A dime story

Walking out of the store, I glance down see a dime and continue walking. A dime, 10 cents, which today is worthless on it’s own. I barely remember being able to buy a piece of cheap sugar candy when I was a kid. It’s amazing how much inflation has taken place over the course of my lifetime, a mere 25 years.

To remember when a phone call was a quarter, just what a kid could store in their kangaroo sneakers. Now, gas is increasing daily and is thought not to decrease, ever. In listening to NPR today, there was a discussion of gas prices and going rate for oil. It is expected that by the end of the year supply is going to be able to meet demand, which means that the wealthy will be ones able to enjoy the luxury of long distance transport. What does that have to say about plane flights? The airlines are in great trouble now; higher gasoline princes are going to make things worse.

Where did it all go wrong? That answer is varied, however, our current president is not helping the matter. What were Americans thinking electing a man funded and devoted to the oil industry? It angers me to see people agree with the band-aids set forth, instead of trying to deal with the source. Buying more oil is not the answer, drilling our oil is n to the answer, the only answer is finding another way. That is where research money should be going… not into health cures. What good is it to keep people alive when there is nowhere for them to live or a way for them to live?

However, I am a hypocrite in saying this, even though it is what I believe. Yet I drive my little 4-cylinder engine and burn gasoline, hell I’m typing this right now, using up energy. We, as humans, think our satisfaction is above all else, even other people’s satisfaction. I wonder if I will ever be able to practice what I preach. But still, I am just a hypocrite, pointing out what most educated peoples also see. Perhaps if I keep my little candle burning, it will attract others and soon there will be a fire burning so powerful it will blanket the earth and no ignorant, selfish person will be able to stop it!

Size small

In a search for a desk, I entered one of the many commercial chains taking hold. Before making my way to the furnishings area, I was sidetracked by their clothing sections. Though I’m not in a position to buy any new clothing, I peruse the racks anyway. Finding a pair of cropped yoga pants, size medium, I head to the dressing room to try them on. Surprisingly, they are too big and I have to look for a smaller size. I locate a pair labeled small and gleefully head back to the fitting room. I cannot remember the last time I have worn a pair of pants or shorts sized small.

I try on the pants and end up purchasing them, partially because they are a small and fit and partially b/c I have been considering purchasing a pair. As I left the store, with clothing unneeded and no desk, I begin to think about my motive for purchasing the pants… because they were a small and they fit, when I am normally a medium, on a good day, if not a large.

So, what’s the big deal? Why did this short-lived ego boost [I later noticed the pants were mislabeled and they are in fact a medium] linger in my thoughts? Well, it made me think about societal norms and how I too am influenced by them. Striving to be thin, a thin that would normally be considered unhealthy. I think that I am a string individual, with my own thoughts, ideals, and desires. Yet, some are shared by others, some I often question… as to whom they belong.

Time alone

This time alone has been wonderful, like a much needed vacation. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the company and do miss the time spent with friends, but there is just something that feels so good about it... that just feels right.

Things don’t normally feel that way for me. More often, they are a struggle and had I known how much of a struggle, I would not have pursued them so. Now, I can see things from a different light. It is wonderful to feel and experience what I had witnessed for others.

Sometime, after returning from Tennessee, I feel like something happened and I had come to and understanding or acceptance with what I was about to undergo. I was alright that Matthew was going to be an 8-hour drive away and that I was not going to interact with the people I would look forward to seeing on a daily or weekly basis. Whatever happened, I am grateful, because I do not know how I would have fared through this experience otherwise.

Though I do miss the people I would talk with and spend time with, I am relishing this quiet time. So, no offense to anyone… I still love and care about you all. This time is much needed and is a preparation for what is to come. Soon, I the loneliness will set in, but I hope I will be able to accept and deal with it. It’s nice to be anonymous and to have things be new and unknown. Though it doesn’t last long, I guess I’m just enjoying it.

Relocating....

Sitting here at The Tispy Tea-pot, a local bookstore, tea, and now coffee house [the coffee house next door went out of business, so they are accommodating us pesky java junkies], I stopped in to use the free wireless internet to check email and look into some bills.

Things have been going well with the move and all. Pulling the trailer was not that bad actually. I am enjoying my truck more and more these days. It's becoming quite the everything vehicle. Luckily, we did run into much trouble during the travel up. I was rather frustrated with myself though b/c we had a late start. However, I had only myself to blame.

Thursday was very pleasant and I am so fortunate to have friends willing to donate their time to help me move. We sent out to Satchel's, my favorite pizza place, and had a good dinner. The food there is always great, I'm really going ot miss it... and the company!

Matthew and I arrived very late, Friday night, and ended up crashing on the hard linoleum floor. Not the best sleeping condition. The next day we unloaded the trailer, or I should say Matthew unloaded most of it. His help was wonderful and having him here for the transition has made the world of difference. It just feels so right... and that is a wonderful welcomed feeling, I'm hoping to become more accustomed to.

The weekend was filled with various trips to the dreaded conglomerate named Wal-Mart. Because of my picky, also called frustrating, way of going about things, these various trips were more intensive than what Matthew had in store, but he endured them well overall.

The begining of the week was spent at the DMV and various other offices, trying to receive a drver's license and start extablishing residency. Many hours and an empty pocket book later, all was successful.

The apartment is great! I really like it and it is wonderful to be living alone. I was worried about Karza, since she would not Bailey to play with anymore, but every surrounding neighbor has a dog. There is a guy moving in at the end of the month on the other side of me and we will see how that goes, but so far things have been great! The back yard is really nice, good sized, with plenty of space. There is a bird's nest in the corner of my A/C unit and I even got a bird feeder for the other birds.

As for the town, it's reminding me more and more of Gainesville. There are all your main corporate stores and restaurants, i.e. Best Buy, Ruby Tuesdays, Target, Circuit City, T. J. Max, Bed Bath & Beyond, etc. but it looks like they have a lot of local stuff too. Once I get my hands on a phone book, I'm hoping to utilize the local places more. On the other hand,Greenville is like the polar opposite of Gainesville in that the people are so nice and helpful. It's wonderful to go into a store and ask for something and actually have someone try and help you find it, if they don't already know where it is. The South does have some perks.

Overall, I'm really happy with my decision, just wish I could bring you guys up here with me. You'll have to some up and visit! My door is always open and I'll save a spot for ya on the floor.

Bonnaroo experience

The Bonnaroo festival was a fun experience, though I am not sure if I am going next year. The music was great, but the weather was not. However, from talking with locals, it seems usual for Manchester, TN around that time.

As we were heading up we drove through downtown Atlanta. I had never been so it was eye stimulating experience. The buildings were so beautiful. There were many of the old brick buildings with beautiful architecture. Katye took the picture below...

This was the entrance to the main stage. Each time we entered we were searched. It was interesting to me how one becomes conditioned so easily. You become accustomed to what they are gonna check and they don't have to even say anything. We are all just Pavlovian mice.

The camping area was outside 'Centeroo', which was where the bands performed. Having been checked at the gate, once you move into Centeroo, you would find there are randomly placed things, such as pinwheels, flashing lightning bugs, a group of red flags, the Magic Mushroom Fountain, Happy Men on sticks, and others. Upon seeing this sign, after having just entered the Centeroo grounds, I felt like I was in Dr. Seus land at Islands of Adventure.

This continued on because the stages the artists played at were named What Stage, Which Stage, That Tent, This Tent, and The Other Tent. This Tent is where we saw most of the shows.

Ah, the Magic Mushroom Fountain. I was enchanted with this precariously placed device and was sad not to have partaken in its wonderful flowing waters. Katye and I had planned on getting in it but the weather turned rainy and then a bit chilly, so bathing in the Magic Mushroom Fountain did not occur. I'd like to have one at my home one day though.

So, how did the dirty festival goers remain somewhat clean and not stink out their neighbors? Well, there were water stations placed next to the Porto-potties where one can brush their teeth, bathe, wash dishes, and gather water. The water came form a well on the farm and was really good. It was cold and reminded me of mountain water form the highlands. Unfortunately, they did not remain very clean. Americans are such filthy, lazy animals.

These Happy Men were located on sticks, placed on a row on one side of Centeroo. They were each different and decorated uniquely as well.

For Matthew

Love is....

  the happiness with anticipation
    of our next encounter.
  your smile cupped by a dimple
    in each cheek.
  the embrace of your arms
    as they hold me tight.

Love is...

   the saddness overtaking me
     knowing we will part.
   the whiff of your scent
     as I lie in bed, alone.
   wanting to share every detail of my day,
     because it felt like you were there,
     but somehow missed it.

Love is...

   the pain felt, knowing you are
     miles away.
   feeling helpless being able to comfort you
     with only words.
   a wonderfully painful gift
     I feel towards you.

And my favorite pix from the evening....

Though we didn't get around to playing cards that evening, it was nice to relax at Backstreet's, drink a Black Velvet and ease into the realization I would be unable to do just that in a few weeks.

Oh, the stress of foosball! I was not a very good foosball player but managed to score a goal.

The art of foosball is a serious matter. Note the concentration in Dan's face and the power of the lollipop.

And we can't forget the players......

Matthew and Ginger this past weekend at the coffee shop after a rigerous game of foosball. When did he become an angel? I think there are some things they do not know.

Saying good-bye is not an easy thing, for me. That is prolly why I was not looking forward to this past weekend. The weekend went well and I am very happy with it, but it's still hard knowing I won't be able to see people I care about somewhat frequently.

Part of the reason I find it hard is because I often feel that things could be better. That the relationships could be stringer, at least with family. I feel like I haven't done enough or tried hard enough, when all that I can really do is accept things as they are.

That is where the true problem lies... with accepting things as they are. Why is it so hard? I do not understand why I create high expectations for others to live up to. They could care less and often don't understand why I get upset. One of the hardest lessons for me seems to be to not place my expectations on others and accept them for who they are, point blank.

If only there was a recipe or procedure.

People seem to be drifting away, out of my life. Our connections are lengthening and something is coming between us. This is contrasting to the contacts I have received by a few friends recently; yet, it feels as though they are drifting away.

Is it me that is drifting away?

Perhaps I am isolating myself, subconsciously. That way it will be easier when I move. This would not surprise me. However, part of me feels we are growing apart or there is some disagreement on the way to look at the world. But there is not one way, so that does not seem to fit.

So, I sit here, sipping my coffee, thinking about the egg sandwich I bought that is now going to waste... cold and unappetizing. I was starving, just 20 minutes ago, couldn't wait to eat the egg and cheese croissant. Then, after a squabble, my appetite completely dissolved. The waste of money and effort of getting the sandwich is what is uneasy. That and the lingering of an unresolved squabble.

What a way to start the day.... for some reason, it was one of those mornings were I was already braced for such an event.

Yet I am still surprised...

   Voluntary-

We cannot be deliberate
  when we are distracted
    from life.
We cannot be intentional
  when we are not
    paying attention.
We cannot be purposeful
  when we are not
    being present.

The objective is not dogmatically to live with less, but is a more demanding intention of living with balance, in order to find a life of purpose, fulfillment, and satisfaction.

Count Down....

It's only 3 weeks until I depart. I can't believe it's so soon. Finally, excitement is felt. It will be so nice, though hard at times. A think a change is good. I've been asking for one for a long time now; I hope this one will be enoyable. I'm going to be in St. Augustine the first weekend in June to gather some things and say farwell. If you'd like to get together, email me and we can set a time to meet up.

The week I am leaving, it would be nice to get together in G-ville. I was thinking Wednesday, the 15th, would be good. More details to come later.....

Yipee!!!!!!!!!!

With thoughts of dismay about my new transition and journey, I was offered some literature to dwell upon. I found the small book full of wonderful verse, compelling to search out a copy for my own. Within the pages lies many words to ponder on; however, this particular poem is the one originally suggested. Though the verse is long, the fifth portion contains these propelling words:

From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines,
Going where I list, my own master total and absolute,
Listening to others, considering well what they say,
Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating,
Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me.

Taken from Song of The Open Road by Walt Witman

Getting older is something I try not to think about. It is something I'm not comfortable with. Acceptance of the deterioration and inhibition that accompanies increasing age... watching yourself become limited physically and or mentally, it just doesn't sit well with me. I have never felt comfortable with the concept.

During a counseling session with many years ago, the counselor commented on how I would be very prepared in dealing with old age because of my previous experience of being limited both physically and mentally, but it was quite the opposite. That time in my like was horrible and I would never never wish that one anyone. Dealing with something you have no control over and knowing at one time it was not like that,is a mind f*ck.

Birthdays have always been more of a depressing event than anything else. 2 years ago, I decided to celebrate my birthday for the first time, and had a nice time. Last year, it wasn't the best but a friends parents' made it one the nicest evenings, at least until someone else interrupted.

So this year, I'm going to be far away and prolly alone and I think that will just fine. I think I'll go camping and enjoy from where I have come and focus on where I would like to go.

Unfortunately, time does not slow down, let alone stop. So I suppose it's up to us to make the best of it. As with this transition, it's just a matter of sitting back, relaxing, and enjoying the ride. I just wish the seats were a little more comfy.

According to cyberspace, I am going to live to be 98 and I will die of natural causes...

Your choice of life style has enabled you to live a nice long life.. To eventually die of a stroke, or was it a heart attack.. Either way you out lived just about anyone that gave a shit about you anyway.. Congrats

Click here to find out how you will die

Sometimes, I feel like I just want to be alone. Like I can subsist by myself and I want to prove it. To be contained in my own thoughts with interaction with others going as far as common chit-chat, a mere waste of time, really.

But then, I know myself and the yearning for company that will surface, inevitably. For some, perhaps they have their family and that's all they need. People who love you but don't necessarily like you or share common interested and perspectives.

For the first time in my life, I realized how someone could become completely encapsulated with their significant other and let all their other relationships slip away. It's easy, as most self-centered actions are.

Perhaps it's because I am tired that I feel this way. Wanting to interact with friends but having nothing to say. No nrg to give nor interest in pursuing. Though it's a decision to be regretted, I am still entertaining... the thought of being alone, a feeling so familiar.... more than a lover's touch.

Though it will be a state of mind I will surface from soon. It's an interesting thought.... to play with and mold, like a chunk of clay.

Wow, now I know how old people live. I have spent the whole day at home, doing nothing. Aside from going up to the grocer to get some OJ and frozen fruit bars, which are the best thing since sliced bread, I have stayed home, watched 2 movies [previously viewed], and taken a 3-4 hour knap this afternoon. Surprisingly, I'm ok with it. Normally, I would have worked at least 8 hours and then ran around trying to get everything else done, but today, since I'm not feeling well, I stayed home from work and rested. I thought many times about going in and trying to work some hours but felt it would be best to stay home and rest and attempt work tomorrow.

Escape

How does being someplace else,
make everything ok?

Mind racing
wanting to run

to someplace different,
someplace fun.

A coffee shop,
though abundant here,

doesn’t stop
the urge to run.


How does seeing someone,
satiate a need?

Physical contact,
calming tones,

breathing easier,
not alone.

Welcoming arms,
offer comfort.

Just one night,
a mere few hours.


How close
can someone be?

Time apart,
wanting to be close.

To interact,
have contact,
but not consume.

Resistance broken,
a heart healed.


Is it safe?
No answers here.

Some things are in our control and others are not. Things in our control are opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever are our own actions. Things not in our control are body, property, reputation, command, and, in one word, whatever are not our own actions.

The things in our control are by nature free, unrestrained, unhindered,; but those not in our control are weak, slavish, restrained, belonging to others. Remember, then, that if you suppose that things which are slavish by nature are also free, and that what belongs to others is your own, then you will be hindered. You will lament, you will be disturbed, and you will find fault both with gods and men. But if you suppose that only to be your own which is your own, and what belongs to others such as it really is, then no one will ever compel you or restrain you. Further, you will find fault with no one or accuse no one. You will de nothing against your will. No one will hurt you, you will have no enemies, and you not be harmed.

Aiming therefore at such great things, remember that you must not allow yourself to be carried even with a slight tendency, towards the attainment of lesser things. Instead, you must entirely quit some things for the present postpone the rest. But if you would both have these great things, along with power and riches, then you will not gain even the latter, because you aim at the former too: but you will absolutely fail of the former, by which alone happiness and freedom are achieved.

taken from The Enchiridion By Epictetus