Distracting thoughts

The more I think about it, the more I simply want to live on a few acres, in my wooden shed and have a garden. Driving out around the cotton fields, there are so many houses that are boarded up, not being used. It makes me sad to see these old wooden farm houses desolate, like an exoskeleton of a deceased creature. Like an abandoned dog, I want to love these houses and give them a family, allowing them to glow.

Ah... but now I am held up in the office, far from a small farm house to call home. Maybe someday, it will all come together.... the small house, orchard, garden, and chickens.

This past weekend was nice, especially after having so much due the past few weeks. I almost didn't know what to do, having just taken 2 tests and finishing a paper, but that was readily solved. It was a fun, playful weekend. Went to Goose Creek State Park, and volunteered for the first time. It was wonderful to be able to do something helpful, though it was merely cleaning up the shoreline and trail maintenance. However, I am not complaining by any means; I really enjoyed it and was even able to take a few shots.

Greenville is surrounded by rural farmlands growing a small variety of crops. When I arrived in North Carolina, during mid-summer, there were corn, soy beans, and tobacco fields all over. Now there are cotton, some oat looking plant (I've yet to figure out what), and another small mystery crop covering the fields. The cotton plant is really interesting. It flowers or fruits, I'm not sure which one, cotton. It's so soft and they waste so much of it. We went by a few fields that had been harvested, and there was a large amount of cotton remaining. It is a shame the farmers leave so much unharvested. But it is more economical to use large machinery than have it hand picked. There is just so much left behind.

The cotton fields are very beautiful and it is a wonder there are not paintings and landscape photos of cotton fields. Perhaps some of our pictures will inspire someone....

hello.... goodbye...

This have been very hectic this past week and I am looking forward to Thursday. This past weekend I was unable to go to Shackelford Island as planned due to pressing coursework. However, at this point I have successfully taken of the two tests and finished a paper. I am pleased overall, at the moment, but there is still much work to be done.

So, I am sitting here at my favorite coffee shop, lured away from my studies to post a quick update and share these pictures. The flowers below were at a house near my apartment, which have since been butchered by the cold weather or the lawn care person. The sunrise photo was taken last week on a morning when I awoke early and while taking Karza for her morning walk, I was greeted with sun's beautiful rays. Every day the sky is gorgeous here, even on the overcast days, I wish I could share them all.

neighbour's flowers


morning sunrise

Today is a sad day. I awoke this morning to NPR as I do most every morning, and instead of hearing about the horribleness of a hurricane's wrath or the war in Iraq, they were informing everyone that Rosa Parks passed away. It was her time; she was 92 years old and though I was not alive when she so stubbornly and stoically created a small ripple that changed the United States forever, I feel some remorse that such a modest soul is no longer with us. I have held her in my thoughts and wish her well on her next journey. May she go on to be apart of even more revolutionary events.

Have computers and other technological gadgets become the pacifiers of adults? I offered this speculation to some undergraduate students, one of which was listening to an iPod at the time and did not appreciate my comment. The feelings I have toward my computer are similar to those of a small child and their blanket, pacifier, or in the case of a young lisa... my pillow.

In taking a short stroll through campus, individuals who are not listening to a music device or talking on a cell phone are few and far between.. they are almost an endangered species. We should save this species! Have fundraisers and concerts to aid in the protection of these individuals.

But seriously, I find it disheartening that people choose to not interact nor be present in their environment. If the environment is not conducive for their needs, due to loud traffic or obnoxious background noise, perhaps there are others that feel the same way and the environment should be modified. Modify the environment? What a dominantly human thing to say! However, the obnoxiousness of the environment normally is created by anthropogenic actions... those are the ones we should alter. I have yet to hear someone complain about the wind rustling the leaves on the trees or the rain musically tapping the ground.

There is so much to do that I am being propelled forward, when sometimes all I really want to do is enjoy moments of the past... time spent... stories shared.

However, the anticipation of moments to come partially motivate the forward movement. The pleasure of taking pride in one's work only occurs after hours of what seems like endless effort.

Independent coffee talk

Sitting here at the little coffee shop downtown, I can't help but wonder if they are going to be closing. Though I cannot bare to ask, for if that is so, I do not want to know the answer. It is the only coffee shop in town that is not a chain or restaurant and it's conveniently located in the downtown area, referred to here as 'uptown'. They are trying to refurbish the area but people don't seem to come down here. It's almost like business suicide.

The owner seems a bit down, but that may be sue to other circumstances. See, I come in often and purchase coffee, but rarely stay. They are familiar with me but no connection exists. Always on the run, with little time to stop and socialize, but I am here now, and it is empty... with good music playing in the background and the owner taking a smoke break out front... I dare to ask him.

Workng away....

Sometimes I wonder what it's all for. Each person has their own objective.... having a family and kids, idly working away the remainder of time here on earth, or trying to make some small contribution to the world. It's so easy to keep one's head down low, working away, meeting the immediate deadlines, but what about the overall picture? I think I see it sometimes... a glimmer here and there, and then I get a bad grade and it makes me so discouraged, thinking it was all in vain. There has to be something more to life than that... or at least that is what I keep telling myself.

Sometimes I just feel like an ant, whose missing out on the surrounding world.

Park Outings

About 30 minutes east of Greenville, there is state park with wonderful trails and cheap primitive campsites. Here are some pictures I took on a recent visit. Unfortunately, these pictures are not all that I brought back with me from the park. I also brought back tons of tiny ticks. I must have hit a tick bomb while hiking and did not know until much later.

Thankfully, the itching has finally subsided.... it only took a week. A few bites, I can handle, but when there are that many..... it's so uncomfortable. After half a week of not sleeping, I was introduced to a good friend Benadryl. We became close friends and soon rest arrived.

The park was beautiful though. The water was sparkling like gemstones. I filled out paperwork to start volunteering and will hopefully be doing so in the next few weeks. I'll let you know how the camping goes.

Staring thoughts

Last night, laying on the bed, I stared at the ceiling fan. The dust collected on the edges of the blades did not move. It was so still the shadow cast on the ceiling was perfect, blending into the popcorn pattern behind it. My eyes slowly moved across the room and I saw that everything was still. Nothing was moving... Then, I heard the rain, small water droplets pounding against the hard brick and cement outside the screen door. The sound of the rain, the sound of movement, contradicted the stillness of the room I was surrounded by. The only thing in the room moving was me, I realized. The rising and falling of my chest... breathing. I noticed my breathe began to shallow and it was as if I was trying to be still too. But then, unconsciously my rib cage expanded I inhaled a large breathe, a survival instinct. As my focus returned to water drops listening to the random symphonious sound, I realized... I am alive, I am living. Not by conscious action, but by instinct. Then my breathe began to shallow....

present state...hoping to pass

yet another sleepless night
not from worries
but from bites

a nature outing
now an itching fest
with upset sores spewing puss

a graphic image
yes i know
but to feel it
even more so

medicate,
i did last night
and sleep fell heavily
like a fogged high

hard to wake
still in a fog
because of benadryl
which worked so well

sleeping hard
not itching had
awakened slumbers
of the night past.

While biking

Tired and physically drained from not getting enough sleep the night before, I trudged up the 5th Street hill on the north side of campus. Warm, smooth, creamy latte in possession, and almost out of breathe, I looked to the right at the Liberal Arts building as if I was seeing it for the first time. Then, my thoughts quickly changed to the moment I had seen taken in the interesting view for the first time. It seems like ages ago but was not. When I had come up to interview for the grad position, I later accepted, it was one of the few buildings I remembered in the blur of the visit. The air was crisp and cold, and we took a few pictures before heading back south.

This led me to think of how I have been here 4 months now, and it still feels new and foreign. This is not a bad feeling, it's just that it makes me wonder if I will ever feel apart of this place. My home is here, in my humble abode and that feels familiar and I thought I would finally have a 'home', a place I have not felt in a long time. Yet, it makes me wonder..... if that will ever happen.

Sometimes I think I may be afraid. It seems that which we yearn for, we are also scared of. However, I think this is different, but at the same time, I do not feel I will ever have that same feeling. Maybe 'home' is simply a concept that does not exist as I have imagined?