Happiness is the longing for repetition.

~ Milan Kundera

Over the past month I have been doing something I do not normally do... spreading myself thin, and handling it rather well. Normally, I am very hesitant to take on too much for the fear of not being able to follow through. However, I am finding joy in being able to manage the tasks and above all else, it keeps me busy and wanting to accomplish the various tasks. Sure there are hundreds of things I would rather be doing, but when I have a minute to reflect on the current moment, I am pleased with what I am doing. Though this sounds like something not that fantastic, it is for me. My time here in North Carolina has been begrudgingly arduous both personally and otherwise. Though I have often tried to create a schedule for myself, I never hold to them, but lately things have working along those lines and my planner has become a close companion. What is it about the familiar that is so comforting?

Unknown future

I've been thinking of my hometown a lot recently. I often ponder living there again, but wonder if it's just familiarity that I seek. When I visit, it is the wierdest feeling to walk down a street or enter a shop that is so familiar, yet I am a stranger.... a visitor. Even though I do not feel like a different person, than the one that left 8 years ago, the life I live now is much different than the life I had there. It would be interesting to give it a try, but there is so much saddness lingering there.

I wonder if I am seeking something from a memory that may not exist anymore.

The day has come and gone; slowly it seemed to pass, yet within the blink of an eye it's over....

open

Interactions and activities were cared for consciously, retarding time. I felt somewhat like a child, wide open and vulnerable taking great care in the simple actions of the passing moment. It was blissful and carefree, fulfilling.

New Music

I've been listening to the new Bright Eyes album, Casadaga, continuously. The video for Four Winds, one of the songs on the album and the EP put out before the album, is below.

The album as a whole is good, including a variety of sounds yet cohesive enough to flow from song to song. I am fond of the lyrics in the last song on the album, Lime Tree ....

The window closes, shocks roll over in a tidal wave
And all the color drains out of the frame
So pleased with a daydream that now living is no good
I took off my shoes and walked into the woods
I felt lost and found with every step I took

Sun brings smiles

The sun is out and the air is humid.... a bit chillier than I prefer (80 degrees F), but I am going to enjoy it. I feel free today. Why? That I am not sure, but I feel as though a release has occurred and although I have many tasks to accomplish before leaving town for a week, I am surprisingly not stressed.

I just hope the weather holds out for next week and is warm enough to enjoy the ocean water.... field work on the OBX is torturous stuff.....

Roanoke Rapids

In part of completing the coursework requirements for the current degree I am pursuing, The faculty decided I had to sit in on a field methods class. The class was not difficult, although I did not understand everything. The last assignment for the course is a big mapping project that takes place in Hot Springs, NC, but the weekend on which the field excursion occurred, I could not attend. So I arranged to do something closer and accomplishable within a day, at least the field component. However, since I did/do not know how to map geology, I coerced a few fellow grad students to accompany me.

The three of us + Karza headed up to a canal east of a damned river to look at outcrops. For those non-geologic folk reading, an outcrop is an exposure of rock or mineral deposit that can be seen on surface, i.e. that is not covered by soil or water.

Can anyone say outcrop?

All said and done, we had a good time blazing overgrown trails and looking at rocks, although I was somewhat preoccupied looking trying to i.d. the plants.

We always have fun in the field!
From left to right: Kat, Ari, Karza, and me

The day is overcast and water laden cooler air moves freely running a chill up my neck. There is a 30 percent chance of rain and the temperature outside is currently 65 degrees with an expected high of 72, a drastic change from the warm and welcomed 90 degree sunny weather of yesterday. Surprisingly, I was looking forward to today... the cooler temperature and clouds swollen with precipitation are an unalluring, yet motivating reason to stay inside and write, something I have found somewhat difficult the past few days.

Days like these make me want to curl up with a book and snuggle into a soft blanket or work on projects, anxiously awaiting attention, having been cast aside physically, though mentally still being developed and perfected. Memories of the mountains is where my mind goes on days like these, of my last adventure that of a trip to Yosemite. Hiking through changing topography with a slight chill in the passing air, just enough to offset the little perspiration accumulated from not being accustomed to the terrain. The clean, freezing-cold freshwater flowing down the mountain was a refreshing surprise as we made it to the top of a waterfall. We were only able to spend one night, but it was one of the best camping excursions I have been on yet.

So, I return to reality and the surmounting task laid before me. It is time to begin chipping away before the task at hand becomes too large. It's 9 a.m., time to start the work day.

... and so my thoughts wander back to memories....

Sometimes I wonder if the ideals and preferred life I am working towards is simply non-existent or unrealistic. For instance, I have fond memories of my home town, a small Atlantic coast laid back beach town. So fond, I yearn for the community and positive attitude that I associate with it, where things are slow moving, but people take the time to chat, have conversations with strangers, and the weather influences more than the decision to take an umbrella into work.

I cannot help but think that perhaps my fondness has become skewed and no such thing exists. When I am able to make it back to my home town, I can see it... hidden in the small locally owned and run businesses, dwarfed by large corporate chains. Although I could go off on a rant about development of small towns causing the community and culture to go extinct, that is not the purpose of this post.

It is not as though I am suggesting to prohibit growth and change in society, but more so I cam concerned that what I am working towards does not exist. Why worry about it, you may be saying... well, because soon my time here will be done and I am considering where I would like to move onto and in evaluating the positive and negative attributes of the few places I have spent a reasonable amount of time... I return to the fond thoughts of my home town. However, it is no longer what it was and has evolved.

Evolved....

Over the years I too have evolved and life has shaped not only my experiences but my memories. I have outgrown my home town and feel lost, searching for a new place to call home. As I type this a common phrase, reminding me that focusing on the present is often more beneficial than reflecting on the past or worrying about the future...

Wherever you go, there you are.