming. Allowing someone into my life and the ability to become close to me was a struggle and something I worked hard to be able to do and now.... I wonder why.

Is it worth it?

The positive things are wonderful. However there is always a negative, and the negative seem far more severe than the positive. They last longer, lingering... like the taste of nasty medicine. Yet this lingering lasts for months on end, finally diminishing to a point one becomes used to it. The positive is easily and somewhat eagerly returned to whereas the negative is banished, locked away. The catch is when one returns to the positive, the negative is waiting... just moments away.

Perhaps this is simply me, an individual in a sea of individuals... who are no longer individuals but couples. That, however, is a whole nother topic for another blog.
...........................................................

eArlY mOrNinG tHoUgHtS

As the early morning hours arrive and coversations of relationships drift by, I am left with thoughts of....

needs and desires.

I reflect on myself and content of previous conversations. I feel as though knowing what I want and not settling is a good thing....

but then I question myself.

Am I doing so in order to avoid circumstances? Or is this a benefit in that I am avioding circumstances that would have not not been beneficial?

This thought lingers like the smoke of a cigarette abandoned in an ashtray. It rises as though it is continuously fed and then sits in a cloud waiting for more to rise....

to come and join the others.

It amazes me how I was so sure of the way I felt and then...

....woosh....

I am drawn back in
into the place I was
a place of uncertainty
of confusion and unsettled feelings.

I still feel certain of my feelings but, uncertain of the future at the same time. The power of emotions is both emensely strong and baffling. How can something so strong and seemingly full of nrg be stagnant?

At least that is how I feel at the moment. Life is moving forward and I am still trying to understand....

but that time has passed
and now, I need to choose
to move on
with time
or to stay
stagnant
in my feelings and thoughts.

The force of entropy will prevail and things will come apart as they have been built. Perhaps this is a test, of making the same mistake...

again.

Or perhaps it is a second chance...

to experience what could have been.

Regardless of my actions, time will move forward, or backward... it will move on, none the less. It will show me, in due time....

the answers to my questions.

But.... will I remember the question, when the answer presents itself?

...what it's FRIDAY!

That time has come.....

It has arrived.....

I have discussed with friends before but it has become a reality.

I'll just admit it... oh but it is so hard...

Yes, I have become...........

a weekend warrior.

How does this all come about. One day you're just bouncing along, not stressed with being at work your full 8 hours each day or making sure you're fulfilling that 40 hour week and then......... poof........ it all changes. And you become a work mule, pulling the the 9-5 schedule. All of a sudden Fridays are like miniholidays. You want to get out of work early, just an hour... or two... oh hell, take a half day. And the savoring of the weekend begins.

Now, if you are anything like me, this process starts much sooner than Friday. In order to maximize the weekend one has to have options of events and things to do during these nonwork days. If not activities, an excursion to plan. This takes time and it begins to fill up the evenings and nights, previously filled with studying and just plain slacking off, before becoming a.... weekend warrior.

However, there are some positive things coming out of this, you definitely have time to spend all that 'extra' money you are making, now that you aren't in school. This goes towards the supplies and things you will need on these weekend excursions and activities in addition to the other 'hobbies' you pick up to keep yourself sane and occupied, since you are no longer stressed with a course load of assignments and projects. For instance, such things as a mountain bike, kayak (which I have yet to use), a digital camera, and the list goes on.

So, I have come to the conclusion that this is why our society is so materialistic. If the majority of people in the workforce are unsatisfactorily employed, what do they do with their 'extra' money? Why spend it on junk of course. I wrote 'extra' as such because people don't generally have extra money, they are in debt. Credit cards serve our economy well, allowing all those impulse buyers access to the items they would otherwise not be able to purchase.

As always... this is just one of my skewed perceptions of what is considered realty.

bIrThDaY wIsHeS

Monday was my friend and old roommate, Katye's birthday. Since she was in Gainesville we all went out to celebrate. For this event we decided to go to Farrah's, which is a Mediterranean restaurant (I think). Anyway, we decided to go to have some drinks and smoke a hooka, something I had yet to do. So, we wandered into the restaurant around 8:30p.m., prime smoking and drinking time. Come to find out, the restaurant was just about to close. However, we were lucky and a kind waiter, something one does not come across in Gainesville, informed us he would stay. I don't mean kind like he brought us the extra salad dressing for free, but kind like he gave us a hooka, though they had just stopped allowing anyone to 'order' one, got us food (even though the kitchen had just closed), allowed us to eat in the 'hooka smoking area' (which you usually can't eat in, apparently), and was attentive and happy the whole time. Unfortunately, the evening was not well documented in photographs, but I was able to get a few nice shots. Below is a pix of Eray and Katye.

The 'hooka smoking area' was laid out with pillows piled against the walls. It was quite comfy and cozy. The hooka itself is an interesting mechanism, if it can be defined as such. They bring it out already heated, unlike a bong; yet it operates similarly. Additionally, ice is located within the hooka. Whether or not this is simply to cool the smoke before you inhale it or if it acts like some kind of filter, I am not sure. I am going to look more deeply into this matter.

Regardless, I had a wonderful time. It was good company and hooka smoking mading a great evening. If you ever find yourself in a situation where you can smoke one but perhaps never wanted to, highly recommend it. I found it to be much different than smoking other substances. It was not like tobacco at all. I am told it is more like an incense, which is actually worse for you than tobacco... something to do with the size of the molecules and them being able to penetrate and infiltrate your body, another matter to look into more deeply.

a dAy In tHe pArk

Taking advantage of the nice weather, I ventured up to O'Leno State Park, which is north of High Springs in the center of the state. It's a nice park. The trails are well kept and you can wander on and off trail as you would like. I enjoy this aspect very much. After going over the bridge, there is a suspension bridge you cross get over the water, we roamed amongst the cypress knees. While doing so we came across this beautiful tree that had fallen over with it's base and roots pulled up from the ground. For some reason I find this very beautiful. I remember going downtown St. Augustine after a large storm and seeing the large oak on the fort green. It had been turn over in the same manner but because there had been so much rain with the hurricane, it was surrounded by water.... it's own little island. Ever since, I find these scenes very interesting and full of beauty.

good friends are a treasure

a lOvElY vIsIt

What is it about the company of friends that's so uplifting? Is it because one feels as though they are cared for or simply the rejuvenation of interacting with others? This topic is quite interesting to me. After having moved to Gainesville, 5 years ago, I have not had the pleasure of meeting very many friends. For whatever reason, this did not occur. Yet, when I go to St. Augustine to visit already existing friends, it seems like I end up meeting someone new. This has bothered me, for the past 5 years. I finally washed my hands of it and gave up trying to understand why this occurred. However, due to the events of this past weekend, I started thinking about it again.

During weekends when I stay in Gainesville, the days usually consist of me feeling trapped and often like I'm chasing my tail, going round and round in circles and never getting anywhere. The only positive feeling I seem to have is on Sunday evening when I think 'just get thru this night and then the work week starts'. Yet at the same time, this is an awful feeling.

This past weekend, I had a real treat... friends came over to visit. This does not normally happen unless I am seeing someone and I cannot go see them. What was really nice was when we were out casually talking and enjoying a beer. I realized, this does not normally happen here, in Gainesville, for me. I felt like I should be in St. Augustine.

Regardless to say, I had a very nice time and hope it will happen again. In a sense, it's wonderful to have friends that are located in other towns, states, or countries but at the same time it's a bit saddening... because you don't get to enjoy that time with them and be a presence in their lives and visa versa. Yet, that is how life is and like our friends, it is something we have to accept, just as it is.

wOoHoO!

ok, ok, ok.....

So, I finally bought it. What is this mysterious item of which I speak? Guess.... no, guess again.... ok, I'll tell you. I bought [....drum roll.....] Garden State, on DVD. I was going to wait a bit, since I had returned to higher bills than expected, but I couldn't do it. I got to watch it again at Danielle's.

It's amazing how one's current situation and position in life affects their perception. I have really enjoyed watching this movie each time, not just because I like the movie and think Zach Braff did a great job, but because it seems as though each time, it's different. Perhaps that is because my life has been going through so many fluctuations in the past year.

Anyway, it was good watch and I look forward to many more viewings. So, if you would like to watch it, just let me know. There are also a couple really good movies coming out. F.Y.I. Richard Linklater is making a movie in the same format as Waking Life [I forget what it's called]. The movie is named, A Scanner Darkly, and it's based on the story written by the guy who also wrote Bladerunner. Additionally, Richard Kelly, who wrote and directed Donnie Darko, has written and is directing another film called Southland Tales, which I have mentioned before.

rEaLiTy

Chemistry

my heart is on my sleeve my head is in the sand

i said how did we end up here? you said happenstance

but i didn't understand so i made other plans

i ran to the ocean washed the blood off of my hands

i washed away my tears washed away ten years

washed away the empty space in-between my ears

and you said all that i mean is that you and me

didn't meet because of fate but rather probability

and you said the truth's like corn and lies are like weeds

you said the schroedinger equation collapsed perfectly

and i said mercy me be patient please

'cause i don't know a goddam thing about the birds and the bees

i just know what i'm like and i'm like what i see

even though it's hard to see because you just blinded me

and if there's one thing i learned in chemistry

it's that the gain of electrons is reduction, obviously

but you can't see electrons without machines

and you can't tell from my inflection if i'm being mean

and i don't know if i can take you seriously

sometimes elections depend on the absentees

and my family and my friends

and all the little kids that love me make me strong

and no matter how this ends

i know i'll never ever ever be alone

some day i'll be an old lady

with a big dress and an apron

a babushka and bare feet

i'll be out in my garden

on my hands and knees

and i'll be singing a song

that is really sad and sweet

mommy and daddy your baby is grown

and the smell of the cold, wet dirt reminds me home

a song written by Kimya Dawson

oh yeah.....this man knows what he's talking about!

eXcEss wInE

Left to right: Erik, me, and Richard at Sterling Vineyard

Here's the happy trio Our last vineyard. Behind us is a beautiful view. This one was nice because we took a gondola up to the Vineyard. The ride was beautiful and then there was a walking tour and...you guessed it.... tasting more wine. This all for the cost of $10. I thought it was worth it. Erik likes this place so much he bought 3 bottles. We returned back to our car and rainy weather and headed off to find something to eat. All that wine and no food was getting to me.

We stopped at this restaurant called Mustards. The food was absolutely fantastic. Erik and I could not take it all in. We wanted to try everything on the menu. It was so good. I could have eaten all night. Erik and I ordered two appetizers. Then, I had a salad and a desert with a coffee. It was heavenly! If you go to Nappa Valley it is a must, but you better call ahead and make a reservation. We were lucky b/c a few seats at the bar opened up and we ate there, otherwise the wait would have been a few hours. After this extraordinary meal, we headed home to Erik's with a belly full of wine and good food. We were happy campers.

.

cOppOlA vInEyArd

This is one of my favorite pix from the whole trip. This was taken at the Coppola Vineyard. It was a beautiful old building with a nice courtyard and fountain out front. There was a man there with a white american pit bull mix. It looked very similar to one of the dogs we had when I was younger. I was missing Karza so much, I had to ask him if I could pet her. She was very sweet.

The wine is made in wooden or metal barrels. However, many prefer those aged in wooden over metal. The building was old stone with as shown in the pix with a beautifulstairway when you walk in the front doors. off the left and right sides, before going upstairs are a series of rooms. This is one of the rooms.

nAppA vAllEy

After getting back from Santa Barbara we decided to take advantage of a short break in the weather and headed to wine country. Though I'm not a big wine drinker, i was ready to see some of the countryside and enjoy the ride. We headed over the Golden Gate bridge, away from the rain over the hills and into the valley. There were rows of grape vines on both sides of the road with many vineyards to choose from. Our first stop,brought us to this vineyard, which offered free wine tasting. We toured the gift shop area, picking up some great tasting treats and headed to the counter to enjoy our samplings of wine. The bitter reds and dry whites are not much interest to me, however, rose wines were not in high demand. So, I would try a sip or two and then hand the remaining portion over to Erik, who greatly enjoys wine. The shot below was taken by Erik and his true passion shows through.

mOrE On thE cAstlE

The last part of the tour, we visited a beautiful pool made of beautiful tiles. It was so bright and colourful. But before getting on the bus, I had to take a pix of this view. I thought is was breathtaking. The surrounding area of the castle was so beautiful, I don't think I would have spent much time in the castle, itself. Though there was a theatre, where Hearst showed a film every night and each guest was required to attend. Hearst would fly in various people, including many of the famous holywood names. There was also a billiard room, two pools, and inside running water.

dEtAIl

For some reason, I really liked this detailed portion of an outside banister. Like the majority of the castle, it was one of the various eclectic artworks making up the facade and surrounding area. Hearst liked art but not one particular type or theme. There were replicas of ancient egyptian statues not far from a white marble statue resembling David.

ElAbOrAtE cAstlE

So, Richard and I headed south and along the way, it began to rain. Not a big deal for us, coming from Florida, except this rain did not stop. It rained for the remainder of our stay in California. We stopped along the way at various vista points to check out the view. One time, we stopped but the wind was so strong, Richard could not even open his car door. So we moved on dow Route 1. It was beautiful! Racing downa winding road on jagged 90 degree cliffs kissing the Pacific ocean what seems like miles below.

We arrived in Santa Baraba that evening and it was still raining. We settled down and eventually crashed. It was nice to visit Stu. He showed us around Santa Barbara the next day, unfortunately, it was still raining.... limiting our ventures. I had wanted to visit the college there, UCSB, which Stu attends for Marine Science. I have applied to thier Geology program and wanted to check it out. We briefly visited a few areas of campus. It was nice.... right on the beach. It would be wonderful to attend grad school at a campus located on the coast.

The next day, Richard and I took advantage of a brief break in the rain and headed north. Due to all the rain, a landslide had closed a portion of the coastal road, which was the route we were going to take so, we took another road into the mountains. It was very beautiful. On the way back to San Francisco we stopped at a place called Hearst Castle. It was built by a man named Hearst, who apparently was a bit of a nature lover and valued the trees on the estate. Some of the pictures from the Castle and surrounding are are below....

sAd wRiNkLeD fAcE

Finally, arriving in San Francisco on December 24th, a day later than expected, the sun was full force and so were we...out and exploring the coast, driving down to Half Moon Bay. Along the way, we stopped and took advantage of a beautiful spot with a small beach and intricately eroded cliffs. Breathtaking is how I would describe the west coast of California because it took my breath away every time I saw it. The mountains were gorgeous and the abrupt coastal cliffed edge was mesmerizing. I will post more pix soon, but now it is time for sleep....... z..z...z..z...

eXplOrAtIOn

After arriving in California, finally. I found it to be georgeous, at least the coastal area... or I should say the undeveloped areas. The city was nice, as cities are. There is a good public transport system and you can walk pretty much wherever you need to go, except when it's raining. I mention this because this is what I dealt with majority of time I was there.

After traveling down the coast a bit, Richard and I caught a ride into town with Erik, on his way to work. We explored the Embarcadero area and walked down to Pier 39, the warf area. That's where the x-mas tree was. There were also sea lions hanging out on wooden flats on the water.
Christmas day was a lazy day of maying around and I was able to catch up on my rest. Then we went for our Christmas dinner, which of course was a chinese dinner, the only type of restaurant open on December 25th in the U.S.A., not that it's a christian country or anything... just ask our president.

Fisherman's Warf Tree

a contemplative study

this was my shot...damnit!