If you don't have anything nice to say... should you say antything at all?

What does one say when they have nothing positive to say? That is a question I am faced with constantly. Just now, someone visiting was inquiring about my experience at ECU and it seemed everything that came out of my mouth was negative. In such cases should I just not say anything? That is my normal approach, but then I feel like I am not being honest. So, then, how honest should I be?

It couldn't have been that bad, people tell me. So I try to think of the positives from my experiences at ECU... ... ... and nothing. Yes, I did meet a few nice people who I am thankful for; however, I lost just as many, if not more along the way... and the relationships lost had been cultivated and nurtured over many years making them much stronger connections than those made.

Anything else? Nothing positive to speak of... and so it is not surprising there very little good things to speak of when someone asks about my experience, my time, at ECU. My time... like a prisoner, which is how I felt for most of the time there... serving out my sentence.

Today is a day of love, love for another, but most importantly, love for oneself. In the day to week activities and obligations we often forget to love ourselves and sometimes, how to love ourselves.

Loving myself is a task I often forget about, and when I think of other people, with families and more obligations, I cannot even fathom being able to do it all.

Recent conversations have got me pondering thoughts of relationships, of being a part of something more, of someone else's life. It is something that was always part of my life before, but has, over the past ten years, slowly wilted away. Over the said duration a few new relationships have sprouted, but with each one, they seem to become less and less strong, less accepting, and less intimate.

I guess lately, I feel more like those around me put up with me as opposed to care about me. Not to strike up a pity party, but it is the feeling that has become more and more prominent over the years. Each time I feel this way, I sink further into myself, seeking comfort, finding it harder and harder to climb out each time... a sensitive seventeen year old, watching the world go by, changing, but stagnantly I stay, trying to love myself and all the wounds life has left along the way.

A life of limbo

Limbo

Tis a strange place, this Limbo!--not a Place,
Yet name it so;--where Time and weary Space
Fettered from flight, with night-mare sense of fleeing,
Strive for their last crepuscular half-being;--
Lank Space, and scytheless Time with branny hands
Barren and soundless as the measuring sands,
Not mark'd by flit of Shades,--unmeaning they
As moonlight on the dial of the day!
But that is lovely--looks like human Time,--
An old man with a steady look sublime,
That stops his earthly task to watch the skies;
But he is blind--a statue hath such eyes;--
Yet having moonward turn'd his face by chance,
Gazes the orb with moon-like countenance,
With scant white hairs, with fore top bald and high,
He gazes still,--his eyeless face all eye;--
As 'twere an organ full of silent sight,
His whole face seemeth to rejoice in light!
Lip touching lip, all moveless, bust and limb--
He seems to gaze at that which seems to gaze on him!
No such sweet sights doth Limbo den immure,
Wall'd round, and made a spirit-jail secure,
By the mere horror of blank Naught-at-all,
Whose circumambience doth these ghosts enthral.
A lurid thought is growthless, dull Privation,
Yet that is but a Purgatory curse;
Hell knows a fear far worse,
A fear--a future state;--'tis positive Negation!

~Samuel Taylor Coleridge 1817

my life has been is in limbo... it has been in limbo since i was 17... i keep thinking after my thesis is finished it will begin again... but i have a feeling i will always be limbo... i don't like limbo

Snowilliniliness

Today was a day of firsts. First time driving in the snow. First time watching the presidential inauguration. First time in the past 8 years the U.S. has chosen a leader that has it's citizens best interest in mind. First time I've swam 30 laps, since I've moved to MHC. First time taking off work due to weather. Perhaps some of these seem inconsequential, but today has been life impacting in subtle ways. Today was the first time I felt a smidgen of pride to be a citizen of the U.S. because there was finally a move in a positive direction. Not b/c the person I voted for is now president, nor that a democrat is in the White House, nor b/c an African American is president [though I do believe those are wonderful things], I am proud because finally enough people came together to make something happen.

Quote of the week

Live each season as it passes; breather air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each. Let them be your only diet drink and botanical medicines.

~Henry David Thoreau

Morning thoughts....

If we are each the center of our own universe, then how do connections occur? How would our universes overlap? Should we instead be not the center of our own universe and more like a proton, orbiting the periphery, shifting consciousness, and enlarging our universe...

However, if we are more like protons, orbiting our own universe, are we not aware of the possibilities that abound? Meaning, does our universe that we are orbiting inhibit connections or is our universe porous, so as to say connections and possibilities can permeate? If this is the case and our own universe is permeable to possibilities and connections, then we do not need to be orbiting our universe. However, it does not seem possible that our universe, a culmination of the positive and negative bits and pieces of our lives, the residue that is left at the end of each day, does not act as some type of filter.

Therefore, shall we be open, at least partially, to new experiences, as one who orbits their own universe, or shall we sit comfortably, completely enveloped in a filter, like a cosy warm blanket, keeping all the bad [and possibly good] at bay?

The fog of reality

Sails and sunshine

The Simple Abundance entry for today touched on women who read too much and how that is impossible... that a person cannot read too much. However, I wonder is that is completely true. Yes, we can constantly gain more from each new reading; however, do our brains have a maximum capacity? Perhaps some can continuously fill their heads with information, but I seem unable to access information I have not readily used. Maybe my brain operated on a use it or loose it regime.

Additionally, I wonder if becoming more educated hinders us in some way. I know, I know, how could I possibly say that? Well, it's just that it's just that when we gain more knowledge and then need to gain more, and more, and more... it's a greedy cycle and of what benefit? Does it make us happier? Healthier? More like fatter and miserable. I'm not saying that knowledge and it's repercussions are all... I just think that perhaps it clutters our lives in way... and after awhile, it can be hindering and/or suffocating.

I think it best to keep it simple. Perhaps this merely means filtering through the mountainous information and picking out only that which is necessary and implementable. A feat easier said than done.

Remembering Mr. Roger

Growing up, I was never a fan of the TV show, Mr Roger's neighborhood. I could not understand why he would change his shoes and sweater when he went inside his house and I wasn't a big fan of The Neighborhood of Make-Believe. However, while listening to a This American Life episode, Neighbors that was originally aired in 2001. In the first act of the episode, Davy Rothbart, the creator of Found magazine, goes to visit Fred Roger's. As the story goes, on a family trip, when he was a child, following a correspondence between his brother and Mr. Roger, the family stopped by his house for a visit. Some number of years later, Davy Rothbart sets up a meeting with the aged Fred Roger. While listening to their conversations, focusing on neighbors and the general goodness that seems to be what comes out of Fred Rogers, including the following answer when Davy Rothbart asked Fred Roger about why neighbours are afraid to eachother and don't get to know eachother:

"I can tell you what i hope that I would do. I would hope that I would be brave enough to visit. It's so easy to condemn when we don't know, and if I would visit you and find out that you are a reasonable person, I could tell you about my sensitivities and see if it would make any difference to you."

After hearing the sensible good hearted responses Fred Roger had to say, I googled him and came across the PBS website for the television show. Within the website there are a few links on various topics of Thought for All Ages by Fred Rogers. Under the link for Growing in Adulthood, it lists three 'thoughts':

I recently learned that in an average lifetime a person walks about sixty-five thousand miles. That's two and half times around the world. I wonder where your steps will take you. I wonder how you'll use the rest of the miles you're given.

It's not the honors and the prizes and the fancy outsides of life which ultimately nourish our souls. It's the knowing that we can be trusted, that we never have to fear the truth, that the bedrock of our very being is good stuff. That's what makes growing humanity the most potentially glorious enterprise on earth.

Please think of the children first. If you ever have anything to do with their entertainment, their food, their toys, their custody, their childcare, their health care, their education—listen to the children, learn about them, learn from them. Think of the children first.

Even though I may not have cared much for the children's show, I find it touching what Mr. Roger has to offer. I don't know if the show is still on the air, but I hope children growing up today are influenced by the mores and perceptions he offered.

Death... or something

While driving to work this morning I caught a bit of the UK broadcast discussing the airing of someone taking their own life. Apparently, it is part of a documentary that was filmed a few years ago and will be seen on the British airways sometime soon. What caught my attention, more than the content of the radio broadcast, was how those interviewed never made a statement as to "... they should not be able to air such a thing...", the persons interviewed spoke more so as to say "... I hope that the content of the footage is done in a respectful manner..."

Perhaps this is not a significant point to be made, but it got me thinking about how Americans are so quick to point fingers and tell others what should and should not be done. Americans rave about their freedoms and opportunities, yet somehow it seems fictitious in a way. More and more, others are deciding what is best the public, instead of letting them decide for themselves. The opportunities are disappearing because there is too much of a liability. What ever happened to responsibility?

Silence

There is a silence where hath been no sound,

There is a silence where no sound may be,

In the cold grave—under the deep, deep sea,

Or in wide desert where no life is found,

Which hath been mute, and still must sleep profound;

No voice is hush'd—no life treads silently,

But clouds and cloudy shadows wander free,

That never spoke, over the idle ground:

But in green ruins, in the desolate walls

Of antique palaces, where Man hath been,

Though the dun fox or wild hyæna calls,

And owls, that flit continually between,

Shriek to the echo, and the low winds moan—

There the true Silence is, self-conscious and alone.

~ Thomas Hood (1798–1845)

Ramblings

look into my eyes
what a big surprise
oh, how can this be
forever we must see
hand in hand we move
through life's uncertainties
is it you
or is it me?
together, will we make it three?
a new life
yet unstarted
distantly appearing
free from life's rigidity
pleasant in uncertainty
how else can this be
that you are I
and I are we
circles, circles
everywhere
yet we end
where we began
moving forward
to start again
a lesson
yet unlearned
to be repeated
each time anew.

Say what??

“Communication is depositing a part of yourself in another person.” ~ Unknown

After the emotional roller coaster of effortlessly trying to meet with my adviser to discuss my still unfinished thesis [although that I am working towards finishing it... hence the purpose of the meeting], I walked way midday after the meeting practically glowing... not because he praised my work, not because I came to some profound understand, merely because we FINALLY communicated. In an age when one has a multitude of communication avenues, it seems that little communication actually occurs. However, the positiveness of today's meeting has set the tone for the weekend and hopefully the weeks that follow. With deadlines and much to be done, it's a pleasure to move through it all with a head raised and a smile on one's face greeting the mac truck coming straight for ya. At least that way one can enjoy the look on the driver's face as they are inevitably thinking, "OH SH*T!!"

“The way we communicate with others and with ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives” ~ Anthony Robbins

Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited, whereas imagination embraces the entire world, stimulating progress, giving birth to evolution.

~Albert Einstein

2nd Annual Friend's Seafood Thanksgiving

A full table, full stomachs, and a kitchen full of dirty dishes. What more does one want on the biggest poultry eating holiday of the year? How about a late Thanksgiving Eve trip to the local seafood market for get crab cakes and stuffed clams to go with the creamed corn hush puppies.... oh yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about.

Ah, I'm already looking forward to next year.....

Even Albert agrees

If I would be a young man again and had to decide how to make my living, I would not try to become a scientist or scholar or teacher. I would rather choose to be a plumber or a peddler in the hope to find that modest degree of independence still available under present circumstances.

~Albert Einstein

Sometimes falling in love is as much an act of criticism as criticism is an act of love.

~William Logan

A line or circle?

Who'da thunk it?

After reading Schwartz's essay [below] a light shined over the previous numerous years and I realized... I don't want to feel stupid ANYMORE! That said... perhaps a career change is in order.

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The importance of stupidity in scientific research

"I recently saw an old friend for the first time in many years. We had been Ph.D. students at the same time, both studying science, although in different areas. She later dropped out of graduate school, went to Harvard Law School and is now a senior lawyer for a major environmental organization. At some point, the conversation turned to why she had left graduate school. To my utter astonishment, she said it was because it made her feel stupid. After a couple of years of feeling stupid every day, she was ready to do something else.

I had thought of her as one of the brightest people I knew and her subsequent career supports that view. What she said bothered me. I kept thinking about it; sometime the next day, it hit me. Science makes me feel stupid too. It’s just that I’ve gotten used to it. So used to it, in fact, that I actively seek out new opportunities to feel
stupid. I wouldn’t know what to do without that feeling. I even think it’s supposed to be this way. Let me explain.

For almost all of us, one of the reasons that we liked science in high school and college is that we were good at it. That can’t be the only reason – fascination with understanding the physical world and an emotional need to discover new things has to enter into it too. But high-school and college science means taking courses, and
doing well in courses means getting the right answers on tests. If you know those answers, you do well and get to feel smart.

A Ph.D., in which you have to do a research project, is a whole different thing. For me, it was a daunting task. How could I possibly frame the questions that would lead to significant discoveries; design and interpret an experiment so that the conclusions were absolutely convincing; foresee difficulties and see ways around them, or, failing that, solve them when they occurred? My Ph.D. project was somewhat interdisciplinary and, for a while, whenever I ran into a problem, I pestered the faculty in my department who were experts in the various disciplines that I needed. I remember the day when Henry Taube (who won the Nobel Prize two years later) told me
he didn’t know how to solve the problem I was having in his area. I was a third-year graduate student and I figured that Taube knew about 1000 times more than I did (conservative estimate). If he didn’t have the answer, nobody did.

That’s when it hit me: nobody did. That’s why it was a research problem. And being my research problem, it was up to me to solve. Once I faced that fact, I solved the problem in a couple of days. (It wasn’t really very hard; I just had to try a few things.) The crucial lesson was that the scope of things I didn’t know wasn’t merely vast; it was, for all practical purposes, infinite. That realization, instead of
being discouraging, was liberating. If our ignorance is infinite, the only possible course of action is to muddle through as best we can.

I’d like to suggest that our Ph.D. programs often do students a disservice in two ways. First, I don’t think students are made to understand how hard it is to do research. And how very, very hard it is to do important research. It’s a lot harder than taking even very demanding courses. What makes it difficult is that research is
immersion in the unknown. We just don’t know what we’re doing. We can’t be sure whether we’re asking the right question or doing the right experiment until we get the answer or the result. Admittedly, science is made harder by competition for grants and space in top journals. But apart from all of that, doing significant
research is intrinsically hard and changing departmental, institutional or national policies will not succeed in lessening its intrinsic difficulty.

Second, we don’t do a good enough job of teaching our students how to be productively stupid – that is, if we don’t feel stupid it means we’re not really trying. I’m not talking about ‘relative stupidity’, in which the other students in the class actually read the material, think about it and ace the exam, whereas you don’t. I’m also not talking about bright people who might be working in areas that don’t match their talents. Science involves confronting our ‘absolute stupidity’. That kind of stupidity is an existential fact, inherent in our efforts to push our way into the unknown. Preliminary and thesis exams have the right idea when the faculty
committee pushes until the student starts getting the answers wrong or gives up and says, ‘I don’t know’. The point of the exam isn’t to see if the student gets all the answers right. If they do, it’s the faculty who failed the exam. The point is to identify the student’s weaknesses, partly to see where they need to invest some effort
and partly to see whether the student’s knowledge fails at a sufficiently high level that they are ready to take on a research project.

Productive stupidity means being ignorant by choice. Focusing on important questions puts us in the awkward position of being ignorant. One of the beautiful things about science is that it allows us to bumble along, getting it wrong time after time, and feel perfectly fine as long as we learn something each time. No doubt, this can be difficult for students who are accustomed to getting the answers right. No doubt, reasonable levels of confidence and emotional resilience help, but I think scientific education might do more to ease what is a very big transition: from learning what other people once discovered to making your own discoveries. The more comfortable we become with being stupid, the deeper we will wade into the unknown and the more likely we are to make big discoveries."*

*Schwartz, M. A. 2008. The importance of stupidity in scientific research. Journal of Cell Science 121:1771